Lost confidence and anxious r.e men/dating

LegacyUser

Hi I will try to keep this short and to the point. Basically I am 29 year old woman and have been single for over a year now. I've been with guys and have had those brief two/three month things which never went anywhere, more from their side than mine for the most part.
I had one 8 month relationship which I ended as he didn't treat me very well and we were two very different people which was our undoing in the end.
The most recent relationship if you could even call it that lasted 5 dates. It fizzled out from the guys side and even though I wasn't at the stage where I wanted it to be a relationship I was really enjoying seeing him and I was a bit upset when it ended. He used every excuse in the book apart from the obvious one which was that he had lost interest, which is fine and it happens to people all the time.
The trouble I'm having is probably as an accumulation of all of this hurt/disappointment and I'm probably lacking on confidence aswell. I am pretty normal, I'm a nice person with lots of interests and friends. Lookswise if it's significant, like most I look pretty well when done up but am no stunner. I try to keep fit and have a pretty good figure. Since it ended with the last guy I lost interest in dating and guys as I just find it hard to have a positive attitude about something that has failed so much. I guess you could say that meeting someone, while something I am interested in, just hadn't been on my radar in recent months due to this.

I guess something that happened Saturday night when I was out has made me realise that I need to try and be more confident and positive towards men. Basically, I am 99% sure that this guy who was pretty local to me was quite interested in me and out of fear I practically ignored him. If it doesn't read like he was interested here feel free to correct me.
Firstly as I was handing a drink to my friend, he was messing pretending to take it. I just laughed it off. A while later I was at the bar myself and I could feel his eyes on me. Himself and his friend were maybe 5 or 6 metres away and the bar area was quiet. Even though I had seen that he looked nice from earlier I couldn't bring myself to look at him or make eye contact so I just got my drink and walked off. Later when myself and my friend were leaving he made an effort to make conversation again and I only replied something light-hearted after we walked past him.
As I said, maybe I was wrong about him seeming interested but it seemed to me like he was and I would have loved to have been more open or friendly towards him but it's like I just froze on the spot. I feel like my confidence with dating is quite low and that in the back of my head I keep wondering why a good looking guy like him would be interested in me. The more rational side of me is saying that I have lots going for me and any guy would be lucky to have me but Saturday night was the first time in a long time that I feel a guy made it clear he was interested in me and I actually had interest in him but due to fear/stupidity/lack of confidence I basically ignored him. Any advice on how I could ensure this doesn't happen in the future is welcome as I was sort of surprised with myself and how I behaved.

zoobizoo

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself OP.

We've all been out and not spoken to the person who caught our eye and kicked ourselves thinking "what could have been"...

And we've also all been out and spoken to the person who caught our eye and we've started chatting to them, thought "this is cool" and then when we've met them again while sober and realised that it wasn't going to work out and thought "Jaysus, I wish I hadn't spoken to them"

One piece of advice I got a while back was "Do the opposite" to what you are thinking when you're feeling un-confident.

Go over and say "hello, what's the craic?"

professore

I think with your example at the bar you are possibly confusing two separate things. Men, especially good looking men as you describe this guy, in a bar, are looking for a short term thing generally. This doesn't mean they would be interested in a relationship, in fact the opposite is mostly true. This guy is enjoying playing the field with his looks. I have a friend like this, women tell me about my friend who is "lovely". This friend has slept with hundreds of women over the years, and continues to do so while married with 4 kids.

If you want an actual relationship that will work, then you would be better off meeting guys outside a bar setting, where you have a much better chance of them liking you for who you are. There should be some physical attraction but looks alone are a terrible way to choose a partner

Xterminator

Men, especially good looking men as you describe this guy, in a bar, are looking for a short term thing generally.

i don't agree with this at all. Both men and women may enjoy casual relationships at certains tages in their lives. and some people never grow out of that stage. But most men, and all good looking men? give me a break.

OP if you think you need a break from dating then you probably do. take a break, concentrate that energy on a hobby and enjoy life.

OP you come across to me as a little passive. and i understand your confidence is low, but you will not build your confidence letting opportunities pass you by, then kicking yourself after. Decide now, that next time you see an opportunity like the flirting in the bar, that you will let go your inhibitions and see where it goes. And then afterwards you can say to yourself, you gave it a shot regardless of the outcome.
And you will get better at being that more outgoing version of yourself if you practise it.

leggo

Yeah disagree with the generalisation. I think I'm like most men in that I don't even think enough about it to know what I'm looking for when I'm out. If someone came along and blew me away, I could absolutely be open to a relationship. I could think I'm open for one, meet someone and wake up the next morning and never want to see them again. Or I could just be looking for the ride. The only 'type' of men that are definitely, 100% just looking for the ride tend to be taken men who cheat. The rest are just going with the flow.

As for what you can do OP, it's easy: just talk back. Your situation is nothing you can beat yourself up for, you're actually in a good place as the problem isn't that you're not getting any attention or anything and the solution is straightforward. You don't have to be a master seductress or anything, just have a chat with someone if they start talking to you, and if it clicks it clicks, if it doesn't oh well.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

29 is a tricky age.


I remember when i was 29 I seemed to be surrounded by everyone getting engaged and moving forward with their partners. I was in a different situation to yours - i was in a bad longterm relationship that i wanted to leave but starting again seemed so daunting.

My point is - maybe you are going to the big serious commitment place in your head before you even get to know someone. This can really be overwhelming. No matter what your age or circumstances you cannot skip or rush the getting to know someone phase.

If you are out dating / flirting / talking to men all you should be weighing up is whether you want to see them again / keep flirting / keep talking. With regards to the guy you mentioned, yes it sounds like he was interested in flirting or chatting but whether that developed is impossible to tell.

My advice is to lighten up. Take every conversation as just a conversation and a chance to chat to a stranger and have a harmless flirt. Chatting to random men is fun and one of the best things about being single. You don't need to worry about a suitable match, a bit of banter is not a commitment. Take every date as a chance to go out and find about someone else's life and enjoy the interaction.

In short, you may aswell enjoy the benefits of being carefree and single because it won't last forever.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies, I probably built it all up in my head to be a much bigger deal than it really is. I actually forgot to mention that I'm pretty sure he is a first cousin of two of my friends as they were talking to him earlier on that night and they mentioned something about the guy who he was with who I know from seeing around aswell. Plus they have the same second name so it's highly likely.
Maybe the fact that he is related to my friends made me even more self conscious and anxious about talking to him or even giving him the opportunity to talk to me. As I felt him looking at me I kept thinking to myself there is no point in talking to him. He obviously knows the girls from somewhere, nothing will come of us talking and even if it does he will probably be the one to end up not interested like every other guy I've been with except for two who were almost obsessively interested in me. And the fact that they know him makes it a bit more embarrassing for me if this happens.
Writing it down here seems crazy but that's honestly what was going through my head when he was looking at me across the bar and when he tried to make conversation as we were leaving. I would love a relationship with the right person more than anything but I lack so much confidence because of guys normally ending it after a while that I have actually ended up quite anxious about it. Being honest I am sort of kicking myself for not being normal and friendly. Maybe it would have been easier if he wasn't related to friends but I felt the risk of maybe being rejected by someone at some point outweighed the benefits of actually having an easy going chat. It sounds so stupid writing it here because maybe all it would have been was a conversation but in my head all I could think was he is going to reject me at some point so why bother.
I would consider myself pretty confident and together in other areas of my life but this anxiety has really just developed since it ended with the last guy so it has come out of nowhere.