Social anxiety, life slipping past.

Shoebox1926

Hi everyone, so basically ive had sever social anxiety for many years, to the point were I was very socially awkward, stuttered when speaking, froze on the spot when near anyone and would constantly shake, I notice people roll their eyes and treat me with contempt because I come across so socially awkward.
Walking into a shop was like walking into a lions den. I couldnt cope. Although im now able to go into shops and walk through town, as a result of this anxiety im almost 30 and have no friends at all and havnt held down a job for more than two months.
I tried volunteer work but the people who worked there would put me in really uncomfortable situations like standing on the street collecting money 4 hours a day, this was excruciating for me, the role was advertised as office work but once I started I was pushed into doing things that I found very hard and exasperated my anxiety, im not assertive and felt bullied and pressured by the volunteer agency into doing things I didnt want to, while working in this position for the previously agreed number of 8 hours a week they were also calling and texting me everyday for months demanding I take part in sports days, bag packing, flag selling, money collections ect. When I told them I couldnt they would demand explanations. They called shortly after my grandad died asking me to partake in some event, when I explained my grandad passed and I wouldnt be able too they were really pushy and wouldnt take no for an answer. I left the volunteer position and had to change my number as they were relentless, I was getting text messages asking why I hadnt contacted them to volunteer for various positions and to tell them the reason. So I dont feel comfortable volunteering again. I think because im very quiet and seem like such a push over people treat me as such.
Im determined to beat this and have been in therapy for over a year, its not really helping my social anxiety but it is helping with depression and giving me somewhere to get things off my chest. Im focusing on positive thinking, I meditate, I listen to hypnosis and positive affirmation videos every night, I keep a journal, I eat well and exercise, I read self help books, I was on medication for 2 years but they didnt help and thats not a road I want to go down again.
When I think im getting better as soon as im around people, including extended family I freeze, shake, cant speak and need to leave the room until theyre gone. I was hoping to try exposure therapy, like taking a yoga, tai chi, meditation or an exercise class but they're all held a good way outside the town and take place late in the evenings, I dont drive so attending these classes isnt possible. I looked into adult drama classes but theres none here, there are some taking place in another town near me but theyre on late in the evening and cost nearly 400 euro for 12 weeks so its not possible for me to attend these either.
Im at my wits end. I feel like ive been trying for years to move past this mental illness and have a some what normal life but nothing I do works. Im afraid my life is slipping past me and I will never overcome this.
Has anyone gone through this? I feel very alone.

zoobizoo

Have a search through previous posts on social anxiety.

Plenty of Good advice.

Have a read of The Feeling Good Handbook..... Practical advice in there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - first of all, sorry that you are going through this. I've got a lot of experience with this issue - somebody very close to me has social anxiety and we have been through the ringer with it. I appreciate how debilitating it is.

I will probably be lambasted for this, but I would say not to be so quick to write off going down a medical route. The yoga, mindfulness and CBT are great, and you definitely should do that, but for some people it just isn't enough.

My partner started on meds. They hated them and came off, trying to manage it all without. After 5 very very very tough years we decided to try give medication another go and they have been working with a GP they trust very much, who has been doing a lot of research into the type of medication that best suits them. It is still trial and error and just as recently as a month ago they have agreed on another change.

For my partner, the main thing he struggled with was accepting that this was a part of who he was and that it was as legitimate a medical condition as, say, diabetes or a broken leg.

I would also say to you that neither the medication nor CBT, mindfulness or meditation will make your social anxiety go away. It will always be there, but they can help to manage it.

I'm not saying that you must take medication to feel better, but I do think that some cases are more severe than others. In the case of my partner, his anxiety was so severe that he would never have successfully gotten on top of it without medication.

I really hope you get things sorted out - I know how it feels (as much as one in my position can)

Shoebox1926

Hi Iunderstand

Thanks for replying, your partners really lucky to have somebody whose so supportive.
I was tempted to go back on meds but what put me off was the doctors, I changed GP's and still had the same problems. The doctors wearnt listening to me, when I said a medication wasnt working and giving me side effects they essentially told me I was wrong and such side effects dont exist with that medication, despite the box stating that it was a side effect, when I suggested being weaned off the tablets they ignored me so I had to stop myself cold turkey. The withdrawals were awful and my anxiety and depression came back x10. Medication will be a last resort for me, i'd like to try other options first.

