Cocaine

tipp.angel

Hi

I hope im in the right area..my boyfriend uses cocaine..im a mother of one. Recently my boyfriend and I were talking about buying property and settling down..

I knew my boyfriend had taken stuff in his younger years but now? Am i over reacting..
I feel confused and to be honest not sure how to label how i feel.
Im a non user...

neonsofa

My suggestions would change based on a lot of different factors. Like how you found out and how he behaved when you did? Was he upfront with you? Did he accuse you of over reacting? Did he actively keep his drug use from you? Is it once in a blue moon with his friends or every Friday through Sunday?

theniamh

I agree with what neonsofa said. Has he been hiding it from you?
I don't take it myself but my fiancee does (once in a blue moon) but I have always known about it, and we have spoken about it, like it's never left lying around, he has never hid it from me. And I have said if we have kids and it's in the house it's a deal breaker and he agrees. I guess you need to talk about it too him.

tipp.angel

neonsofa wrote: »

My suggestions would change based on a lot of different factors. Like how you found out and how he behaved when you did? Was he upfront with you? Did he accuse you of over reacting? Did he actively keep his drug use from you? Is it once in a blue moon with his friends or every Friday through Sunday?

I asked him straight out and he was honest and said yeah he had 2 lines. Im just a bit shocked. He does it with the lads perhaps every second week. No he didnt accuse me of over reacting..i just questioned why he needed to take it and i just said i dont believe in taking drugs and i pointed out thats where we are different and he said im being honest..which honesty is great.

ShaShaBear

tipp.angel wrote: »

I asked him straight out and he was honest and said yeah he had 2 lines. Im just a bit shocked. He does it with the lads perhaps every second week. No he didnt accuse me of over reacting..i just questioned why he needed to take it and i just said i dont believe in taking drugs and i pointed out thats where we are different and he said im being honest..which honesty is great.

When it comes to drug use, there is no such thing as over-reacting where a child is involved.
One party may believe it is harmless, that they keep the drugs safe, that they only do it occasionally.
The other party can choose not to accept that.

If you don't feel comfortable with the usage, then you are right to feel so. It's up to your partner at this point to decide if the restriction of his drug usage is acceptable or not. Personally, once a fortnight doing coke is too much in my opinion and I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone on coke around my child. That's just a personal opinion.

Dial Hard

It really depends on how you feel about it. It would be an instant deal breaker for me, but others are fine with drug use.

TheBully

ShaShaBear wrote: »

When it comes to drug use, there is no such thing as over-reacting where a child is involved.
One party may believe it is harmless, that they keep the drugs safe, that they only do it occasionally.
The other party can choose not to accept that.

If you don't feel comfortable with the usage, then you are right to feel so. It's up to your partner at this point to decide if the restriction of his drug usage is acceptable or not. Personally, once a fortnight doing coke is too much in my opinion and I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone on coke around my child. That's just a personal opinion.

To be fair I don't think he's on coke around the child! He takes a line or two on a night out

ShaShaBear

TheBully wrote: »

To be fair I don't think he's on coke around the child! He takes a line or two on a night out

And if he buys property with the OP like she states they are looking to do, will he be coming home to their shared house and therefore be around the child on coke?

Ursus Horribilis

OP did you post before about your concerns over your boyfriend's heavy drinking?

neonsofa

tipp.angel wrote: »

I asked him straight out and he was honest and said yeah he had 2 lines. Im just a bit shocked. He does it with the lads perhaps every second week. No he didnt accuse me of over reacting..i just questioned why he needed to take it and i just said i dont believe in taking drugs and i pointed out thats where we are different and he said im being honest..which honesty is great.

When you say you asked him straight out, was it just out of the blue or did you have suspicions? Was it his behaviour that made you ask him? Cause if that's the case then it's affecting you/your relationship already, regardless of how little/often he does it.

Honesty is great but is it a case of trickle truth? Where you ask him straight out and he'll give you some kind of truth "oh tonight I only had two lines, I'm being honest", whereas the reality is most nights he does more but he'll keep that to himself until you ask him something else straight out. As in he'll only ever tell you as much as he thinks you know. This is all me thinking out loud, not stating it's actually happening.

kyogger

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And if he buys property with the OP like she states they are looking to do, will he be coming home to their shared house and therefore be around the child on coke?

Just curious here- would you find it acceptable if he comes home after a couple of pints of beer? Or if he has a glass of wine in the home while the child is there?

