Help needed re mental abuse

Mrs Bambi

Hi,

I have been married for more than 10 yrs and have 4 young children.
My husband has been mentally and financially abusive throughout our marriage but the situation has become untenable in the last 6 months.
He shouts at me constantly, calls me names, tells me I have a screw loose, blames anything and everything on me, ignores me for long periods of time only to suddenly switch to being nice again. He has never hit me but will back me into corners, shoulder me and stand over me in a pretty aggressive way.
He works hard but has never really done very much with the kids so basically I have been raising them alone.
I am expected to do everything regarding running the house, kids, joint finances and get shouted at if I don't do as he wants.
He has tried to separate me from my friends and family, he even told my mum I was an alcoholic....... I most certainly am not ....... in order to get her to look badly on me (it backfired badly on him as my family know everything now)
He gives me the minimum monthly amount I need and I have to have students and work a bit from home to keep us afloat, meanwhile he puts a huge amount of money into his own account every month.
He threatens to leave in front of the kids at least twice a week and tells me he will get half the house.
He doesn't give a monkeys about me just about money and I am scared of him. I finally cracked the other day and told him it would be better if he left at which he laughed and said I am going nowhere and u had better watch out or I'll take the kids, he has literally no relationship with them which is so sad. He told me last week he never wanted 4 kids (tried to force me to abort no 4 but I wouldn't) and it's my fault as he only wanted 2

To top it all off his behaviour has become more erratic and volatile the last 2-3 months, I strongly suspect he is having an affair and is getting even more abusive as a result.

I can't leave the house as we have nowhere to go and I havent much money of my own and I need him to go for my kids sake. I just don't know what to do? I have records of every incident in the last 4 months (29 in total) but I don't know where to start or what to do. He refuses to do any type of counselling but I am starting next week.

Has anyone here been through anything like this who could point me in the right direction.

I tried everything I could to make him happy and I am just devastated.

Thank you and apologies for the post length!

njs030

Op that was a really hard post to read it must have been tough to write, I'm sad to hear what you and your children are going through.
May i suggest you contact womens aid?
https://www.womensaid.ie
There is a helpline and they will have loads of information that will help you without forcing you into anything.

I hope you have some family support for you and your children, you sound very strong x

Loughc

If your family know everything can you move in with them.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get away from this bully.

ManOfMystery

For your kids sake, get out of there asap. They shouldn't be exposed to behaviour like his full stop, never mind at a young and formative age where they might grow up to think its normal. As above, if you have family is there any possibility of moving in with them?

C3PO

Loughc wrote: »

If your family know everything can you move in with them.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get away from this bully.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

For your kids sake, get out of there asap. They shouldn't be exposed to behaviour like his full stop, never mind at a young and formative age where they might grow up to think its normal. As above, if you have family is there any possibility of moving in with them?

While I do understand why you would give the OP this advice, it strikes me that it might be exactly what her husband is trying to achieve!
I would suggest getting plenty of advice before leaving the family home. There are other options ... a barring order for example?

jimmycrackcorm

Go to a solicitor for advice about sustain and divorce. Then tell him this is what is going to happen. Ultimately it's your family home and can't be split while the kids are still at school and inevitably a judge will make him leave and he'll still have to pay the mortgage and support his kids.

Once he starts to realize how much he stands to lose he may change his attitude.

There may be reasons why he is like this. He could be under severe work pressure for example and taking it out on you, but his refusal to try counselling means you have no option but to go nuclear.

eviltwin

C3PO wrote: »

While I do understand why you would give the OP this advice, it strikes me that it might be exactly what her husband is trying to achieve!
I would suggest getting plenty of advice before leaving the family home. There are other options ... a barring order for example?

Its very hard to get a barring order - as it should be, it makes someone homeless. She would need compelling evidence her safety is at risk and as his abuse is mental that's going to be hard to prove. She may have better luck with a safety order but if there is any possibility of a risk to her or the kids safety I'd be out of there.

kylith

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

There may be reasons why he is like this. He could be under severe work pressure for example and taking it out on you, but his refusal to try counselling means you have no option but to go nuclear.

Under severe work pressure for a decade? There are no excuses, this man is an abusive asshole.

OP, contact Women's Aid, they will be able to talk you through what you need to do. While my first instinct is to tell you to take the children and get the hell out of there this may cause issues later due to you leaving the house.

