Moving back to Ireland, panicking

timeforrejuv20

Just wondering if anyone can offer some advice on this situation.. I'm panicking a bit.
So I live in England at the moment and my plan is to go home to Dublin or another city in the next two weeks. I am in my thirties. I've been here 5 years. I had a stable public service job which brought me over initially and left that last month. I had a relationship which ended 3 months ago. I left Ireland because there were no opportunities and life was generally crap. My friends had work and I was becoming increasingly distant as couldn't afford to go out with them. I admit I was depressed. I had broken up with a long-term girlfriend and obsessed about it for years afterwards.
I struggled from day one to blend with the English, but over time I began to accept it for what it was, a person from a foreign country living amongst locals. It doesn't bother me so much now. I made friends here who, although I don't have the same craic and connection with as those from home, were in some ways better friends than anyone from home. The main difference seems to be actually doing things that friends do, rather than just drinking.
There is no doubt about it there are many more opportunities here than at home. Things were bleak when I left, but still, I believe I can start a business there now and earn a living. I'd like to get back on the dating scene there and have a family some day. I might struggle to get opportunities to meet women though as all my friends have now been married and have children etc.
The thing is, I can't help but feel I'd be throwing things away leaving. I still have strong feelings for my ex here who to me is the prettiest girl in the world, but she has a lot of stuff going on in her life and we argued a lot, eventually going our separate ways. I have a fear of meeting someone here and facing their family as the 'Irish' person. My experience is that we have a poor reputation here in England. Even my girlfriend made comments sometimes which she didn't know were offensive, it's just the way English people think of Irish people. I have done my best over the 5 years to be an ambassador for my country, probably to my detriment, as I now understand my patriotism is a curse because I am extremely fearful of propagating the stereotypes and this has starved me of just being 'silly' and 'playful', which is of course the fundamental of 'craic'. They just don't get it, banter is something different because they have an inherent criterion of being 'clever' or 'the best' in everything they do. I have found this has roots in our use of language - we use the English language differently, with different connotations and tones which carry different meanings. This did cause arguments at times as people misunderstood me. Maybe this has just been my experience though...
Ultimately I admit I am afraid of this ongoing judgement, which maybe does exist outside of my own head! Maybe that's something everyone endures living in England and just gets on with it. But it definitely affected my relationships, funnily enough at the start she found it all interesting and funny but as time went on I felt as though everything I was saying was being judged and resented. So maybe, with her at least, it was more of a problem to do with the relationship having run its course... 
I think if I was to start again I would get a job closer to London and try have more of a social life. But honestly, it really feels like I am delaying the inevitable and the longer I leave it the worse it will be when I get back. I keep telling myself to just go back and 'try it' for a month or two, but that will be costly as re-settling here again would be expensive. It could be done though. Or maybe I should call up my ex and bring her flowers and 'get on with it'. As you the prospective reader can probably tell, my head is a bit all over the place, and I know this and think to myself I'm not ready yet to go back, and that maybe I should go travelling for a few weeks or something instead to help clear it... I know most ex-pats and ex ex-pats really struggle with this experience but could maybe offer some insight...
Thank you for reading

Wesser

Your post is slightly confusing....when you say things like I left , its not always clear what you are referring to.

It's not clear why you quit your job.....you had a job but couldn't afford to go.out with friends... you mean you couldn't afford to meet them at All??!! A single person with no children in fulltime employment cant afford to meet friends!? Or since you quit you can't afford to meet them?

I think we all reach a stage in our thirties where the social life is not what it used to be. This will happen to you england or in Ireland.

It sounds to me that the main problem.is that you are lonely. What can you do to tackle that?

I think you should see a counsellor for someone to talk to and clear the muddy waters and get professional advice before you make your final decision.

timeforrejuv20

Thanks Wesser I just read it back and realised the mistake at the start - have edited. Interesting comments though and you could be right, maybe i'm just lonely and missing the support and things to do etc... the situation is a bit more complex but I am mindful of keeping my anonymity so don't want to reveal too much

Airyfairy12

From what youve said in your post I think youre best leaving your ex alone. Also I wouldnt be focusing on trying to be an 'ambassador' for Ireland as that can grate on people. Patriotism while in another country comes across to locals as annoying at best, just be yourself and put your nationality to one side.
Could you move to London or another city? if youre not happy where you are after 5 years is there any point in staying put? You have zero responsibilities, why are you deciding to stay somewhere youre unhappy thats not even your home?

JoseJones

I can't really offer you any advice but I just wanted to say that a lot of what you say there is very familiar to me. I also have good friends in the UK but it's definitely different than having Irish friends, Irish people we just get each other and that's something that's always there in the background I think. The craic isn't the same with English people and we don't get each others humour as much.

There's always a dilemma there also in thinking that maybe you'd be better off moving back home, and there's always doubt in my mind whether I'm doing the right thing staying in the UK even though I would have more/ closer friends in Ireland. I'm not sure there is a right answer to that question really!

Are you working atm in England, or did you say you lost your job recently? Maybe it's a good time to try the move if you're out of work... Where abouts are you?

Colser

Can you explain more about your ex,is it definitely over or why would you consider buying her flowers?Is your indecision based more around work or your personal life?

timeforrejuv20

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone. I voluntarily left my job to go through with going home but am really re-considering now it's come to the crunch. So the indecision is definitely around my personal life.
In regards herself, she has two children and works two jobs, she had a lot going on but we got on really well. I don't think her heart was fully in it for the last month we were together, her commitment kind of came in waves, but she was under a lot of pressure.. eventually she was the one to end it and implied she was just finished with it, as in tired by/ of it. I believe that if I rang her up and asked her for a drink she would come. But on the flipside of that I think to myself how life might be a bit easier if I met someone at home instead...
It can work either way. The comment of why would I stay in a foreign place if it was making me unhappy is a really good one. Maybe I should take more of a view that I'm going back to base to re-think the gameplan  I'm not sure I want to spend another 5 or so years trying another place when I could settle at home and in that five years be married with kids which is kind of where my head's at. I don't think I know what I want sometimes, probably need a good kick up the h*le