ShaShaBear

kyogger wrote: »

Just curious here- would you find it acceptable if he comes home after a couple of pints of beer? Or if he has a glass of wine in the home while the child is there?

I would personally believe that a glass of wine would not equate to 2 lines of coke. Again, I said it's personal preference. It's an illegal narcotic and I personally wouldn't have someone under it's influence around my kids. Again, if the OP does not feel comfortable with it, she has to put her own child first. He can do all the coke he wants, but she does not have to feel okay about it.

For the record, I would not allow any man under the influence of anything to the point I would deem him unpredictable to be around my children, be it weed, alcohol, coke etc.

December2012

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me but I am not into drugs at all so I don't know realistically how much it could affect us, financially, emotionally, or whether or not he gets hooked.

I would also be thinking about how that could be introduced in Court if my ex ever found out and tried to use it to remove my child from me.

Have you signed contracts yet, or just saving? If just saving, keep your money in your own account until you figure out where your position is.

kyogger

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I would personally believe that a glass of wine would not equate to 2 lines of coke. Again, I said it's personal preference. It's an illegal narcotic and I personally wouldn't have someone under it's influence around my kids. Again, if the OP does not feel comfortable with it, she has to put her own child first. He can do all the coke he wants, but she does not have to feel okay about it.

For the record, I would not allow any man under the influence of anything to the point I would deem him unpredictable to be around my children, be it weed, alcohol, coke etc.

Fair enough. Sounds like you don't have any double standards.
The only reason I asked was I have always found it interesting how people are quick to judge those who do drugs (recreationally) but have no issues with someone taking alcohol in similar (or even much larger) doses. I suppose it comes down to legality- but really what does it matter whether something is legal or not when you think deeper about it.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have concerns, then they are valid. I've posted regularly about my friend here who separated from her husband 3 years ago. He was an occasional cocaine user. Only took it on nights out, or stag nights etc. She excused it away as "he's young, he's enjoying himself, all the lads are doing it". They had children. He continued. Only he started doing it at home, on his own, all night. Using cocaine to keep himself up so that he could drink for longer.

She got to a point where she would be getting up with the children in the morning and he would be going to bed. She would be crawling around the floor checking for bags that he wasn't sure whether or not he had actually used. They hadn't a penny. They had a mortgage and hadn't made a payment in it for 2 years before she left. Sometimes she would visit her mother at dinner time just so the kids would be fed. He had exhausted all his friends for loans, and he used to have her asking her friends. She asked him to stop. He agreed to cut down/only take it on stag nights etc.

She left him 3 years ago and he is just as bad now as he was then. She ignored all her gut feelings.

Your fella might not ever get to that stage, but you have a right to say what is or isn't acceptable in a relationship with you. He has every right to decide he can do what he likes, but you have equal right to decide you're not going to stick around for that.

Your gut is telling you something. People who ignore their gut, usually end up regretting it.

Aspadeaspade

This would be and has been a deal breaker for me OP. And even more so when a child is involved. I've taken the drug in the past and although it may sound very hypocritical of me, I couldn't be involved with someone who engages in regular coke or any other drug taking. Personally I wouldn't touch the stuff today as I know how addictive it is and how it messes you up mentally. It's got a terrible reputation for a reason and you know this OP. If I were you I would take a serious long hard look at my relationship with this person. This won't end well. I wouldn't even try and convince someone to stop because they'd probably just hide it from me and I'm not playing the role of fixer at this point in my life. Best of luck OP. You're asking the right questions, don't let him play this down.

Teyla Emmagan

I wouldn't be happy either. You can't underestimate the hold cocaine has on people until they can successfully stop taking it. I would be very keen if I were you to see your boyfriend stop completely before going any further.

I know a guy whose wife died (she was my friend). He always liked a drink and a few joints and when her life assurance paid out he could have unlimited amounts of same. He was lucky enough to meet someone else and have a baby. But by now he was on booze and coke and they were more important than the new girl and baby. So she left and got a court order saying he would have to have drug tests to prove he was clean before seeing the baby again. And he can't comply. It's very sad.

So if I were you I would be insistent on this one OP.

Big Bag of Chips

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

So she left and got a court order saying he would have to have drug tests to prove he was clean before seeing the baby again. And he can't comply. It's very sad.

Similar, my friend's ex rarely sees their children. He rings his 8 year old daughter regularly, promising her they can come over at the weekend. Friday or Saturday comes and either they don't hear from him at all or he texts to say he's "sick".

