So anxious about my future

LegacyUser

I am extremely anxious at the moment and I don't know what to do. I'm 32, female, living at home, never had a serious relationship and lately everything is just becoming too much for me.

I'm absolutely consumed by the possibility and likelihood (in my eyes) that I won't ever meet someone to spend my life with.

I have wanted to buy my own place for a number of years now and have been saving for a long time but it just never worked out and now house prices are higher than ever.

I don't feel like doing a lot of things anymore and I don't feel like I enjoy anything I do either, maybe for a little while but then the anxiety just comes back again.

I honestly don't know why it has come to this. Everyone around me seems to be moving on with their lives and I feel I'm being left behind. On the surface I suppose it appears that I am ok and I'm told I'm attractive etc and I imagine people are prob wondering why I'm still living at home and I don't have a boyfriend etc.

Because of never having had a serious relationship I am quite scared of getting into one so the whole online dating thing doesn't appeal to me as I just feel more comfortable in getting to know someone in an "ordinary" setting.

Of course, at the moment, I've taken 2 weeks holidays from work and I haven't anything in particular planned which only gives me more time to overthink.

I just want to be like everyone else but I don't know where to start. I don't have the confidence in myself and i fear I've left it too late to meet someone special to be honest.

For years I used to say "next year will be different" and I ended up in the same place a year later. It's so frustrating and upsetting. It's really affecting my mental state. I know it's not the be all and end all but I don't want to leave it much longer but at the same time don't have the energy to make that all important first step - whatever that is.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I must just have a really low opinion of myself or really low self confidence. I guess I would like a bit of advice.

Sorry if what I wrote is a bit disjointed but I have so many different thoughts swirling around in my head.

Airyfairy12

Are you getting out to meet people? do you live in a small town? Why not try take up some new hobbies that could increase your confidence and help you to meet new people?

Wanderer78

Would you consider counselling, I've done a lot over the last few years and it has given me a lot of clarity in my life? Best of luck with it.

December2012

Why not move out? Don't worry about saving for a house. Move out and rent with somebody or a house share.

Not for friendship, but for some personal progress that you want.

charlietheminxx

I reckon moving out is a good idea too. It'll be nerve wracking at first, but you'll manage it. Making one big change often gives us courage to make more.

I think the problem is getting stuck in a cycle of inaction, where we are too afraid to make changes and as times passes, get more frustrated that nothing has changed and then more afraid to make changes. Definitely take the first step, because at the moment you're just regretting things you haven't done.

Hobbies are also a good idea, the bonus of meeting new people is always nice. This is something I'm starting to focus on myself as life has taken me and some of my friends apart. I need some new ones so I'm forcing myself to get out there and meet new people.

Mammy2016

What you have wrote sounds like my life around 7 years ago. I too was living at home. Had'nt had a serious relationship and all my friends were married or planning to do so. I had planned on moving out and done so late august. Meanwhile I had been on a dating site and had had a few dates. I started chatting to a guy and it was nearly 2 months before we actually met in october. Fast forward 7 years I am now married to him and have a 9 month old baby. Dont get me wrong online dating can be a bit daunting but it seems to be alot more popular now. Give it a go sure what have you to loose. Good luck 😀

Tell me how

Hi OP.

I recognize a lot of what you say. I'm male, few yrs older than you and single.

Is it fair to say that you have not always felt this way?

You say things like "no interest in doing things anymore" and "don't know why it has come to this".

I would definitely consider Wanderer78's advice about counselling. It can help tease out each topic separately. No counsellor will "give" you the answers, they'll just help you explore the topic and it can take time to find one you connect with and then to work with them but it is definitely worth it.

One thing I would say, "If" and that's a hypothetical "if" you found out you were never going to meet someone, or not for say 5 yrs anyway, what type of life would you like to live while being on your own?
Accepting that it's Ok to be single is a big thing, it allows us to focus on what would truly make us happy as an individual and that is what we should pursue.
When the time comes to share that life with someone, it's being done in the right way. We are individuals first before partners and while I too am hopeful to meet someone I am mad about someday, I would rather be single and content that in a relationship and unhappy.
So I am working on trying to be content, not selfish (I hope), just content in my own skin.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I have spoken with my mother recently about this and just basically cried my heart out too and she suggested counselling but to be honest I feel like my problems are very mild in comparison to a lot of others out there. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I think you are right that I'm in a cycle of almost finding it too hard to make changes because so many years have passed with nothing happening so I'm in an even bigger rut. I'm in the same job for nearly 10 years which up until the last year I have been happy in but recently it's become monotonous and I think I'm ready for a change but that also scares the hell out of me.

