Friend issues

MayBee

I know that this is probably outing but sure what the hell, I'm so upset at the minute, just seen on Facebook that mu so called friends are all out on a night out, that I knew nothing about, and obviiosy was not invited to, now to be fair I probably wouldn't have been able to go as I have 4 kids under 4 and I'm not able to get out much but still I can get childcare for special occasions, but I'm so upset that 1 it was never mentioned and 2 I wasn't invited, am I over reacting???

December2012

Well that depends. How long ago was it since you went out with them? After a certain point in time, people stop asking as they assume that the person can't make it, particularly midweek if that's difficult.

As you say yourself, you wouldn't have been able to go anyway. They knew that, and its likely that is why they didn't invite you.

So, while I understand it stings a bit, I don't think they did anything wrong.

leggo

I was in a similar situation recently with a group of old mates, and what I found was that the way I reacted kinda told the story: initially I felt like confronting them half-joking like "Sound for the invite lads..." Then I realised I wouldn't have gone anyway by choice if invited because it would've been one of those situations where it had been a bit inconvenient, which would've given me an excuse because I absolutely could've gone. Then I was just left with this bad feeling and, after distilling it for a while, I realised I was just sad that a close friendship wasn't what it was and that, if I wanted them that much, I'd need to reach out and make an effort. And I'm just not that pushed with the group in general to do so (some individuals are different).

Go through the same steps yourself: if you're that close with them to expect an invite, why can't you just say something like "thanks for the invite" in a jokey/slagging way to fish for why you weren't invited? The answer to that alone will be telling.

What steps have led you guys to this point? Be brutally honest and harsh with yourself here, because pushing blame onto them means there's nothing you can do about the situation, whereas if you take responsibility where necessary then at least you can change the circumstances.

Lastly is it possible, and are you willing, to make an effort to bridge the gap here? If you are then how can you do so with your current life circumstances?

Airyfairy12

They probably knew you wouldnt be able to with your 4 kids and it being mid week. Maybe it wasnt a planned night out, it could have been spontaneous. As others have said, did you make the effort to get involved in previous get togethers?

Meauldsegosha

MayBee wrote: »

but still I can get childcare for special occasions,

Was it a special occasion or was it an impromptu after works drinks? If it was the latter then they probably knew would couldn't get out.

Ursus Horribilis

I doubt it's anything malicious. If they'd gone out and deliberately excluded you, would you be seeing the photos on Facebook?

Is there any particular reason why you're so upset over this? As in, do you get the feeling that the friendship is slipping away and that you're being forgotten about because of your family commitments?

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Was it a special occasion or was it an impromptu after works drinks? If it was the latter then they probably knew would couldn't get out.

+1 Unless the facebook post said here we are on our night out we've been planning for months for so and so's *insert important life event* chances are it wasn't planned and yeah maybe it's nice to still be asked even if you can't go they maybe thought they were being unfair asking you to last minute drinks knowing you wouldnt be able to go or maybe they just didn't think about asking anyone else as it wasn't a pre planned night out?

MayBee

Thank you everyone for the replies, nice to get some perspective, and a lot of good advice, alot to think about.
It wasn't an impromptu night out.

Ursus horriblis, I think you hit the nail on the head, yes I do feel the friendship is slipping away because of my family commitments, and i think that's why I'm so upset, I'm feeling very isolated being at home with the children, and probably a bit sensitive about things.

December2012

MayBee wrote: »

Thank you everyone for the replies, nice to get some perspective, and a lot of good advice, alot to think about.
It wasn't an impromptu night out.

Ursus horriblis, I think you hit the nail on the head, yes I do feel the friendship is slipping away because of my family commitments, and i think that's why I'm so upset, I'm feeling very isolated being at home with the children, and probably a bit sensitive about things.

That's understandable. Can you change things for yourself?

MayBee

I can't see how I can change things at the moment, my husband works extremely long hours, that combined with babies that don't sleep, and a bedtime routine that can be manic, but I do try and tell myself that children won't be young forever, I suppose I'm upset that 1 or the people who was out, I would genuinely have considered a best friend, and the harsh reality is that they obviously don't have time for me anymore, that's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm very lucky to have 2 other fantastic friends who call to me regularly as
I can't get out with the children that much.

I suppose we're at different life stages, but still I feel it wouldn't be too difficult to have this friend call to me once in a while as they would pass my door on a regular basis.

Ursus Horribilis

Do any of your friends have children?

MayBee

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do any of your friends have children?

They all do, but their children would be older, all well past baby/ toddler stage

Big Bag of Chips

MayBee wrote: »

I'm upset that 1 or the people who was out, I would genuinely have considered a best friend, and the harsh reality is that they obviously don't have time for me anymore, that's a hard pill to swallow,
I can't get out with the children that much.

I suppose we're at different life stages, but still I feel it wouldn't be too difficult to have this friend call to me once in a while as they would pass my door on a regular basis.

You see this is all dangerous territory to be getting in to. You're blaming this one friend for the loss of your friendship and not really taking into consideration that you might be playing a big part in it to. It is not her job solely to keep in touch with you. You have to make an effort. You have 4 small children. So do lots of people. They still manage to get out places. Be it days out in the park, the beach, a playground whatever. Your friend might be at a different stage than you but as you are the one with the obstacle (4 young children) its up to you to come up with ways to get around that.

I have friends with and without children. Friends with children, we'll meet in a play centre. Friends without children we'll meet in the park for a picnic where the children can toddle around and we can stuff our faces!

You said you couldn't have gone anyway, but you're still feeling hard done by and focusing on one friend. If it was a group going out, maybe she had little to do with the organising. Maybe she was just asked and agreed.

