Mother-in-Law and Unwanted Contact

LegacyUser

Without giving too much information, myself and my husband had an irreversible falling-out with his side of the family (by his own choice but with my disguised relief). The whole issue almost dragged my OH into the depths of depression - not because of his loss, but rather the capabilities of his family to stoop to the levels they did.
We have two kids, and every time an "event" rolls around (Christmas and either of their birthdays or my OH's birthday), a "present" or "card" comes in the post, and it always contains a note. It's maddening to the point of insanity how each note seems to inadvertently blame me for what happened. Not once have any of these notes contained any form of apology - in fact, most completely avoid the issue and are almost like letters you'd get from your elderly aunt in England who never sees you but always wishes you well!
When one of these notes come, my partner is raging and very upset for anywhere up to a month afterwards. It does simmer down, but he then gets worried and paranoid that they will show up at our door (we have ignored and returned every one of them once we discovered what they were).
What I wanted to know, is if there is any action he, or I could take to ensure we prevent more contact? I'm a stay-at-home mum, so I had considered hiding and binning/returning these as they come and not telling my OH, but it feels very dishonest. To put in context how much this is affecting him, we've considered moving house and refusing to hand out our address.

freshpopcorn

I wouldn't bother moving house because you'll be easy tracked down. Unless ye do a very drastic move.
In all honesty I'd just keep on doing what your doing. If they do land at the house just open the door.
The Gardai probably won't be overly interested once their not violent or dangerous.

Big Bag of Chips

Ask your husband. If knowing they arrived annoys him, why not ask him would he prefer if you "returned to sender" without letting him know.

You know what they're sending. You know when they're sending it. If you don't want to accept them, return them unopened. If his family are that bad, do you really want to accept gifts for your children from them. Would your children know, notice or care if they didn't get a card? If it was me, I'd just write "return to sender" on the envelope and throw it back in the post box.

Or just bin them!

Oink

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ask your husband. If knowing they arrived annoys him, why not ask him would he prefer if you "returned to sender" without letting him know.

You know what they're sending. You know when they're sending it. If you don't want to accept them, return them unopened. If his family are that bad, do you really want to accept gifts for your children from them. Would your children know, notice or care if they didn't get a card? If it was me, I'd just write "return to sender" on the envelope and throw it back in the post box.

Or just bin them!

Exactly. If the mail is your only issue, just tell your husband they'll be returned to sender until they get the hint. Problem solved. Bar their numbers.

LegacyUser

The items are not coming with return addresses, so we cannot "return to sender". We have to open them, discover who they are from and then re-post them. Our children have quite a few relatives who would post gifts, some who would be posting from the same area the MIL is, so we can't just refuse the items at the door either.
I binned the first one as I was so furious. I realised after this that she probably thought we had kept the gifts and considered it encouragement, so started sending them back. We have returned 5 gifts and a birthday card for my OH so far, was kind of hoping they'd have gotten the message by now.
I know it's not at harassment levels, and I know that my kids won't miss them (they are quite young and neither of them liked my MIL even when they did recognise her) but the effect it's having on my OH specifically, and me as a result (I can get quite moody and withdrawn and there's an overshadow to these events wondering if there will be another scathing note posted to us again this time). To put into context, the most recent note (this time disguised in a parcel with a printed label addressed to me) said that, as a parent, I should not cause suffering to family members by keeping my kids from them and that she still remembers them fondly. In this letter, she spelled both mine and one of my kids names wrong.

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Teyla Emmagan

Anon811712 wrote:

as a parent, I should not cause suffering to family members by keeping my kids from them and that she still remembers them fondly. In this letter, she spelled both mine and one of my kids names wrong.

Wickedness.

Don't waste your money sending them back, put them straight into the bin. And don't read the nasty note anymore, it is only designed to cause you pain.

