How long should I wait

LegacyUser

Im mid-30s female, good job, great friends etc, except my relationship status is really getting me down.

Basically, I'm lonely as hell and sick of waiting for a man. Ive had two serious relationships, the last one broke up 20months ago and I needed time alone which was great and I went on an odd fun date which I enjoyed. 8 months ago a friend of mine asked me out, I was never so excited in my whole life, I had had it bad for Brian for a long time. Brian had been married for 10yrs (no kids) but was separated from his wife for 3 years, although they still share a house and hadn't sorted the legal stuff. Complete whirlwind, fell completely in love with each other, had unbelievable times together, feels like we are made to be together.

Except - 8 months later, Brian still has not moved out of the house he shares with his ex-wife. Worse again, Brian won't publicly date me while he's living there so we have a behind doors relationship, if its a relationship. Twice I told him I was done living like this, sick of being stuck in limbo, feels like an affair, feels like I'm second to 'his situation', sick to my back teeth of the situation being so ****. Twice Brian begged for a bit more time while he sorted all the legals out, and twice I said OK because I'm so in love with him. When we are together it feels like its meant to be. He's a really decent guy and is so incredibly kind and caring to me, when we are together. He has told a few friends and his family about me but I still can't tell my friends or walk down the street holding his hand.

So now its Friday evening again, and I'm crying again because I'm frustrated and lonely. Im at the stage in my life where I want to be with someone, I want someone to share things with and I want a family before its too late. I probably sound needy and pathetic but I'm generally the exact opposite, I just want to either be with him or move the hell on and have a chance to meet someone else. I get asked out often but obviously I say no, because of Brian.

Looking for advice really, how long should I wait? Its easy to say I shouldn't have waited this long but I really do love him and I believe him when he says he loves me. He has made progress and is free legally, but just hasn't moved. It sounds stupid i realise, but he said he'd be gone by March, then End May, then end June...and while he's making steps forward he is yet to pack a single suitcase or find a place to live. Ive tried helping him but I don't want to be pushy, i figure its something he needs to do for himself.

Am I a high maintenance cow if I put the gun to his head (again)? Or am I being a complete doormat by still sitting here alone, while he sorts himself out and eats dinner with his ex-wife.

Airyfairy12

Thats really weird that he's still living with his ex. I broke up with an ex while we were still living together, it took me about a month to organise a new place/deposit money/pack and move my things and honestly it was probably the worst month of my life because it was so awkward still living with my ex but living completely separate lives. I would call bull$hit that theyre even separated or atleast not in the process of trying to fix things, what are they holding on for? and why do they need to live together to sort legal stuff? .. for 3 years? you cant even get divorced unless youve been separated and living apart for 5 years.
The fact you need to keep the relationship secret speaks volumes. The whole situation sounds very shady.

strandroad

I would ask him for a break until he's sorted. With a time limit on it i.e. you'll move on after three months or whatever. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't, time to make up his mind...
I see no reason why he wouldn't date you if he was truly separated either. Surely his ex wife wouldn't care if all they had was a living arrangement.

njs030

I find it strange you say he's free legally, is he living in Ireland?
A married couple have to be separated for 4 out of 5 years to even start the divorce process which can take quite a while so there's no way he's "free legally" 3 years after seperating.

Are you sure what he's telling you is all true op? If his ex wife, friends and family all know about you then why is there a "situation"? And why are you spending weekends alone?

Perhaps I'm very cynical but it sounds to me like he's still very much married and is spinning you a line.

Aspadeaspade

Agree with previous posters OP. For your own good and sanity I think it's time to cut him loose and give someone else a chance..

seenitall

How long should you wait?

Not even one second longer, OP. However, you know that already, don't you? You even reference it in your post.

No man is worth your feeling like some second best, dirty secret of his.

Like others, I would be really surprised if he isn't in a regular marriage and just stringing you along for the ride (pun intended). All the signs are there.

Just move on OP, you are worth much, much more than this waiting around and slow erosion of your self-esteem. You have to believe you deserve better, otherwise you won't even get within an asses roar of the happily ever after you would like for yourself. Not with this chancer, you won't.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you think your future is all down to him? You're not happy with what is happening, so why are you questioning how long you should allow him to string you along for?

You have a right to make a decision. He might not like that, but tough. You don't like the decisions he is making, and he doesn't seem too bothered about that.

Have a you met any of his family? If people know about you, and people know he is separated from his wife, then what's the problem? Why does he have to sit in with her, and not spend time with you.

