Am I being Unreasonable

LegacyUser

I currently live with my OH who I have been with for over 3 years. We are very happy, rarely fight and generally things are very good.
We are heading towards our late 20's and a large portion of his friends decided last year they would go travelling around Asia for a year. My OH was adamant he didn't want to go, which suited me. We had plans to go travelling ourselves a few years back but it fell through and we hadn't given it much consideration since.
They are due to leave in late September but have decided they're going to go to Thailand/Malaysia for almost a month as well, to kick off their travels. They invited my OH to go and he asked me would I mind if he went. I said no, but I wasn't too thrilled about it.
So he booked flights and they leave in 2 weeks time for a month long trip of island hopping.
There was no question of me tagging along as I don't have enough annual leave left to take at such short notice.

Except, now that things are in motion I feel sick at the thought of him going. A month is a very long time to be apart, and a very long time for me to be home alone considering we live quite far away from family and friends.
We also probably won't be able to go on a planned trip to the US after Christmas because he won't have the money.
As well, for no reason at all, I'm so worried that he'll either cheat on me or meet someone else while away and fall for her. I have no reason at all to believe he will, I 100% trust him and the question of his faithfulness has never even come up before now.
I'm also scared he'll see all his friends heading off on an adventure at the end of his holiday and he'll want to go too. He's the only one out of his friends "settled" in the sense of being in a stable relationship, living with a partner etc. and its making me paranoid he'll see them and want to leave.
I genuinely feel sick to the bottom of my stomach at the thoughts of him going and have a lump in my throat as I type. We have never been separated for that long before.

I do suffer with anxiety and was previously medicated for it, I'm considering going back to the doctor cause I honestly feel awful.

I haven't mentioned any of this at all to him, as far as he knows I'm super excited for him. I know I'm being ridiculous because I gave him the go ahead, and anyway, what right do I have to tell him what to do? I don't want to bring up the cheating fear to him because I actually think he'll be insulted given he's given me no reason to ever think he would.

I know I probably sound like a crazy bunny boiler but I'm just looking for some validation. Are these feelings normal when a partner is going on a long trip for the first time? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I have no intention of spoiling his fun by burdening him with these thoughts but I need to know whether they're valid or if they're my anxiety playing up. He's a great boyfriend and I'm just so scared of losing him.

Sorry for the essay, hope someone can help.

rcarroll

I'm a bit older, in my early 30's. And I see a lot of people I know in relationships where one or both has lost their independence. It can start innocently, where they want to be in each others company so much, all the time, that they forget how to be alone. They become anxious, having the fall-back of their partner to be their crutch, their buddy to go to every event. They stop pushing themselves to go outside their comfort zone and meet new people or try new things. This can be ok, while the relationship is good.

Maybe they break up though...that partner is now terrified they don't have that support there. Maybe they return to the relationship or jump into a new one, compounding their belief that they can't be alone..the relationship is uncomfortable now as it's based on fear, anxiety, a need to be with the other, not a desire to be.

Maybe the partner feels suffocated. Maybe the 'anxiety' of their partner means they can't go do things they want, spend time with friends, have their own hobbies. They claim that it's 'just like that in a relationship'...they slowly and surely become less engaged with their own lives in order to keep their partner happy.

It might not look much on the surface, a night in here and there as 'the other half wouldn't be too pleased'...laughs all around as if its normal. The older I get the more I see relationships where this behaviour is excused, complied with...sometimes it's because the hassle of breaking up at this age is too much, too much time is invested, the families are involved, they want the house, kids or whatever. But whatever way you want to dress it up, as 'anxiety', 'depression', 'love'...if one partner is limiting the other instead of supporting, if one partner is placing boundaries that suffocate instead of trust, if one partner avoids doing what they want because they are afraid of the reaction of the other, to me, it's not healthy. It's not love.

