Arguments over no time to see each other.

LegacyUser

Basics - going out with girlfriend over a year now, mid 20s, live within 30 mins of each other, both live with family, both working (big difference in hours)

Right, where to start. Been having lots of arguments over time and seeing my girlfriend regularly. The issue basically is time and not seeing each other. I work handy enough hours, off by 3.30 every day, she's working 2 jobs (50 hours a week).

She finds it hard to accomodate everything, work, 3 sets of friends, family, me. I do my best to work around it, I think seeing each other twice a week or so is reasonable, I'm happy to go out of my way, travel, for this. Recently, we've been planning to see each other, lots of the plans are falling through, rearranged to never, cancelled to see friends. Fair enough, you might say, yeah. I tend to get crabby when I'm cancelled on last minute to see friends she hasn't seen for ages. I feel bad about this, I don't wanna be the bad guy by stopping her see friends, I never would, I just want to see her. I'd never stop her from this. I just don't take been let down last minute after being excited for days, and dont deal with this well, I go quiet, distant, and then annoyed. (Ive also good bit of holidays over summer, so maybe my boredom is making me extra tetchy)

Anyway, we argue over this (mainly by text - another story), we then don't see each other for longer, things fester, and a few times now she's basically said the only option she can think of is to end it. Now this hasn't happened, things go back to normal then when we see each other, life is great when we're together, but its happening more and more times, and its lots of hassle. I can just about deal with any stress, I dont know if she does, I really dont wanna end it, but I feel like i'm doing everything I can to help things, I'll go out of my way, etc. Like I'm happy to go and do something for an hour after work and all of that, I never expect me to get all her time.

Is it reasonable of me to want to see my girlfriend twice a week? Honestly, I think it isn't but I don't know, maybe I'm coming across needy?
What else can I do to help? I know it stresses her but how can I put across that I want to see her regularly without making her feel she cant see friends/family, and stressing her out?
Or am I just being too tetchy and reacting badly? Am I just childish getting thick about being cancelled on?

Appreciate all opinions, honestly, if I'm doing wrong or coming across badly, I'd rather know.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you're being needy or unreasonable at all. In fact, I think you've been more than patient. Going by the way your girlfriend's behaving, I can't help but wonder does she see you as something of an accessory rather than an integral part of her life. A relationship shouldn't be this hard and you shouldn't have to be battling for her attention. Two things stand out for me. The first being that after making plans with you, she'll drop you for her friends. Why can't she meet them another time or bring you along?
The second is her comment about ending things. Both of these make me think she's not all that invested in this relationship. I'm sure she likes you well enough but you're not important enough in her life.

I think you should end it because this is going nowhere. I wonder will she even miss you when you're gone, such is her hectic life? On the off-chance it's a wake-up call for her, it might improve things for you. It's not looking good though.

Esse85

Sounds like she wants out, she's making little effort with the relationship from what you've said, she doesn't sound all that interested. A year invested at this stage and this is the scenario.

You say you don't want it to end but why do you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't place much importance on spending time with you? They don't value your time or company enough.

Your requests sound more than reasonable and accommodating from what you've described. I'd be leaving this relationship off and finding someone who's setup to be in relationship, physically and mentally.

leggo

After a year, your lives should be merging somewhat into one. Not that you don't have individual lives, that's always important, but you start to do things as a couple and make plans as such because it's the time when you've done everything (birthdays, Valentines, Christmas etc) once and you should have decided if it's something you want to pursue.

The fact that she's pushing away from this isn't a good sign at all. You're not a priority, in fact you get dropped at a moment's notice if she gets a better offer. In truth, it shouldn't be a question of if she should keep plans with you, she should want to and the idea of cancelling should abhor her (unless it's a crazy circumstance like her best friend came home from Oz to surprise her or something extreme like that). The fact she does that regularly is very telling: it's as if you're the best option only when she doesn't have anything else.

I'm sure her life is busy and she has legitimate excuses, and I'm not saying she's wrong per se, it's just that in that case she doesn't have time to give to a relationship. Because you're not wrong for feeling like you do and she simply can't/won't take consideration of what you want out of a relationship. And the sad/hurtful part that I hate to say, but you know in your heart, is that if she was that fussed she'd make time. It's just not working. Sorry dude, you know what you need to do.

December2012

Can you combine some of those things, so that you get to see her AND her friends / family?

nikkibikki

Cancelling on someone to see someone else is just rude full stop. If she did it to her friends, they'd be pissed off. You're not being unreasonable at all. She needs to prioritise you and your relationship a bit more in order for this to survive.

Oink

Not looking good OP.
Sounds like she doesn't have enough space for you in her life. Seems to me she would make space if she really wanted to.

And this last minute cancelling... it happens from time to time, but if it's a regular thing, it's either a sign or it's rude.

bilbot79

You think twice a week is sufficient for the female of the species?

Lot to learn.

She might be pining to move in together more than ending it.

timetimetime

timetimetime wrote: »

we argue over this (mainly by text - another story), we then don't see each other for longer, things fester

This screams "communication issues" also. People are in long distance relationships and see each other once a month but are happy because the talk regularly.

kylith

OP I think you need to sit down with her and verbalise calmly exactly how you're feeling about this. Not 'You never have time for me', but more 'It upsets me when you cancel our plans to see your friends because it makes me feel unimportant to you'. Talk calmly and rationally about what the problem is, how you feel about it, and what a solution might be. It may be that the relationship has run its course, and you need to be prepared for that eventuality too.

redfox123

Sorry OP but she wants out. Yes if she has nothing else to do she may have you coming over, but that's all it is. Trust me I've been through it. Yes things are great when together, because you're so nice to her and are pushing the relationship and why wouldn't she like having to do nothing when she has such an attentive boyfriend. Guaranteed she wants to end it and will use you being upset about her not giving a sh*t as the reason, and also guaranteed she will turn around and give you all the excuses under the sun and say she'll change and things will get better when you say you're out and it's over. Please please end it, I wish I had before my ex blamed me for being a little upset over his total lack of effort and then ended it.

Passtheremote

I think she see's you as appendage to her. She doesn't seem to make time with you any kind of priority. My experience is that when a girl likes you she is like a heat seeker missile for your time - you know it, you feel it!

I dunno maybe she just takes you for granted as she knows you're more into her than she is into you. And once you make an issue of it, your toast by the way, she'll just make out your needy. She probably needs to go a few rounds with a few guys that treat her like siht to appreciate you.