Her daughter is seeing a child psychologist and does play therapy. She's a very angry and very confused little girl. And she's too afraid to say anything to her dad in case he disappears completely, so her mam is the one bearing the brunt of all her anger at how her dad treats her.

Think long and hard about this, OP. If he's not willing to give up, you have to see if you're willing to put up with it. He might never get as bad as the men mentioned here. But you need to consider your child and think about if you're willing to take the chance?

Edit: You can always agree to starting to save now, really save with a view to buying your own place in a year or two. Ask him to start saving, and agree an amount that you are both going to save, and how much you hope to have saved in a few months. In a few months get your bank statements together to see how much you've both saved. This will tell you whether or not he is serious about it. If he is, then you can move forward. If he hasn't bothered to make a proper attempt at saving then you'll know... And will have your own savings built up anyway.

tipp.angel

neonsofa wrote: »

When you say you asked him straight out, was it just out of the blue or did you have suspicions? Was it his behaviour that made you ask him? Cause if that's the case then it's affecting you/your relationship already, regardless of how little/often he does it.

Honesty is great but is it a case of trickle truth? Where you ask him straight out and he'll give you some kind of truth "oh tonight I only had two lines, I'm being honest", whereas the reality is most nights he does more but he'll keep that to himself until you ask him something else straight out. As in he'll only ever tell you as much as he thinks you know. This is all me thinking out loud, not stating it's actually happening.

I had a suspicion..i wasnt 100%. It was obvious his friend had taken something..& plus i know how influenced he can be. But to my surprise he admitted that he was the one who got it & supplied it...also he said shur everybody takes it! I think you are right it is a case of trickle truth because if i didnt ask..i would never have known or been any the wiser!

tipp.angel

Think long and hard about this, OP. If he's not willing to give up, you have to see if you're willing to put up with it. He might never get as bad as the men mentioned here. But you need to consider your child and think about if you're willing to take the chance?

Edit: You can always agree to starting to save now, really save with a view to buying your own place in a year or two. Ask him to start saving, and agree an amount that you are both going to save, and how much you hope to have saved in a few months. In a few months get your bank statements together to see how much you've both saved. This will tell you whether or not he is serious about it. If he is, then you can move forward. If he hasn't bothered to make a proper attempt at saving then you'll know... And will have your own savings built up anyway.[/quote]

Thats the thing am i willing to put up with it...thats where i am conflicted..he lied to me once about it at xmas..admitted the truth that he took it at the weekend..he is definitely not as bad as the people mentioned in the above stories. Its just i dont believe in that...& if he was going out i think it would always be in the back of my mind did he use..is he lying to me..can i trust him.

This is the hard part..when we have our family days he's amazing, a fantastic father figure to my daughter and that's the side that i love. Hes a well liked popular individual and a lovely person. So im just confused about the future i guess and possibly my daughters reaction if i decide to split with him because she loves him and he loves her.

Thanks so much for all your advice

bigpink

theniamh wrote: »

I agree with what neonsofa said. Has he been hiding it from you?
I don't take it myself but my fiancee does (once in a blue moon) but I have always known about it, and we have spoken about it, like it's never left lying around, he has never hid it from me. And I have said if we have kids and it's in the house it's a deal breaker and he agrees. I guess you need to talk about it too him.

And your cool with it?

Big Bag of Chips

tipp.angel wrote: »

he is definitely not as bad as the people mentioned in the above stories.

They didn't start off that bad either. It progresses over time.

It's ok to not be ok with something. You know yourself and what you're happy with or comfortable with. You can't put your feelings secondary to someone else's, that's where problems start. He might be brilliant, but this is one very serious issue that it is ok to not be happy with. You don't like it, he does. So are you supposed to just shut up and accept it? Every 2 weeks is what he has told you. To me, that's not occasional use, that's a habit. My friend's ex got to the point where as soon as he had a few drinks he'd want cocaine. As a result he is now and alcoholic drug addict. But he wasn't always that bad. She has children with him, built a life with him. Always telling herself he wasn't that bad.

If it's not a habit, and if it's no big deal to him, then he shouldn't mind not taking it for the sake of your relationship and your family. If he's not happy to give it up then you know what's a bigger priority to him... And you know it's more than just occasional use.

neonsofa

tipp.angel wrote: »

Thats the thing am i willing to put up with it...thats where i am conflicted..he lied to me once about it at xmas..admitted the truth that he took it at the weekend..he is definitely not as bad as the people mentioned in the above stories. Its just i dont believe in that...& if he was going out i think it would always be in the back of my mind did he use..is he lying to me..can i trust him.