I can understand where you're coming from. And you've taken the first step which most people don't - recognise these feelings as possibly being harmful. It's normal to feel how you do, but in a good partnership, you can talk to your partner about it, then make a decision - make peace and trust, or break up. I think once you see your fears for what they are - emotional, stemming from insecurity or doubts, irrational (unless you have reason to not trust your partner), you can learn to seperate them from the facts. That's why it's important not to let anxiety rule - I would want my partner every day to make an active choice to love me, not passively stay with me out of fear. Do the same with him. Make an active choice to trust him

stuboy01

Hi OP,
I read your post and was going to reply, but I don't think I need to. Rcarrol has outlined it excellently IMO.

rcarroll

I forgot to include something which actually is pretty important: if you had made plans to go to the states with him, I don't mean 'ah it'd be great to go one day' sort of plans..it doesn't have to be locked in but if it was a definite plan for both of you, if it were me, I would expect him to manage his money so he can do both. I would NOT be happy if him going on this holiday meant ye couldn't do yours. I would ask him if he has budgeted for both.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

In regard to being suffocated by each other, I will say we're both very independent people. We both go away for long weekends with our respective groups of friends at least twice a year, we both have a hobby that gets us out of the house alone once a week. We both also make a huge effort to meet up with our friends at a minimum of once a week - him more so than me.

I didn't want to say it in my OP but I had no worries about this trip till I mentioned to some colleagues that he was going, and I was inundated with stories about how Thai women are irresistible and so beautiful, and would make even the most committed men stray. They all seemed to know a story of a friend of a friend whose marriage/relationship broke down when the man, who had previously been 100% faithful, went on a lads holiday there and ended up cheating. It has terrified me.

As for the trip to the states, its set in stone, we have dates picked, I have time booked off work. We were just waiting till September to book flights but seeing as he's only coming home at the start of that month there's no way he'll have the money.

I want to tell him these fears but I'm afraid I'll sound accusatory and that I'll sound like a crazy, possessive control freak. Which I swear I am not. But I can't help the anxiety I'm feeling even though he hasn't done anything wrong.

It'll be a long, long month home alone for me. I'm going to drive myself crazy if I'm still having these thoughts by then.

leggo

Some excellent points made above.

Just to add one more thing OP: there's actually nothing you can do. I mean, in theory, you might be able to pressure him into staying. But then what you'd create is a situation where he starts to feel like this relationship is holding him back from once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. It could cause resentment and drive a wedge between you, so stopping him is actually the thing that makes your insecurities come to pass. Whereas if you suck up your own reservations and get through the month, he should rightfully realise he has a super cool, supportive girlfriend. You're allowed express your worries regarding him staying longer, telling him it'll be hard for you but you don't want him to miss out, and he'll likely respect that.

As for cheating, he can do that anytime over here if he wants. There's nothing you or any of us can do to stop partners cheating if they're that way inclined. You can, however, push them towards doing so by suffocating or restricting them.

Even if the relationship isn't going to work out, similarly, because your insecurities turned out to be true (sounds extremely unlikely given the evidence btw), then that's the way it is and better it happens now than years down the line when it's way more serious and kids etc are involved. It's okay to get worried and insecure at times, happens to us all, but you can't let those feelings control your life and have to let life happen, even if it feels scary to cut the chord and do so.

BetsyEllen

Excellent post rcarroll - very well written.

LegacyUser

I have no intention of stopping him from going or making his life difficult for doing so. He deserves this trip with his friends, and I know the way I'm thinking is selfish.
I went shopping with him for holiday clothes yesterday evening after work and I plan on giving him a cash gift before he leaves.
As far as he knows, I'm excited for him and happy that he's going.

I guess this thread was more about dealing with my own issues more so than him and the holiday. I recognise I'm being unreasonable.

I'll try to raise my concerns to him without sounding accusatory or like a guilt trip. I think I may also go back to my doctor to discuss medicating my anxiety again... I've been extremely anxious in general lately and I think that this holiday was the straw that broke the camels back. If it wasn't the holiday I think something else might have set me off.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. I think I just may have needed to be talked down.

elefant

SadGirl101 wrote: »

I didn't want to say it in my OP but I had no worries about this trip till I mentioned to some colleagues that he was going, and I was inundated with stories about how Thai women are irresistible and so beautiful, and would make even the most committed men stray. They all seemed to know a story of a friend of a friend whose marriage/relationship broke down when the man, who had previously been 100% faithful, went on a lads holiday there and ended up cheating. It has terrified me.