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LegacyUser

I've been in almost the same situation myself, only I'm the husband. Spent years on tenterhooks every time there was a bit of post, or an unknown number came up on the phone. I couldn't even go the shopping centre local to them without constantly looking over my shoulder for fear of running into someone. And of course as far as any of my family were concerned it was all my wife's fault (which it wasn't at all).
It all came to a head after another subtle little dig written in a birthday card, and I had to do something for my own sanity. I met up with them on my own, told them in no uncertain terms I wanted nothing to do with them, and exactly why, and that it was all my choice and nobody elses. I was responsible for my kids well-being, and it wasn't in their best interest to be involved with them. When the kids are old enough I wont stop them from getting in touch if they chose to themselves and were able to see both sides of the argument themselves. Once they were faced with it head-on they backed off (probably called me all sorts of things behind my back, but nothing I can do about that). More importantly my wife and I could get on with things without that horrible feeling of dread the whole time.
Your husband will have to do something to draw a line under it for himself, whether telling them face to face, or writing a letter or whatever. If they persist after that then yeah, just chuck everything in the bin. And he has to do it himself, anything else will be seen as you making him do it. Until some sort of confrontation happens, you'll both spend your lives dreading when it does. It's best to have it happen on your own terms.

Neyite

You could uproot your family and move only for them to track you down in a matter of weeks and continue as before.

They are sending you these things to elicit a response. Even you returning the gifts is a response or a reaction that they feed off. See the way your husband is moody for up to a month after a parcel? This is the Fear-Obligation-Guilt cycle he's had ingrained from childhood surfacing every time. It's a tug on the reins for him.

You and your husband need to sit down and decide how to handle these as they come. Maybe order and read this book: Toxic In-laws. I've heard it's excellent then agree a strategy between you both for when these come through the door.

blackbird 49

i was in a similar situation , only not quite as bad as you, between birthdays and Christmas presents were sent we had a falling out about 3 months beforehand, sent them back via my OH brother in law, told him to tell them keep their presents and never send anything again, i suppose i was lucky they did'nt. Have not spoken to them in 20 years,

freshpopcorn

The main reason why they'll keep on sending the gifts are when the kids(and if they choose to have a relationship with the grandparents) are older they can always say we always sent you a card/gift but mammy/daddy wouldn't allow ye to have it.

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njs030

You returning them is giving them a response and that's what they feed off.
Next time just don't react, bin the gift or even better give it to charity or your local womans refuge as suggested above and leave them wondering have you just stopped caring about them and their dramas.

Your husband has been caught up in this drama his whole life and hasn't broken free yet, he could probably use some counselling to help him deal with it. Not reading it would be a good start but until he genuinely doesn't care he'll be tense running up to every birthday and event for years to come.

freshpopcorn

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It's just one of these things I have heard of when family fall out. The kids always get sent a gift for Birthdays/Christmas and in years to come the sender can always say we never forgot you!

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Paddy Cow

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The main reason why they'll keep on sending the gifts are when the kids(and if they choose to have a relationship with the grandparents) are older they can always say we always sent you a card/gift but mammy/daddy wouldn't allow ye to have it.

And in the meantime they can feed their victim status by telling all and sundry about how the evil daughter in law is keeping their son and grandkids from them but they still send gifts/cards to let them know they care. I bet they make a big drama every time gifts are returned and lament how they wish for a relationship blah blah blah.

Op send them a note with the next lot of returned gifts and tell them that future gifts will be given to charity. That way they don't get to think you are keeping them but they don't get the satisfaction of anymore reactions.

retro:electro

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Oh yes, I totally agree. Its a way of playing the victim later. Of painting the OP and her hubby as the Big Baddies.

Maybe they are? In fairness, we have no idea of the context of the op's circumstances.

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valoren

Paddy Cow wrote: »

And in the meantime they can feed their victim status by telling all and sundry about how the evil daughter in law is keeping their son and grandkids from them but they still send gifts/cards to let them know they care. I bet they make a big drama every time gifts are returned and lament how they wish for a relationship blah blah blah.

Op send them a note with the next lot of returned gifts and tell them that future gifts will be given to charity. That way they don't get to think you are keeping them but they don't get the satisfaction of anymore reactions.

True. While the in-laws themselves may be completely responsible for a falling out they are at liberty to smear the OP as the troublemaker to others and claim that what they are doing with the presents/notes is simply them trying to maintain contact with their wonderful son and his fabulous kids.

Not the OP. It is basically a form of deflection, projecting the blame onto the OP. You could almost hear them saying "She's nothing to us, but he and the kids are family. We are just letting him know we will always be there for him should anything happen between them *sob* *sob*, she has turned him and those lovely kids against us!".