However, your husband is lying to you. He will not get everything, he will not get half the house. What he will get is an order to pay the mortgage and maintenance for the children. He wants you to think you'll have nothing so that you'll be afraid to leave him.

Please be careful. Statistically the most dangerous time for an abused partner is when they are planning to leave, even abusers who have not previously been physically violent can become dangerous.

Degringola

kylith wrote: »

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

There may be  reasons why he is like this. He could be under severe work pressure for example and taking it out on you, but his refusal to try counselling means you have no option but to go nuclear.

Under severe work pressure for a decade? There are no excuses, this man is an abusive asshole.

OP, contact Women's Aid, they will be able to talk you through what you need to do. While my first instinct is to tell you to take the children and get the hell out of there this may cause issues later due to you leaving the house.

However, your husband is lying to you. He will not get everything, he will not get half the house. What he will get is an order to pay the mortgage and maintenance for the children. He wants you to think you'll have nothing so that you'll be afraid to leave him.

Please be careful. Statistically the most dangerous time for an abused partner is when they are planning to leave, even abusers who have not previously been physically violent can become dangerous.

Whatever you decide to do OP, doon't let him know your plans until you have your ducks in a row.  Keep your cards very close to your chest.

Mrs Bambi

eviltwin wrote: »

Its very hard to get a barring order - as it should be, it makes someone homeless. She would need compelling evidence her safety is at risk and as his abuse is mental that's going to be hard to prove. She may have better luck with a safety order but if there is any possibility of a risk to her or the kids safety I'd be out of there.

This is the issue I have, even the solicitor I talked to said it would be better if he hit me. I don't think he will be removed from the house with a safety or protection order so I am unsure what to do.

Moving out is not an option unfortunately as I have no one who has room for all 5 of us plus He will not move out and let me back in if I leave, which basically means myself and the 4 kids would be homeless where he can go to his mums

Mrs Bambi

Degringola wrote: »

Whatever you decide to do OP, doon't let him know your plans until you have your ducks in a row.  Keep your cards very close to your chest.

I know he knows nothing about my plans, he doesn't even know I'm going to counselling, today was just horrible and the thought of four years like this before a judge gets him out fills me with fear especially the damage that it will do to the kids. Hopefully I will get a chance to ring women's Aid tomorrow which will help and then I am going to try to apply for legal aid

JennyZ

You really should speak to a qualified counsellor or women's aid.

Mrs Bambi

JennyZ wrote: »

You really should speak to a qualified counsellor or women's aid.

I am going to one the end of this week and definitely have to try to get onto women's aid on the way there while I don't have the kids around

Maggiemay13

kylith wrote: »

Under severe work pressure for a decade? There are no excuses, this man is an abusive asshole.

OP, contact Women's Aid, they will be able to talk you through what you need to do. While my first instinct is to tell you to take the children and get the hell out of there this may cause issues later due to you leaving the house.

However, your husband is lying to you. He will not get everything, he will not get half the house. What he will get is an order to pay the mortgage and maintenance for the children. He wants you to think you'll have nothing so that you'll be afraid to leave him.

Please be careful. Statistically the most dangerous time for an abused partner is when they are planning to leave, even abusers who have not previously been physically violent can become dangerous.

Excellent advice from Kylith. Please be careful OP. You can do this

kylith

Mrs Bambi wrote: »

This is the issue I have, even the solicitor I talked to said it would be better if he hit me. I don't think he will be removed from the house with a safety or protection order so I am unsure what to do.

Moving out is not an option unfortunately as I have no one who has room for all 5 of us plus He will not move out and let me back in if I leave, which basically means myself and the 4 kids would be homeless where he can go to his mums

Please call your family. I know that my mother would move heaven and earth to put up my family if I was in your position, and I'm betting yours would too. Is it worse to stay in the situation you are in, or to sleep on a floor?

LushiousLips

That was a very tough read OP and I really feel for you and the kids. To speak to you like that in front of your children is heartbreaking.
Best of luck to you, stay strong x

Fakediamond

Women's Aid will help you with practical advice. Keep your record of the incidents in a safe place, preferably not in the house. Same goes for important documents, children's birth certs, passports etc, until you know how you are going to proceed.

So sorry for your situation and glad to know that your family know the truth.

Steviesol

Mrs Bambi wrote: »

I am going to one the end of this week and definitely have to try to get onto women's aid on the way there while I don't have the kids around

Can I add, alot of counsellors have not got a clue about domestic violence, so I advise you to thread carefully.

