What Nice Thing Could I Do For My Partner?

Kintarō Hattori

So Mum is at home all day while I go to work. When I come home in the evenings I make myself available to take over looking after our daughter and will prepare bottles, do the feeding if she doesn't want to, play with her, soothe her etc.

I'm conscious though that it's a tough job and she's at home while I'm away most of the day. I try to be the best dad I can and to support her as much as I can but it's going to be tough regardless. What can I do for her to help lift her spirits, to just give her that bit of relief and make her feel normal for a little while?

Bananaleaf

I don't have a baby, and this might not be mum's thing, but I will never forget the day I was given a voucher for a pamper package which included two treatments and lunch. I was able to go to the hotel, have my lunch, go to the pool for a long swim and then had my two treatments. It was heaven! If that is too much or you want to keep the cost down, what about a seaweed bath? Voya do these in Sligo for , like €80 or something, but you can buy the seaweed either online https://voya.ie/bath/lazy-days.html or in most Avoca stores for just €20. Do it at home - prepare the seaweed bath, get her a magazine, bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. You could even hang her bathrobe and slippers on the back of the door to make it feel all spa-like (I've thought about this a lot)

eviltwin

One off gestures are lovely but day to day support is what matters most and you sound really supportive. We always made sure each of us had a full day off once a fortnight, lie in, no cooking, time alone, a night out with friends or whatever. It's a chance to recharge the batteries and important you both get your down time. Once you have kids though, life is never the same, you can never replace the pre baby free time and relaxation. This is your new normal. Get plenty of time for just the two of you too, even if it's just a baby free meal at home or a walk around the block.

neonsofa

I think the best thing is constant support like you are doing. Maybe suggest that she arrange a day, like a Saturday, to do what she wants baby free. Stress that you'll take baby for that whole day and she can use her time however she wants.

Rather than arranging a day yourself or planning it for her, and it actually being a lot of hassle for her or not her thing, or too tiring. She'll know what she has energy for/what she wants to do etc.

She may just decide to go out alone for a walk or something but I can assure you if that's what she chooses then it'll mean the world to her. She may just even need to shower and pee alone for once! Honestly just the freedom to do as she pleases- even if it's nothing- for the day would probably mean the world to her. Although depending on age of baby she may not want to be away for too long. Maybe you could just bring baby out for a long walk/over to a friends house for a while so she can lounge around.

Simple hints become such luxuries when you have a newborn lol

Congrats on the baby

Bacchus

I'm in same boat as you OP. Sounds like you doing all the right things. I try to get up the majority of the weekday mornings (usually around 6:30) so my wife can sleep on for another hour before I go to work. Other than that though, during the week, there's not a lot else that can be done as our girl goes down at 7pm. As you say, organising the bottles, doing the bed routine etc. I'm not saying I do it all the time but I try to do those jobs more.

Really, the weekend is where you can "give a treat". Offer to stay at home and let your wife head off to town for a few hours, or meet friends. Take the lead maybe and buy her a spa voucher (as Bananaleaf suggested). TBH, most the time we like our weekends to be the three of us having family time but it's good to let mom have some "me time" every now and again.

Interested to hear any other ideas that pop up on this thread

Oh, my wife does classes in the evening twice a week. This wasn't something prompted by me but she enjoys getting out for those evenings and I'm happy to facilitate.

catrionanic

Our baby is a terrible sleeper, but my husband will get up with him in the mornings any time after 6 (usually sometime between 6.30 and 7.30), so I can sleep on for another hour or two before he leaves for work. This honestly makes such a huge difference to my ability to function and my mental health. More than anything else he could do!

It's also really lovely to know that your husband appreciates all that you do, and that he thinks about you. So small things like picking up a bunch of flowers every couple of weeks, bringing her home something small but thoughtful - her favourite chocolates, a bottle of wine, cosy slippers or PJs, a DVD of a film she's been meaning to see but couldnt get to because of the baby, or maybe the odd bottle of perfume. And doing thoughtful things like running her a bubble bath, telling her to make herself comfy on the sofa and have full control of the tv that evening, cooking her her favourite meal, a candlelit dinner table, etc etc. Small things that can make such a big difference.

Wish my husband was reading this lol

Bacchus

catrionanic wrote: »

... cooking her her favourite meal ...

Actually this is one area I'd like to be able to do more. Never mind favourite meal, just being able to get home in time to cook dinner would be nice. Unfortunately, our daughter eats at around 5-5:15pm and I get home at 5:20pm so dinner is already cooked. Weekends though... and random days off.

catrionanic

Bacchus wrote: »

Actually this is one area I'd like to be able to do more. Never mind favourite meal, just being able to get home in time to cook dinner would be nice. Unfortunately, our daughter eats at around 5-5:15pm and I get home at 5:20pm so dinner is already cooked. Weekends though... and random days off.

You could always batch cook a shepherds pie or lasagne or pie on a Sunday and pop it in the freezer... two nights dinner done for your wife in one go!

painauchocolat

catrionanic wrote: »

You could always batch cook a shepherds pie or lasagne or pie on a Sunday and pop it in the freezer... two nights dinner done for your wife in one go!

On this, you could (with extreme caution) buy (for the FAMILY! NOT as a gift for your wife) a slow cooker/Crock-Pot. They can be really useful for winter meals. Bonus points if you shop for and prep the ingredients so all she has to do is bung it all in and walk away.