Jesus. Your colleagues sound like absolute weapons.

Don't mind them.

GingerLily

elefant wrote: »

Jesus. Your colleagues sound like absolutes weapons.

Don't mind them.

Completely agree, what toxic people to work with

BetsyEllen

SadGirl101 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies.

In regard to being suffocated by each other, I will say we're both very independent people. We both go away for long weekends with our respective groups of friends at least twice a year, we both have a hobby that gets us out of the house alone once a week. We both also make a huge effort to meet up with our friends at a minimum of once a week - him more so than me.

I didn't want to say it in my OP but I had no worries about this trip till I mentioned to some colleagues that he was going, and I was inundated with stories about how Thai women are irresistible and so beautiful, and would make even the most committed men stray. They all seemed to know a story of a friend of a friend whose marriage/relationship broke down when the man, who had previously been 100% faithful, went on a lads holiday there and ended up cheating. It has terrified me.

As for the trip to the states, its set in stone, we have dates picked, I have time booked off work. We were just waiting till September to book flights but seeing as he's only coming home at the start of that month there's no way he'll have the money.

If he is the type of person to be unfaithful then he will do it regardless of the country he is in and how beautiful the women are.
You've trusted him up until now and you've no reason to change this.

However the bit I've highlighted in bold would be my concern.
If he is going to cancel this trip with you because he won't be able to afford it, I would be super p!ssd off.
I'm surprised you haven't discussed it with him though - I find it strange that this wasn't the first topic of conversation that came up when he said he wanted to go to Thailand.

rcarroll

Are you worried more about his commitment to the relationship? Because if my boyfriend had planned a trip with me, then ditched me to go with his friends, I'd start to wonder...

groovyg

Op a month is nothing when travelling, he won't be long off the plane when he'll back on to come home.
As for your co workers bile about Thai women being beautiful and irresistible, if he was going to cheat he wouldn't need to go to Thailand to do it, there are some beautiful irresistible women in Ireland too if they opened their eyes.
You do need to check with him whats happening with yer own holiday to the US

Tigger99

elefant wrote: »

Jesus. Your colleagues sound like absolute weapons.

Don't mind them.

And I definitely wouldn't be telling them anything about your personal life in future. Horrible people altogether.

LegacyUser

Our own holiday was the first thing I brought up as it happens, and he was adamant we'll still be going.
However, he had to take some unpaid leave for this holiday so he'll be tight for cash when he comes home. We had planned on booking flights in September but I can see him either wanting to put booking off for another while or move the dates to later next year to have more time to get money together. Both of which will annoy me. But I am certain he won't back out and we'll end up going. I'll just be angry if its put off because of this holiday.

As for my colleagues, I know they're just winding me up and trying to get a rise out of me. I regret telling them now. Today I had a few lovely stories about friends of friends using prostitutes and ladyboys and suggesting my OH (who they have never met) has an ulterior motive for wanting to go on the trip. Obviously not the case but its not what I needed to hear either.

via4

My sisters partner was away working for seven months in another country a month is nothing he be back before you realise

IvoryTower

I wouldn't call booking a few days off after christmas a holiday set in stone...i'm sure a quick bit of budgeting and you could figure out if its possible, could maybe move it back a couple of months etc

Tigger99

I would be worried that he's acting like he's single. I don't mean in terms of your fear that he'll cheat, but that he'll have hardly any money or indeed holidays left after this trip, to do stuff with you, like you don't feature in his plans. I just think it's hugely inconsiderate.

Also what makes you so reluctant to raise these issues with him for fear of looking crazy? Surely you should feel comfortable raising concerns with him about the US holiday on particular.