LegacyUser

Shoebox1926 wrote: »

Hi Iunderstand

Thanks for replying, your partners really lucky to have somebody whose so supportive.
I was tempted to go back on meds but what put me off was the doctors, I changed GP's and still had the same problems. The doctors wearnt listening to me, when I said a medication wasnt working and giving me side effects they essentially told me I was wrong and such side effects dont exist with that medication, despite the box stating that it was a side effect, when I suggested being weaned off the tablets they ignored me so I had to stop myself cold turkey. The withdrawals were awful and my anxiety and depression came back x10. Medication will be a last resort for me, i'd like to try other options first.

That's totally fine, you are right to try other options.

I would say to you: accept that this is part of who you are - it is part of your personality, your makeup as a person. Don't apologise for who you are. If you have social anxiety, you don't have to make yourself a hermit, and you shouldn't as that won't solve anything. But do get to know and understand situations/jobs that you are not comfortable in/that give you a high level of anxiety and avoid what you can. I know some people will tell you that you can't go through life avoiding things etc, and to a degree you can't. But, at the same time, you have to enjoy your life as best you can.

Also, know that everybody has something that they are afraid of. Unfortunately for you and my partner, social anxiety is a tough one because it rears its head in most scenarios, but you are not the only person who fears something. I'm not saying this in a "get over yourself" way, I mean it in more of a "it doesn't make you less of a person, this is just your thing" kind of way. My partner has severe social anxiety and is only comfortable in the company of a very select group of people - he can't even spend time with my extended family. But, he can take part in many extreme sports without an ounce of fear. During a team building exercise in work one day, it was a shock for him to see many of his colleagues afraid to try out some of these sports, but it was also a very good lesson for him. Yes, you can't 'do social' like they can. but there is definitely things they can't do as well as you.

Third thing - you said in your first post that it can be obvious sometimes to others that you are socially anxious because of stuttering and getting a red face. Some people may notice, but don't underestimate the selfishness of some people, the naivety of others and the kind-heartedness of the rest. Some people will be too self-absorbed to notice that you are nervous. They'll just think you're hungover, shy or unprepared (if it's a talk) Others may notice you not mixing so well with others and they might try to include you more, which may look like they are trying to take the mick or purposely make you feel awkward. But 99% of people aren't like that. And 99% of people do not understand how crippling genuine, severe anxiety (social or otherwise) is. My partner used to get angry at people for 'not understanding' but I used to say to him, 'yeah, but in fairness, you've never explained' Not that I would have expected him to. I get that it's not easy to blend into conversation.


I heard someone on the radio once saying that the worst thing that was ever done for modern health was the separating of the concept of wellness into the two categories of mental and physical. And it's true. Health is health. We are ALL susceptible to poor mental health in the very same way that we can all catch a cold.

I'm sending you a virtual hug.

coltrain

I know exactly what your going through, I'm 31 now and have had social anxiety most of my life. There are a couple of meetup groups for social anxiety you could try. It's called step out Ireland, I think they have coffee meets in town once a week and its small groups supposedly so not as intimidating.

Shoebox1926

coltrain wrote: »

I know exactly what your going through, I'm 31 now and have had social anxiety most of my life. There are a couple of meetup groups for social anxiety you could try. It's called step out Ireland, I think they have coffee meets in town once a week and its small groups supposedly so not as intimidating.

Thanks Coltrain. Ive never heard of step out Ireland. Ill look into it, thanks for your help x

nkav86

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be very lonely. I was undiagnosed for years, I had depression and social anxiety. I thought I was useless, just lazy, or a bad person. I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I stayed in alone for two weeks straight at one point, it's cost me jobs, friends, relationships and my physical health.

I went to my GP sobbing one day, I'd never met him before I avoided doctors. He put me on a wait list for a therapist. We started sessions and I poured out all of my issues, I wrote pages of things that trigger me and could see how every aspect of life (essentially) was an anxiety trigger for me.

The first day traveling to the therapist I had a panic attack, I couldn't look her in the eye and constantly had tears flowing. I don't think I've ever seen myself so low before. I never told anyone because I didn't know what was happening.

I'm telling you this because I wanted you to see that it can get better, don't lose hope in yourself. I can't tell you what your 'fix' will be but that helped me. I'm working now in an office, I don't have panic attacks and crying at the thought of leaving the house. I'm socialising frequently, and have actually noticed myself being happy. I'm not cured, it's not all sunshine, I still second guess and analyse everything I do or say. I had an anxiety attack this monday morning. I still have feelings of worthlessness. But there is always hope, I've learned to manage and diminish those feelings. I hope some day soon you find things a little easier, best of luck.