Older Gay Issue

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm heading for the big FIVE-O but I've known that I was gay from an early age. Living in a small town in the 80s I kept under the radar as homophobia was rampant. In 1993 being gay was decriminalised - a good step forward - but a bit too late for me. In 2015 another great milestone - when same sex marriage was legalised. Yet I seem to have missed the boat on all counts. The gay scene is so mixed now that as a 50yo man I don't think I'd fit in. Sorry if I'm a bit emotional and confused but to be honest I'm just lonely. Is this as good as it gets?

baby and crumble

a curious lozenge wrote: »

Hi. I'm heading for the big FIVE-O but I've known that I was gay from an early age. Living in a small town in the 80s I kept under the radar as homophobia was rampant. In 1993 being gay was decriminalised - a good step forward - but a bit too late for me. In 2015 another great milestone - when same sex marriage was legalised. Yet I seem to have missed the boat on all counts. The gay scene is so mixed now that as a 50yo man I don't think I'd fit in. Sorry if I'm a bit emotional and confused but to be honest I'm just lonely. Is this as good as it gets?

OP, you're only 50. Seriously, that's not old, at all.

Ok, you might feel out of place in the traditional club scene- I do and I'm 35. But that's the "scene" rather than the "community"- and that's an important distinction to make. There's PILES of stuff for LGBTQ folks who are not into pubbing/ clubbing- you've got community groups, you'v e got things like the Gay film and theatre festivals, you have LGBTQ sports and activity groups, you've got choirs, etc. There's even special groups for older LGBTQ folks- there is one specifically for older men- but that's 55+, so you're not even there yet!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks baby and crumble for your reply. I appreciate that there's plenty of stuff for LGBTQ folks - provided that you live in Dublin or Cork. However it can be more difficult for folk who live in more rural areas. Apologies if I sounded a bit tired and emotional earlier because in general I'm not. Statements like 'make the most of life' or 'you only live once' and other pointless cliches are as useful as telling a depressed person to snap out of it.

baby and crumble

a curious lozenge wrote: »

Thanks baby and crumble for your reply. I appreciate that there's plenty of stuff for LGBTQ folks - provided that you live in Dublin or Cork. However it can be more difficult for folk who live in more rural areas. Apologies if I sounded a bit tired and emotional earlier because in general I'm not. Statements like 'make the most of life' or 'you only live once' and other pointless cliches are as useful as telling a depressed person to snap out of it.

As someone who grew up herself in rural Ireland I do know what you mean. But as far as I know there is something in most counties for LGBTQ folks. A lot of the Yes Equality groups are still going as a kind of local support groups, and we even saw new Pride parades popping up this year!

Plus, don't forget the power of the internet to make connections and combat isolation. It might sound like 2nd best but it's how I survived making friends as a closeted lesbian for many years- and that was when the web was really just starting. Now there's piles of groups operating online via Facebook or other fora. Thing is, none of it, even if you live in Dublin, comes to you without effort. Once you get past college age it is really hard to make new connections and friends, even without the added complication of sexuality. You have to be proactive about it.

RonaldStump

I'm torn with this one. I often feel the same as you OP, asking myself 'Is this as good as it gets?'. But when I reflect on it, I'm comparing my life to what I see in the media, or on social media. My life is pretty good.

Are you still living in rural Ireland? Is there anything keeping you there? I moved to Dublin a few years back and tried to get involved with the gay community. I hated the scene and instead, volunteered with different LGBTQ support groups which helped me meet loads of people.

nkav86

I know every says try Meetup.com but it is actually quite diverse. You're bound to find a hobby type they cater for, or even a few drinks/cinema/walking/coffee. Don't lose hope, you're absolutely still capable of getting out there!

Heebie

Something not to discount out of hand is moving closer to Dublin or Cork, as well. It depends on your situation, but moving within Ireland isn't that difficult as long as you can find suitable housing. If you already have a place, you could even get income from that to help support you elsewhere.
If it's important enough to you, you'll make it work. If it's not important enough to you to make you move, then get to know people online and take trips to larger areas to be in friendly, accepting company.

I'm 49 myself, but not real big on the whole socializing thing in truth, but when I do go out, I head out someplace where I don't have to worry about whether people notice I'm checking out men.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies and life hasn't been a complete disaster for me. I integrated well enough during the school and college years and didn't stick out as a deviant. I was lucky enough to be successful in sports and education and got a decent qualification and a fairly decent job. The down-side is that I used the straight template that I was conditioned to for my life. Now I have a decent job, a house etc. but I don't have the 2.3 kids that would give my life a purpose. I honestly can't complain that I followed the rules. (BTW, I could have been the dad that I wished for - but I didn't want to be untruthful and wreck another person's life)