Is it over...I need help

flix1

I think my marriage has just ended. I feel numb.

My husband blames me (rightly so) for a lot of the damage to our relationship. I am not an easy person to be with. I have a temper that explodes and when it does, I’m not a nice person to be around. This typically happens once per month Yes with my cycle)

My husband is a moody person, he also experiences chronic anxiety and typically expresses his moods by sulky behaviour and shutting down and shutting me off and snapping at me.

We are clearly a joy!

However on top of this, he speaks badly to me. He calls me names mostly bi**h but also the C word. He also swears a lot and speaks very aggressively towards me. Everytime I try to address this, he justifies it by my behaviour. He only does it because of me.

Yesterday he started swearing at me again and I just lost it. I feel like a cannot cope with the swearing anymore. There’s something about the way he talks to me that feels so wrong. I feel like a doormat when he swears at me and calls me names. I am not being heard…whether I talk to him or scream…it doesn’t matter, it always gets turned around onto me and everything I have done wrong in our marriage.

I feel like I am never heard and that everything that is wrong is blamed on me…this cannot go on. I can’t be to blame for everything

Last night I just flipped after he was swearing at me again. I felt an overwhelming urge to harm myself and starting banging my head on the wall…I did it so hard I have a massive bruise and bump on my head. It’s like I have to let the pain out someway.

I’m not sure if I want to be with him anymore. I don’t want my children (age 4 and 2) to see him shout, swear and speak to me like this anymore.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where to start. I’m just so lost.

Xterminator

Hi OP

you are correct to think that this vicious cycle needs to be broken .
I think an immediate seperation would be in your and your childrens best interest.

lets leave blame aside for the moment - yours/his.

can you ask your husband to leave? call it a separation for now.

If he cant wont leave/ can you leave - do you have somewhere to stay? do you own your home or are you renting privately?

I hope that when your not arguing, you can make rational decisions together for the sake of the kids. preent it in that way. he probably knows its not healthy too.

once you have a bit of space you can decide how to proceed.
Here is a link to social welfare for separating etc

you may consider mediation services (free) http://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/Our-Services/Family-Mediation/
and counselling too.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

dont be afriad to reach out for family or friends for support either. you may need

my advice get some space, and consider what you want to do. ask yourself do you want to work at your relationsip and see can it be salvaged?

flix1

We never really fight in front of the kids. There's tension yes, and talking in a clipped abrupt manner, but never yelling or screaming in front of them.

I'm so scared of a separation. I'm afraid to tell people..no-one would even guess things are this bad.

I feel paralysed. Normally the cycle goes that no matter what he or I do...I always apologise to fix things, just cause I'm so afraid of things ending. I think that's cause I grew up in a very broken family and it's my worst night mare that my own kids would have to live without their Dad....i'm heartbroken.

Estrellita

It seems you're both in the wrong, from what I understand of it. Both of you have been s.hitty towards each other, for what I fear may be a long time. You've both taken the marriage for granted, and lost sight of the people you were when you first met. The name-calling has got to stop, has it solved anything so far? Injuring yourself is not normal, and indicates a bad temper and immaturity.

Where have the children been while all this is going on? For their sakes you need to both seek marriage counseling. There has to be a combined effort between yourself and your husband to sort through the problems, if one says they won't go then it's going to go back to the same destructive pattern that is sabotaging your marriage.

The names he's calling you isn't right, it's disrespectful and damaging. I hope you're being honest, and don't partake in the name calling. No point laying all the blame on him if you're involved in it too.

It's not acceptable that you lose it every time you have your period, by the way. If your mood is that badly effected I would recommend going to see a doctor. You can't just expect him to be on the receiving end of that every month. It's expected that you should feel crappy, lethargic and a little emotional perhaps.. but all out war every few weeks isn't right.

flix1

Thank you for your honesty.

The kids are in bed asleep...it always happens at night. I think the only thing we do well is parent our kids.

You are right...I am immature and bad tempered. I am being honest re the name calling and swearing...it's just not something I do. I don't know what it affects me so badly. I'm sure that I do lots of things that affect him equally as badly. I don't want to lose this relationship...I do want to fix it. I think theres so many things that have brought us to this point.. we lost our house to the bank, we are both working flat to the boards..he works shifts and so theres days that he minds the kids and I know he finds that so so hard. He's such a good Dad...

Wanderer78

Apologies, but I didn't read your full story, it sounds like it's time for the professionals. Please consider individual counselling and relationship counselling. Best of luck, and try not be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you have been living in a pressure cooker for some time

Estrellita

flix1 wrote: »

Thank you for your honesty.