The thought of sharing with strangers at this stage of my life when I've never done it before just fills me with dread. I just really want my own place.

And I'm not in a small town at all, I'm in a city so I don't really have excuses. I think I am just extremely unsure of myself when it comes to certain areas of my life.

The last poster who asked if I would be happy on my own if I knew I was never going to meet someone, I don't think I would be, I'd end up being very lonely I think and my parents are getting older now too so I worry that I won't be "married off" before they are gone. I have one brother who is married.

I think it has all just come to a head in the past few months. I'm just regretting that I didn't experience a lot of very normal things, for most people, when I was younger.

messy tessy

A lot of my friends are getting married, having babies and buying houses, and as a (terminally!) Single person it does make me think what is wrong with me?! :P

I agree with the above you need to be happy on your own before getting into a relationship with someone. Online dating is great but it isn't for everyone. Personally I'd rather meet someone in real life. Also you are only 32 - a baby yet! There isn't a certain age before which you need to have the house, the partner and everything!

Airyfairy12

You have an excuse for everything. You won't get counselling because others have it worse. You dont like your job but youre afraid to try anything else. You want to move out, but won't compromise on sharing.

Nothing will change unless you do.

Tell me how

Airyfairy12 wrote:

You have an excuse for everything. You won't get counselling because others have it worse. You dont like your job but youre afraid to try anything else. You want to move out, but won't compromise on sharing.

That's very harsh. And unhelpful.
The OP is teasing out their problems. There's no quick fix.

If it was as simple as you say then nobody would struggle with any issues.

Well done you and being so competent to not have any doubts or weaknesses.

December2012

There is no problem that is too small for counselling.

Its like personal training; generally we all know what to do (exercise more, eat less, sleep, water, etc). Some people need a little bit of extra support or guidance (weight watchers meetings, or going to a gym / class with a buddy). Some can do it on their own. Some engage a trainer who can help them achieve THEIR goals (returning to the gym, recovering from an injury, losing baby weight, starting in their 40s). Some engage a trainer when they are already fit but they have DIFFERENT goals (training for a marathon, getting ready for competition). Everybody trying with various support mechanisms in place if needed, wanting to achieve different goals, and resolving different problems.

As good as your Mam is, and its great that you spoke with her, she doesn't have the professional qualifications or the distance from you to help you the way that a proper mental health professional can.

You won't be judged for it. I assumed that it would have been recommended to you when you were prescribed medication for the anxiety? its a way to get better, and it will (like training) be difficult at first, but will ultimately (like training) make you feel better, with a sense of achievement and ready to take on your next step.

Tell me how

OP.

You could start considering counselling by saying something along these lines to your GP.

"I've been struggling for several months now with feelings of anxiety and worry about the future. I feel I'm stuck in a rut and it hasn't improved. I'd like to get some help in working though this. Can you recommend a therapist please".

IMO it's good to have your gp as point of contact for this because if it ever moves towards medication, it's best that they know your history.

Airyfairy12

Tell me how wrote: »

That's very harsh. And unhelpful.
The OP is teasing out their problems. There's no quick fix.

If it was as simple as you say then nobody would struggle with any issues.

Well done you and being so competent to not have any doubts or weaknesses.

Im not trying to be harsh, if the op doesnt take the steps to help herself then nothing will change and another 10 years will go by and she'll still be in the same situation.

Jobs OXO

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You have an excuse for everything. You won't get counselling because others have it worse. You dont like your job but youre afraid to try anything else. You want to move out, but won't compromise on sharing.

Nothing will change unless you do.

Was going to post the same thing.

DopeTech

Join POF or some online dating site. You don't even need to put up a pic. Just message the guys that you like and then send them a picture or link to FB if you actually get on. Meeting someone would make a world of difference and could change your life.

Tell me how

Airyfairy12 wrote:

Im not trying to be harsh, if the op doesnt take the steps to help herself then nothing will change and another 10 years will go by and she'll still be in the same situation.

The OP has started taking steps. She has spoken to her mum and has created a thread asking for guidance.

Do you think that those who seek counselling went to bed fine, woke up in bad form and had an appointment booked by tea time?

This is why some people struggle, they look for support and within the first ten responses there are people telling them that their full of excuses.

Airyfairy12

Tell me how wrote: »

The OP has started taking steps. She has spoken to her mum and has created a thread asking for guidance.

Do you think that those who seek counselling went to bed fine, woke up in bad form and had an appointment booked by tea time?

This is why some people struggle, they look for support and within the first ten responses there are people telling them that their full of excuses.

Im in counselling myself, I know the struggle. We all have problems.

Best thing OP can do for herself is take the steps to improve the situation.

anewme

I sit with the stop making excuses group.

