Finding it hard to move on

LolaJJ

I was involved in an on/off very unhealthy relationship with a guy that went on for over 5 years. 4 years in I found out he'd had at least 1 serious gf during the time he was stringing me along saying he wasn't in the right headspace for anything serious...but ya know, one day.

I obvioulsy cut him out of my life and moved on. Things were good and I didn't look back, my head was a bit muddled over it and I certainly questioned my judgement on things.

6 months later he came back full of apologies and realisations. He "supposedly" told me everything, confessed all and said he'd never stopped missing me. I was an idiot and believed him. (I know, I know - but I'd spent 4 years chasing this guy). By this point my family and friends HATED him and I couldn't tell them we were back in touch, we weirdly became friends whilst on some level he was proving himself to me - but we never spoke about that. He helped me out with everything, we'd chat every day, we saw each other loads, he NEVER tried it on. This went on for 6 months until I logged on to FB to send him a friend request and realised pretty quickly he was actually in a relationship with another girl.

I never spoke to him again. I didn't even tell him I knew. I blocked him from everything, even gmail. I wasn't even hurt really, just numb, and again, kinda shocked at my own stupidity. That was last Sept.

In the mean time, I haven't engaged with him at all and I've no interest in doing that. But for some reason which I haven't admitted to anyone I still miss him sometimes....or at least the person I thought he was.

My dating motivation is low, like no interest and complete lack of trust and I'm 36. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy and content and I've filled my life with fitness and meeting friends and things are good, but there's definitely a relationship-sized void I'm struggling to acknowledge. Is there something more I can do to get over this?

Thanks

Sephiroth_dude

LolaJJ wrote: »

I was involved in an on/off very unhealthy relationship with a guy that went on for over 5 years. 4 years in I found out he'd had at least 1 serious gf during the time he was stringing me along saying he wasn't in the right headspace for anything serious...but ya know, one day.

I obvioulsy cut him out of my life and moved on. Things were good and I didn't look back, my head was a bit muddled over it and I certainly questioned my judgement on things.

6 months later he came back full of apologies and realisations. He "supposedly" told me everything, confessed all and said he'd never stopped missing me. I was an idiot and believed him. (I know, I know - but I'd spent 4 years chasing this guy). By this point my family and friends HATED him and I couldn't tell them we were back in touch, we weirdly became friends whilst on some level he was proving himself to me - but we never spoke about that. He helped me out with everything, we'd chat every day, we saw each other loads, he NEVER tried it on. This went on for 6 months until I logged on to FB to send him a friend request and realised pretty quickly he was actually in a relationship with another girl.

I never spoke to him again. I didn't even tell him I knew. I blocked him from everything, even gmail. I wasn't even hurt really, just numb, and again, kinda shocked at my own stupidity. That was last Sept.

In the mean time, I haven't engaged with him at all and I've no interest in doing that. But for some reason which I haven't admitted to anyone I still miss him sometimes....or at least the person I thought he was.

My dating motivation is low, like no interest and complete lack of trust and I'm 36. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy and content and I've filled my life with fitness and meeting friends and things are good, but there's definitely a relationship-sized void I'm struggling to acknowledge. Is there something more I can do to get over this?

Thanks

Don't give this muppet another thought please, you had a really lucky escape, he has shown his true colors, he's a liar and a cheat, keep doing what your doing and you will meet someone. Maybe some counselling would help you?

Airyfairy12

When I split from my womanizing, abusive ex I missed him too. Despite everything wrong with him there was something about him you really liked, maybe you had fun together or good conversation, something about your personalities clicked and thats whats youre missing its also so rare to come across someone that gives you that spark, it makes sense that you still think of him.
Regardless though he's still a bag of sh!t and you dodged a bullet. He'll never change. Take some time out for yourself to build up your confidence and please never contact or speak to that guy again. The sooner you let go the sooner youll be over him.

leggo

This isn't really similar but the emotions remind me: I remember a couple of years ago, I had two exes who'd both treated me badly in different ways asking for me back at the same time. And I still cared about them both in spite of how they'd treated me, so I was torn and seeking the help of friends for what I should do. I've got one friend who'll always give it to me unmercifully straight who said, "Both of these people treated you like ****. You do realise you can just choose neither and they're not the only girls in the world?"

And it's the last line that hit me, obvious as it may seem, and is relevant to this. When you spend so much time stuck in bad situations, and you're a decent person whose eye isn't always wandering thinking "What's best for me?", you'll care about these people who treat you badly in a way that they just won't for you. And you'll think about them as if they're the only person out there that can make you happy...even if they didn't actually make you that happy to begin with!

So when these feelings crop up, I suggest you try and train your brain to immediately start thinking along the lines of, "No, I deserve happiness and this person couldn't give me that. It's time to look out for me and onto someone who can make me happy." Like literally repeat that (or some derivation of it) in your brain every time the person crops up until they just don't crop up anymore.

While, logically, you likely understand all of it, you're suffering from a case of investment bias in that you find it hard to let go because you've devoted so much of your life to it. Kinda like when you're in a queue for something not that important but you've queued so long that you don't want to let it go to waste. And the cure to investment bias is realising that the opposite is actually the case: devoting more time to even thinking about this person is actually how you waste your time. Your happiness lies elsewhere, this person only brings you pain. So try and train your feelings to catch up with what you already logically know.

professore

You say above you spent 4 years chasing him. Big red flag right there. No wonder he treated you badly. Want to get over him? Tell his girlfriend what he was up to ... You'll see the real him come out then.

Goltop36

LolaJJ wrote: »

I was involved in an on/off very unhealthy relationship with a guy that went on for over 5 years. 4 years in I found out he'd had at least 1 serious gf during the time he was stringing me along saying he wasn't in the right headspace for anything serious...but ya know, one day.

I obvioulsy cut him out of my life and moved on. Things were good and I didn't look back, my head was a bit muddled over it and I certainly questioned my judgement on things.

6 months later he came back full of apologies and realisations. He "supposedly" told me everything, confessed all and said he'd never stopped missing me. I was an idiot and believed him. (I know, I know - but I'd spent 4 years chasing this guy). By this point my family and friends HATED him and I couldn't tell them we were back in touch, we weirdly became friends whilst on some level he was proving himself to me - but we never spoke about that. He helped me out with everything, we'd chat every day, we saw each other loads, he NEVER tried it on. This went on for 6 months until I logged on to FB to send him a friend request and realised pretty quickly he was actually in a relationship with another girl.

I never spoke to him again. I didn't even tell him I knew. I blocked him from everything, even gmail. I wasn't even hurt really, just numb, and again, kinda shocked at my own stupidity. That was last Sept.

In the mean time, I haven't engaged with him at all and I've no interest in doing that. But for some reason which I haven't admitted to anyone I still miss him sometimes....or at least the person I thought he was.

My dating motivation is low, like no interest and complete lack of trust and I'm 36. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy and content and I've filled my life with fitness and meeting friends and things are good, but there's definitely a relationship-sized void I'm struggling to acknowledge. Is there something more I can do to get over this?

Thanks

Ok. So I was in the same position but my ex was the girl. Kept busy went back to college but couldn't grasp the situation. Worse was I was in a relationship for nearly five years with her. . Any Who the only thing that helped was to understand the person. Finally I found out the term narcissist. Just you tube and all your answers will be revealed. Maybe search Richard grannon in particular. Educate yourself and move on as knowledge us power., understand and created new boundaries. And maybe focus on getting strong before any thoughts of a relationship. Thank me later!!