Ex messaged me

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I am looking for advice. I am so emotionally messed I am finding it hard to think of the best thing to do. An ex got back in contact. It ended due to a long distance and in that time they got together with someone else who they are still seeing. They contacted to see how I was doing. There are still clear feelings here On both sides. Do I keep contact, what if things change? Do I ask them to not contact? Do I Block? Their partner does not know we are in communication.

Thanks a mil.

Estrellita

Tomford1 wrote: »

Hi there,

I am looking for advice. I am so emotionally messed I am finding it hard to think of the best thing to do. An ex got back in contact. It ended due to a long distance and in that time they got together with someone else who they are still seeing. They contacted to see how I was doing. There are still clear feelings here On both sides. Do I keep contact, what if things change? Do I ask them to not contact? Do I Block? Their partner does not know we are in communication.

Thanks a mil.

As soon as they started seeing someone else (while in the relationship with you) then that ship had sailed. Some people can come back from an infidelity, I wouldn't be one of them.

When exes get in touch, it's rarely just a hello, how are you thing. There's normally troubled waters and said ex is looking for an ego boost. Essentially, the cheater is willing to cheat again only the other way around, by the sounds of it.

Were you not hurt enough first time around? Don't allow your past to seep into your present. You don't need someone else's problems intoxicating your life.

Tell them it was nice to hear from them but you've moved on with your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply Emerlite (sorry I forget your username). Maybe this is the case re ego boost, but I asked and they said they were happy in the relationship but.. I don't know maybe they are considering the what if? I'm not sure.

Yes I was very hurt before but even though it twinges sometimes (a lot recently) I had to move on. Now it's like it's opened again I still have feelings though. Am I fooling myself to thinking things might change in a few months by just staying in contact? Any experiences greatly appreciated. I don't have much experience with guys.

kylith

If they're with someone else then my gut feeling is that they have contacted you as an ego boost. They want you to return their message so that they can tell themselves that you still hold a candle and if they decided to leave their partner they could have you back, if they so deigned. Or else they want you as a bit on the side.

Either way nothing good will come of it, ignore their message and block them.

LegacyUser

The fact that you know that their partner doesn't know you're in contact indicates that your contact has already been more than just a casual message or two. The fact that it was mentioned is because at least one of you wants to know what they can get away with, what they can get out of it. Your ex is planning to cheat and/or you're planning to facilitate them, or you think they might come back now that they're not happy in a relationship they moved on to out of convenience. You're not conflicted, you're delighted with the idea that they can't let you go and they're enjoying being able to dangle you. You'd love someone here to tell you it means you're fated to be together and you should run to each other.

Maybe see this as a chance for growth by pointing out that no distance would have been too great if they really valued you and the relationship, but they didn't and it's over and should be left that way. In fact, they have a poor approach to relationships if they are behaving like this towards their new partner. Is that who you want to be and be with? When someone who tells you who they are, make sure you're listening.

batmanrobin

I'd agree with what the others have posted. Your ex is in a relationship and is sniffing around you. That's not cool. They have no reason to contact you, and they absolutely shouldn't be while they're in a relationship. I would imagine they're only doing so for the ego boost.

Do not keep in contact. I get the feeling you'll be setting yourself up for heartache if you do.

Ignore the message if you can.

Edited to add: don't allow yourself to be this person's backup plan. Don't keep in contact in the hopes that they'll come back to you if they break up with their current partner. It won't be you they'll be sticking with. You'll be the fall back, the in between person, the one they'll reel in when they want an ego boost and the one they'll drop when they want someone else.

banoffe2

Mind yourself OP when I broke up with my ex and just about to heal and move on, he would get in contact with me and plead how much he missed me etc., this always happened when the relationship wasn't going they way he wanted it to, I learned the hard way! Next time he tried it in other relationships I chose not to reply or engage with him, in that way the other person never knows what you are feeling or thinking, keep the focus on yourself, you deserve better.

Ursus Horribilis

How do we know the ex is looking for an ego boost? Maybe he/she is over the split and thinks the OP is over it too. That it's just a friendly hello to check in with them?

Regardless, if our OP doesn't want to hear from the ex then it's not unreasonable to ask him/her not to text again. Or to just block the number. The relationship is over and they've no reason to stay in contact.

LegacyUser

Hi there. Thanks for your honest replies so far. I understand where you are coming from. But first I want to say that I would never cheat or allow him to cheat with me. I love him still, that's why it's so hard to cut contact because it does not feel right. I guess it's just accepting it did not work out for us and moving on.

I said to stop contact a few months ago but another message came. And square 1. But more hurt because my feelings are messed around. Maybe they have no idea of this, I havnt said. Blocking seems so extreme, almost like a death! Because you can never talk to them again with blocking. Can people make mistakes with their relationship choices and go back? Or does everyone just keep moving on, not giving second chances? In moving on I am giving up on this love, I know there may be more opportunities ahead but it's a sad thing.

I'll try my best to move on. Thanks for your help.

dudara

Hi OP - just a reminder that you only need to post a response once. As you are posting unregistered, your post will remain "in limbo" until it is approved by a mod.

kylith

Some people do split up and get back together. It's never worked for me, but it can. He's in a relationship, though, and if he actually wanted to get back with you he wouldn't be seeing someone else.

Yes, blocking can seem like a massive step, but him being able to get in touch with you is obviously not doing you any good. What are you hoping to gain by not blocking him? Do you want him back?