Very important that you make it clear that you are not buying her a slow cooker as a gift because you wanted to make it easier for her to cook you dinner!!

poconnor16

Firstly, can I just say that you sound like you are an amazing partner and she is lucky to have you. A lot of people don't realise how hard it can be - and what you are doing in the evening means a lot when you are at home all day so keep it up!
Be sure and tell her how amazing you think she is, and how tough you think her job must be. Sometimes appreciation is very welcome. Have lots of chats once baby is gone down - adult conversation is also something that she will miss all day. Check in during the day just to say hello, if you can...a call or a text.
Come home with some flowers for no reason.
Give her a weekend day off...maybe a lie, and tell her to head off them to meet friends, beautifcian appt, browse the shops - assure her that she has no reason to worry and that she can completely switch off, baby will be fine.
Keep up the great partnership you guys have x

brokensoul

One of the nicest things my OH did for me was let me off for a day to Kildare Village. A whole day away from the kids, lunch with a buddy, and spending money! It was bliss.

(It was my Christmas present so it might be too expensive as a "just cos" present but maybe even a lower key version of that might work. Only if she likes shopping though!)

mirrorwall14

The best evenings were when I had had a rough day and my OH knew (from the tone of texts). He'd walk in, hand me my keys and say go get a coffee in Mc donalds or something or just drive. It was usually too late to go for a snack but I drank a fair few Mc donalds coffee reading their papers and revelling in the silence after a long day over the first few months. They were invaluable for my mental health

neonsofa

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

The best evenings were when I had had a rough day and my OH knew (from the time of texts). He'd walk in, hand me my keys and say go get a coffee in Mc donalds or something or just drive. It was usually too late to go for a snack but I drank a fair few Mc donalds coffee reading their papers and revelling in the silence after a long day over the first few months. They were invaluable for my mental health

This is so lovely. What a lovely partner.
It really is just that time alone with a bit of real freedom. They are so rare in the early days and like you say they are invaluable for your mental health. It's just getting that room to breath and do whatever in your own sweet time, not a stolen minute in between other tasks.

mirrorwall14

neonsofa wrote: »

This is so lovely. What a lovely partner.
It really is just that time alone with a bit of real freedom. They are so rare in the early days and like you say they are invaluable for your mental health. It's just getting that room to breath and do whatever in your own sweet time, not a stolen minute in between other tasks.

It really is. I wouldn't have wanted to be away for long but half an hour in Mc Donalds was more than enough to give me my mojo back and I know on more than one occasion he screamed pretty much the whole time I was gone (reflux baby and a lot of sore throats) but even though I was coming back to a night of crying and screaming that space was enough to get me through

waterfaerie

I would agree with the other posters who said it's all about the small things and I would even say that sometimes the small things you say can help more than anything you could do.

If I could give just one bit of advice to all Dads it would be to simply tell your wife or partner that she is a wonderful mother every single day, especially in the first months.

neonsofa

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

It really is. I wouldn't have wanted to be away for long but half an hour in Mc Donalds was more than enough to give me my mojo back and I know on more than one occasion he screamed pretty much the whole time I was gone (reflux baby and a lot of sore throats) but even though I was coming back to a night of crying and screaming that space was enough to get me through

I had visions of your partner screaming the whole time and then I realised you were talking about your baby! :pac:

bp

All of the above! You sound really good at being there for your wife. Flowers for no reason, a break from baby and house (if I stay in the house I clean so don't get a break), a baby sitter for the two of you to go for a drink or dinner and a movie. I love spa days - every birthday, Christmas and anniversary I get one or sometimes a night away...bliss! My OH feels guilty for not getting me gifts but days away is what I want. Oh and to come home to a clean house after my day away!

Kintarō Hattori

Many thanks for all the inspiration folks. She's not really a girly girl so spa days etc just wouldn't be used or appreciated. I think the best suggestion is going to be to try and give her a day off at the weekend and insist that she leave the house for more than just a few hours. I suggested Mon-Wed as there's not much open/happening that she could head out for a while to grab a coffee somewhere and read a newspaper, as per a suggestion here, but I don't think that'll be a goer.

So, weekend days off, flowers/random gifts and plenty of praise/recognition.

Alf Veedersane

I came too late to the party so I can just echo all of the suggestions. When she's at home with the baby all day, time to herself will be gold.

She can decide how she wants to fill it. Some days my wife just wanted to go into town and walk around the shops, some days it was a swim, some days it was to go into the sitting room for a few hours with magazines and a DVD etc etc. But just to have the time to herself was a big deal for her.

Aside from that, keep doing what you're doing

pwurple

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Many thanks for all the inspiration folks. She's not really a girly girl so spa days etc just wouldn't be used or appreciated. I think the best suggestion is going to be to try and give her a day off at the weekend and insist that she leave the house for more than just a few hours. I suggested Mon-Wed as there's not much open/happening that she could head out for a while to grab a coffee somewhere and read a newspaper, as per a suggestion here, but I don't think that'll be a goer.

So, weekend days off, flowers/random gifts and plenty of praise/recognition.

You know her better than me, but flowers and gifts with a new baby, while the thought was appreciated, were not fun for me. Have to trim the flowers, find a vase, mind them, remember to chuck them, etc. Gifts the same... try to find a place for them, realise how much baby clutter is around, get annoyed.

I found caring for a newborn very isolating here, it's like solitary confinement. Everyone gives you "space". I wanted adult conversation. Grown ups. Social interaction.

Just come home from work on time. Send a few messages during the day if you can, at lunchtime etc.

supersheeps

My husband takes over care of the kiddies on weekend mornings and I get to sleep or shower in relative peace!! That's simple but fab, just don't come barging in for nappy changes or random questions! If they're still asleep, sometimes he'll disappear and come back with proper coffee and a pastry for my breakdast, which is also lush.
Time to yourself is really the best treat. Book a haircut or something for her in the evening or weekend, luxury. Oh, and a hug and kiss when you come in the door from work. That's an essential!