This is the hard part..when we have our family days he's amazing, a fantastic father figure to my daughter and that's the side that i love. Hes a well liked popular individual and a lovely person. So im just confused about the future i guess and possibly my daughters reaction if i decide to split with him because she loves him and he loves her.

Thanks so much for all your advice

He lied about it before. Why did he lie? Because he knew it'd annoy you? Then he did it again- knowing it could potentially be an issue. Not only did it, but actually was the one to buy it/arrange it. Not a case of "the lads are doing it so i will too" -not that thats a valid excuse either mind. Then he kept it from you til you asked him. And when he told you, he downplayed it.

If he's as good a dad as you are saying then breakibg up won't change that. People Co parent all the time.

tipp.angel

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

They didn't start off that bad either. It progresses over time.

It's ok to not be ok with something. You know yourself and what you're happy with or comfortable with. You can't put your feelings secondary to someone else's, that's where problems start. He might be brilliant, but this is one very serious issue that it is ok to not be happy with. You don't like it, he does. So are you supposed to just shut up and accept it? Every 2 weeks is what he has told you. To me, that's not occasional use, that's a habit. My friend's ex got to the point where as soon as he had a few drinks he'd want cocaine. As a result he is now and alcoholic drug addict. But he wasn't always that bad. She has children with him, built a life with him. Always telling herself he wasn't that bad.

If it's not a habit, and if it's no big deal to him, then he shouldn't mind not taking it for the sake of your relationship and your family. If he's not happy to give it up then you know what's a bigger priority to him... And you know it's more than just occasional use.

I said its every two weeks but im actually wrong (i had written the post before i had spoken to him about it all the next morning)..apparently its once in a blue moon. But im not 100%. Thanks for all the advice.

LegacyUser

He's a man not a teenager, bit old for the "sure everybody does it" rationalisations. If his perception is that everybody does it, it's likely that the majority of his social circle do. It's also unlikely to stop. I've seen coke take it's grip on people and quickly so. I wouldn't want my kids near anyone that even dabbled let alone used consistently. As for whatever suggestions have been made for saving etc I wouldn't dream of a joint account with this chap. Lying by omission is still lying and liars rarely admit to more than they've been caught out doing. I'd be surprised if what you do know at this point re. usage is the full story. If he develops full blown addiction you can bank on there being many crazy lies. Also in terms of him obtaining and supplying to his friends you might also have the legalities to deal with he could basically be considered to be dealing a class A. If he's the one sourcing it in his social circle I'm not buying the just going along with the crowd aspect.

lifeandtimes

My friends and I would similar to your other half in that we would partake in it once in a blue moon. We used to take it regularly in our younger years but now we are older and have children,mortgages etc and to be honest some of my friends have very high up standing positions we don't do it as often. However we would never do it in our house,around our children. Only on weekends away(we all live in different countries) and stags etc.

I actually can't remember the last time we did and I think it's just a bit of a kick when we get together.

My partners knows and she did it when we younger but doesn't now.

We've had the talk and set boundaries regarding it but to be honest its just common sense. Not in the house,do not be on it around the children etc.

Have a chat with your bf about what you feel is acceptable and not. If he's decent he will agree and stick within guideline and like me slowly grow out of it

Honesty is key here and if he's honest then you won't have anything to worry about but if there are lies then I would start to worry

kylith

I can't say it would bother me overmuch, though I don't do it myself and I dont' like to be around people on it cos it makes them insufferable. However, I would not have it in the house, especially with a child around.

If it's once in a while and he's not spending a load of cash on it, coming home off his tits, or bringing it into the house it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

Ursus Horribilis

tipp.angel wrote: »

I said its every two weeks but im actually wrong (i had written the post before i had spoken to him about it all the next morning)..apparently its once in a blue moon. But im not 100%. Thanks for all the advice.

Tipp Angel. I asked did you post before about this guy and his heavy drinking. I remember it because the person who wrote it suddenly backtracked on everything she'd said about his drinking and that really it was OK and he wasn't drinking as much as she'd thought. Are you about to do the same thing here?

theniamh

bigpink wrote: »

And your cool with it?

yeah it doesn't bother me, each to there own, now we have talked about it and he doesn't hide it from me, i knew going into the relationship that he took it. 7 years later and he is the one saving better than me for our deposit for a house!

bigpink

theniamh wrote: »

yeah it doesn't bother me, each to there own, now we have talked about it and he doesn't hide it from me, i knew going into the relationship that he took it. 7 years later and he is the one saving better than me for our deposit for a house!