The kids are in bed asleep...it always happens at night. I think the only thing we do well is parent our kids.

You are right...I am immature and bad tempered. I am being honest re the name calling and swearing...it's just not something I do. I don't know what it affects me so badly. I'm sure that I do lots of things that affect him equally as badly. I don't want to lose this relationship...I do want to fix it. I think theres so many things that have brought us to this point.. we lost our house to the bank, we are both working flat to the boards..he works shifts and so theres days that he minds the kids and I know he finds that so so hard. He's such a good Dad...

It seems to me you've both been under tremendous pressure, which can cause cracks in a relationship. From what you've said you've both had to battle what a lot of other people have had to in this country. I'm sorry to hear that by the way.

Have you had a conversation with your husband saying everything you've told us? Does he know that you feel the marriage is at crisis point and nearing the end?

Please, don't evade the issue with your periods. Especially if it has the capacity to drive a big wedge between you and your husband every month. You have to want to change that, for your marriage and yourself. I've never suffered the way you do, but I know my sister has. I think you should visit the doctor to point you in the right direction.

If you don't want to lose the marriage, then be very proactive in saving it. Be open and honest with your husband. Tell him you love him and how this all makes you feel. You want the old you and him back, and that you want to put everything right for your childrens sake also. I get the feeling that you do most of the olive branch extending. I hope he apologises for the names he calls you.

Name calling is like a direct hit, it's designed to hurt you and often to damage self esteem. It's hugely disrespectful, there is no excuse for it. Why does he feel the need to hurt you this way?

Do you think your husband would consider counseling together?

flix1

Thank you so much...I've contacted him and he has agreed to see a counsellor with me. I've been looking online, I want to make sure I get a really good one. Any ideas about who or where I could go to get really good quality couples counselling?

Wanderer78

flix1 wrote: »

Thank you so much...I've contacted him and he has agreed to see a counsellor with me. I've been looking online, I want to make sure I get a really good one. Any ideas about who or where I could go to get really good quality couples counselling?

gp's can sometimes be very good at advising counselling services, mine certainly was, but of course do ask around. i wish you and your family the best of luck

Estrellita

flix1 wrote: »

Thank you so much...I've contacted him and he has agreed to see a counsellor with me. I've been looking online, I want to make sure I get a really good one. Any ideas about who or where I could go to get really good quality couples counselling?

I'm glad to hear it Flix. As Wanderer said a good start is your own GP. Two birds with one stone actually, you could tell your GP how your periods have been having an effect on your mood and see what suggestions they have for you.

If you're both proactive in saving your marriage counseling can completely turn things around for you. best of luck to you Flix.

flix1

Estrellita wrote: »

I'm glad to hear it Flix. As Wanderer said a good start is your own GP. Two birds with one stone actually, you could tell your GP how your periods have been having an effect on your mood and see what suggestions they have for you.

If you're both proactive in saving your marriage counseling can completely turn things around for you. best of luck to you Flix.

Just an update. We have agreed to see a marriage counsellor together. My husband doesn't think it will work, but is prepare to try. It's going to be a few weeks before we can get our first appointment. In the meantime we have declared a no war zone in our home. We have agreed to try to live separately under the same roof once the kids go to bed, as a way to reducing the risk of having a massive row.
Thanks everyone for your kindness in replying and helping me , yesterday was a bad day.

nikkibikki

I find taking B vitamin and evening primrose oil really helps with my PMS. Are you taking anything like that?

You've accepted your part to play in all this. Nothing will improve unless he accepts his part.

Porklife

Your post is absolutely heartbreaking OP. My heart really does go out to you.
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago except luckily we weren't married and we had no kids.

My boyfriend was so abusive towards me. He'd call me c*nt, b*tch, slag, sl*t. You name it, I got called it. It upset me to the point of distraction and like you, I kept thinking why does it affect me so much when he calls me a sl*t or a c*nt. Think about that though. Of course it's upsetting, it's the height of disrespect and the opposite of warmth of love. He should be calling you sexy and beautiful and smothering you in kisses.

Any time I'd try to end things with him, he's bang his head of the wall and go insane. I found it very distressing. He'd get down on his knees and wrap himself around me. It was extremely disturbing. He'd scream and yell and punch himself in the face. I was terrified of him. I used to lock myself in the bathroom but he'd kick the door down.

