Family, substance abuse and drug dealing, what can I do?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read

I'll try to keep this as on point as possible. Basically i'm the eldest of three siblings, 12 years between myself and the youngest(sister) and 5 years between me and my brother. My parents are a long time separated and I have no relationship with my dad out of choice as he's not a good person. My sister has a different dad, who died many years ago. My mum is an alcoholic. So basically I was away for a couple of years and now back home just under a year and a half. My mam was sober for 3 years before I left, but had a relapse just before which nearly resulted in me staying. Anyways, I went. So I though my mum had gone back on the wagon but this is not the case. I return home and things are worse than ever, not just with my mums drinking though. So basically my brother is dealing and taking drugs. My younger sister is also involved in drugs, going to festival etc.

When I got home I stayed at the homeplace for a while, but I wasn't much in the way of support as I ended up going through a really bad breakup, had health issues I was dealing with, where I had to have surgery when I was away. My family and my brothers peers/girlfriend are like this little click the way they've started going on and my mother is purposely all over my brothers gf and does it right in front of me as if to hurt me, it's like an episode of mean girls. This girl is 28 and a complete waster, she is a terrible influence on my teenage sister and likes to act as if there peers. Everyone in the house smokes weed. They give me sister weed. I know my brother has supplied my sister with other drugs. My mam knows what goes on, I have no doubt in my mind about this.

The way they treat me and speak to me is nothing short of disgusting. My mother referred to me as "the runt" of the group a couple of weeks back to my brothers friend. I haven't really brought this up with them, as I haven't been in the best place mentally or emotionally myself. I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up when I was living there. Things came to a bit of a head this weekend but not much, when I said it to my sister about the drugs as a message popped up on my screen from her friend about "where's the rest of the coke". She did nothing only abuse me and called me a psycho, a nut job that I love to fight and love the drama. That I make things up in my head. To say she really hurt me is an understatement. I have always been there for my sister and my brother. I can't believe the level of disrespect and the way they treat me.

I'm constantly been asked for money for this or to help with that, for tickets to festivals. I have helped my sister out and she was supposed to have money towards them and it never happened. I found messages back and forward from her and my brother basically saying i'm a fool, i'm a nutjob. My brother was like what is she whinging about now. I can get over all this despite the fact i'm absolutely heartbroken. What's really killing me is the state of my family, my little bro and sis being wrapped up in drugs, and my mam drinking/smoking weed. I don't know what I can do I really don't. I feel tremendous guilt for going away in the first place and think maybe something would have been different for my sister if I had of stayed. She's the real victim in all of this. I'm due to go away again in a few weeks and honestly don't know if I can go through with it.

I used to pull my mam up on her drinking, what was happening in the house etc and try and do what I could, but I just feel worn down and like i'm outnumbered. I feel like i'll be met with a backlash and can even envision my brothers gf getting involved, she thinks she's entitled to an opinion, even though she barely knows me and is only seeing my brother less than two years. She's a complete user and is happy once her lifestyle/drug habit is being funded. If you met her you'd think she's a lovely girl, she's stunning, from a good family etc.

They do spiteful things all the time. Like my backpack (for going away) was in the house under the stairs the last few months. My brother had used it a few times for festivals. I was down in the house the other day and no sign of it. I had mentioned I may need it soon for going away. My mam reckons she never seen it, doesn't know what it looks like. I asked my brother where it was over the phone and was met with the usual torrent of abuse "Well you don't f***n live here,so it's probably in the attic, we're not just going to leave your stuff lying around the hall" This type of thing is a regular occurrence and i'm sure it's designed to push my buttons to make me look like the "''psycho" they keep saying I am. I've been seeing a counsellor and she does believe my mam is somewhere in the Narcissistic Personality bracket. I really don't know what to do, i've had really bad insomnia lately and even got dizzy spells from the stress of the weekend yesterday. I'm normally a very strong person and hate feeling this week. I just wish I could help them.

Another day

Walk away. Don't let them suck the life out of you. Currently there is nothing you can do as they are not prepared to listen. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and deep down you know you need to cut ties. Go away and stay away for a few years. Maybe by then they will have copped on.

