Cheating boyfriend owes me money...

LegacyUser

With my boyfriend nearly 4 years however for the last 8/9 months he has treated me badly. Having had suspicions of cheating from an earlier episode I questioned him and was told no I'm not cheating. However 4 weeks ago I found messages on his phone again "she is contacting me I have blocked her number". Things have not gotten any better (we do not live together) . I have now broken up with him and informed family and friends what has happened

Now here is the biggie he owes me E3,000. I want to message her but also get my money back what would you do? I'm devastated obviously as we have been through a lot. Is a solicitors letter of any use?

Tokyo

Setting emotions aside here for a second, the big question is - do you have anything in writing that he owes you €3000?

woodchuck

Have you asked for the money back? Unfortunately when you loan money in a relationship, it's just one of those risks you take.

I was in a similar situation before. Technically he didn't owe me money, but we had both recently put a lot of money into doing up the apartment that he had bought himself before we met. I wasn't comfortable putting that kind of money into a place that I didn't own, but I felt pressured into it at the time. Luckily I raised the issue when he broke it off with me and he gave me my share back. However he could just as easily have said no and I would've been left out of pocket.

So all I can really advise is... ask

Bambi985

Yeah I wouldn't be too hopeful about this one tbh. By all means, tell him you're looking for the three grand he owes you and see how he responds, but I'd say prepare to never see that money again. It's a small price to pay for getting rid of that chunk of dead wood from your life IMO.

s3rtvdbwfj81ch

why did you give someone who you've been suspecting of cheating on you for a while, and been "treating you badly" for 8 months, three grand?

Was it a straight up cash loan?

Was it to buy some mutual-use item or decorating a room in a shared house?

m'lady

Ellis Steep Whimsy wrote: »

why did you give someone who you've been suspecting of cheating on you for a while, and been "treating you badly" for 8 months, three grand?

Was it a straight up cash loan?

Was it to buy some mutual-use item or decorating a room in a shared house?

Do we know when the op gave her ex the loan? It could have been before the 8 months and they are together 4 years.

As others have said op, I think you should ask him firstly and depending on his response decide on the next step.

Katgurl

Hard and all as it is i would try to shelve my emotions here and play smart. Don't go in all guns blazing with accusations, solicitors letters or threats. He will respond just as aggressively. So i would ask him as civilly as you can manage for the money back.

3k is a sizeable lump of money and you want it back.

If he won't play ball then by all means get as nasty as you want.

Of course after you get the money back (no way would i even entertain any other outcome) then you can tell everyone what a lying cheating scumbag he is and let his new missus know what a leech he is.

You are well rid.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you message her? She may know nothing about you, or she may know everything about you, not care and throw something hurtful in your face. She's not your problem. He is. So only deal with him. Chances are you'll never see your money again. But chances are you'd never have seen it again even if you stayed together. Ask for it in writing (even a text message/email) let him reply and see what he says. If he hadn't given it back to you at this point he probably didn't have it. And if he didn't have it then, he doesn't have it now.

A chat with a solicitor might help, but it might not.

Airyfairy12

Have you asked for it back? Ask for it over email/text so you have proof of the conversation. If he doesnt comply then get a solicitor.
You should message the other woman and let her know whats been going on, she could be as much of a victim in this as you. That being said she could very well know youre in a relationship together and is totally unfazed by it, ive had similar issues with other women while in a relationship so with that in mind id casually let her know that you know whats been going on and they probably deserve each other. Dont be aggressive or get angry with her or do/say anything that can be used against you, they'll call you crazy ect. Keep your cool.

LegacyUser

OP HERE-Not sure how to add to original message hope this works

Thank you for the replies, it was actually €4,000 but got €900 back. I have texts plus the letters in which he paid me back with (3 lump sums) as my proof. I have repeatedly said I want the money back.
Why did I loan the money? Apparently a family tax bill..how stupid am I. He has said he will pay back €25 per week however I want it all back from him or some family member as I want nothing more to do with him and try to move on with my life
I plan to message her just to let her know that he was in a long term relationship, as you say she maybe none the wiser . I feel such a fool, I'm usually smarter than this...

Airyfairy12

4yearswasted wrote: »

OP HERE-Not sure how to add to original message hope this works

Thank you for the replies, it was actually €4,000 but got €900 back. I have texts plus the letters in which he paid me back with (3 lump sums) as my proof. I have repeatedly said I want the money back.
Why did I loan the money? Apparently a family tax bill..how stupid am I. He has said he will pay back €25 per week however I want it all back from him or some family member as I want nothing more to do with him and try to move on with my life
I plan to message her just to let her know that he was in a long term relationship, as you say she maybe none the wiser . I feel such a fool, I'm usually smarter than this...

