I Feel Like I Have No Control Over My Life

DQ400

i'm not sure how I will structure this, because this is the first time I'm really talking about how I feel to anyone, so I apologize if it's all over the place/disorganized. I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I'm writing this because I need help.

I just feel so oppressed. I would consider myself an independent person, and I like to make my own choices and do things alone, but I feel like I'm constantly being forced to believe this, do that, learn that, choose that. I feel like I have no freedom, like I am a puppet on strings.

I can't talk about this to anyone I know because nobody cares about my feelings. I can't be myself (or how I used to be) around others anymore because there are certain things I just can't say to them. This whole downward spiral is on my mind constantly. It has changed me. I used be a lot happier. These past few days have been extremely hard for me. Some days I feel fine, and forget about my worries for a while, but other days I'm just at rock bottom.

I don't even know where to begin in describing what I don't have control over in my life. I probably have forgotten a few things. It might even be better to talk about what I have control over in my life, but even that is hard to talk about.

My family has become very irritating for me. The littlest of things is made a hard task, and it's coming to the point where I just can't take it anymore. My father is pretty much like the dictator of the family most of the time. We have to do what he says, when he gives me a job to do I have to do it, even if that means stopping more important things. I feel like I have to agree with what he says, and like what he likes and do what he does. I have been forced to do lots of things because he wants me to be his 'second life' or something. He used to love cricket, so he signed me up for cricket lessons which I had no say in, even though i didn't want to play it. Everything he wanted to achieve before that he couldn't has been passed onto me, giving me all the pressure of achieving things I don't want to just because of his high expectations. My mother is the only one who can challenge him. When she's not happy, she's not happy and my father has to cancel all of his plans for her plans, but does he cancel his plans for my plans? no. She thinks of me as her doll. She picks all the clothes I wear. I have no say. The one thing they have in common is they have to have their way, and their way is the only way. When I suggest something different, I get attacked and a big argument emerges. Like today how my mother went on a rant about how I should wear sandals instead of shoes. Even the little things like the freedom to choose if I wear shoes or sandals has been stripped from me. My brother is a bit more relaxed, but sometimes he can be really irritating. He doesn't understand when to stop leaning on me, staring at me, eating his breakfast in my face and other stupid things like that. I thought he would have a bit of maturity, but I guess not. Whenever I ask him if he wants to do something, he says no, but if I say no to him, my mother forces me to do what he wants. I would prefer to do what I want, but I do it without too much resistance, because I'm not self centered, but it's always about everyone else. I feel like I'm the minority in the family.

Another thing is school. I have been forced to do certain subjects because my family thinks they are better than the others, but take no consideration into what I enjoy. It's not like they know what I enjoy anyway. I am able to get away from all the battles of home for a few hours, but it is always on my mind so I can't really enjoy any hour of the day. I used to enjoy school, but there is so much pressure that follows with it and it has made me really tired. I just feel tired all the time now.

Anything I enjoy is met with 'why do you like that' or 'what a stupid thing' or 'why even bother' or something negative. Never a positive. I really like tennis, but I can't actually play it because I don't have the equipment, and if I try to watch a game on TV, my dad takes the remote and says 'look at what he's watching. stupid' and switches to what he wants to watch. I wouldn't be able to buy the equipment anyway as even though they tell me to 'save my money' I always notice euros disappearing from my wallet. Only when the Wimbledon is on do I get a little boost of freedom. I like rock climbing (bouldering in particular) because it's the only thing that requires all attention, but I live too far away from a centre to do it even monthly at this stage. We go into the city every week, but my dad has the whole day planned out and I can never squeeze in some climbing. I like learning languages, and I'm learning a few obscure languages, some of which I would be afraid to talk about to my family in case they would find it stupid or not worth it. The music I listen to seems to be the only thing I can control, but my family don't really know what I listen to because I fear that they will find the music that I like to be not to their liking.

Another thing is that nobody knows that I'm gay. My dad is quite homophobic. He's not a devout Catholic or anything like that, but he has very low tolerance levels. I would never be able to come out to him in person because I would fear how he would react. I'm thinking of just writing a letter when I'm far away from him in college. It's not really a big part of me, like if I told them my personality wouldn't change or anything. I wouldn't act different. I just feel like it's holding me back from really being comfortable with myself and being even a bit happier.

I have a minor health things too that they seem to not care about. I fell from quite a height, and now one of my shoulders is a bit out of place, slightly higher than the other, but they never really cared about it when I told them. They said 'we will go to the doctor on Saturday' but that was four months ago. It's still not fixed.

I feel as if I'm in a dark tunnel with no light, but I have only begun to see a bit of light: college. Hopefully I will be able to be my old self there and become more free, and not be held down from all my problems I have now.