As someone in a similar position (single/40's) the only answer is either to win the lotto or get up off your ass and do things yourself.

OP, you are getting overwhelmed by everything together and it's all getting in top of you.

deal with one issue at a time.

Taking 2 weeks off and sitting at home stewing is not going to help.

Better than any counselling is s group tour...I was stuck in a rut about 8 years ago and says I need out of here...so off I went to Vietnam for 3 weeks and came back a different person. So many people commented on my different attitude and confidence. If you don't want to travel that far or can't afford somewhere that far, a week on the Camino with a guided group the likes of Camino ways is better than any therapy.

Closer to home get out to a local cycling club, walking group. What you will find is that there are loads of people in the same boat.

As regards house, you can't afford one now, so list the alternatives,,stay at home and save, or move into a house share. Or whatever other options you have.

You can only change what is within your power, but taking steps towards that is empowering in itself.

Wallowing and worrying is of no benefit to anyone (it's so easy to fall into the rut). But take changes that you can live with.

I might never have a relationship now, and I will definitely never have children but I accept that and make sure I enjoy the other aspects of my life that others haven't got, a good job, no money worries great social life and excellent fitness and health.

The person who has it all does not exist.

Sometimes you have to deal with what your given but the key to remember is worry changes nothing.

cactusgal

Sir Dosser wrote: »

Join POF or some online dating site. You don't even need to put up a pic. Just message the guys that you like and then send them a picture or link to FB if you actually get on. Meeting someone would make a world of difference and could change your life.

You can't expect someone else to sweep in and change your life. I've learned that lesson from bitter experience. You've got to sort yourself out first, rather than expecting someone else to sort you out.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, counselling isn't just about crying on a sofa. You're in a bad rut and unless you can find it within yourself to make changes, you'll be in the very same place in 10 years times. A good counsellor will give you the tools to make changes in your life and move forward. You're lonely, you're bored, you're scared of making changes. Something's got to give.

worriedaboutfuture

worriedaboutfuture wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I have spoken with my mother recently about this and just basically cried my heart out too and she suggested counselling but to be honest I feel like my problems are very mild in comparison to a lot of others out there. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I think you are right that I'm in a cycle of almost finding it too hard to make changes because so many years have passed with nothing happening so I'm in an even bigger rut. I'm in the same job for nearly 10 years which up until the last year I have been happy in but recently it's become monotonous and I think I'm ready for a change but that also scares the hell out of me.

The thought of sharing with strangers at this stage of my life when I've never done it before just fills me with dread. I just really want my own place.

And I'm not in a small town at all, I'm in a city so I don't really have excuses. I think I am just extremely unsure of myself when it comes to certain areas of my life.

The last poster who asked if I would be happy on my own if I knew I was never going to meet someone, I don't think I would be, I'd end up being very lonely I think and my parents are getting older now too so I worry that I won't be "married off" before they are gone. I have one brother who is married.

I think it has all just come to a head in the past few months. I'm just regretting that I didn't experience a lot of very normal things, for most people, when I was younger.

More so than counselling you simply sound like you need a few sessions with a life coach. You can never guarantee you will meet someone have kids etc as another poster said but you need to get every other aspect sorted and create opportunities for the above. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the advice, I will try to take this on board. I'm basically just in a rut in every part of my life and it's become overwhelming and worrying and I know I need to take some kind of step, whatever it may be, to get out of the rut.

Austria!

messy tessy wrote: »

1. Online dating is great but it isn't for everyone. Personally I'd rather meet someone in real life.

2.Also you are only 32 - a baby yet! There isn't a certain age before which you need to have the house, the partner and everything!

1. Everyone would but that isn't happening for OP.

2. 32 is absolutely an adult and there is a certain age before having a baby becomes less likely. That age isn't 32, but factor in the time to meet the right person, the time to get your relationship to the stage where you can have a baby together, the harsh truth is time is not on OP's side. At all. Not to presume she wants a baby, she may not of course.

eviltwin

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You have an excuse for everything. You won't get counselling because others have it worse. You dont like your job but youre afraid to try anything else. You want to move out, but won't compromise on sharing.

Nothing will change unless you do.

Spot on. A counsellor will tell her the same thing, not as bluntly perhaps but the only person with the ability to change things is the OP.

As someone once said, nothing changes if nothing changes.

LynnGrace

I agree that you may find counselling helpful. During your two weeks off, do some research and find a counsellor. As pp has said, simply say what you have said here about knowing that you need to make changes and that you don't know where to begin.

This thread may help you in finding a counsellor. There is some very good advice in it also.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055169338

Someone mentioned travel, maybe start small, so for example, during your two weeks, take even a couple of nights away in a nice hotel for a change of scene. Use it as a bit of thinking time as well as a break away from everyday things.

