Advice Needed

valleygirl7

Hi,
Looking for some advice on my relationship. Basically I met my bf 5 months ago properly official 3 months ago. He works away so I don't see him for a couple of weeks at at time and then we spent roughly a week together. He is pretty amazing, sweet, kind and unlike any man I have ever met before. We had a talk a few days ago as I asked him about us going away for a weekend and he told me he couldn't as he would be overseas at a wedding and swore to me he had mentioned it to me. He hadn't as I told him I would have hardly forgotten him telling me. He never even suggested me going I wouldn't have been able to go anyway due to work and financial reasons but I was so hurt. Then he started talking about us saying that he wanted us to have a chat so we knew where we stand. He then told me that if I was to move home to Ireland in the morning that he wouldn't follow as he isn't at that stage yet we live abroad in the same country. It was really hurtful to hear, he is also planning on going away with one of the lads for Xmas and hasn't invited me either. I know he has had really bad relationships in the past and he is really afraid of hurting me and of getting hurt but he is holding back and it's really annoying. We get on really well, we have fun, there's no drama and it's the strongest I have ever felt about anybody in my life. I'm just wondering if I am wasting my time, we are both in our early 30s so it's not like we are teenagers. Would really appreciate some guys opinions.

osarusan

I don't think it's that unusual/worrying not to invite a partner in a relationship of 3 months to an overseas wedding. Maybe he sensed it wouldn't be possible for you financially for you anyway.

As for the rest of it, especially the bit about not following you if you moved home...how did that come up? Did he just spring it out of the blue, or was it on the back of you talking about you maybe moving back to Ireland (and wondering if he'd follow?)?

You have never met anybody like him in your life...does he feel the same about you?
Maybe he just senses that right now you are more invested in the relationship than he is and he wants to let you know how he feels about the relationship now.

valleygirl7

The wedding is in 2 months time and as I mentioned he is planning on another trip at Xmas at that stage we wouldn't be far of a year being together but no suggestion of me going. I never mentioned moving home and have no intention of moving it was completly out of the blue. From day one he has been the one chasing me, he's the one that made it official I have never initiated any conversation about where we stood and there is no way he knows I am more invested in the relationship I amn't one to make my feelings obvious. He does make a huge effort with me but he is so up and down as we get closer he pulls away and I know it's because he's afraid. Just don't know what to do, I don't want to go any deeper into this as I am so scared if it ends how badly I know I will feel.

woodchuck

Firstly, it's not his place to invite you to the wedding. That would be up to the couple getting married and they're very unlikely to invite you as the relationship is so new and they've probably had their numbers sorted for a long time now.

Secondly, you say there has been no drama. Giving him a hard time about going away without you to the wedding and arguing over whether or not he told you sounds like drama to me. Can you not just organise another weekend away together that doesn't clash with his other plans?

Did he just mention out of the blue that he wouldn't move to another country to be with you? Or did you ask? Not a nice thing to mention if there is no context, but his logic is reasonable. You're only officially together 3 months (and haven't seen as much of each other in that time as other couples usually would), so of course you're not yet in a place where you'd uproot your life to stay with the person. Although this could have been his way of telling you that the relationship isn't as serious as you seem to think. Maybe another chat is in order to be crystal clear about where you both think things are headed?

valleygirl7

We never had any argument about it and I am not mad about him going away I was just annoyed that he didn't think it was something he needed to mention to me. I never asked him anything about his future plans or any move it was something he brought up.

Lead

I dont get why he would invite you on a lads holiday? Him and his buddy are going away. Why on earth would the buddy go away with a couple? Is he now not allowed go away on any holiday without you?

BetsyEllen

Woah, slow down.

You have been together for 3 months.

Of course he wouldn't follow you back to Ireland if you were to go and as for not inviting you to a wedding that has been planned for a long time, it's not unusual at all.

With regards to going away overseas you say 'I was just annoyed that he didn't think it was something he needed to mention to me' but he said he thought he had - maybe it was just a genuine mistake?

I think you are over thinking this way too much and creating issues where there are none. Possibly coming across as clingy which is a sure-fire way to lose someone.