But that is 2 years away. It seems like such a long time away and I just can't deal with all of this anymore. I feel like nobody cares about me, and all I experience now is negativity. I have reached breaking point, and now I'm just looking for all the help I can get.

Airyfairy12

Can you communicate with your family at all? have you tried talking to them about how you feel?

Can you get a part time job or join an after school club? does your school have sports teams you could join? My secondary school had an after school badminton team, maybe yours has something similar? it could give you a little bit of independance and freedom.

My mother was very controlling too, she took me out of classes she didnt want me to study like Irish and German even though I excelled in those subjects, she made me do Irish dancing even though I hated it, I could only socialise on her terms. Its really hard when you feel you have no voice at home and no body respects you as an individual or your feelings but in two more years you'll be able to break away and start a new life in college. 2 years really isnt along time, when you do start college id advise you to get involved in lots of groups and societies as theyre a great way of branching out, helping with the big transition from a strict home to total freedom of college and you'll meet lots of new people. Most colleges have lgbt societies too so be sure to join one, they'll be a huge support for you.

jsms88

Hi, that's a rough situation you're in. I have no advice for you really except to try to just tough it out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel in that college will hopefully change things for you.

Best of luck!

Noodle1

College is only two years away. Put your energy into schoolwork, work as hard as you can at it, get the place that you want in college in the city that you want to go to. College is the best time of your life, you'll be free and can make all of your own choices. If you get a part time job it will give you some independence too. The situation you're in is only temporary, you've a long life of independence ahead of you so look forward to it if you can and it will help you to get through the next two years. You'll be working full time before you know it and college will be behind you too. Try to see the positives of this time of your life, spend time with your friends, listen to your music, try not to focus on what your family say to you. As the saying goes you can't choose your family. And yo probably won't change them. It will be their loss in the end as you'll leave the nest and they'll quickly find themselves alone if they continue like they are doing. So chin up and go for a walk or go and study every time they annoy you. I hated most of the subjects that I did in school but most people do, it's a means to an end. If you get a good leaving you've so much choice. Look at what you'd like to do in college and focus on that.
And if it makes you feel better I think most teenagers hate their parents, I know I did. But as an adult now with kids of my own I have a different perspective. Best of luck!

Xterminator

HI Op

Do you have any extended family you can reach out to like and aunt or grandparent? Preferably someone your parents respect in you need them to be your advocate, but even just a sympathetic ear would probably be a help at this stage.

You do have a lot on your plate at the moment and it does sound like its all got on top of you for the moment.

i have 2 bits of advice for you. 1 try to step back and see the bigger picture. your irritation with your family. You are in your life but if your difficulties are something most young people can complete relate to; to some degree, and perhaps LGBT people even more so. I was in a large family and fought with my brothers and sisters a lot. lack of space and privacy certainly aggravated the tensions. Yet now they are my best friends and people i can rely on 100%.

I read somewhere the lack of passage rites into adulthood in western society has muddied the waters into where a young adult stops being a child and becomes an adult. you feel ready to take the responsibility for you life, but your parents don't seem ready to cede that yet. if you become a parent later in life, you will perhaps understand their motivation better then, than you can now. please see that is not malicious and motivated with your best interests in mind. Also they do have more life experience and their opinions may have more sense in them that you perhaps can see at this stage. However without being allowed to make decision, and risk failing, your personal growth is also delayed. i would be taking this approach to any discussion around greater personal freedoms, and if you had an adult ally like an aunt, your parents might listen better.

2nd piece of advice for you is it to concentrate on the things you can change, and try to understand what you cannot. concentrate on your mental and physical health; on your fitness, studies etc. Try to have a hobby that make you happy when your enjoying downtime. Obviously you may have to find one your parents approve of, if you need funds and equipment etc. Perhaps something like taking up the guitar could work for you?

PS if your saving money ; dont keep it in your wallet. Im not clear if you think its being taken, or you just spend it yoursel, but i have rarely heard parents object to their kids having a savings account. It will be safe there, and if you can keep control of when you can take your money out; your sorted. If thats difficult find a hidey hole and keep your money safe there.

gline

Sorry to hear what you are going through op. Had worse issues myself with a controlling parent. Unfortunatley it did only improve when i left home, as soon as i finished school.

Though sometimes you have to fight for your freedom of choice (not physically obviously), maybe try and push back a bit, slowly at a time, like not doing some activity you really arent interested in.

One of the big things I would be worried about is your parents pushing you to do certain school subjects, that can affect your progress for years and if you allow it, the next thing they will be telling you what subjects and colleges to pick on the CAO.....dont let that happen. As was mentioned in the post above, you need to make these choices for yourself, its your life it will effect in the long run, not theirs. It can be very easy for parents to make all the decisions for young adults, but detrimental to their development. I mean you cant even wear what you want....thats bordering on abusive.