Fakediamond

It sounds like they're all feeding off each other at the moment and no-one sounds ready to deal with their addictions. Although you haven't said how old your sister is, I gather she's an adult now.

I think you have to save yourself at this point. They're turning on you because you disapprove of their lifestyle and they don't like that. They're caught up in addiction and you're like the party pooper, who doesn't "get" it.

If you think there is a glimmer of hope for your sister, and you're willing to stay involved, let her know you'll be there for her if she ever wants to get clean and sober and that you'll help her to make a fresh start. I don't think there's much more you can do right now. I wouldn't put my life on hold in the vain hope that you can improve their situation, one of them has to make the first move and actually want to change.

LegacyUser

In fact the best thing you could do is once you leave the area is ring the guards on Confidential Line - 1800 666111 and report your brother for drug dealing and tell them their are drugs at this address ( give your mothers address).
My feeling is that getting the guards involved might get your brother out of the house and away from your sister and mother.

You stayed at home in the past and did your best to help your mother out. She could have made the effort to stay off the drink but chose not to. Meanwhile your brother is making money selling drugs and giving your mother and sister drugs.

The reality is you have a good head on your shoulders. You left home and dealt with things on your own. Why should you stay to help them out when it is already effecting your health? It would be different if your mother was going to AA and kicked your brother out of the house due to the drug dealing. I know people who can go though a bad patch for any number of reasons. They can reach out, say I need help and be willing to work on improving their lives but your mother, sister or brother are doing nothing in this regard.

My advice is get your rucksack from the house and wash it out with water and bleach. Also check to it to make sure you brother left no drugs or tablets in it.
You need to start making plans to walk away from them and don't let them know when your going or where you are going to.
Once you get away ring the guards and let them deal with your brother.

Paddy Cow

In many families there is often a "black sheep" ie someone who goes off the rails and makes poor life choices. In your family you are a reverse black sheep. You are the only one not on drink/drugs and making crap choices and your family resent you for this and are doing their best to drag you down to their level.

As much as it hurts, you cannot save them. You can only save yourself. Go away and don't feel guilty. Build a decent life for yourself and if your brother and sister ever get to the stage where they want to change, then you can help them.

They are treating you like absolute crap and you can stay and try to "fix" them but I guarantee that all that will happen is that your mental health will suffer and they won't feel any guilt about it. They would only be delighted if you started drinking/doing drugs and they would see it as you falling off your high horse :rolleyes:

Take care of yourself first and foremost because it's obvious that neither your mother or siblings have your best interests at heart. You may feel like you are turning your back on your family but you owe it to yourself to make a life where you will meet someone and start a family of your own, who will love and appreciate you. We all have strong ties to our parents and siblings but at some stage we start our own families. In "normal" families, this just happens and the family unit becomes an extended unit. In dysfunctional families it can be very hard as there is a lot of guilt/resentment and emotional bullsh!t.

You sound like a mature person but if you stay in your current situation I can see your mental health suffering and you may go down a bad road yourself. Again I say, do yourself a favour and leave.

leggo

Yeah, if your sister is over 18 now, there's nothing you can do for her beyond letting her know you're there if she needs. Aside from that it's time to cut the chord. Your family sees you and, in all of your sense and maturity, you're reflecting their bad decisions back onto them and they're projecting the loathing they have for themselves onto you. They don't want help. You're not going to be able to get them help until they do. All that will happen is that they will drag you down piece by piece.

Walk away and don't feel bad about it. You've done what you can and just being the outlier who actually got out of this situation with some sense is a tremendous achievement. You may never get thanked for caring, you may never get them reaching out and realising they were wrong, you need to make peace with that and focus on yourself. Don't give them any more loans. Tell them you can deal with them again if they clean themselves up, maybe even give them a resource to do so if they need it, then be done with it. They might not have a chance at a good life, but you do, don't waste it trying to salvage something beyond saving.

nikkibikki

If your sister is under 18, report the situation to TUSLA and they will intervene hopefully before it's too late for her. The rest are adults, you can't control their behaviour. You've enough going on in your own life. Report them to the guards if you want to.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for all the replies. My sister has just turned 19. I'm not going to call the guards on my own family. I just couldn't do that. It's very hard to walk away and do nothing. The joys of unconditional love.