afraid of intimacy with partner

kettlechip

With partner 15 years. 3 kids. He's hardworking, very attractive, a great father. I love him very much, but as horrifically clichéd as it is to say this, I'm not in love with him. The relationship really suffered starting about 10 years ago (I recognise that this coincided with having our first child). We both have fulltime jobs, our kids are relatively young (though not babies), and all in all life is quite hectic. Like most couples in our position, we have not had a lot of time for our own relationship. Increasingly however, we are getting this time back (based on the kids' age, the fact that we're all sleeping better, and the fact that the kids are very easy to leave with a babysitter these days). My partner wants to improve our relationship - he requests intimacy, time away, nights out, sex ... all perfectly reasonable and I've tried very hard to go along with these expectations and requests. At this point though, I'm getting increasingly upset and in dread of the thoughts of being alone with him if there is likely to be any pressure for intimacy or sex. This issue ... my issue, I accept ... is not due to hormonal issues. I've had my hormones levels checked by a GP and I do desire sex. In addition I've been to counselling in an effort to address my distance towards him/the relationship. The counselling didn't really do much for me, but I think I can't be counselled into loving someone romantically and intimately, if these feelings are absent.
My partner does not deserve to be hurt by my acknowledging that while I love him deeply, it's as though there's something deeply ingrained in me at this point that cannot deliver on an intimate relationship with him - my body shrinks from his touch, I don't even wish to be hugged, never mind kissed. But I don't know how to "put up" with sex, while crying afterwards, or living in dread of him instigating intimacy. I want him to enjoy his life, and to experience love and intimacy. I would like to experience this also. I really don't think we can achieve this with each other.

Airyfairy12

Whats stopping you from leaving? marriages break up all the time, it's difficult and will cause stress and huge change for the whole family but sometimes these things are inevitable, you cant help how you feel and it's unfair to keep him in this one sided marriage. The longer you stay the worse its going to get. If you end it now you can do so on civil terms.

Mesopotamia

Maybe you should have an open relationship.

kettlechip

Mesopotamia wrote: »

Maybe you should have an open relationship.

I have brought this up actually. He does not want an open relationship. I think he imagines such an arrangement would further undermine our own relationship and could instigate intimacy and/or emotional connections with a third party. I'm the person who would be open to this i think. But either both parties agree to an open relationship or it's a non-runner.

kettlechip

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Whats stopping you from leaving? marriages break up all the time, it's difficult and will cause stress and huge change for the whole family but sometimes these things are inevitable, you cant help how you feel and it's unfair to keep him in this one sided marriage. The longer you stay the worse its going to get. If you end it now you can do so on civil terms.

I guess feelings of responsibility and guilt. There are a lot of practical considerations also. Neither of us could bear to not live with our children. I agree with you that it's unfair but I'm not 'keeping him'. He wants to make it work and I've tried to make it work but no longer feel motivated to try.

Slutmonkey57b

He's probably right. The fact you're suggesting one indicates you don't have a problem with intimacy, just not with him. An open relationship is only going to have one ending. Did your counselling indicate any reasons which might have triggered this response? Losing time for your relationship and growing apart is one thing, but surely would lead to you also not loving him anymore?

strandroad

Would you try couple counselling as a last resort?

If not, it seems that what you had is gone and an amicable split would be a natural consequence of it. If you continue forcing yourself or bring any third parties in it's only going to make the eventual divorce horrible...

Dr Crayfish

kettlechip wrote: »

I have brought this up actually. He does not want an open relationship. I think he imagines such an arrangement would further undermine our own relationship and could instigate intimacy and/or emotional connections with a third party. I'm the person who would be open to this i think. But either both parties agree to an open relationship or it's a non-runner.

How would that work? You'd have sex with other men, while he'd still want to have sex with you? I'm sure you as a woman could easily find men for casual sex but it could take him a long time to find similar!
That's just kicking the can down the road anyway. It sounds like he's done all he can, so you need to split up, it really sounds like he's making your skin crawl.

kettlechip

He refuses to go to counselling... I've suggested it.
I wouldn't say he 'makes my skin crawl' as I believe that phrase has an element of aversion that I don't feel. I love him deeply as a life companion and coparent but don't feel any connection on which I feel a functioning intimate and sexual relationship should be based.

professore

kettlechip wrote: »

He refuses to go to counselling... I've suggested it.
I wouldn't say he 'makes my skin crawl' as I believe that phrase has an element of aversion that I don't feel. I love him deeply as a life companion and coparent but don't feel any connection on which I feel a functioning intimate and sexual relationship should be based.

You "love" him for the stable secure life he offers you and your kids. That's not love. You should divorce him. He is living in the vain hope that somehow you will change and get your desire back but that will never happen.

Maybe be honest with him and come to some amicable arrangement where he gets access to the kids and is not bankrupted in the process. Then go find the man that lights your fire. Be aware that fires have a habit of burning you badly.

peckerhead

What changed exactly, OP? I mean, many relationships falter or fail, "love dies", etc. Yet from what you say, the emotional bond is still strong ("I love him deeply as a life companion and coparent", etc.). You just no longer want any sexual intimacy, with him specifically. Or was that always the case? You say "I can't be counselled into loving someone romantically and intimately, if these feelings are absent". Were they there in the early years, or did you just marry him and have three kids with him because he was good husband/father material?

