Do I end things or not?

LegacyUser

Hi all
Sorry in advance for the long post. I'm 27 and I with my girlfriend who is 2 years younger than me. We live together and have been living together since January 2016. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. When it's great it's fantastic however when it's bad it's very bad. I'm going to call the bad "episodes"

By episodes I mean anything from name calling, shaming my family, shaming me using personal past experiences to try and make me feel bad to hitting me, throwing objects at me, my clothes stuff all over the place etc the above would be what I would regard as the tip of the iceberg, there is a lot more.

All of which she will then put down to stress anxiety or the fact she is lonely or annoyed at someone or something else.
I have typically been reflective, supportive or quiet in these matters however all of this does not go away.
I am sick to my stomach having to deal with wrath of my girlfriend. Especially when majority of her yelling and having a go at me is generally to do with some externality not involving me. Yet I am a punch bag.
I have started to see myself becoming more resentful and annoyed.

I have tried conveying my feelings about this is terms of what is acceptable how things need to change going forward. And sometimes we might not have an eposide for a week maybe 2 weeks but come week 3 we could have 2/3 a week.
So all, When is enough enough? And when so how do I even go about ending this?
I feel like an ejit even written this. The issue is if I have to sit her down and talk to her what next? We live together, we have a lot of things together. I do not have a deposit nor does she I'd say. I am starting to blame myself for allowing me to get this far. When I have a problem I tend to put my head in the sand and figure it out myself without telling anyone else. I have only recently started opening up to my family about things.
They love her to bits and consider her family so I don't think I even talk about my reasons for supporting my decision or even advice.
I look forward to any comments on this

Thanks

zoobizoo

Do you want to stay with her?

Would you walk away if you weren't living together?

downwesht

I think if you read back your post you have the answer there in front of you.
Time to walk/run away from this women.
All relationships have there ups and downs and we all say and do things in the heat of the moment but you have to draw the line at violence.Hitting out has no part of a relationship.........your girlfriend obviously has issues and needs to be called to order.
You deserve better......move on and find someone who respects you faults and all.

Airyfairy12

Get out of this relationship, your girlfriend is abusive. You dont have to be black and blue or terrified to go home to call it abuse. Charities and other organisations seem to only focus on extreme cases of relationship abuse, like severe beatings, possessiveness and control but they never warn people about the early signs and more common abuse such as youre describing in your post. Your relationship is an emotional rollercoaster, you dont know from one day to the next whats going to happen and youre walking on eggshells in your own home.

No amount of stress, anxiety or loneliness gives her the right to hit or verbally abuse you. She sounds like a horrible person and a typical house devil, street angel. Your family think very highly of her so I imagine she's quite charming and lovely outside the house? Abuse only gets worse, no matter how many times they promise to change, they never do. She's clearly got issues with herself she needs to sort out, you have your own issues to work through, like why you think this behaviour is acceptable and why youre choosing to stay with her. You need to leave the relationship as its very toxic.

Sephiroth_dude

Leave, as others have said its an abusive relationship, could you maybe move home for a bit? talk too your family and tell them what's been going on.

Augme

Ring mates/family and ask if you can stay at there's for the next while until you can get a new place sorted. Take a day off work and clear all your stuff ou during the day and then be there when she gets back break-up with her. Normally I'd say breaking up by text in too harsh but when it comes to violence unbalanced partners then all bets are off so I wouldn't rule that out as an option. Either way you need to get out of this relationship.

caniask86

This situation sounds unbearable. I can't imagine the stress of knowing these outbursts happen every 2/3 weeks. This has to leave you on edge? This is not a healthy relationship. Regarding throwing things is disgusting behaviour but emotional abuse is also just as damaging. Its very hard to forget when someone rips your character apart which sounds exactly what your partner does in these "episodes".

You need to get out and I would recommend doing this when your partner is out otherwise it could get ugly. Obviously talk to her but be careful. When you have space from this relationship you will probably feel the difference and sometimes you don't realise how bad things were until you are out.

bizidea

Run like the wind my friend in a few years you will look back and wonder wtf was I doing with this person

Ursus Horribilis

If you are a guy, take a look at AMEN's website http://www.amen.ie
If you are a woman, Women's Aid is at https://www.womensaid.ie
I think you could find the information on their websites enlightening.

Kidchameleon

Turn around and run. Dont look back.

jopax

Absolutely agree with all the posts, if you want a happy life, get out ASAP.
Things will never change, they will get worse, if your finding it difficult now how much worse would it be in a years time.
Please be so careful that she doesn't get pregnant & a child is brought into this madness.
Just make your decision to go, don't ponder or wonder what ifs.
You are in a perfect position to leave, believe it or not, no mortgage or children.
Just count your blessings & be strong enough to look out for yourself.
If you don't, you will forever regret it, please just make plans, & up and go.
Don't discuss with her or she will just manipulate you into staying.
Now is your chance, just take it.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I'm going anon for this one. Anyway I was in a similar relationship for a few years. The girl was so volatile. There were red flags at the start when I got a few slaps but by the end it was maybe twice a week I had her on top of me punching away, pulling hair etc. It wasn't even provoked. She gave me a few black eyes too. A few times I woke up with blood all over my face. It was nuts, because if I brought it up with her, it's almost like she convinced herself that none of it ever happened. Or she'd say oh it wasn't that bad, and blame something else.
I'd probably be in prison now if I did anything remotely like what she did to me.

