Scared to be on my own.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to hear anyone's similar experience and if and how they go through it. My OH has left and I am in a lot of pain over it. It does seem for me like I'm a complete failure all I see around me are happy couples, friends getting married and having kids and I'm living an absolute nightmare. And at 36 too being a woman I am getting unwelcome comments oh we must fix you up with xx as if it's a curse at my age to be alone. Yes I would not like to end up alone but I certainly don't want other people to perpetuate the notion that I have to desperately go seeking someone else. I hate that I will have to start again and actually trust someone which seems impossible right now.

I am trying to stay positive and really be very rational about the fact that it clearly wasn't working. My ex was abusive and to make matters worse he denies any of it ever happened. He physically hurt me, but the emotional hurt was the worst. He called me every name under the sun after stupid arguments were sparked over nothing, he would misinterpret something but would not back down when I tried to explain it wasn't what I meant, or if I did something not in the particular way he wanted it done around the house, or in any situation. I used to hurry back from work in time to have things in order before he came back in case he'd blow up over the washing not being done or whatever it was. Won't go into details but it was horrendous. And I don't understand why I'm so devastated it's over. I think because he has manipulated it so if I hadn't done this, that or the other he wouldn't be going. And what he means is me crying and begging him to stop hurting me. That's all I ever asked. It was crazy. He said that was me being abusive, asking him to stop hurting me. He said that's why he's leaving it was 'nagging' for me to be crying and saying I wish he wouldn't say those things, the putdowns, the awful overreactions to small things. It was messed up. I would shake when he got angry. I'm ashamed at how weak I was. He hated that about me he wanted me to fight back equally as hard. He hated that I would cry.

I always tried to get him to show me clearly what I was doing wrong so I would know. I am open to criticism if it was not aggressive and derogatory. I always wanted things to work. But he would never explain kindly what he wanted. So I was always on the back foot, never quite knowing what was going to anger him. The cycle was him being very abusive, I would get upset and say you can't do that, and he would just say 'see what I have to put up with, you giving out to me.' Can someone please explain this to me it's messed with my head so much. He wanted to treat me like that but never ever hear the emotional consequences it had on me or for me to call him up on it. I don't understand, what did he expect. He genuinely didn't think he did anything wrong, never took responsibility for the abuse, just waited for me to react (I was never angry, always upset) so he could say look at you, see how can I put up with that? He always blamed me for starting a row, I might have asked him a question, or not looked happy, whatever it was (not to do with him) and he would get so annoyed. I would ask him to sit and talk about us fighting, when we were calm and see what the triggers are to try pause before reacting and giving me a chance to explain but he would get defensive, zone out and repeat 'don't give out to me'.

There was so many incidences I've completely lost track. I didn't stand a chance and I still kept up the relationship hoping things would get better but all I've got is 3 and half wasted years and him just walking away when I only ever tried to find ways to not fight and have better communication. He was never interested and I don't understand why he would stay so long but not work to make it better.
I suppose I just need clarity as I don't know what the hell was going on in this. I want to feel happy and relieved it's over, and not scared to be this age and alone. I look in my 20s and have never had a problem getting interest from men but now I feel like I'm past it and have no confidence. Sorry this is long.

Another day

Be thankful that he is gone! That sounds horrendous and totally abusive. I think you had a lucky escape.

Take time out for you, to rebuild your confidence and find new interests.

You are still young and have plenty of time to meet someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Loneliness is not a reason to get into a relationship! In fact it is the worst as you will allow that person too much power over you, which is what I think happened in your last one. Learn to enjoy your own company, do solo holidays, live life as you want. When the time is right you will find that certain someone who will enrich your life.

bmwguy

Hiya. Sorry to hear your pain. Happened to me earlier this year too. I was in a relationship with an English girl for last few years and we got on great. I started my own business which I can only operate in Ireland (licencing issues) but she felt she wanted to move back to England and in the end it was just that we wanted different things. She also didn't want to ever have children. I am 36 too and it's a bit strange having to try start again. I met her through internet dating so I will probably do that again.

I don't have the trust issues or history of abuse you have so am ready to do it and meet people. Best of luck but I feel like I am still 21 I don't feel old at all. Some people in their 30s deliberately age themselves and make themselves feel over the hill and I think that's a shame. I sense you are doing this. If you look in your 20s then try to feel like you are in your 20s.