Are you happy with the rest of your relationship apart from this?

rcarroll

Booking time off specifically to go on a holiday is not planning a holiday? I dunno how it works with your job but if I booked time off for a specific reason, I would consider that a definite plan. It's also not a hop down the country for a few days away, it has to be arranged in advance, which from her perspective, it had been....

I'd be with Tigger99 on this one - the fact that you or the holiday you had planned as a couple doesn't feature in his plans would be to me very inconsiderate and not the behaviour of a partner. I had that happen to me in my early 20's and it was the start of the end..I certainly would expect someone a bit older to have more cop on

IvoryTower

I didn't say it wasn't planning a holiday, i just wouldnt call something set in stone when it's next year and nothing is booked. They're closer to just talking about the holiday than it being set in stone.

And yknow, they could just talk about it and see what he actually thinks

rcarroll

it's after Christmas, which is just 6 moths away. It's not booked as they were waiting for flights to go down in price in September but had planned to book flights and had booked time off 6 months in advance..sounds pretty set in stone to me. But yes, I think they should talk

LegacyUser

I've replied to this thread a few times since yesterday but my posts haven't been approved for some reason.

In regards to our own holiday, he was adamant we'll still be going. It actually was one of the first things I said when he mentioned his own trip. We're to go on a 2 week long trip to 4 US cities, so it is pretty set in stone.
Due to the fact he isn't home till the start of September I can see him wanting to put off booking for another couple of months or else pushing the trip back to have more time to get money together.
I've put a lot of planning into this trip so I'll be extremely p*ssed off if we have to change the plan but I'll just have to see how it plays out.

As for my colleagues, I know they're just winding me up but they're taking it too far. I regret mentioning it at all. Yesterday I was told all about the ladyboys and prostitutes and how successful they are at leading men into temptation, even suggesting my OH has an ulterior motive for going on this trip. They've never even met him and it obviously isn't true, but its annoying to hear even so and very inappropriate.

I told him all my fears and concerns yesterday and he was very reassuring and kind to me. I have no reason to feel the way I do so I just need to get it out of my head now. From here on in, I'm going to be supportive and not ruin his fun.

My biggest issue is that I'm struggling with the fact I have no control over the situation. I know its going to be a tough few weeks but hopefully I'll get through it a bit better with some anxiety medication.

Minderbinder

Anxiety medication? Is that something you normally take or just something exclusively to help you cope with your relationship? It just sounded strange to me.

I don't want to increase your anxiety and I do feel your colleagues are pretty nasty, but it is obviously a lot easier for him to cheat on you in Thailand than it would be in Ireland, logistically and psychologically. I don't agree with the people saying 'if he wanted to cheat he could do so in Ireland' and using that as a reason for why he won't cheat on you in Thailand. I would say there is a far higher chance of something happening over there than in Ireland. But it would be far less likely to be meaningful, whatever, if any, consolation that gives you.

The fact that he's putting your holiday together in jeopardy is the most concerning thing in my opinion.

leggo

Minderbinder wrote: »

I don't want to increase your anxiety and I do feel your colleagues are pretty nasty, but it is obviously a lot easier for him to cheat on you in Thailand than it would be in Ireland, logistically and psychologically. I don't agree with the people saying 'if he wanted to cheat he could do so in Ireland' and using that as a reason for why he won't cheat on you in Thailand. I would say there is a far higher chance of something happening over there than in Ireland. But it would be far less likely to be meaningful, whatever, if any, consolation that gives you.

Faulty logic. The point is that if he's going to Thailand for the purpose of cheating on his girlfriend...that's the problem, and trying to control him and limit his movement to prevent him doing so is ultimately going to be a fool's errand. It's not particularly difficult for people to cheat anyway. Making it about how easy it is assumes that 100% of people want to cheat and the only thing missing is opportunity, which is an unhealthy attitude to have in relationships because it gives way to controlling impulses. If she trusts him here, she should trust him there. If she doesn't trust him here, then that's a problem unto itself that needs to be addressed.

evolving_doors

How do you feel about pushing out the US holiday?
I'd say come to a position on that first.