We eventually split up but I'm pretty sure her friends and family think I'm some lunatic, and she's an angel. I never laid a hand on her but somehow I came out the bad guy.

Bottom line is. I know you may feel attached to this girl, but you'll never have a peaceful life being with a nutjob like that. I'm single a few years now since but I've never been happier, you'll thank yourself for getting out one day, even if it's hard at the start. I've gone out and met lots of girls since Ms Crazy, but I still think part of me now distrusts women, some part of me is afraid they're all f**king lunatics. Get out before you end up scarred like me, if you aren't already.

LegacyUser

Hi guys

OP here, I'm a guy btw .

I looked at the website and it describes word for word everything about me right now. I'm isolated, can't talk to anyone and feel like I have myself to blame. And I do.
There are red flags since a long time for now and I loved her so much I wanted to prove to myself things would change but it was externality after externality to be the cause of her actions and all I wanted to do is be a support network to help her. Hope for one day it would change and get better, it hasn't and now I am here with full realisation that it won't. She's at work and will be home soon. She knows the talk is coming I've made it clear from my sleepless night last night and in the morning this morning that I've had enough. I thank you all for your support and kind words and will keep you updated

Thanks

caniask86

Helpmeplease123 wrote: »

Hi guys

OP here, I'm a guy btw .

I looked at the website and it describes word for word everything about me right now. I'm isolated, can't talk to anyone and feel like I have myself to blame. And I do.
There are red flags since a long time for now and I loved her so much I wanted to prove to myself things would change but it was externality after externality to be the cause of her actions and all I wanted to do is be a support network to help her. Hope for one day it would change and get better, it hasn't and now I am here with full realisation that it won't. She's at work and will be home soon. She knows the talk is coming I've made it clear from my sleepless night last night and in the morning this morning that I've had enough. I thank you all for your support and kind words and will keep you updated

Thanks

It is very hard to walk away when you love someone. I am a bit of a fixer myself and I can tell you being a fixer in the long run will wear yourself down. I found someone extremely stable which was a first for me and the calmness and day to day routine and no sudden outburst was heaven but for awhile I was a little on edge because i had been so used that outburst and if I done something wrong I would be terrified but after many times of my husband saying it was no big deal etc I relaxed. That is what a healthy relationship is, respect and love and a pleasant living environment.

Anyway I think you are brave but be kind to yourself it will be a tough couple of months and you will go through the stages of breakup but it will ease and you will look back and know you made the right choice.

Another day

You have described my daughter in her late teens. 8 years later I have a very different daughter. Why? Because she suffered from pre menstral tension. She was oblivious to it but by God we her family knew all about it. I brought her to my gp and asked for her to be put on a specific birth control pill. within 2 months the demon was gone and peace reigned.

Now I am not condoning your gf's behaviour but giving a possible explanation. If you want tgis to work out make it a condition that she goes to her gp. You deserve better....

Airyfairy12

Another day wrote: »

You have described my daughter in her late teens. 8 years later I have a very different daughter. Why? Because she suffered from pre menstral tension. She was oblivious to it but by God we her family knew all about it. I brought her to my gp and asked for her to be put on a specific birth control pill. within 2 months the demon was gone and peace reigned.

Now I am not condoning your gf's behaviour but giving a possible explanation. If you want tgis to work out make it a condition that she goes to her gp. You deserve better....

This is something I hadnt thought of and could explain whats going on with her.

I used to get extreme pre menstral tension, I could be suicidal for 2 weeks before my period, ive had an emotional breakdown in a bus station just because my bus was late and would have been an absolute demon at home. pmt can literally alter your whole personality. Is she taking contraception? Some contraceptives can also alter your moods, I was taking Yaz for 6 months and had to come off them because every 2/3 weeks I would get extremely depressed and neurotic, emotions like a rollercoaster. It could be something she might want to look into.

FreshBedsheets

You are a victim of domestic abuse, pack your bags and leave her as soon as you can.

kylith

While it's possible that it's hormone related the fact that it's happening 2-3 times per week would, to me, make this less likely.

Nevertheless, OP, you should not stay with this woman 'in case' her behaviour is to do with PMS or hormones. You need to get yourself safe, and she can look into medication/changing the pill apart from you. If it turns out that this is the case then ye can work on rebuilding the relationship after she has gotten this sorted with her GP. Some may think I sound harsh, but I have a friend who was hospitalised after his GF tried to smash his face in while he slept; it took 2 people to pull her off him. Get out and get safe, then she can start working on herself and you can decide if you want to try rekindle the relationship.

Your family wouldn't think she's so lovely if they knew what you were going through on a daily basis. Talk to them, OP. They love you and will be able to help you move on.