Eventually, one evening I made a final decision to leave him and it felt like the world had been lifted of my shoulders. I was so happy I was almost hysterical. i packed my bags in the middle of the night while he was asleep and I left. It felt so good.

I know you say you want this to work but perhaps that's just the fear of the unknown talking. You have kids together too which is obviously a factor but ask yourself genuinely if you see this getting any better.

I can feel the pain and hurt in your post and I'd love to just give you a big hug. I really think some time apart would benefit you. It's only when we're outside of a situation or looking back that we see things clearly. You are in an abusive relationship and it needs to stop. Banging your head of the wall in frustration, while I understand it, it's not ok sweetheart. It's so sad that you would do that to yourself. It's heart breaking.

Try counselling if you really love this man but sometimes it's just not meant to be. I think this has gone too far to be fixed. It's beyond repair. Massive hugs OP.

Estrellita

flix1 wrote: »

We have agreed to try to live separately under the same roof once the kids go to bed, as a way to reducing the risk of having a massive row.

Morning Flix. It seems you are both commited to trying to work things out, which is more than half the battle. Regarding his doubts about counselling.. you'd be surprised how uplifting it can be to share problems. A counselling session is like dusting off the stress cobwebs and helps to give you perspective on things. Remind your husband to stay open minded about counselling, in order to give your marriage the best possible chance, it may even enhance it.

Regarding the above quote; if that is how you both choose to tackle it, then so be it. I'm not sure I would go that way to be honest, reason being you're not trialling to separate. You're trying to bridge the gap until you see a counselor, with the intention of staying together.

While giving yourselves some space to breathe, and air out what has been going on is good... I think it's also important you do things together. While we have half decent weather it might be an idea to take a forest walk together, or walk along the beach. It can be very therapeutic. It might be nice to do something that calms the soul together, rather than associating calm time without each other. Does that make sense?

Little picnics as a family (once well organised ) can be relaxing as well, will give the kiddos a day out too. There's any amount of places you can go for free. If you don't mind an entrance fee then the zoo or tayto park might be good too. Take photographs and enjoy yourselves. Even though you say you and your husband don't fight in front of the children, I'm sure they do feel the stress and the tension. They are smarter than you realise. They can sense when their mum and dad aren't batting from the same team.

That's just my 2 cents, but if you feel space between you is better then maybe that's what is best for you.

flix1

nikkibikki wrote: »

I find taking B vitamin and evening primrose oil really helps with my PMS. Are you taking anything like that?

You've accepted your part to play in all this. Nothing will improve unless he accepts his part.

No I'm not...but I'm about to start...It's boots today at lunchtime...thank you for the recommendation.

flix1

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely reply to me. I'm going to do this...I want to fix this so much. We all deserve a proper shot at this. I do love him (well I used to) these days I flit between loving him and hating him. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't but I have to give it what it deserves. A virtual hug...knowing that someone listens/reads...helps it truly does. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

flix1

Regarding the above quote; if that is how you both choose to tackle it, then so be it. I'm not sure I would go that way to be honest, reason being you're not trialling to separate. You're trying to bridge the gap until you see a counselor, with the intention of staying together.

This is just my way of trying to get a cease fire even for 48 hours...I think a few days will help and then we can take it from there. Really all I want to do at the moment is create a NO WAR ZONE. I'm so tired...my eyes are sore and I could sleep for a year. It HAS to get better...I will make this better.
Thank you for emailing your message today...I'm grateful

Neyite

Counselling should help - at the moment you are both communicating poorly and being able improve that communication in a safe and calm environment will hopefully turn things around.

Regarding your temper - as an exercise, have a think about what sets you off. For example, when I was a lot younger, every emotion was expressed as an angry response by default. But through counselling I found that to be the surface emotion but not the underlying one and once I identified the underlying one and had a think about how I was really feeling, the anger mostly evaporated and I could process the underlying emotion - eg feeling overlooked /taken for granted/ stressed about money etc. Now I very rarely actually feel anger. I feel lots of other emotions but very rarely lose my temper now.

One thing that instantly diffuses any emerging frustration for me is using humour. If I can crack a joke or make myself see the funny side of something I usually don't manage to get to 'angry'. That's worked well when its a situation I can't walk away from such as last minute changes when I'm on a deadline.

Another thing to try is to step away from the argument. Put the discussion about X on pause when it begins to get tense, go for a walk/ run /do something else in the house and return to it when you are both calmer. Then, you've usually thought of a better way to phrase how you are feeling /what you want the outcome to be. I find I am better able to deal with conflict if I can take some time away to think and return to the issue.

Best of luck.