It must tho.Its a serious drug

theniamh

bigpink wrote: »

It must tho.Its a serious drug

Oh I understand its a serious drug, but it doesn't bother me, he doesn't pressure me into taking it or any drug, it doesn't change him when he is on it. He is similar to another poster here, when he was young he took it more often, but it out grew it i guess! Now he does it maybe if we are at a festival or meets up with childhood friends and the likes. Obviously it would be better for his health if he didn't, but that's his choice!

tipp.angel

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Tipp Angel. I asked did you post before about this guy and his heavy drinking. I remember it because the person who wrote it suddenly backtracked on everything she'd said about his drinking and that really it was OK and he wasn't drinking as much as she'd thought. Are you about to do the same thing here?

Yeah i did post before. I dont feel im back tracking. Originally i said he used every 2 weeks..but that was before i had had a conversation about it with him. All i know is wat he has told me.

ShaShaBear

tipp.angel wrote: »

Yeah i did post before. I dont feel im back tracking. Originally i said he used every 2 weeks..but that was before i had had a conversation about it with him. All i know is wat he has told me.

And you've already said you believe it's trickle truth, that you aren't sure you believe him, that he's already lied to you about using it directly and you used the word "apparently", meaning this "once in a blue moon" is not fact, just what he's saying.
If you've posted before about him being a heavy drinker, and now he's lying about a coke habit, I think you should consider more carefully how your daughter might feel if he DOES stay, rather than if he doesn't.

tipp.angel

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And you've already said you believe it's trickle truth, that you aren't sure you believe him, that he's already lied to you about using it directly and you used the word "apparently", meaning this "once in a blue moon" is not fact, just what he's saying.
If you've posted before about him being a heavy drinker, and now he's lying about a coke habit, I think you should consider more carefully how your daughter might feel if he DOES stay, rather than if he doesn't.

Yeah i completely agree with u..i only know what he told me.
Theres a lot to consider..thanks for your advice

Eimee90

Cocaine! For god's sake, how can people be so chilled about this. It's a dangerous, addictive drug. I wouldn't be seen dead with someone using it. I'm sorry Op. But heavy drinking and using coke... You need to get out of there before its too late.

Dr Crayfish

elsa21 wrote: »

Cocaine! For god's sake, how can people be so chilled about this. It's a dangerous, addictive drug. I wouldn't be seen dead with someone using it. I'm sorry Op. But heavy drinking and using coke... You need to get out of there before its too late.

I'm not condoning its use but you'd be surprised how many people from all walks of life use it. God I've met doctors, barristers, very professional people with what look like perfect families etc that like a few lines here and there. It can get out of hand though, so the OP needs to be wary of that.

lifeandtimes

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm not condoning its use but you'd be surprised how many people from all walks of life use it. God I've met doctors, barristers, very professional people with what look like perfect families etc that like a few lines here and there. It can get out of hand though, so the OP needs to be wary of that.

I can seconds this, I know many upstanding people, young and old who have and still use it who have very respectable jobs and do them very well too. Just because the media paints a picture of users as people on the street begging for change doesn't mean they are. As an example have you ever American psycho(not patrick bateman) or the wolf of wall street ?
It's not fictional and that's how it is,people can use it and do their job and still live their life well.

For the op it's all a out boundaries and what they find acceptable. As one poster said would.op rather he drank all day every day as it's legal (still addictive and destructive as cocaine) or do a few lines every once and a while.

Truth and honesty needs to be the corner stone here. If ops partner is lying them the issue lies there and not the speratic cocaine use. As I said and not to toot my own horn but my friends and I used when we were younger but have since slowly grown out of it to the point I can't remember the last time we took it but if we were to meet up again and it was offered I'd take it,considering the rules my partner and I set out

The whole argument of" its illegal , it's the worst thing ever,it destroys lives' is a bit much...yes it has done them things to people but so has alcohol and that's legal and taxed to the maximum so maybe research before jumping on the bandwagon

skallywag

From the danger side I think that there are two things to consider, one is the immediate risk while the second is dependency. The dependency side of things is pretty well known, though it's also true to say that Alcohol is pretty much on a par for the mayhem produced once the user becomes seriously addicted. From the immediate risk perspective I believe that many users are not aware of the risks when it's mixed together with alcohol. It then produces a substance called cocaethylene which is massively toxic to the heart, and can most certainly cause immediate severe health issues. There are of course also risks when taken without alcohol, but they are much reduced. It can of course be argued that drinking large amounts of alcohol can also have immediate risks, but in the case of cocaine even small amounts when combined with alcohol can produce cocaethylene levles which are highly toxic.