When my children were small I probably did miss out on things because I stayed at home, or thought I couldn't get out (with or without kids). But that was me just not being into the hassle of getting out with them! I see one particular friend with 5 kids and they're hardly ever at home! Facebook is full of days out in different areas either on their own or with another few parents and their children.

You might think you're busier than others, but everyone is busy. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with. Just because this friend doesn't call to you doesn't mean anything. When she's passing your door she's probably on the way to or from somewhere... Do you call to her?

You're right, your children won't be small forever. And along the way you might drift away from some friends and you might make some more. But do not blame one person, or a number of other people for your lack of availability or involvement at the moment. That's all on you, whether or it is avoidable or not.

Addle

OP, if you can't get out to see friends, do you ever invite them to yours?

Have you turned down any invitations to meet lately?

December2012

MayBee wrote: »

... i would genuinely have considered a best friend, and the harsh reality is that they obviously don't have time for me anymore, that's a hard pill to swallow, .

You have this wrong. YOU don't have time for your friend. They do have time. They went out. You weren't invited because you don't go out.

Don't blame your friends. You have a full plate, you have your life.

Why would they call in unless invited? If I have time away from my kids I don't want to go to a chaotic kid household.

You're blaming them for your life. Are they supposed to stay at home and not see each other because you can't?

I can tell you're lonely but only you have the power to change that.

MayBee

December2012 wrote: »

You have this wrong. YOU don't have time for your friend. They do have time. They went out. You weren't invited because you don't go out.

Don't blame your friends. You have a full plate, you have your life.

Why would they call in unless invited? If I have time away from my kids I don't want to go to a chaotic kid household.

You're blaming them for your life. Are they supposed to stay at home and not see each other because you can't?

I can tell you're lonely but only you have the power to change that.

Just a few points on this, I do invite them, but it never seems to happen, as you just said obviously people don't want to spend their free time in a house which screaming kids, so not much I can do about that.
I do go out just not that often, and no I don't think they should stay at home just cos I can't go out.

MayBee

Addle wrote: »

OP, if you can't get out to see friends, do you ever invite them to yours?

Have you turned down any invitations to meet lately?

Yes I do invite them, I always say call for a coffee etc, but as it's been pointed out to me, people are busy with their own lives and don't seem able to spare a half an hour for a quick cuppa.

Big Bag of Chips

"Call for coffee" is like saying "we should meet up more often". It never happens. It's too loose an arrangement. You need to make a definite arrangement. Sometimes something will come up and people might have to cancel, but if you try make a more definite arrangement people are more likely to actually do it.

Addle

Agree.
Give them a day and a time if you really want them to visit

sullivlo

Addle wrote: »

Agree.
Give them a day and a time if you really want them to visit

+1.

"I got a new coffee machine I want to try/a new recipe to try/etc - Would you like to come by on Saturday, around 3?"

I'm a disaster for "let's do lunch" or "yeah I'll call for coffee" so I need times and dates and then I'll remember/make it happen.

And be honest with your friend/friends. Tell them you're in need of company that you're not related to. Tell them you need a bit of grown up talk. They're not mind readers, no more than you are.

December2012

MayBee wrote: »

Just a few points on this, I do invite them, but it never seems to happen, as you just said obviously people don't want to spend their free time in a house which screaming kids, so not much I can do about that..

What you can do is invite them over for a specific time, when your kids are in bed?

"Id love to see you, would you like to come over on Friday at 9 for some wine / coffee / take away and a catch up? Cheap night in and we can have a laugh?"

MayBee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

"Call for coffee" is like saying "we should meet up more often". It never happens. It's too loose an arrangement. You need to make a definite arrangement. Sometimes something will come up and people might have to cancel, but if you try make a more definite arrangement people are more likely to actually do it.

You're absolutely right, I suppose I do realise how busy people are and I don't want to feel like I'm putting them under pressure to call, so I suggest a coffee as a loose arrangement, as in you're free this afternoon, give me a call I'm here.
Will definitely take your advice and suggest a more definite arrangement.

MayBee

December2012 wrote: »

What you can do is invite them over for a specific time, when your kids are in bed?

"Id love to see you, would you like to come over on Friday at 9 for some wine / coffee / take away and a catch up? Cheap night in and we can have a laugh?"

Yes will definitely do this. Thank you.

MayBee

Thank you everyone, you have made me realise I have to be more assertive so to speak and make definite arrangements, rather than hoping that my friends may call, I suppose my confidence is not as it was and I don't want to feel like I'm putting someone out, thanks again.

Big Bag of Chips

MayBee wrote: »

I don't want to feel like I'm putting someone out, thanks again.

You'll find a lot of people think like that. People tend not to just drop in somewhere now for a cup of tea, especially if they think it's a busy house. They think they might be imposing. But if you arrange something, a proper night, with a proper day and time, you'll find people are usually happy to come along.

Good luck, the early years are tough. For everyone!

AidanadiA

This happen's, being a parent and having responsibilities that your friends don't have or understand. Instead of feeling guilty cause you cant go, it becomes normal that your not there. They aren't doing it on purpose.

This is from personal experience, my friends without kids all go out without planning it before hand, I used to get the call or message asking if I wanted to go and usually I'd say no because I can't get a babysitter that fast, or can't afford to have a babysitter and go out. Eventually I stopped getting the calls but I'd see the Facebook pictures. So I confronted them and have a guess what... they didn't know why I was so angry. I got the following remarks-

"But you never come out"
"We figured you'd say no"
"I don't think of you as a drinking/going out person, so I didn't think to ask you"

Don't blame other people or point the finger because it doesn't fix how you're feeling. Talk to your friends, tell them you still want to be included.
I pick a weekend a month that I can go out and I go out with my friends, if its just to hang at their house or if its to go dancing or the movies.

You have to make the effort.

You have to be available.