confused what to do about his friends

floodfork

Hi

I have just recently got engaged. my relationship has been always wonderful, love and adore my partner. everything is 100% perfect. Except for one thing, his friends.

We have had fun nights out together etc, but over time since known my partner have heard diff stories here and there and seeing behaviours that truelly do not align with my own morals, values and norms. Cheating on partners, prostitutes, cheating with married women, and at times just complete assholes.

I know my partner gets annoyed with this behaviour but noone ever calls them up on treating people disrespectfully. Making a lifetime commitment with someone has just got me thinking what if these peoples behaviour ever influences my partners. Am i going to have to put up with this behaviour for life. Its just not something I see in my group of friends, his or my family, or in their partners friends or anyone else in my life.

Makes me sick to think about it. I trust my partner completely but my question is by been human, if you surround yourself with this kind of behaviour, can it become to be seen as acceptable, normal?

I dont want to stop him been around these people but i also dont want to worry or fear that this would contaminate our relationship. I am not really sure what i am asking here. He has been friends with some people since 10 years old. would you stop being friends or distance yourself from people if their behavior, different morals and values and norms made you feel uncomfortable

bee06

Either you trust him or you don't. If they were going to "contaminate" his way of thinking surely it would have happened already if they've been friends since they were 10.

Dr Crayfish

And the thing is you probably only know a fraction of what's really going on! I don't think you're going to stop him from hanging around with his life long friends, and if you want him to he'll probably resent you for it. I have friends that have done tonnes of stuff I'd never do, but I just live and let live, your fella probably does the same.

HalloweenJack

The only person whose behaviour matters is your husband's. You said he himself gets annoyed with their behaviour, I think that says enough about his views on the situation.

You can't really expect him to turn his back on people who have been his friends for that long because they do stuff that doesn't have any consequences for him or you.

If it really bothers you that much, I think the only thing you can do is tell him how you feel and maybe avoid hanging around with them yourself. However, I wouldn't think of suggesting he stop doing so.

December2012

If he has not been influenced to match their behaviour yet then it's unlikely he's going to start.

floodfork

bee06 wrote: »

Either you trust him or you don't. If they were going to "contaminate" his way of thinking surely it would have happened already if they've been friends since they were 10.

Yeah I do. Its also just with such a commitment wondering about these things in my life in future, when have children etc. Contaminate is only word I could think of to describe what was feeling. But yeah you are right. Thanks

floodfork

I have heard enough to know what goes on to the stage nothing shocks me but I will not just accept this behaviour as okay either. Making this commitment has just had me thinking more about it. I see the hurt and betrayal and deceit and I know how it hurts people so it does also effect me and our relationship at times.

floodfork

Yep your right. It kind up just got me thinking as my job involves some psychology (advertising) and recently covering group mentality etc in a course. Just had me thinking about this. But yeah I know him by now so nothing to worry about, it's just a self struggle about having these kind people in my life. I am marrying this person so I cannot just remove them from my social circle, that's not what I want to do anyway as I plan to marry etc and I want our lives intertwined etc.

HalloweenJack wrote: »

The only person whose behaviour matters is your husband's. You said he himself gets annoyed with their behaviour, I think that says enough about his views on the situation.

You can't really expect him to turn his back on people who have been his friends for that long because they do stuff that doesn't have any consequences for him or you.

If it really bothers you that much, I think the only thing you can do is tell him how you feel and maybe avoid hanging around with them yourself. However, I wouldn't think of suggesting he stop doing so.

LegacyUser

Yeah, look, the thing about men is we have a you do you and I'll do me attitude to things. We're not each other's keepers. We don't stick our noses in each others business where it's not wanted, cause we're "only trying to look out for you and I clearly know better than you what's good for you". That **** just doesnt fly. His friends do what they do, he does what he does, and each man is his own man, who makes his own decisions and cuts his own path in life. That's just how men are. Thier actions and morals etc are thiers and his are his. They'll do what they're gonna do and he'll do what he is.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same situation but it's the opposite way around. My friends would be quite big into drugs and when they go on a night out there will always be coke or e being taken. Even though they are my friends, and I go out on nights out with them, it's not something I partake in.

My partner is extremely anti drugs and knows the goings on of my friends. He trusts me enough to know that it's not my thing and I won't be influenced by them.

You either trust your partner or you don't.