Unplanned pregnancy

LegacyUser

Hi all

I've just found out today that I am pregnant.
Head is all over the place...
I'm not in a relationship with the father. He will not be involved and I don't wish to discuss that part any further here.

I have to now decide what I am going to do.
I am pro-choice but never thought I would be able to go through with an abortion myself.

I currently rent out a room in my house but I doubt my housemate will want to hang around when she realises there will be a newborn in the house keeping her awake at night.

So I am likely going to be paying full rent and bills and doing this entirely alone.

I have no clue about what, if any, benefits I may be entitled to.
I work full time and earn around 35k per year. So based on my google search, I will not be entitled to lone parents allowance.

I imagine that childcare costs would take up most of my monthly salary but I wouldn't want to give up work and live off benefits.

I have no family or anyone that could mind a child for me.

I don't know what to do, I feel sick.

I'm not really sure of the point of this post, just some advice really I guess - especially from those that have been in a similar situation.

January

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, crisis pregnancies are no walk in the park I can attest to that. You can contact the crisis pregnancy agencies, the Well Woman Centre, IFPA and Marie Stopes are some of the unbiased ones you could contact, a lot of the others have anti-choice agendas.

The abortion support network are great if you do decide you want to have an abortion - https://www.facebook.com/AbortionSupportNetwork/ (if you're travelling then they can try to help you find someone to stay with if accommodation will be a problem for you).

If you decide you want to carry on with the pregnancy then there are some great pregnancy and parenting support groups on FB that give helpful non-judgemental advice, if you would like to join them please PM me and I can link you to them.

I have been where you have so if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask (not a single parent though but have had a crisis pregnancy).

Loveinapril

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is certainly life changing. Noone here can guide you on what to do as we don't know your situation.
Contact Positive Options as soon as possible to talk through your concerns.
http://www.positiveoptions.ie

eviltwin

I've been where you are and would also suggest impartial pregnancy counselling. There is a lot to get your head around and a lot to consider. Only you can make the call as to what your decision should be. Best of luck whatever you decide x

nikpmup

Loveinapril wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is certainly life changing. Noone here can guide you on what to do as we don't know your situation.
Contact Positive Options as soon as possible to talk through your concerns.
http://www.positiveoptions.ie

Just to note, positive options tend to supply details for pro-life groups, it's something to be aware of

moleary20

OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. Its isolating and so so tough.

Please remember that you and only you know what's best for you. I am currently 8 months pregnant and completely unplanned. The only difference being I'm in a relationship. We don't own a house, have no savings and our relationship can be extremely rocky.

I have suffered with bad ante natal depression, suicidal thoughts etc and have spent considerable funds on counselling. I found professional counselling much better than crisis pregnancy agencies but it's much more expensive.

I kept my baby because my partner wanted it but on dark days I still question if it was the right thing to do. Pregnancy has been the scariest thing I've ever hone through because at the back of my mind is the thought that I never wanted this.

I think it's the path of least regret thats the one you should follow but just make sure you are fully informed. And how you will know that I don't know, go with your gut I suppose.

Thinking of you.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

I'm pretty sure I will not be terminating the pregnancy.

What do I do next? Do I need to call a doctor?
2 clear blue tests are positive (2-3 weeks) so I don't need confirmation.
I just wondered, do I need to let my doctor know?
Who arranges the scans and things once you're at 12 weeks?

Gosh I really know nothing...

Loveinapril

nikpmup wrote: »

Just to note, positive options tend to supply details for pro-life groups, it's something to be aware of

Oh really? I didn't know that. I thought they were impartial. Thanks for letting me know.

moleary20

Loveinapril wrote: »

Oh really? I didn't know that. I thought they were impartial. Thanks for letting me know.

I think positive options are pro choice? I went to Cura and they are pro life orientated but I'm almost certain positive options are different.

January

Gone Anon - Advice Please wrote: »

Thanks all.

I'm pretty sure I will not be terminating the pregnancy.

What do I do next? Do I need to call a doctor?
2 clear blue tests are positive (2-3 weeks) so I don't need confirmation.
I just wondered, do I need to let my doctor know?
Who arranges the scans and things once you're at 12 weeks?

Gosh I really know nothing...

Depending on the part of the country you are in then a doctor might have to refer you to the maternity unit/hospital closest to you. In Dublin you can self refer to any of the three hospitals so if you're there just give any of them a ring and they will book you in to be seen based on the start date of your last period.

Good luck OP, wish you a happy healthy pregnancy.

moleary20

Gone Anon - Advice Please wrote: »

Thanks all.

I'm pretty sure I will not be terminating the pregnancy.

What do I do next? Do I need to call a doctor?
2 clear blue tests are positive (2-3 weeks) so I don't need confirmation.
I just wondered, do I need to let my doctor know?
Who arranges the scans and things once you're at 12 weeks?

Gosh I really know nothing...

Don't worry, we all know nothing. Join the thread here of the month you are due. I learned so much from that and it makes you feel like you are part of something if you don't have many people to talk to about baby stuff.

Toots

It could be no harm to let your GP know, and also mention that the pregnancy is a shock so that they can help keep an eye on your mental health. You don't have to go to the doctor though.

There's an option called "shared care" which is where you split your appointments between the GP and the hospital. This can be handy if the hospital is far away and your GP is closer.

catrionanic

Gone Anon - Advice Please wrote: »

Thanks all.

I'm pretty sure I will not be terminating the pregnancy.

