Finding it difficult to move on after rejection

LegacyUser

I've been good friends with a guy for the last three years. He is a very attractive, interesting man who always has an abundance of women to date. I knew for a while that I was strongly attracted to him as much more a friend but kept it hidden as I really enjoyed his friendship and we had a lot in common. I am almost sure he had suspicions that I liked him as much more than a friend as I am not good at hiding emotions. About three months ago, I decided to bite the bullet and tell him how I feel. It didn't go down well and after a very awkward conversation he told me that he only liked me as a friend. I found it very upsetting and told him that I couldn't continue to be friends with him which he understood.

3 months later and I am finding it very difficult to move on. I am 36, rarely meet men and have only a spattering of short term relationships, the last of which was 10 years ago. I have thrown myself into online dating in the past but the same people are coming up and I just feel drained from the whole dating scene. The rejection of a friend feels particularly hurtful as he knew me well and still didn't want to be with me. I feel very undesirable and just have no confidence in myself with men. I feel that i am destined to be single forever and can't see any hope in my romantic future.

I know people will tell me to just get out there and move on but its very difficult to do. I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to move on from this rejection? Or anyone who has been or is in similar circumstances that can offer some advice. Thanks

Daisy78

Sorry to hear of your woes OP. It's tough, dating (or not as the case me be) as a mid 30's woman is bloody difficult and disheartening at times. I think you were very brave to make your feelings known to this guy. It can be so hard to read the signs sometimes and with some people, they just lap up the attention without setting the other person sstraight as to their real feelings. I suppose the one positive I would take from this is that now you know his true feelings you can refocus your efforts with regard to dating other men. Without being conscious of it you might not have been as enthusiastic or open to dating other men if you are still holding a torch for this guy.

In terms of meeting men, are you relying on online dating or do you have other potential outlets you could pursue? With regard to online dating are you on a paid site or a free one?

Augme

Rather than spending your time dating you should spend it working on your own self-confidence. As the cliche goes, if you don't love yourself how can you expect someone else to? Personally, there is nothing that's more of a turn-off than someone who doesn't have any self-confidence.

Addle

Fair play to you OP.
It takes balls to ask someone out.
Rejection isn't nice, but will ultimately be character building.
You won't care as much the next time an opportunity comes around.

Asking someone out was probably the greatest and the worst thing I've ever done. I was upset and ashamed and avoided the guy for ages after.
But time heals and I laugh to myself now wondering how I ever got the nerve.
I was your age.
I developed a fresh respect for people who take the risk of asking and accepted the next person who asked me out (it was a very rare occasion) thinking he deserved a chance for just his effort.
We both think we were worth the risk.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your responses so far.

Regarding online dating I am only using the free sites, plenty of fish mainly. I am involved with lots of sports clubs where there are lots of men but I am very shy. I've never been good at making small talk with people and prefer being by myself even though. I know I need to put myself out there more. I try and make an effort to talk to people. There was one guy I liked and we did hang out a lot but then he started dating a much younger and attractive girl. I guess all these little knockbacks have just made me feel very unattractive. I am 36 and feel very much like I am passed it. My own brother is 38 and dating a girl who is 27. I really can't imagine why any man would be interested in someone like me when there are so many other desirable women out there. I know these negative thoughts are making me retreat into my self even more.

I have done counselling in the passed to help my self confidence. It works for a while but the fact remains that 10 years has gone by with a few dates here and there. I can't see anything dramatically changing now.

Daisy78

Of course you are not past it. But you do seem a bit jaded by your experiences to date. When you have little to show for 10 years of trying you inevitably turn in on yourself and start to question your desirability. But you need to ask yourself the question, have those 10 years of bad luck been due to a lack of attractiveness on your part or just merely a lack of opportunities to meet interested men. Last night I was sitting in my slimming class, looking around the room were women of all shapes, sizes, some you would call pretty, some not so much. And I know for a fact that all of them are married or live with a partner. What it demonstrates is that there is someone out there for everyone. I've lived with two ladies who were shall we say strong on personality and less on looks but who had a string of boyfriends/ partners to their credit. Objectively these ladies didn't at least on a superficial level appear to be desirable to men but both had at that time and previous to that men who adored them. So if they can meet someone they why not you? As for the age thing, well at the end of the day men, and particularly older men just want someone they are compatible with. I really think the cohort of guys who exclusively want to date much younger women is a lot smaller than you think.

What you want is a man who thinks that he is lucky to have found such a good partner in life not the type of man you have mentioned in your op who has so many options he is unwilling to commit or to take a chance on someone he is so so about. Maybe this is the point you think about doing things differently....be a little forward with some of the men you meet in social situations, not overbearing but more flirty/approachable (this is something I have difficulty with myself so I know it's not easy), try the fee paying dating websites in addition to the free ones and broaden your horizons with regard to the type of man you would be willing to date. At 36 you are way too young to give up and by doing so you are denying someone the chance to meet you, so isn't it worth the effort?

milli milli

rejection101 wrote: »

I am 36 and feel very much like I am passed it. My own brother is 38 and dating a girl who is 27. I really can't imagine why any man would be interested in someone like me when there are so many other desirable women out there. I know these negative thoughts are making me retreat into my self even more.

OP you need need to stop the negative thinking - as you said it's not helping you.
It's not easy though, I completely understand. I'm older than you and also looking to meet someone. Dating is much harder when you're older - you have all these other complications that you usually don't have in your twenties.

And being out of the dating scene really knocks your confidence. You start to think you're undesirable when you're most likely not. I know lots of very attractive single women in their 30s and 40s. For one reason or another they're single. Some have had enough of men, and closed themselves off. Others have gotten into a routine where they're looking after themselves and maybe children and don't know how to break out of it.

It's been said before that dating is a lot about luck. Not everyone is a right fit for each other. I know a girl that spent well over a year dating guys online - she treated it like a job search and saw a few guys a week. None seemed to suit her but eventually she found a guy and they have been going out a long time now. She's only in her twenties and had a very rich social life, but still she didn't find the right person.
Others are lucky and they meet their life partners at 21 (or unlucky, depending on what way you look at it!).
A good friend of mine met her husband at 45.

I think as others said, you need to work on your confidence. Would you date yourself? Could you stand back and say, yes I have so much going for me, I have a great personality, I have a fulfilling life, I make the most of my appearance, I have a lot to offer someone?

And you know OP, you do have a lot to offer. You're so brave to ask your friend out. Pat yourself on the back. Loads of people wouldn't have done that. Yes it hurts that it wasn't reciprocated, but that's ok, it wasn't a right fit. There's more space in your life for the right person. And you didn't spend a decade wasting time, hoping he'd ask you out. So you should have no regrets there.

You're also active in a number of sports clubs, which means you're fit and healthy and interesting. Lots of people work and then go home and watch tv with some wine. I've seen their posts on this forum.
You have things going for you.

I think you need to channel more of that bravery and start interacting with more people in the sports clubs.
I think once you work on your own confidence, this should be easier.
And don't blame your shyness. I'm shy too but had to come out of my comfort zone too to do things. You don't have to become the life and soul of the party, just talk to one or two new people there.

I don't have all the answers but I know that thinking negatively doesn't work. You are certainly not past it at your young age. By working on my own self-confidence, I've had more male attention and more dates. Self-confidence is hugely attractive.
Best of luck OP