Struggling after my Dad died at the start of August

doireann08

Hi Everyone

Just looking for advice. My Dad passed away nearly 2 weeks ago. He had terminal cancer and I helped care for him along with my mother.

I was there when he took his final breaths along with my mother. I got to make some great memories with him over the last few months.

Now that he is gone, I feel lost and very lonely. I am back in Dublin, came back the day after the funeral and while some of my friends have contacted me to meet, I have cancelled every single time

I don't know how to cope. I can't lean on my siblings, haven't heard from one sister since the funeral ( thats another long story)


Just looking for advice on how to cope. Since I came back to Dublin last week, I have slept, stayed in bed, only going to the shop to get food.

To top it all off, I have to start looking for a job soon ( I had taken a year out, but cancelled some trips once I heard how sick my Dad was) I don't feel ready to even go for interviews yet

I really miss my Dad as I would always turn to him for advice. Now that my caregiving duties are finished, I feel kind of discarded by the family. No-one bothers to check how I am doing apart from my mam. I won't get into how I feel about some of my siblings as thats a whole other story. Suffice to say I need to keep my distance for a while as they are not good for me right now

Queen-Mise

Oh Doireann...

There is no easy way through grief only by putting one foot in front of another and continuing.

My father passed last October, diagnosed with cancer on a Friday and died the following Wednesday night. It was shockingly quick. My mother processes these things by talking through what happened over and over again. It was exhausting but I did it for her.

Think of the positive things, the things about him that would make you smile. Be grateful that you were there for his sickness and dying.

The thing that helped me is that I would imagine my father's voice giving out if I started moping too much. 'Sure didn't I have a long life, and we all have to die sometime'.

There is a lot of messy paperwork that your mother will need help doing. Keep talking to her and listening to her.

Get on with life as best you can. If you don't want to go to a pub drinking, go for a coffee daytime with friends.

You are not being disloyal, or heartless by getting on with life. Just has to be done.

Keep talking to him. You know what he would say to you. Remember him and smile. Be grateful you had him for as long as you did.

9or10

Hi Doireann. No great advice just wanted to reach out.

Losing parents is tough I'm afraid.

I'll just repeat a bit of my Dad's advice to my Mum when they talked about their funerals.

- If you go first it will be the worst day of my life. If I go first just get through it anyway you can.

E-Hugs Doireann

cactusgal

So sorry to hear about your dad, OP. I think I remember your posts about him before and your decision about whether or not to go ahead with travel plans you'd made. I'm so sorry to hear that he's passed away, but am glad you got to spend time with him before he went. I'm sure you brought him a great deal of comfort and peace during his final days.

Would it be possible for you to take a trip somewhere? I'm a great believer in a change of environment for a week or two - it can be massively helpful for your emotional health. Would you consider doing the Camino for a week or two, or a yoga retreat in a beautiful natural place? (Those would be my choices if I wanted to get away for a bit, but we're all different!)

Wishing you all the best - you are a wonderful daughter, and your dad was lucky to have you by his side.

Ursus Horribilis

I remember your posts too. I'm sorry for your loss and can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It's going to take you a while to come to terms with what has happened so don't put pressure on yourself to get over your sad loss. Having said that, I don't think hiding away and not going out with your friends is going to help. If you keep saying no, the invitations will stop and you could find yourself even more lonely. It's better to have a bit of both. Some grieving and processing of your loss and getting back to normal life.

doireann08

Thanks I am meeting a friend in an hour or so. Just have to push myself to go.

I worried that as Im in a bad place, I'll be a bit of a downer.

I rang Mam about an hour ago ( the family home is 2 hours from Dublin). My brother and his son are staying with her for another week.

When I rang Mam, she was very short with me. I know she is grieving too, but I feel angry that I am not allowed to take some me time. I was at home for 5 months helping out. None of the family ask how I am. I haven't heard from my sister since the funeral. I rang her after my phone call with Mam as I was so upset.

I feel so alone and I can't rely on family for support either. Feel so heartbroken. I don't really want to get into all of this when I meet my friend later.

Stopped Clock

Hi doireann08. My mother died last year so I'm speaking from personal experience here. The first thing I'll say to you is that everybody's grief is different and everyone will handle things in their own way. My father took my mother's death very hard (as you'd expect) and he was very tetchy/low for 3-4 months. I'm only now coming to realise what mum's passing did to me because it wasn't as obvious.