He's either still very much married and his wife has no idea they're separating, or he's seeing someone else as well as you.

redfox123

Ok this makes no sense, he doesn't even have any kids with this woman why on earth is he still living with her with no signs of moving out? Have you been to the house (when she's not there, not that it should make a difference, if things are clearly over and both have moved on), what are the sleeping arrangements? This all seems very shady and you know it. It's only been 8 months you know nothing really of what's happening between the two, only going by what he says, but not by his actions or the situation in reality.
Stop with the attachment, free yourself, you owe him nothing, your time, your love, nothing. Step back and see what he does. Stop hanging off him to try and get him to do what he needs to do, you're an adult woman and he's not a child. Don't say much, no dramatic or emotional declarations or ultimatums, step away, only then will you see what this is and whether he was ever genuinely serious about you. And for gods sake go on those dates you're being asked out on!!

judeboy101

How do you know he and missus not still at it?

tara73

this sounds like text book stuff. he's using you for an affair/for sex (you didn't specifically say you sleep with him, but I guess you do) because in his marriage he's not getting any or is bored.

I think this is it in an essence. Don't expect he will ever be really together with you, being his number one. As said, he's just using you.

this may sound harsh, but I speak from experience and read about cases like this a lot, here, and elsewhere. Always the same pattern.

ShaShaBear

His friends and family know, but you can't hold his hand in public?

Brian's still married.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, if he has told his friends (if) then what's the problem with you telling yours? He is very very subtly controlling you, as well as stringing you along and playing you for a fool. You're in an 8 month relationship that is being conducted in secret, that you're not allowed tell anyone about and you're still allowing him all the control.

Surely you see this now for what it is, a married man having an affair.

Ursus Horribilis

ShaShaBear wrote: »

His friends and family know, but you can't hold his hand in public?

Brian's still married.

This ^^

Your best option is to end it and tell him to give you a call when he has moved out from his home. You'll be left waiting, I expect.

Rachiee

What explanation has he given for keeping the relationship a secret?
If he is really separated 3 years then him and his ex are room mates basically. So is he telling you that he's going around "pretending " that they are still together or what? If he has genuinely split from his wife I can't think of a single reason why you need to conduct your relationship in private whether he is still living with her or not.

kylith

I also think you've waited long enough, OP. One last conversation along the lines of 'I'm sick of being hidden like a dirty secret. Either we're a proper couple or that's it' to give him one last chance.

I had a friend like you: met a guy who was separated but 'couldn't afford' to move out, his ex wouldn't like him bringing girlfriends round even though he slept in the spare room. Turned out he was not only not separated but he and his wife had a couple of children he'd neglected to mention too.

Heckler

He's 3 years separated from his wife and he's still living in the same house ???

When my wife and I parted company I was about 4 weeks in the same house till I found somewhere else.

4 awkward, awkward weeks.

As for the legal stuff. Its took me two visits and 250euro to a solicitor to be legally separated. The wife got fleeced. She told me her solicitor cost her a grand.

You're being spun a yarn.

MouseTail

The only possible reason for this is would have been if they owned a house in negative equity and neither could afford to take it on, or to move out. However, that is unlikely now as the legal separation would have dealt with that issue.

The only explanation left is that they are not as separated as he is telling you. Either move on or give him an ultimatum and reallly mean it this time.

C3PO

I know from personal experience that ex partners very often end up continuing to live together for long periods because they can see no other reasonable alternative! This is particularly true when there are children involved and the costs of setting up two homes are simply prohibitive. So this is not necessarily the deal breaker that other posters suggest!
However I would be a lot more worried about the fact that the OPs boyfriend doesn't want to be seen with her in public - difficult to see a valid reason for that if himself and his ex-partner are genuinely no longer together!

Panthro

To quote my aul fella "ah now, sheeeite"

Brian's been broken up from his marriage for 3 years, presumably its common knowledge at this stage and yet he's not even holding your hand in public?
There's no kids to consider, he's hardly too bothered by what his ex thinks, and who gives a fcuk in the community if it becomes known his marriage is ended and he's moved on?

Do yourself a favor op and tell Brian you're removing yourself from the picture until such time as he pulls the socks up, gets on with the legal stuff and physically moves away from his ex.
He's making a mug of you as well as himself.

Emme

OP I hate to say this but he is probably still married and spinning you a line. Walk away and go out with one of those other guys who ask you out.