Take care.

kylith

Austria! wrote: »

1. Everyone would but that isn't happening for OP.

2. 32 is absolutely an adult and there is a certain age before having a baby becomes less likely. That age isn't 32, but factor in the time to meet the right person, the time to get your relationship to the stage where you can have a baby together, the harsh truth is time is not on OP's side. At all. Not to presume she wants a baby, she may not of course.

At 32 I dumped a long time boyfriend and 3 years later I've met someone and we're planning to start a family. Time may not be on our side, but it hasn't run out yet!

OP, when I dumped aforementioned guy I discovered I had no friends. I was in a dead-end job. I decided that I could either sit and cry about how lonely and miserable I was or I could do something about it because a boyfriend, great job, and social life were not going to knock on my front door.

First off, I joined Meetup.com, now I'm hardly ever home! There are clubs for knitting, clubs for hiking, even clubs for going out and getting rascally drunk. It's a bit daunting the first time you go, but everyone there was in the same boat once and are very friendly.

Then I started internet dating; same kind of thing as Meetup at first, tbh, and I definitely kissed a few frogs, but now I'm in a great relationship and looking forward to the future.

The job's still a bit sh!T, but one step at a time!

AiryFairy might sound harsh, but is right: you can't sit around making excuses. You have to get up and make the effort if you want anything to change.

Ursus Horribilis

worriedaboutfuture wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice, I will try to take this on board. I'm basically just in a rut in every part of my life and it's become overwhelming and worrying and I know I need to take some kind of step, whatever it may be, to get out of the rut.

Whatever you choose to do, don't try to sort everything in the one go. When there are a lot of things going on that are upsetting you, it can all become a bit overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and start small.

LynnGrace

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Whatever you choose to do, don't try to sort everything in the one go. When there are a lot of things going on that are upsetting you, it can all become a bit overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and start small.

Completely agree. Things can seem overwhelming when you feel anxious, so start with one thing, however small. As I have previously suggested, take a break away from it all, even if only for a couple of nights.

Maybe take your mam with you, if that suits. But promise yourself to have a break from the anxiety and enjoy being away. Worth a try, OP.

All the best.

Wesser

Sometimes our minds can get wound up with one anxiety and the neural connections in our brains keeping running the same thoughts over and over again.

One way the break down these well worn neural paths is mindfulness.

I think you will have to.step out if your comfort zone if you want change. If you've moved at home always, never lived with others, even housemates then I think you need to gently push yourself out of you circle of comfort if you want real change.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Well, I can identify with you in lots of ways. I'll tell you my story.

In my 20s, I was always in relationships. 2 of them quite bad at the end. Abusive (in words and actions) at the end. Did a lot of damage to my self esteem. I was 30 when I moved home to my parents.

When I was around 32/33, I felt like an empty hollow. I didnt know who I was, what I stood for, what I did/didnt stand for. I felt an empty shell of a person. I had all the "I cants", "I wonts", and every excuse under the sun, for everything.

My mam regonised this in me, and for about 12 months begged and tried to reason with me to go to a councellor. In the end, I did. I've been seeing a councellor now for a few years. And its the best thing I've ever done. I used to go once a week. Now, I go twice a month.

One of the first things the councellor asked me was who I am (not what I do). And I had no words. So, I've worked hard with the councellor in "filling myself up".

By 33, I decided that I was going off travelling on my own. And I had the time of my life. It opened my eyes. It was the catalyst.

My 30s, by far, has been my best decade. I still dont have it all figure out, but I will keep trying. And cants and wonts and not ables very rarely come into my vocabulary. Im actually seen as the one who does everything!

I'll summise what Ive learned:
- I used to get very angry that "opportunities/things fell into people's laps". Until I realised that I was the one stopping myself.
- I was scared. Of people. Of life. Of failing. Of being judged. I dont now. Because, its my life. Not anyone elses.
- You cant meet anyone (well, you can-just not right ones) until you know yourself, youre happy with yourself, love yourself, value yourself and your needs.
- Things happen when they happen. Not just cause we want them to happen. Its a journey. Not a race. With others and what they are doing as your compeditors.
- I LOVE going to councelling, and figuring things out. And getting to know myself.
- You have to practice "how you want to be". Not just waiting for things to happen to you. Make them happen for yourself.
- Life and things will go up and down. That is life for everyone. Its how you get back up.
- Life doesnt always or very rarely gives you what you want. It gives you what you need. I would see you posting here as a display of this. You know youre not happy, and its up to you to discover.

It is a journey. But it is quite exciting and adventurous to get to know yourself. And empower yourself.