It is them playing the victim after having been found out, called on it and cut off permanently. They are aggrieved, insulted that the OP and her husband have asserted themselves by cutting contact. They had the power to do that and it has infuriated them. The whole business of posting presents and calculated digs at the OP is extremely malicious. It is very common for people to simply be so self absorbed that they are quite unable to identify and grasp that they are the one's who were the problem. What they ought to be doing is making contact to apologize for whatever happened, but that isn't going to happen.

The whole sending notes with digs is their way of clinging to having some power over the OP. The presents to the husband and kids is merely a smokescreen for that. They sound like the kind of people who would brazenly exploit their son and grand kids in order to perpetually make digs at the OP, to that end, congratulations on discarding of such toxic people. Family or not.

LegacyUser

It would be hard to proclaim our innocence in all of this without sharing the specifics, which would make me easily identifiable, both on Boards and to anyone in my OH's family who might be on Boards.
The MIL is incredibly narcissistic, to the point of what we believe to be a diagnosable disorder. Her abuse of my OH is recordable from childhood and he relished the opportunity to be rid of her. Unfortunately, other family members took her side (we are not aware of what she said to encourage this, and were not given an opportunity to speak on our own behalf) and he now has contact with none of them as a result. Some of the insults thrown about were directly relating to our children and at the last contact, my MIL spat at her son and said she was "seething with hatred" and that I was a "certifiable lunatic" raising "feral animals" and I'd regret twisting her son against her. Part of the confrontation was due to my learning of things she was doing to my children (nothing too severe but definitely not right or safe) that I had to put a stop to.

I definitely get that she is clearly trying to get a rise out of me, but my reactions of anger and upset are almost completely down to seeing my husband so downtrodden over what has happened. We agreed to donate the gift and binned everything else, and from now on I will be doing likewise with every gift and binning the letters/notes before OH gets a chance to read them. I'd much rather him be miffed at me for a night for binning them than in despair for months because he got to read the content. I've tentatively suggested counselling for us both (I am approaching the conflict with a much more level head as they are not my family but I believe both of us going together could benefit so my husband can see how this is affecting us both) and he is considering it. Thanks for all the advice!

rainbowtrout

OP, I don't have contact with my father since he separated from my mother. Don't need to go into the details here. But he sends me money for my birthday and Christmas. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of a reply and opening what he may perceive to be a channel of communication by responding to him or returning it, so every year I donate it to charity.

You are probably better off not to respond and just to donate the gifts and bin/burn the letters without either of you reading them to be honest. Reduce your own stress in this situation by not reading their content.

Paddy Cow

Anon811712 wrote: »

It would be hard to proclaim our innocence in all of this without sharing the specifics, which would make me easily identifiable, both on Boards and to anyone in my OH's family who might be on Boards.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone but just so you know, there are very few on this thread who would doubt you. For most people, gifts/cards from their mother are a blessing and the fact that these gifts/notes send your husband into a downward spiral is all anyone should need to know that he is not the instigator. A mother's love can be unconditional but when it's from a narcissist, it's destructive and not everyone can understand that. I wish you and your family all the best.

freshpopcorn

All I can to you is continue you doing what tour doing if you feel it's working.
Make sure you have a plan for when your kids get older and they might get to the post before you.

December2012

You and you husband can't control what his family do. You can control your reaction.

I appreciate its upsetting but you're both going to find s way to deal with it so it doesn't send you into such a spiral.

That's not fair to each other, and your kids. You need to work on this.

Neyite

I thought I posted it yesterday but I didn't.

Toxic InLaws by Susan Forward is a great book for your situation - it's something I think you both need to read. She's got others in the series too. On another forum there's long running megathreads of people dealing with folk like this in their lives. If you google "but we took you to stately homes" you should find the current thread and links to previous ones.

He's had a lifetime of brainwashing into doing her bidding and it's seeped into his life in all sorts of little ways that will take time and a lot of introspection for him to shake off. But he's got 2 massive steps in the right direction going for him: Your support and assistance, and the fact you are in this together as a strong team, and secondly that you've already gone no contact. Once you've agreed that you'll deal with the gifts or notes and him not reading them, that's another big step forward for him.