What do I do next? Do I need to call a doctor?
2 clear blue tests are positive (2-3 weeks) so I don't need confirmation.
I just wondered, do I need to let my doctor know?
Who arranges the scans and things once you're at 12 weeks?

Gosh I really know nothing...

It's good to hear that you have an idea of what's going to be best for you. As many as 50% of pregnancies in Ireland are unplanned, so you're not alone here at all. It can be a long and tough nine months, and motherhood isn't always a walk in the park, but I'm sure you'll fall so head over heels in love with your little person that all that you're going through right now will be worth it.

On a practical note, yes you should go to your GP. Either the GP will refer you to the hospital of your choice, or you can self-refer in Dublin. Don't get too bogged down in hospital choice, public/private etc. It's usually best for most women to go to their nearest hospital unless there's a specific reason not to. While I can't speak for every hospital, I had a baby in Holles St earlier this year, as a public patient, and honestly couldn't fault my care at all. It didnt cost us a penny.

Once the hospital receives your details, they usually contact you regarding a scan.

There's so much support to be found online. I relied heavily on the help of people I've never even met. So have a look around.

Big hugs.

nikpmup

Loveinapril wrote: »

Oh really? I didn't know that. I thought they were impartial. Thanks for letting me know.

If you text their free number, about 3 of the 5 support agencies details they reply with are prolife groups.

judeboy101

35k sounds like you are in a half decent job. See what your employer is like for maternity leave (do they offer pay or just sw). Look into possibility of moving to cheaper part of town/further out. Can family help?

LegacyUser

judeboy101 wrote: »

35k sounds like you are in a half decent job. See what your employer is like for maternity leave (do they offer pay or just sw). Look into possibility of moving to cheaper part of town/further out. Can family help?

My employer offers full pay for 3 months and half for the next 3.
However maternity pay isn't my worry, it's what happens after that.

I was looking online and childcare starts at €1000 per month! I can't afford that. Not when paying full rent and bills also. I worked out that I'd be left with €400 per month.
I don't understand how people do it?

I have no family in Ireland, I am completely alone. I have great friends but no one that can help with childcare.
The Father is aware of the situation and wants to pay (and come with me) for a termination.

He is older than me with 2 children from a previous marriage and doesn't feel he can do it again which is fair enough. He's seeing his doctor next week about a vasectomy.

judeboy101

Gone Anon - Advice Please wrote: »

My employer offers full pay for 3 months and half for the next 3.
However maternity pay isn't my worry, it's what happens after that.

I was looking online and childcare starts at €1000 per month! I can't afford that. Not when paying full rent and bills also. I worked out that I'd be left with €400 per month.
I don't understand how people do it?

I have no family in Ireland, I am completely alone. I have great friends but no one that can help with childcare.
The Father is aware of the situation and wants to pay (and come with me) for a termination.

He is older than me with 2 children from a previous marriage and doesn't feel he can do it again which is fair enough. He's seeing his doctor next week about a vasectomy.

If he is paying for upkeep of previous kids, he will pay for yours. Why creche?, you can get child minders in dub for ~800 easily. It comes down to the crunch that if your heart wants to keep it, you'll survive don't treat it like an income expenditure exercise. If however your heart screams I'm not ready for this, then head to England but imho, if you pick this option wash your hands of the fella and don't take his guilt money.

tracey turnblad

Regardless of him wanting to pay he has to pay for you child. Maybe could you work part time and receive some lone parents and/or FIS this would also cut down on the amount of childcare you would have to pay out. If you are in Dublin there are community creches( I'm not sure about the rest of the country) these are crèches at a reduced rate, you could ask your phn about this. Best of luck.. I had my first at 19 and while he wasn't planned I don't regret it for a minute. He's 20 now!

December2012

Yes crèche is expensive. It's about €1000 per month. The man involved should be paying maintenance for the child, but you still want to have yourself in the best position if that dies t work out.

You will qualify for children's allowance, you may also qualify for additional allowances, you could speak with a Community Welfare Officer and find out what you are entitled to.

I would not be so sure that you couldn't rent out your room. Maybe another single mother would like to rent it if your current licensee doesn't?

You can talk to your bank about restructuring your mortgage if you want to save and build up a contingency fund.

neonsofa

tracey turnblad wrote: »

Regardless of him wanting to pay he has to pay for you child. Maybe could you work part time and receive some lone parents and/or FIS this would also cut down on the amount of childcare you would have to pay out. If you are in Dublin there are community creches( I'm not sure about the rest of the country) these are crèches at a reduced rate, you could ask your phn about this. Best of luck.. I had my first at 19 and while he wasn't planned I don't regret it for a minute. He's 20 now!

While legally a father has an obligation to pay towards their child, not all do. Even if he is supporting previous children, he may be of the opinion that he offered money for termination and made his wishes known so he does not have to pay. He also has less money to give as he is supporting his other children. Not at all saying this thinking would be correct or justified just saying he may not willingly support her financially. From experience, if the father doesn't want to pay then there are many ways around it even if it goes to court and sometimes the amount ordered is nominal- 20 a week or something- which isn't much if op is finding things tough. And moreso if it is deducted as means for benefits.

This isn't me trying to be doom and gloom, just advising op to try figure things out in terms of what she can control- work, benefits etc- and not to count on assistance from the father, that way she is not in a situation where she is depending upon him or left short if he decides not to pay. Absolutely do seek maintenance though, just don't factor it in to budgeting would be my advice.