Somehow miss getting bullied

waferthinboy

EDIT: So far, nobody has understood what I'm on about, and some people have been rude (while claming not to be), so I think it's better if I share this elsewhere, with people who actually have been through a similar experience to me. I suppose the main problem is that people don't really read "OPs" properly before replying. But as I'm unable to delete a thread on this website, for some reason, I have no choice but to leave up my post for the time being.

Hi,
I realise this will seem unusual to most. I got bullied in school a lot, physically and verbally, from first year of school till I was 18, just for being thin, short and very young looking. It was all about power, control and domination. When I started working, I thought I would put it all behind me, but I have been targeted in work by one colleague, then another and another (women & men), up until about six months ago. At present, I find myself the target of random one-off incidents, sometimes involving physical assault. Every time, I find out the perpetrator has a history of bothering people and is to be avoided. Now, I have learned how 'talk things out' with the perpetrators - but it's a common theme that they simply deny that anything happened. Although one person did listen to me and stop picking on me. Also some of the bullies from school have been in touch with me, and they are also good at rewriting history! One of them friended me online a year ago just to harass me - I blocked him. I've also been targeted by younger family members in the past couple of years. One admitted to me that he'd been having a hard time and "needed to bully someone", and we're friends again now, although we don't really talk as much. I still find all this genuinely upsetting and difficult when it happens... So, apart from getting tall, I essentially haven't changed physically since school and still have all the same fears of any *real* physical or verbal confrontation. But I'm so used to being under the control of bullies that I just want to experience it again - only in a safe way and without fear of injury or (further) long term psychological damage. Perhaps in a role play situation. I know I'm not alone, because I've read up on bullying a lot, and it's not an uncommon reaction to miss being bullied - not exactly the bullying itself - but the attention and the apparent vital interest the bullies take in you, albeit negative. Not exactly straightforward is it, but just hope someone understands. Thanks.

Airyfairy12

As a victim of many years of bullying myself I honestly can't say ive ever wanted to be bullied since or missed the attention in any regard but I suppose we all process things differently.

Are you looking for the opportunity to stand up for yourself or say all the things you should have said to your bully's? Why dont you try counselling? sometimes a counsellor will encourage you to role play scenarios from your past if youre comfortable in doing so. Another option could be to partake in adult drama classes where you would get to role play scenarios and strong characters while also receiving attention.

Have you ever questioned why so many people attack you?

waferthinboy

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

As a victim of many years of bullying myself I honestly can't say ive ever wanted to be bullied since or missed the attention in any regard but I suppose we all process things differently.

Are you looking for the opportunity to stand up for yourself or say all the things you should have said to your bully's? Why dont you try counselling? sometimes a counsellor will encourage you to role play scenarios from your past if youre comfortable in doing so. Another option could be to partake in adult drama classes where you would get to role play scenarios and strong characters while also receiving attention.

Have you ever questioned why so many people attack you?

Thanks for replying.

Indeed we all process things differently and that was the point of my post.

And no, I'm actually happy to continue in the 'victim' role, although in a safe situation without danger of injury.

Your last question seems strange coming from someone who says they were a victim of 'many years' of bullying. Surely then, you'd know what it's like to be attacked by many different people? Or perhaps we've experienced different types of bullying.

stop animal cruelty

Im not attacking you, but do you like being a victim op? Are you in a self pity mode?
Some people like playing victim,just something that popped into my head when I saw this.

waferthinboy

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Im not attacking you, but do you like being a victim op? Are you in a self pity mode?
Some people like playing victim,just something that pipped into my head when I saw this.

Nice.

Interesting turn of phrase, when you 'saw' this, as opposed to 'read it properly'

stop animal cruelty

As I said I wasnt attacking or having a go. I did read your post properly, when you post here your gonna get opinions, and thats mine.

waferthinboy

Starting your post with 'I'm not attacking you' doesn't give you a free pass to then attack. If you did read my original post properly, then you'd know that I never have invited bullying in my life, I simply didn't have the ability to deal with it, and that it genuinely distresses me every time it happens to me. I was saying that I've become so used to it happening now, that it's part of who I am, and I'd like to role play it in a safe environment. Which is totally different to your summation that I have 'played the victim' at any point, or am 'in self-pity mode'.

waferthinboy

Thanks though I guess for deleting your 'hope you get over it' comment.

waferthinboy

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

As I said I wasnt attacking or having a go. I did read your post properly, when you post here your gonna get opinions, and thats mine.