I have 2 groups of friends, one from each sport I am involved in, rugby and gaa. About 5 lads in each group. The rugby lads are a few years older than me, 40/41 and they are so full of life it's great. Always happy, go out a good bit, work hard, look after their families well and reap The rewards of life.
The GAA lads are my old school friends and are my age, 35 to 37. They have become old men in the 3 or 4 years since they have kids. Never go out, moan, talk about being old and are generally miserable because they think they are over the hill.
Why I say this is I have moved from spending more time with the younger crew to the older crew because they don't focus on age at all, they, just like me, still feel the same person as when they were in their 20s. It's the way to be. You focused on age and being too late to start again and people's perception of being single at age 36. Believe me, I get that, I get those comments too. But I am happy and dont really care what people think. You shouldnt either, although i know its easier said than done. I wish you well.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the kind responses. I just feel like I'm walking away from a car crash of a situation, and trying to make sense of it. I know he had issues from early on but I tried to understand that, but it meant ultimately me not getting any of my needs met whatsoever. And when I did try to assert them he interpreted me as needy. I want someone who I can be vulnerable with and won't punish me for it. I know sometimes it's difficult to be vulnerable but with this guy it was on a whole different level, his discomfort with emotions etc. He was infatuated with me at the start and i didn't like that as I felt he was loving an idea of me and not the real me. And it was too hard to live up to and he didn't want reality and talking and working through the stuff that comes with it.
He's gone off to live on his own in the middle of nowhere. I think he will be happy at first but will regret it soon. I know it wasn't sustainable but I'm not someone who quits, and that's not really a good thing with relationships.
I hope I can start to build a life on my own. It's good to hear that your older group of friends are so happy and content. It will take time for me to adjust as our lives were very wrapped up with each other. At the moment I haven't even told my best friends as one has just had a baby and the other has gone abroad to get married so I'm bearing this alone, and just told two of my family.
Yes I do look young and I worry that the men I attract when out wil be put off when they realise I'm older than I look. It's understandable, the guys in their early 30s won't want a woman who is 36, not in every case I know, so I think I'd have to be meeting guys in their 40s, and I don't know if there's a lot of those single.

bmwguy

It is unusual for guys to look for women older than them but as you say not unheard of. Anyone within 3 years either way and Yes, there are loads single through break ups or just other reasons.

QueenRizla

I dunno OP, I'd say maybe try to learn to be happy on your own before looking to get in another relationship. It is all very raw and soon after a nasty breakup. Especially as he is the one who broke up with you. 3 1/2 years is a long time to stay in a relationship where you are being abused and none of your needs met and very damaging to self esteem. Be kind to yourself and count your blessings that you are rid of this guy. You will have learnt more than you realise right now, that will help you make better choices, but for Gods sake take time out for now and work on yourself for yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I know you're right and I should take my time. It's more to try and get over it, which wouldn't be fair on anyone I date I guess. But I'm more thinking of just going out and enjoying myself, I wouldn't be ready for a relationship. More about wanting to have something to look forward to and get dressed up, which would improve my confidence enormously. I'll take time to process what's happened and why I didn't end it, just take time to adjust. I have to also become ok with not meeting anyone eventually, because I know it can be tough being older. I put so much emotionally into my relationship I do not know how I would be as to start again. It all seems such a giant waste.

Yellow pack crisps

First thing is: Deep breath. Second thing: A deep sigh of relief. Third thing: A ****ing huge, gigantic, biggest sigh of ****ing relief you can muster up.

Can you imagine doing the things and putting up with those things you did for next 40 years or so? One day in your life seems exhausting, never mind everyday. Everything is raw right now, everything life and people dictate what stage you should be at now is in your mind and your ex and his abusive ways are still in your head and you cant remember a time when you were simply you, right? Forget other people, you have been putting other peoples thoughts and feelings before your own for long enough, one day you will wake up and the sense of happiness and relief of not being part of an abusive and toxic partnership will be gigantic. It is the small things and small steps that set us on a path of discovering the fun and healthy things in life, what you are doing now is mourning unhappiness, mourning the feelings of being not good enough, not strong enough, not the person others want you to be, but not what you want to be. The cycle is broken and for that you should be happy, imagine if you had gone on to have kids with this prick and the way he treated you and how that cycle would continue with your kids? A horrible thought.

Everyday do something for you, what you like and what makes you feel good. Get your hair done, buy something you always wanted, take a day trip on the train along the coast and stop and have lunch in some fun and touristy town. Do some classes that you think you may like and may lead to a hobby, join a gym, do boxing, do things that matter to you.

An the biggest thing: Learn from this, never accept being mistreated again. Always respect yourself and what you believe to be right.

daithi7

Op,
Loads of good advice here, so I'll try to be brief. Firstly, be thankful. That man was an abusive, bully by the sounds of your account of your relationship, you so badly needed to be out of this relationship, for your mental, physical & spiritual health & mental well being.