How you deal with your dad's death is going to be different to that of your mother or your siblings. Are you being too hard on your family I wonder? The effect of a parent's death is profound and people react in different ways. It can make people behave in irrational, surprising ways while they struggle to adjust to life without their loved one. If you can avoid it at all, please don't fall out with your family. It's still very early days and everyone is going to be a bit messed up in the head for a while.

If you can't talk to anybody in your family, would you consider giving The Samaritans a call? You sound like you badly need to unload to somebody. They're at the end of a phone and are trained to listen.

Rubberlegs

So sorry to hear about your Dad. Is there a cancer support centre anywhere near you where you could avail of some counselling when you feel ready? Having lost my Dad within a few months from the diagnosis of a rare cancer in 2010, I know how tough it is. Even if you are close to family, at the end of the day your grief is your own, and it helped me so much to talk to someone uninvolved. Chin up, it may not seem like it now but there are better days ahead.

waferthinboy

Your family should be worried about you, asking how you are and not being short with you!

Ghekko

Sincere sympathy on the death of your dad doireann. Death of a parent is just awful. It's tough that your sibling relationships aren't close now but you need to mind yourself. Your mum is being short with you as she has your brother there and for the meantime he's probably no. 1 favoured child. Perhaps she was short with the others while you were staying. And when he's gone home next week she'll possibly be short with you all. She's most likely clinging onto the one closest physically now and her focus is on him and his child. You are 2 hours away and need that space with all you have been through but she may not see it that way yet. I agree that you should get away somewhere for a few days or couple of weeks. Go home before hand to see your mum. No doubt she has friends around her who she can lean on going forward and she will have to get used to being on her own as everyone's life continues. Nobody can begrudge you space to yourself now. Let the others step up a bit to help your mum if they didn't help much with your dad. You cannot be expected to do it all.

doireann08

Ghekko wrote: »

Sincere sympathy on the death of your dad doireann. Death of a parent is just awful. It's tough that your sibling relationships aren't close now but you need to mind yourself. Your mum is being short with you as she has your brother there and for the meantime he's probably no. 1 favoured child. Perhaps she was short with the others while you were staying. And when he's gone home next week she'll possibly be short with you all. She's most likely clinging onto the one closest physically now and her focus is on him and his child. You are 2 hours away and need that space with all you have been through but she may not see it that way yet. I agree that you should get away somewhere for a few days or couple of weeks. Go home before hand to see your mum. No doubt she has friends around her who she can lean on going forward and she will have to get used to being on her own as everyone's life continues. Nobody can begrudge you space to yourself now. Let the others step up a bit to help your mum if they didn't help much with your dad. You cannot be expected to do it all.

Thanks , met a friend tonight , first time I have been out since funeral. Have realised that my siblings will get on with their own lives and I need to focus on my emotional needs. Think I will join a bereavement counselling group. As Im not working and have to also find a job. Can anyone recommend any free or low cost bereavement counselling options. I could ring the hospice where my Dad passed, as they do have bereavement counselling available, however its 2 hours from Dublin. If anyone has any suggestions for options in Dublin, that would be great. I really need someone to talk to and would rather not burden friends with this if possible

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps if you gave any of the Dublin based hospices a call, they could help you?

Ghekko

I'd say any of the hospice of cancer care centres would help.

witchgirl26

Doireann - first off I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 9 1/2 years ago so I can relate.

In terms of your mam being short - while you might want to lean on her for support, she may not be ready to offer it. I didn't lean on my mam for about 3 years after my dad's death because it was her that needed more support than I did. I don't mean to be harsh with that or to give out but to let you know that sometimes the mutual leaning on each other doesn't work. She may have wanted to keep everyone around her longer after the funeral and that was why she was short with you.

If you ring the hospice your dad was under the care of, they might be able to "transfer" your care to a different hospice in Dublin that's closer to you. These are always free. And you can go whenever. I went 3 years after my dad's death as I couldn't face it before then.

You're right that you need to focus on your own grief and emotions. Don't isolate yourself from your family but also don't expect them to react like you. My brothers went around business as usual straight after my dad's death and I couldn't understand that but it was their way of coping with it all. Mine was to throw myself into exams I was doing.

Whatever else you do - do not be too harsh on yourself at all right now. Take time. No matter how long you prepare for when it happens, you're never really prepared. Lean on friends who want to be there for you. If you don't want to go out, maybe have them over to yours. Don't be afraid to ask them to leave though if you need some space. If they're good friends, they'll understand and respect it.

doireann08

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Doireann - first off I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 9 1/2 years ago so I can relate.