I have huge experience, I suggest you contact your local womens shelter, may not be womens aid.

They have a direct route to the local district court and can make applications on your behalf.
Be it barring order/safety order.
Some judges are really opening up to coercive control which is the type of abuse you seem to be receiving.

Other judges are not, they need to see bruises. Again your local womens group will no the lay of the land with the local judge. I cannot stress this enough, let that be your first port of call. They will provide free counselling for you with a dedicated domestic violence counsellor. They will even put you and kids up in hotel of needs be.

They will also suggest solicitor if needs be. If you are rural, I know of loads of rural groups,

Google west cork women against violence for example.

Safe ireland are doing trojan work as advocates.

Best of luck to you and any other women going through this. #speakup

Estrellita

kylith wrote: »

.

However, your husband is lying to you. He will not get everything, he will not get half the house. What he will get is an order to pay the mortgage and maintenance for the children. He wants you to think you'll have nothing so that you'll be afraid to leave him.
.

This, a million times over. Common enough for an abuser to make their victim believe they will never survive without them. End this bullys reign of terror, and get out now. Forget the house for now, move in with anyone that can put you up. Nobody that loves you would treat you that way. This is all going on around your children, that's no life for any of you.

As Kylith said, these people are at their most dangerous when they know you are ending it. I'd be packing and moving out once he's away to work.

Take care of yourself and the children.

retro:electro

I grew up in a house like this. It never ends op, it went on until I entered my 20's and persisted until the very day my dad died.
If I could go back in time and tell my mam to leave him the very first time any of this happened, I would. We would have had a more relaxed, peaceful and enjoyable childhood- instead of one spent in constant fear, a state of tension and tip toeing. Please know you're not doing your children any favours by staying there. Your children feel it and know what is happening. They want and deserve peace and comfort, as do you.

Big Bag of Chips

A mistake a lot of people is make is thinking they are staying together "for the children". In many many cases where people, we'll use 'women' for the sake of simplicity stay in abusive relationships with horrible men, the children grow up not only hating their father but hating their mother just as much for not protecting them from the abuse. Hearing it, seeing it etc.

What benefits do you think your children are gaining from living like this every day? And what negative effects do you think they are experiencing. I don't know how old your children are, but I know children are the most self centred beings in the world! They are the centre of their own world. And if something goes wrong around them, they immediately jump to thinking how they caused it, if something they did affected something else to cause the problem.

Your children will be bearing a lot of responsibility that is not theirs to bear. Your marriage is never going to be a happy one. The question is, how long are you willing to tolerate it?

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judeboy101

4 kids is a lot of childers allowance. You can get it sent to your own account, start building a rainy day fund.

Estrellita

judeboy101 wrote: »

4 kids is a lot of childers allowance. You can get it sent to your own account, start building a rainy day fund.

I know you mean well, but 4 children can use up children's allowance very quickly. Always growing out of clothes and shoes etc. Especially this time of year with books and uniforms to buy. It barely scratches the surface.

Each month, for a lot of women, it may provide a little relief for bills hanging around too such as electricity etc. I'm not so sure she would be able to save much, certainly not as quickly as she needs it.

Something tells me he watches her pennys, if he isn't in control of the allowance himself.

Emme

judeboy101 wrote: »

4 kids is a lot of childers allowance. You can get it sent to your own account, start building a rainy day fund.

Many women in situations like this depend on the Children's Allowance to be able to feed themselves and their children. Controlling men are often financially abusive as well.

judeboy101

Estrellita wrote: »

I know you mean well, but 4 children can use up children's allowance very quickly. Always growing out of clothes and shoes etc. Especially this time of year with books and uniforms to buy. It barely scratches the surface.

Each month, for a lot of women, it may provide a little relief for bills hanging around too such as electricity etc. I'm not so sure she would be able to save much, certainly not as quickly as she needs it.

Something tells me he watches her pennys, if he isn't in control of the allowance himself.

She said joint finances so she is well within her right to have CA money paid into separate account (that's it's original purpose, to provide women with independent income). It will make it harder for him to count pennies if he can't see them.

Emme

Here is a Facebook link to a page:

Stop Domestic Violence in Ireland

https://www.facebook.com/stopdomesticviolenceinireland/

ennis81

OP Please leave, u can sort the house etc later
If one of my family or friends told me they were going through this I would move heaven and earth to help them, tell who ever you are close to that you need help show them your post, take care of yourself and the kids