LegacyUser

If they actually posted the "celebrity" deaths that occur due to cocaine as opposed to chalking them down to heart problems/attacks I don't think the drug would be as glamorised

PhilipsR

Nothere17 wrote: »

If they actually posted the "celebrity" deaths that occur due to cocaine as opposed to chalking them down to heart problems/attacks I don't think the drug would be as glamorised

Same with alcohol too.

FTA69

I'd be very careful here OP, something is awry and you know it yourself.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with drug use (including cocaine) per se, as with anything, context is everything. Despite a lot of the horror stories and stigma, somebody taking a small amount of cocaine on an ad hoc basis isn't automatically going to put them on a downward spiral to destruction and as others have said, plenty of well-balanced and productive people intermittently use cocaine, ecstasy, cannabis or whatever.

That having been said, a regular pattern of cocaine use coupled with heavy boozing is not healthy or normal and can quickly develop into an extremely negative pattern. Many of my mates are bang up for the session, and the last time I saw cocaine was St Patrick's Day. If I'd a mate on the stuff every two weeks then I'd be concerned, likewise this notion of "I'd only a bit" is rubbish, chances are when the gear comes out there'll be a right go had off it. I doubt he was at home in bed for ten was he?

Using cocaine every two weeks (and even then he's probably understating his use) is not 'normal', even for people who use drugs. To be honest it probably fits into a wider and deeper problem of going on the session regularly which is something most people should have grown out of by then.

Augme

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you have concerns, then they are valid. I've posted regularly about my friend here who separated from her husband 3 years ago. He was an occasional cocaine user. Only took it on nights out, or stag nights etc. She excused it away as "he's young, he's enjoying himself, all the lads are doing it". They had children. He continued. Only he started doing it at home, on his own, all night. Using cocaine to keep himself up so that he could drink for longer.

She got to a point where she would be getting up with the children in the morning and he would be going to bed. She would be crawling around the floor checking for bags that he wasn't sure whether or not he had actually used. They hadn't a penny. They had a mortgage and hadn't made a payment in it for 2 years before she left. Sometimes she would visit her mother at dinner time just so the kids would be fed. He had exhausted all his friends for loans, and he used to have her asking her friends. She asked him to stop. He agreed to cut down/only take it on stag nights etc.

She left him 3 years ago and he is just as bad now as he was then. She ignored all her gut feelings.

Your fella might not ever get to that stage, but you have a right to say what is or isn't acceptable in a relationship with you. He has every right to decide he can do what he likes, but you have equal right to decide you're not going to stick around for that.

Your gut is telling you something. People who ignore their gut, usually end up regretting it.

This same story has happened to plenty of people who have drank alcohol. Would you recommend that people avoid partners who drink alcohol? I doubt it.


OP, A lot of my friends take/taken drugs/drink. All sorts. Went through our early 20s hitting it hard nearly every weekend and then some. For most of us it got less and less, our bodies couldn't take it. Most of us are all normal, functioning adults. I know a few who aren't, just like I know a few who aren't because of drink. Personally, I don't think these people issues were caused by coke or drink or any other drug. I think their issues lead them to coke/drink etc. But I digress.

Like the above piece, you'll get a lot of strong view points from people, funnily I'd say nearly all of them have never taken cocaine or most other drugs. But they'll be strongly anti-drug.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If it's not a habit, and if it's no big deal to him, then he shouldn't mind not taking it for the sake of your relationship and your family. If he's not happy to give it up then you know what's a bigger priority to him... And you know it's more than just occasional use.

Could you imagine the reaction if every parent in Ireland was asked to give up their alcohol. The drinks industry would collapse. But obviously, they would have no issues about giving it up if asked because "if it's no big deal to him, then he shouldn't mind not taking it for the sake of your relationship and your family.If he's not happy to give it up then you know what's a bigger priority to him... And you know it's more than just occasional use".