So that change,(I.e him gone) is all good. But what is slightly worrying is that you start your post by saying something like ' my other half has left.........'. I don't mean to be harsh but why was it he who had to leave?? He was clearly abusing you, and now 'you've allowed him' upset you again and finally (hopefully), by being the one to proactively leave......

I think you need time for yourself OP. I think you really need to examine why you would allow any other human being have such a hold over your self esteem and well being to such a detrimental degree. I think you should seek therapy to help you work through this. I think you may need some assistance on assertiveness and self esteem particularly. Say 1 session /month for 4 months to start.

IMHO there is nothing wrong with being a little submissive in a healthy respectful relationship , indeed most relationships work some way like this. But a massively unbalanced abusive relationship like the one you described is a very unhealthy thing imho, and the fact that you were someway complicit in this by putting up with it for so long , is something that you should address. If you got nothing else out of that last horrible relationship you were in, that may a positive thing you can take from it. Ensure you act on this, by getting the right support to help you work through it.

Good luck OP at, 36 you're only 1/3 through your life, and only just past the start of your adult life, so you've got many more happier tomorrows ahead of you hopefully. So make sure you enjoy them, it's up to you, and only you!!

Bambi985

Agree with the above. Why did HE leave YOU and not the other way around? You say you're surprised he stayed three and a half years if he wasn't willing to work on the relationship - but why did you stay? When you knew - in your own words - you "didn't stand a chance"? Why did you accept this tsunami of destruction and abuse and pain and torment into your life, no questions asked?

I think your self-esteem is on the floor and you need to spend time picking yourself up and piecing yourself back together before you can think about meeting anyone again. Forget your age and forget this man. You're a human being with rights and needs and emotions, all of which were trampled on in the 3+years you spent with this guy. Recovering from that isn't going to be as simple as reading a few self-help books and logging onto tinder in a few months - it's going to be about investing that mammoth time and energy you did in this defunct relationship into yourself. Lots of great suggestions in this thread (I love the one about the train ride along the coast - might do that myself some day!:D) but I'd also add that a stint with a trained therapist could be the making of you. To give you perspective on the whole situation and to get your self-worth back in view.

And also, so what if your friends are getting married and having kids. I'm 31 and so are mine. Wouldn't trade places with them though, I'm living my own life for me and at a pace that works for me. Hopping down the aisle just because society says so is only right when life falls that way, which it hasn't for you yet. Own your own life and make yourself proud of who you are, within comparison to anyone else. You've got your own story.

LegacyUser

Yes of course I'm really looking into why I didn't take my power back and throw him out (as advised many times from my friends), I suppose I really thought I could get through to him and make him see if we just simply worked on it, but he could not see that his reactions were crazy over the top to small things, he really didn't think there was anything wrong with the aggression and volatility!! No matter how disastrous the fight, he thinks I 'drove him' to that level of anger!! So all in all I can see there was some gaslighting and it meant I couldn't see things clearly. It's actually embarrassing how foolish I was. I keep thinking I loved him, but rationally it was probably never about him and about my own issues. I clearly wanted it to work with someone who had one foot out the door so I have to resolve whatever was resulting in that behaviour on my side. I'm no interested in demonising him as I'm as much at fault for staying in it waiting for it to get better.

Daisy78

You are not grieving the loss of him (well in fairness why would you) but the loss of the relationship or rather the idea of it, what it had the potential to be. At 36 you feel that you should be at a certain place in life and when you haven't reached those milestones you start to question and doubt yourself, regardless of the circumstances which brought you to that point. I think it's perfectly fine to mourn the loss of something for which had high expectations of whilst acknowledging that the other person in the equation was very far from what you deserve in a relationship. From what you described above the guy has done a real number on you, repackaged his own shortcomings and frustrations as something you brought to the relationship and which he had to endure.

I would agree with the above posters about taking some time out from dating, if only to give yourself a chance to unpick the web of lies he has spun. You mentioned in your post that your ex liked the idea of you rather than the reality. Do you think perhaps that you might project a certain image when dating that is somewhat removed from the real you? This is in no way excusing his behaviour but it did make me wonder if you are holding aspects of your true personality back in the earlier stages of dating which goes against you later? In any case although it doesn't feel like it now, you will in time be grateful for his decision to leave. A healthy relationship is one based on mutual respect and where one or other person never has to second guess their behaviour to keep their partner happy. As regards the age thing, honestly yes it can be that bit harder to meet someone as you get older, but that goes for men and women. And it's certainly not the impossible task that some would have you believe. I do believe that most people, with some effort on their part meet someone in time. In the meantime it's perfectly fine (and advisable) to mourn the loss of what you had.