Considered opinions being the only ones worth noting, however.

Jaapstammer

Your lacking something.
Probably friends I dont know, I do not know you.

But iv never heard of anyone in their right mind wanting to be bullied.

Bullying causes psychological harm. Psychological harm leads to mental illness/suicide etc
You would know this if you were bullied previously.
You need an intervention lad and a trip to your GP.
Im not trying to patronize you or put you down.
But the way your thinking is well away from normal.

waferthinboy

Jaapstammer wrote: »

Your lacking something.
Probably friends I dont know, I do not know you.

But iv never heard of anyone in their right mind wanting to be bullied.

Bullying causes psychological harm. Psychological harm leads to mental illness/suicide etc
You would know this if you were bullied previously.
You need an intervention lad and a trip to your GP.
Im not trying to patronize you or put you down.
But the way your thinking is well away from normal.

Again, you seem to have failed to read the original post in any considered way.

Jurgen Klopp

Sounds like you want to be dominated as such? Would being a submissive in S & M scratch that itch?

waferthinboy

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Sounds like you want to be dominated as such? Would being a submissive in S & M scratch that itch?

Perhaps something like that, although I can't handle any kind of pain. Thanks though - I can tell you did actually read my OP and think about it.

Jurgen Klopp

Doesn't necessarily need to involve whips and all that.

I'm sure if you found a paid dominatrix or whatever you call em they'd be happy just verbally abuse you if that's your wish, maybe even a normal prostitute might be willing I'm sure it wouldn't be exactly a new request

waferthinboy

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Doesn't necessarily need to involve whips and all that.

I'm sure if you found a paid dominatrix or whatever you call em they'd be happy just verbally abuse you if that's your wish, maybe even a normal prostitute might be willing I'm sure it wouldn't be exactly a new request

A dominatrix maybe, then. Thanks!

GritBiscuit

Hey OP,

Could you be addicted to the levels of adrenaline involved? And life feels a bit dull without it? I remember reading a study a long time ago about people who live through traumatic situations and the difficulty some have retraining their bodies to lower levels of stress hormones and chemicals which can produce odd results - like wanting to get some of that high back the only way they know how. Might be worth exploring other options that give the adrenaline kicks?

Could it be that you would want to be dominated anyway and the bullying is blurring the lines about what you are willing to explore and why? I can imagine exploring that while having the safety of control and safe-words would be even more appealing, given the domination was never on your terms before.

Either way, hope you get where you want to go.

waferthinboy

GritBiscuit wrote: »

Hey OP,

Could you be addicted to the levels of adrenaline involved? And life feels a bit dull without it? I remember reading a study a long time ago about people who live through traumatic situations and the difficulty some have retraining their bodies to lower levels of stress hormones and chemicals which can produce odd results - like wanting to get some of that high back the only way they know how. Might be worth exploring other options that give the adrenaline kicks?

Could it be that you would want to be dominated anyway and the bullying is blurring the lines about what you are willing to explore and why? I can imagine exploring that while having the safety of control and safe-words would be even more appealing, given the domination was never on your terms before.

Either way, hope you get where you want to go.

Thank you, I think you're exactly right, I'm used to that high level stress in my interactions with people. I was also bullied at home, until I moved out recently... It makes it hard to enjoy normal, calm friendships or relationships. Because I'm used to being abused in some way. So yes, that's very helpful.

And yes domination, but on my terms, sounds like it. Crucially, I think you've grasped here that I don't LIKE being bullied by any actual bullies who hurt me or make me afraid, and never have. Thanks again.

silverharp

I'd suggest getting some counselling, what you want isnt psychologically healthy.

Rekop dog

You seem to be arrogantly dismissive of people finding it difficult to understand your frankly warped line of thinking. Counselling or further counseling if you've already gone down that route is seriously advised. I see you've also commented on a nine month old thread on issue of bullying, so clear the whole thing is at an obsessive level in your head which is anything but healthy.