Big Bag of Chips

Augme, you have a wonderful knack of selectively quoting posts and then arguing a point that was never made to begin with!

I would never date a smoker. I have never dated a smoker. It's a personal preference. Same way as I wouldn't go out with a cocaine user, occasional or otherwise. Again, personal preference. And knowing what I know now, if I had my time over, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a heavy drinker/someone who enjoys the craic of the pub a lot more than I do. Again, personal preference that I feel just leads to an incompatibility.

Some people can control their alcohol consumption. And wouldn't be bothered if they couldn't drink. Some people can control their drug consumption and wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't available. Some people can't. I would advise anyone to avoid anyone who can't control their consumption. It is unclear from the OP which category her bf falls in to.

OP, you asked for advice. My advice is to be aware of what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship. Smoking might be fine for a huge percentage of the population. It's not ok for me. I don't expect everyone to live by my preferences. So no danger of the tobacco industry collapsing! Luckily, in personal relationships, we are allowed to have our own personal preferences! Your boyfriend is suggesting moving in together, and buying a house. My advice is ask him to start saving (not in a joint account) and see over the course of a year or two how serious he is about saving. If he is a rare cocaine user, and occasional drinker and manages to save a hefty chunk for a deposit, then you can decide if it's something you're willing to tolerate. If over the course of a year or two you notice heavy drinking, more than occasional drug use, and very little being saved, then you can decide if THAT'S something you're willing to tolerate.

Surely before moving in together, buying a property and building a family together it is worth spending a bit of time figuring out if you are actually compatible with the person. Instead of jumping in feet first and finding out when it's too late that there's a lot (that was present from the start) that you're not happy with.

Augme

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, you asked for advice. My advice is to be aware of what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship. Smoking might be fine for a huge percentage of the population. It's not ok for me. I don't expect everyone to live by my preferences. So no danger of the tobacco industry collapsing! Luckily, in personal relationships, we are allowed to have our own personal preferences! Your boyfriend is suggesting moving in together, and buying a house. My advice is ask him to start saving (not in a joint account) and see over the course of a year or two how serious he is about saving. If he is a rare cocaine user, and occasional drinker and manages to save a hefty chunk for a deposit, then you can decide if it's something you're willing to tolerate. If over the course of a year or two you notice heavy drinking, more than occasional drug use, and very little being saved, then you can decide if THAT'S something you're willing to tolerate.

Surely before moving in together, buying a property and building a family together it is worth spending a bit of time figuring out if you are actually compatible with the person. Instead of jumping in feet first and finding out when it's too late that there's a lot (that was present from the start) that you're not happy with.

And this is much better and far more sensible advice than automatically bringing up the worst case scenario. People should do this with any partner, even if they take drugs or not. Blindly going into a serious commitment with anyone, even tea-totaleers is a big risk.

Jurgen Klopp

elsa21 wrote: »

Cocaine! For god's sake, how can people be so chilled about this. It's a dangerous, addictive drug. I wouldn't be seen dead with someone using it. I'm sorry Op. But heavy drinking and using coke... You need to get out of there before its too late.

This is boards, it's cool we are all tolerant about everything and anything. So what if my man is snorting half of Columbia while we have kids and a mortgage I mean it's not like he'd die from a heart attack or overdose and leave me alone the mortgage and the kids, each to their own

I'm sorry but in a PI advice way you'd want to be severely touched in the head to be with a man or woman at that ****

arayess

a lot of nonsense in this thread .

Aside from the legal aspect, there is no danger to the child of him coming home from a night out having taken a few lines with a few pints.
Cocaine doesn't turn you into a monster or make you dangerous to your loved ones unless the person is like that anyway.

The worst it can do in terms of behaviour is make some talk utter sh1te and try maintain 3 conversations at once.
of course, there are exceptions but if he hasn't displayed this traits before it's unlikely it's in his nature.

As for addiction , I have known 2 people who ended up with a cocaine issue.
one did rehab, the other sorted themselves out themselves.
The trait I noticed is those 2 also drank a lot so I suspect there needed an escape be it drugs/ booze or internet porn...they were going to find a crutch any crutch...., people I know with interests , hobbies may enjoy drugs but only dip in and out of that lifestyle .

Of course by all means if you aren't comfortable , tell him .
Make up your own mind but I will caution you to consider some of the views here hysterical as most people use drugs including cocaine occasionally with no impact to their lives or relationships living very fulfilling lives.