A. If your ok with it then accept it and forget about it till next year. Stuff happens in life and things can be put back. Don't hold it against him.

B. If you're not ok, then ask him has he budgeted for it. If he's not sure and says 'ah it'll be grand' just pin him down exactly if ye are going or not. Who knows though he might be thinking he'll get a loan. Either way, Just tell him you want to know if it's on or not.

I reckon you should talk to someone about the anti anxiety medication. I dunno how I'd feel about my partner upping their dose due to my fun!

It sounds like ye're young enough so I'd be always of the opinion to get the travel out of the way. It might be his last blowout with his mates before settling down.

If you're worried about things going belly up then maybe this is the time to test out the relationship. Rather than years down the line with kids in tow. You're just going to have to find the strength in the back of your mind to say you can do without him if he double crosses you.

Minderbinder

leggo wrote: »

Minderbinder wrote: »

I don't want to increase your anxiety and I do feel your colleagues are pretty nasty, but it is obviously a lot easier for him to cheat on you in Thailand than it would be in Ireland, logistically and psychologically. I don't agree with the people saying 'if he wanted to cheat he could do so in Ireland' and using that as a reason for why he won't cheat on you in Thailand. I would say there is a far higher chance of something happening over there than in Ireland. But it would be far less likely to be meaningful, whatever, if any, consolation that gives you.

Faulty logic. The point is that if he's going to Thailand for the purpose of cheating on his girlfriend...that's the problem, and trying to control him and limit his movement to prevent him doing so is ultimately going to be a fool's errand. It's not particularly difficult for people to cheat anyway. Making it about how easy it is assumes that 100% of people want to cheat and the only thing missing is opportunity, which is an unhealthy attitude to have in relationships because it gives way to controlling impulses. If she trusts him here, she should trust him there. If she doesn't trust him here, then that's a problem unto itself that needs to be addressed.

I get your point about healthy relationships but I feel that's in an ideal world and most relationships ( especially not really long term relationships) would have an element of insecurity, which could also be labelled distrust.

I don't think he's going to Thailand to cheat. I don't think that's the purpose of his trip. I'm saying there is more chance of something happening over there in my opinion. He's going on a lads holiday and he's going with what seems to be mostly single guys. He's going to somewhere exotic where white men (and I assume he's white) are very attractive to local women for a variety of reasons. There will definitely be temptation. Psychology he might think that it's a victimless crime of sorts, as plenty of lads do on similar trips. She will never find out about it and he could be thinking it won't hurt her.

As I said I think jeopardising their own holiday is very alarming, and that can lead to insecurity and distrust in itself.

leggo

Then if that's something he wants to do, he'll do it anyway regardless. I'm not a 'once a cheater, always a cheater' perpetuator, but knowing lads who've cheated versus lads who absolutely never would, with the latter it doesn't matter where they are in the world, whereas the former are going to cheat regardless of trying to limit their movement.

Like, practically, what is your advice here? Be insecure? Do you think the OP should push back against all opportunities her boyfriend has to cheat? What do you actually think she should do with what you're saying?

Minderbinder

leggo wrote: »

Then if that's something he wants to do, he'll do it anyway regardless. I'm not a 'once a cheater, always a cheater' perpetuator, but knowing lads who've cheated versus lads who absolutely never would, with the latter it doesn't matter where they are in the world, whereas the former are going to cheat regardless of trying to limit their movement.

Like, practically, what is your advice here? Be insecure? Do you think the OP should push back against all opportunities her boyfriend has to cheat? What do you actually think she should do with what you're saying?

Monogamy is not a natural thing for people so I would say that part of being in a committed relationship is taking the responsibility to avoid certain situations where one would be tempted. I think people ought to understand that themselves, as it doesn't really work when a partner says it as it invariably comes across as controlling.

I think, based on the information given to us that the OP should strongly consider ending the relationship.

IvoryTower

End the relationship! Ah here. It gets thrown around a lot on this forum but that is taking the piss