Redser87

Interesting conversation on Seán O'Rourke at the moment about personality types for bullies and victims. Could be worth podcasting later to give you insights into what happened to you and why you may now be feeling this way.
Whatever you decide to do, please be safe.

LegacyUser

OP,

by the sounds of it (and yes, i read the full OP and understood it), you are craving therapy for your past bullying.

this is a staple of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) by which the treating psychologist or psychiatrist will role play and use certain types of "exposure" exersizes with you to achieve exactly what it is you are craving.

going to a "dominatrix" is NOT the answer. you can not fix years of psychological damage by visiting, essentially a prostitute. do not do this.

go to a psychiatrist and do some CBT with exposure excersizes.

it seems you only came here to draw attention to your thoughts rather than seek or take any advice offered which isnt telling you to go to a dominatrix? you seem to know the answer already by what you are agreeing with here.

coolcat63

Join a debating society.

Katgurl

Hi,

I don't have firsthand experience of being bullies but i can totally see why you would crave the familiar. It is how you identify yourself whether you want to or not.

I am very sorry you have had so many of these experiences.

I think the roots of this run deep and to deal with it you should look into finding a good psychoanalyst or psychotherapist.

The best of luck.

Queen-Mise

I get the point you are trying to make OP... It is the idea of bad attention is better than no attention. Being bullied made you feel as if you were wanted even if it wasn't in a positive way.

This is a counselling issue. You are going to have to do some work on your self esteem, self confidence, self confidence.

And get out in the world doing positive things.

SimpleDimples

I agree with everyone else who suggested that you attend counselling to work on this.

Perhaps due to the fact that bullying has been part of your life for so long that you don't know who you are or what role you play without it, that it's causing you this anguish. Perhaps, its similar to a recovering alcoholic who doesn't know how to function as a sober person, an athlete post retirement, a workaholic when they retire, a stay at home parent when the children leave home, a person who leaves an abusive controlling relationship etc.

Some times things that became such an integral part of our life are difficult to manage without -even if they weren't good for us. Even when the current situation offers a much healthier position with more opportunity, it can be difficult.

Counselling could help you work through the feelings you are having as they aren't good for you.

Wurly

Hi.

I do understand where you are coming from. I don't see how calling you warped or insinuating that you're some sort of oddball is going to help you. But that appears to be how some like to give 'advice' around here.

I'm guessing that you've always felt relatively invisible? So when the bullying happened, it basically confirmed for you that you exist. If this is the case, then what you need help with is receiving validation from outside of the self, rather than inside the self. If you cannot validate from the inside out, then your sense of self has not been properly formed and you suffer from poor self esteem. This cocktail makes you a perfect match for bullies and you will probably continue to attract them until you break this cycle.

There is a reason behind every seemingly strange behaviour and most are to do with survival or the need to be seen and understood. Your unconscious mind is where all of this is stored and because you are programmed for survival, you will unconsciously act out of your unresolved trauma repeatedly, trying to get the original need met.... That unmet need could have began at 6 months old - who knows? But we don't know we are being drive n by our unconscious which is why, when life turns to ****, we don't understand why as it's not in line with our conscious intent.

I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that this is a lot more than just preferences or getting some perverse kick out of being bullied. Clearly, all you know is pain and pain is an emotion. Each emotion releases a chemical in our bodies and these can become addictive. So you can unconsciously recreate or contribute to painful situations happening to you in life so as to trigger the chemical associated with pain to get a fix. Crazy, but true.

Would you consider talking to someone so that you can get to the roots of all of this? You deserve to feel love and to be seen. I wanted to reply most of all to validate your experience for you and to hold space for how you feel.

Please consider being kind to yourself and asking for help to figure this out. It takes a village after all. Good luck.;)

Nichololas

I think the dominatrix suggestion was a good one .. Maybe your issue has its roots in some kink and that would help. There's really no harm in engaging in it, or in trying it and deciding you don't like it.

You should also go to talk to a counselor about these feelings (and others), as it'll help you get some perspective on it.

You should also go to the gym because even the shortest, most mild-mannered men tend not to attract bullying or verbal altercations when they're ripped.

*edit: FYI and to others; there's nothing really wrong with being a warped little oddball - some can't really help it due to past experiences, especially when young. Just as long as you deal with it in a manner that's safe to yourself and others..