Dr Crayfish

Stop trying to make excuses for the psycho, people. No medication makes you attack your supposed loved ones. Dearie me...

Another day

kylith wrote: »

While it's possible that it's hormone related the fact that it's happening 2-3 times per week would, to me, make this less likely.

In the op he states there can be a break of a couple of weeks between episodes which ties in (to a degree) with my suggestion.

With Pmt there can be a gradual build up over a week leading to the violence/explosions which ties in also.

OP I would suggest talking to her about the gp, move out for a period for her to take action and start dating again when (IF) she does seek help. You will know quickly enough whether the relationship is worth saving....that is if you want to save it. Your safety comes first so no excuses from her.

pc7

Op how awful, the tension of saying or doing the wrong thing must be horrific. I know some are suggesting if she gets help/one/meds etc maybe you can save it.
I would suggest end it and walk away and never look back. Even if she gets help you'll always have it at the back of your mind that she could snap again. It's no way to live.
Do go to counselling or make contact with Amen for support, best of luck with the future.

Ursus Horribilis

Also, be aware that the time when a person decides to leave can be when they're in the most danger. If you decide to leave, be careful.

kylith

Another day wrote: »

In the op he states there can be a break of a couple of weeks between episodes which ties in (to a degree) with my suggestion.

With Pmt there can be a gradual build up over a week leading to the violence/explosions which ties in also.

OP I would suggest talking to her about the gp, move out for a period for her to take action and start dating again when (IF) she does seek help. You will know quickly enough whether the relationship is worth saving....that is if you want to save it. Your safety comes first so no excuses from her.

My reading of the OP was that there would be a break of a couple of weeks after the OP tells her that her behaviour is unacceptable. If this is the case then it would appear to me like the 'improvements' abusers show after an episode where they've pushed their victim too far. The 'I'm sorry baby, I can change' period before they're happy that the abused isn't going to leave and they can return to business as usual.

bmwguy

I.wouldnt care of her behaviour was caused by PMS, PMT, GAA or ACDC. Doesn't matter get the hell out. I was in early stages of something similar years ago and one night she crashed my car deliberately with us both in it. Left me with some mess to clear up. Lunatic she was.

pc7

Op hope you managed to end things safely (mods not looking for update) and could get away from her last night. If she knew it was coming I'm sure she promised you the moon and stars, don't believe it. You deserve to be in a safe, happy and loving relationship.

daithi7

Hi Op,

Firstly, very sorry for your troubles , you seem like a decent sort and that relationship is the definition of a nightmare. I'm going to echo a few others advice, here, but I'd really like you to do all of the below for your own sake:

1. Leave: explain it to her if you wish, ensure you are safe to do so, e.g. have someone in the house when you break the news to her, but leave, cleanly, clinically and finally. And never look back. Never.

2. Do tell your family of the hardship you are & were enduring to try to make this elationship 'work'. This is important for you, you need to open up about this, it is important for them, they need know how messed up this apparently nice girlfriend/partner really was, it will help them support you best and treat her appropriately going forward, and it is important for your relationships in the future, that this never happens to you again.

3. Get counselling. This may sound harsh, but abusive relationships take two (someway) complicit parties to persevere. Usually the abusive partner, preys on the abused partners desire for compatibility and continuity and other things to gradually wear the other person down to an abused 'doormat'. This will have had a huge impact on your self esteem and mental health, you should seek the best counselling you can source to help you get full closure on this, and so you recover to your natural sound self in time.

4. Be forewarned is to be forearmed: your now (hopefully) ex partner sounds like she could be dangerous, and liable to do anything to manipulate the situation to further abuse you. Remember this is her modus operandi when under emotional stress anyway, so this is her very likely reaction now imho. If I were you, I would have someone in the house on standby when you break up with her, I would warn all your family about unsolicited contact, seeking to get to see you, etc, etc, etc Simply rule all this out from the start. She may also try to visit you at work. Be alert. Try to get away at weekends for the next while and ensure she can't try to 'doorstep' you by altering your routine slightly e.g. visit the gym earlier/later or on a different days to usual, go to a different pub, restaurant than normal, etc etc, etc for 6 to 8 weeks at a minimum.

The very best of luck OP. This too will pass, in tune you will count your lucky stars you got sense and got out now.

retro:electro

Jaysis. Some of the responses are concerning. If it was a male abusing a woman would posters be so quick to excuse the behaviour or would they tell her to get the fcuk out of dodge?
I've suffered with pmt for about 8 years now and have never, ever, raised my hand to anyone. Sure I get ragey now and again but I would never lay a finger anyone and if I did, in my moments of clarity, I'd be straight down to the doctor to get help and would do anything to make sure I never did it again. She doesn't sound like someone who is active in sorting herself out.
OP I hope you are safe and have left her by now.

Airyfairy12

I wasnt excusing her behaviour, get out of the relationship, she's abusing you either way regardless of meds/time of the month. That being said it wouldnt hurt if she looked into it or got some help or counselling. If tables where turned id also suggest the male abuser get help with his anger problems.