Ursus Horribilis

The OP refers to him as partner. They're not married. How this affects things should they split, I don't know.

Regardless, it looks like this relationship is doomed. It's an horrific scenario to be facing into, of course. Nobody wants to break up a family home unless it's absolute necessary. I can't see how they can meet somewhere in the middle though.

leggo

I'm going to go against the grain and say that this relationship isn't done yet. OP you say you still find him very attractive in your opening line, and you're not repelled by him, so I think this sounds like more of a psychological block than anything else. I think this can be overcome, especially with how you see him in other aspects aside from intimacy.

As for what this is or what the solution could be, it can be any number of things: do you feel like it's an insecurity within yourself? As in, sometimes after having children for example, women can feel unattractive as their body changes and irrational but real emotions like "I'm not the woman he fell for" can crop up, does it feel something like that? Or is it that he can't please you? Could spicing things up and trying new things be a solution?

I don't think this is done because I don't think you've got to the root of the problem yet OP. But maybe it's time to put it all on the table, no matter how hurtful some of the stuff might be for your husband to hear, and see where things stand. Then the next step will be clearer. If you're worried about hurting his feelings, look how much the situation is hurting him in general.

bp

OP can I ask if you are using contraception? The pill and coil pushed my libido down to almost nill. He got the snip, I came off them and personally things took a turn for the better.

There is clearly love there so I really hope this works out for you

professore

bp wrote: »

OP can I ask if you are using contraception? The pill and coil pushed my libido down to almost nill. He got the snip, I came off them and personally things took a turn for the better.

There is clearly love there so I really hope this works out for you

She says she desires sex just not with him. That rules out low libido.

bp

professore wrote: »

She says she desires sex just not with him. That rules out low libido.

Ah sorry. Read the thread earlier and didn't post until a few hours later.

bucketybuck

kettlechip wrote: »

He refuses to go to counselling... I've suggested it.

Can't say I blame him, sounds like he hasn't done much wrong and can't do much more, what use would counselling be to him? Him getting counselling won't change whether you find him attractive or not.

ShaShaBear

kettlechip wrote: »

I'm getting increasingly upset and in dread of the thoughts of being alone with him if there is likely to be any pressure for intimacy or sex.
My partner does not deserve to be hurt by my acknowledging that while I love him deeply, it's as though there's something deeply ingrained in me at this point that cannot deliver on an intimate relationship with him - my body shrinks from his touch, I don't even wish to be hugged, never mind kissed. But I don't know how to "put up" with sex, while crying afterwards, or living in dread of him instigating intimacy.

I'm sorry. You mention that you wouldn't say he "makes your skin crawl" but sex that makes you cry, living in dread of being with him and not even wanting to be hugged by him is not the actions of someone who simply does not want an intimate relationship. For a man you admit to be attractive, who is the father of your children and for whom you have a deep, platonic love for, this reaction seems way over the top. You say you desire sex but not with him. Are you 100% confident that if some other man approached you, that you wouldn't suddenly freeze up and recoil from him too?
I've been in relationships where the sexual aspect fizzled out, I certainly never felt dread at sex. My body never "shrank from their touch" because I was able to accept the intimacy like I would a hug from my mother or any of my close friends.
It really does sound like something else is going on here.

dense

kettlechip wrote: »

With partner 15 years. 3 kids. He's hardworking, very attractive, a great father. I love him very much, but as horrifically clichéd as it is to say this, I'm not in love with him. The relationship really suffered starting about 10 years ago (I recognise that this coincided with having our first child). We both have fulltime jobs, our kids are relatively young (though not babies), and all in all life is quite hectic. Like most couples in our position, we have not had a lot of time for our own relationship. Increasingly however, we are getting this time back (based on the kids' age, the fact that we're all sleeping better, and the fact that the kids are very easy to leave with a babysitter these days). My partner wants to improve our relationship - he requests intimacy, time away, nights out, sex ... all perfectly reasonable and I've tried very hard to go along with these expectations and requests. At this point though, I'm getting increasingly upset and in dread of the thoughts of being alone with him if there is likely to be any pressure for intimacy or sex. This issue ... my issue, I accept ... is not due to hormonal issues. I've had my hormones levels checked by a GP and I do desire sex. In addition I've been to counselling in an effort to address my distance towards him/the relationship. The counselling didn't really do much for me, but I think I can't be counselled into loving someone romantically and intimately, if these feelings are absent.
My partner does not deserve to be hurt by my acknowledging that while I love him deeply, it's as though there's something deeply ingrained in me at this point that cannot deliver on an intimate relationship with him - my body shrinks from his touch, I don't even wish to be hugged, never mind kissed. But I don't know how to "put up" with sex, while crying afterwards, or living in dread of him instigating intimacy. I want him to enjoy his life, and to experience love and intimacy. I would like to experience this also. I really don't think we can achieve this with each other.

Asking randomers on the internet for opinions isn't the path I'd be taking
If everyone tells you to split and you do and you're unhappy for years to come what will you say?
This is something for you to deal with.

You seem to genuinely have all the answer figured out already too.

Split up is the best option I can think of other than you acting out a part of being an interested partner.

Heckler

Do the guy a favour and leave him. "shrink from his touch", and "putting up" with sex ?

Actually do both of ye a favour and leave him.