Tell him to take out a loan or an overdraft. He can give you the 3,000 and pay 25 a week to the bank instead.

lifeandtimes

4yearswasted wrote: »

or some family member

Why should his family member pay its not them that owe the money it's him.

You could ask for it all but if he says he can only afford 25 a week and can prove there's not much a judge will do about if you take a case against him

Bandana boy

I don't think you should talk to this women , she is none of your business .
Your relationship was with him and its now over , Talking to her would be about revenge for you and nothing about her.
That would be me my advice for anybody ending a relationship

You also are trying to recuperate money , talking to her will start a feud and will signal the end of any hope of getting your money back.

I would be insistent that he borrow the money to pay you back , either via his family or the credit union /Bank and that 25 Euro a week is not acceptable .

B.A._Baracus

Hi op,
as others have said it's on him to pay it back and not anyone else.

That said... it's mirky waters. By all means do not let it go as 3,000 isn't something you just come by walking down the road. So if you say he owes it, then do your best to get it off him.

My two cents is just be prepared for the chance he won't ever pay. Mirky waters as I say. He can easily deny ever receiving such money. It's the he said/she said thing.

Mr. Incognito

Well

A woman scorned.

Firstly- why would you contact the other woman and create drama. You are not longer in a relationship, you need to exit it with a bit of dignity and grace here. Don't feed his ego with that ****e. Even bad mouthing him to his family is a bad move. They are going to think that you are a psycho as they are obviously going to take his side. Don't waste your energy.

You have the debt acknowledged. A solicitors fees would probably eat most of the debt. Ask him to take out a loan or an overdraft as others have said and once you get paid exit stage left and move one.

LegacyUser

E250 lodged to my account 2 weeks ago, numerous texts and calls. He has verbally abused, shouted and roared at me ,he has a temper, he has never hit me but said if I was a man he would have floored me as (I AM STRESSING HIM OUT)NICE GUY RIGHT.

I asked to meet him last week, we met last Saturday all I want is the truth and nothing despite being in the cars for nearly 2.5 hours. He will pay €25 per week which means this is never ending (he is on the dole and his dole has been cut he has a sideline job so someone called social welfare on him , I would too but then I will definitely get nothing)..

Threatening me not to contact the other woman as it will impact this other sideline job..I'm still all over the place. He lives at home with his mother, has a car not sure of any other monies

I rang a solicitor it will cost €150 to send out letter which means I am down more money. If it did go to small claims court and they see is how dole is X amount I may get less? I have blocked his number on my phone however if money is not lodged on the next agreed date where do I go? If I contact her then he does not get the money from the sideline job then I defiantly get no money

Going to meet a counsellor next week through our EAP service @ work, to try to get some help on cooping with all of this, I think EAP provide some legal services too which I will access

kylith

If he's working on the side and getting paid then his dole doesn't come into it.

Big Bag of Chips

It might be an unpopular suggestion but I say write off the loan as an expensive lesson learned. You're unlikely to get it back. Also, you're never going to get answers out of him and meeting up with him and hearing more lies or abuse is only affecting you, he couldn't care less. So don't do that anymore.

It's very difficult to walk away. You want to have your say, you want him to see how right you are. You want him to admit how wrong he is. That will never happen.

Leave his number blocked. Don't chase him for the money, any contact with him is only giving him the go ahead to abuse you and upset you. Ignore all and any attempts at contact.

Move on, after learning his true character and consider it €3000 well spent.

bee06

I agree with BBOC. The mental wellbeing you'll gain will be a lot more valuable than any money you'll get dealing with that assh*le.

Dial Hard

kylith wrote:

If he's working on the side and getting paid then his dole doesn't come into it.

He can work up to three days a week and retain his dole for the other two.

However, I agree with BBoC. OP, you need to write this money off. Even if you keep at him, with all the stress and drama and hassle that that will entail, I can pretty much guarantee that the €25 a week will fizzle out after a couple of months. And spending €150 on a solicitor's letter is just throwing good money after bad. The solicitor can't force him to pay, only a court can do that. And even a court can't magic up money where there is none.

Augme

What about a debt collection agency? I'm not sure if they take on personal debts but at least they'd be the ones contacting him etc.