Unsure??

kat20

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a bit of advice please as I have tried to figure this out myself and am a bit reluctant to be asking friends as I would like some impartial advice from people who don't know me.

I have been dating this guy the last 3 months and it was going really well the first while. He is great at messaging we talk every day and get along well and I do have feelings for him. He does show in some of his actions that he cares by asking me about things that I would have mentioned to him in passing and being supportive when I got caught in the middle of a silly girls argument.
About a month ago when we were on our second night away together I talked to him trying to get a sense of where we were going. He immediately said do we have to put a label on it can we not just continue as we are. I said that was fine and haven't brought it up since. I understand he has been out of a 5 year relationship since September and needs a bit of time.
Now we are a month later and I feel like we haven't progressed at all. I'm only back on Thursday from a week away with the girls and I thought it might make him think a bit but when I tried to meet him today he said he was tired and even for tomorrow he is reluctant to make a definitive plan and says wait and see.
It feels like he is making less effort.
Also ever since the first date it has always been me suggesting a day and decide what we end up doing on the date. He will always meet and do what I suggest but it would be nice if for once he would take the initiative to organise. I have mentioned this to him and he just dismisses it.
The other thing is he doesn't flirt with me. I sent him pictures of me in my bikini when I was away trying to tease him and it didn't work and had mentioned times when I was trying to flirt with him and again he just dismisses.
I just wonder does he actually want to be with me or is he just with me out of convenience and just doesn't have the courage to end things?
What should I do?

woodchuck

kat20 wrote: »

About a month ago when we were on our second night away together I talked to him trying to get a sense of where we were going. He immediately said do we have to put a label on it can we not just continue as we are. I said that was fine and haven't brought it up since.

It sounds like you're not fine with it though? Firstly you have to be honest with yourself. Figure out if you want this to be an exclusive relationship or if you're willing to keep things casual for now. If it's the former, you're going to have to talk to him again. If you both want different things... then you know what you have to do

kat20

woodchuck wrote: »

It sounds like you're not fine with it though?

I actually was fine with it at the time but now that it's been over a month later and I have been away I thought it might have helped put things into perspective for him and helped him figure it out.
I do understand he wants to take things slow after the long relationship but he's 35 I'm 27 I don't think I'm asking much by trying to get a feel of where we are after 3 months of dating.

woodchuck

It's very reasonable to want to have an idea of where you're headed after a few months. Even if he doesn't want to put a label on it, you should have some idea what he's looking for. I.e. a serious relationship or just something casual.

You can't just sit around hoping he gets some perspective though. Just because you were away, it doesn't mean he was sitting around trying to figure things out. He was probably just carrying on with his life as normal.

I think you need to have a conversation with him. But before you do though, you need to be very clear in your own mind what it is that you want and make sure to communicate that to him. If he still doesn't want to make any sort of commitment, then you have the choice to walk away.

To be honest though, if there are already problems 3 months in (e.g. him not organising dates) then it doesn't sound great

Ursus Horribilis

Going by what you've told us here, it doesn't look like he's particularly pushed. At this stage he's nearly a year out of this long-term relationship so he has had plenty of time to figure out where he's going. Sometimes in relationships "taking it slow" translates as you'll do as a diversion for now. There are definite mixed signals coming from this. On the one hand you're taking it slowly, yet on the other you've mentioned nights away together. Which is it? I think him not being that bothered about seeing you again says it all. If he was interested, he'd make the effort.

gmisk

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

35 v 27 is quite a big age gap, especially when it's the woman who's older. And even more so if you're hoping to have children and have the dreaded biological clock ticking away in the background. Going by what you've told us here, it doesn't look like he's particularly pushed. At this stage he's nearly a year out of this long-term relationship so he has had plenty of time to figure out where he's going. Sometimes in relationships "taking it slow" translates as you'll do as a diversion for now. There are definite mixed signals coming from this. On the one hand you're taking it slowly, yet on the other you've mentioned nights away together. Which is it? I think him not being that bothered about seeing you again says it all. If he was interested, he'd make the effort.

I think you have read that wrong OP is 27 the guy is 35.
After 3 months tbh I would expect to know where I stand, at least exclusive

Ursus Horribilis

So I did... I'll correct the error Tis still a big age gap though.

kylith

I hope I'm wrong, but the age gap, the 'keep it slow', the fact he leaves all the arranging to you, and the refusing to give you any idea of where this is going says to me that he sees you as a fling with a younger woman and he has no intention of this being a long-term thing.

kat20

Update: thanks everyone for your advice.
I had a talk with him and explained exactly how I was feeling he got very defensive and wasn't willing to define what we were or even say he would make more of an effort so I told him I deserved better and ended things.
Your honest advice helped me realise something I already knew so thank you.

LegacyUser

OP I read your post, and though "OMG-she wrote what happened me!" (except for the bikini pics). Even the "lets not label it".

Exact same happened to me, exact same, including the week away, and thinking that might ignite something.

Of course I stuck around hoping it would change, and of course it didnt. He didnt want to be the bad guy, so suggested being friends, which couldnt happen.

This guy will probably be back for an ego boost in a bit. Happened when the next girl he wanted to see actually didnt want to see him anymore.

I strung along a little longer than you. So am happy you made a decision.