Just relax and enjoy being together.

via4

He may have had the xmas trip organised before you got together

bmwguy

OP I am normally on the side of the poster but you sound like a stage 5 clinger already in this relationship.

Cool the jets or you will drive him away very quickly. Let him do some of his own things, you do some of your own things and then do some things together.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

Im a girl and know you were looking for guys' opinions but regardless...

I would not worry about the wedding weekend - it is probably just a date in his calendar he has blocked off. Other than that he probably simply never bothered to mention it. I can imagine myself in his shoes and feeling quite thrown and pressurised if a new partner queried why i hadn't felt the need to tell them something. In fact i am not sure my live-in boyfriend has all my dates away for the year and vice versa. It would definitely come up if something else was suggested for a 'booked' weekend, exactly as it did for you.

Hence, your reaction seems quite unreasonable (regardless of there being no row) and this may have prompted his statement ahout not moving country with you. You are coming across as quite demanding and controlling here. I remember having a new boyfriend who would do things like phone me when we had no plans to meet, i would answer for a quick chat then apologise that i was out. I remember his uncomfortable laugh followed by "you never said you were going out." It did not last.

Is there something about this wedding that is bothering you? An ex also attending or...?


Also re the holiday with the friend - you have no business expecting an invite here. None whatsoever. In fact i would question what type of person would ruin his friend's holiday by effectively making him a gooseberry on a trip.

I am afraid you really need to calm down and let him move at his own pace. I would take extra steps now to not suffocate him as he is possibly feeling quite pressurised. Nobody (male or female) likes to feel their own life is getting arranged for them.

You wont get these early days back so please try to enjoy them as they are happening instead of worrying about what is not happening. If this relationship does not work out i would suggest still taking this advice for your next one.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe he didn't tell you about the wedding because he sensed he'd get hassle over it? A version of teenagers not telling their parents everything because it'd cause a kerfuffle? Even though you're an item 3 months, there are long spells where you're not seeing each other at all. So in effect, this is a very new relationship and it's understandable he's taking things slowly. If this was a guy you were only seeing for a month and a half, would you be objecting to him going on a lad's holiday? I could be wrong but I get the impression he had that chat with you because he sensed an intensity from you and a feeling that things were going too fast for him? That's not to say the relationship doesn't have a future. Cool your jets and see where things take you. You're only with him a wet week in real terms.

witchgirl26

OP I've been a slightly similar position to you for the wedding. Myself and my other half were together about a year though at the point when the wedding would have been. However when the couple were planning, booking and sending invites, we would have only been together a couple of months so there was no plus one. They were really limited with numbers so I completely understood. I did end up going but only because they had a cancellation and we'd planned to work a holiday around the wedding anyway. I wouldn't have been in any way annoyed if I didn't though because the couple were not my friends at that point and they weren't to know that we'd still be together 7 months later!

As for the holiday - chill. Honestly just chill. I go away with my friends and my other half with his all the time. Generally we'll just let each other know when this is happening so don't make plans etc but I don't feel after 6 years I have a place to tell him I want to tag along or expect to go. The same applies to him. Christmas is still a a way off and maybe this has been in the pipeline for a while.

SozBbz

Yeah OP, its really not on him to invite you to someone elses wedding. As others have said, this was probably all planned before he even met you and the B&G may only be giving +1s for people who've been together longer. As for him not telling you - well thats a he said/she said situation which none of us can resolve, but regardless unless you've real reason to suspect him of something, why would you not just put this down to a communications blip and move on.

Also, really not sure why he would invite you away with him and a friend after only a short relationship. Myself and my OH are together 4 years (living together for 3) and we still spend Christmas apart with our respective families. There is absolutely no expectation for people in new relationships to spend Christmas together IMO so I'm not sure where this is coming from.

LegacyUser

It's no that common for two men to arrange Christmas holidays or trips together. Lads holidays to the sun, sporting trips, road trips, festivals, all very common, but Christmas, not so much. That fact in particular, but even more so when taken along with the pattern of being away for weeks and around for only one full week, would make me ask, how sure can you be that he's not married?

dudara

Closing this thread as the OP has closed their account.

dudara