In terms of your mam being short - while you might want to lean on her for support, she may not be ready to offer it. I didn't lean on my mam for about 3 years after my dad's death because it was her that needed more support than I did. I don't mean to be harsh with that or to give out but to let you know that sometimes the mutual leaning on each other doesn't work. She may have wanted to keep everyone around her longer after the funeral and that was why she was short with you.

If you ring the hospice your dad was under the care of, they might be able to "transfer" your care to a different hospice in Dublin that's closer to you. These are always free. And you can go whenever. I went 3 years after my dad's death as I couldn't face it before then.

You're right that you need to focus on your own grief and emotions. Don't isolate yourself from your family but also don't expect them to react like you. My brothers went around business as usual straight after my dad's death and I couldn't understand that but it was their way of coping with it all. Mine was to throw myself into exams I was doing.

Whatever else you do - do not be too harsh on yourself at all right now. Take time. No matter how long you prepare for when it happens, you're never really prepared. Lean on friends who want to be there for you. If you don't want to go out, maybe have them over to yours. Don't be afraid to ask them to leave though if you need some space. If they're good friends, they'll understand and respect it.

Thanks - my friends have been a great support. I have an appointment with a bereavement counsellor in 2 weeks time. As regards my family, I haven't heard anything from them at all since Sunday. I now can't sleep at night, and am getting really anxious, especially at night. I had to ring the Samaritians last night as I got a panic attack at 2am and I had no one to turn to . I don't want to come across as self pitying. Im doing the best I can in terms of availing of support. But the lack of contact from my siblings is really heartbreaking for me. I feel like now that I have served my purpose ( helping look after my Dad) they don't really care. I'm just heartbroken. They have their partners and kids etc. It has just really hit me that I am really alone without my Dad

Ursus Horribilis

If you're having panic attacks, maybe it might be worth chatting to your GP? What you've described so far seems worse than normal grief (if there is such a thing as normal grief).

The White Wolf

waferthinboy wrote: »

Your family should be worried about you, asking how you are and not being short with you!

Families can be weird about bereavement. They can be close and still not want to show themselves at their weakest among each other, preferring to lean on their other halfs. Then there are families are brilliant for each other in a time like this.

Doireann there's no easy way to tell you how to cope. When it happened to me I was on my own and a mess. I didn't have the backbone of a partner to lean on so I had to learn how to heal myself. All I can say is that it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your father. Try and hold onto that and while it will give you pain, it will also give you strength. Just know that your father wouldn't want you to be withdrawing from life and he'd be willing you to go on for him and yourself more importantly.

Start by not cancelling with your friends. One of them might be exactly what you need. Good luck.

JillyQ

Hi op

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just over a year ago. You need to be kind to yourself. Reach out to your friends, you'll be surprised how kind and understanding people are.. I did go for some bereavement counselling. I found it great. I can relate to the issues with your siblings but you have to put yourself first at moment and look after number one. Let your grieve take you the it needs to, very slowly you will come to terms with your loss.

doireann08

JillyQ wrote: »

Hi op

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just over a year ago. You need to be kind to yourself. Reach out to your friends, you'll be surprised how kind and understanding people are.. I did go for some bereavement counselling. I found it great. I can relate to the issues with your siblings but you have to put yourself first at moment and look after number one. Let your grieve take you the it needs to, very slowly you will come to terms with your loss.

Thanks - these posts give me hope. Jilly do you mind me asking where you went for bereavement counselling. I contacted Bereavement Services, but they and all the other voluntary organisations said that normally people go for bereavement counselling a few months after a bereavement.

When they heard about my anxiety attacks etc, they were all suggesting for me to see a pyscotherapist. I am meeting a friend tomorrow for the day. Hopefully it gets easier. Its hard when you can't lean on family. I just feel ignored by them now, but they completely relied on me to look after Dad

Ursus Horribilis

If they're talking about psychotherapists, then maybe you should listen to them. Contact your GP and have a chat with him/her.
As I said earlier, my feeling here is that there is a lot more than just raw grief going on here.

doireann08

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If they're talking about psychotherapists, then maybe you should listen to them. Contact your GP and have a chat with him/her.
As I said earlier, my feeling here is that there is a lot more than just raw grief going on here.

Thanks - I had been seeing a counsellor on and off since 2011. She was a fantastic help. I have an appointment booked with her in 2 weeks timw. She is on hols at the moment

Ursus Horribilis

Is there no possibility of talking to someone else in the meantime?

JillyQ

I went to a local councillor in my home town. He helped me deal with my dad's death, and things that happened leading up to it and in the weeks and months afterwards.