Boyfriend doesn't want sex.. how to approach?

mylovelyhorsie

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and for the past few months, noticeably the last few weeks, we haven't had sex. We're very affectionate and only in our mid-20's.

We kiss a lot and are physical in that sense but it never seems to go further. When I initiate, sometimes I get rejected by his shoulder hurting or he's just too tired (even in the morning after a full nights sleep). Since this has happened so much I find myself not initiating because it's not nice to feel rejected at all. We don't live together but do spend a few nights together each week.

I'd love some advice on how to approach this with him. It doesn't seem to bother him and it just never gets mentioned, but it's all I think about. Even though we're both very affectionate, I can't help but wonder why - a phase or if there's just something wrong with me.

chrismon

Ask him.

Xterminator

Hi OP

The lack of sex is a symptom of something. Of what - only your partner knows. and even he may not be overly aware of the effect its having on you. He could be tired from work, be depressed or stressed, it could be something in his personal life, related to or not relating to you ...

I echo the above advice of talking with your partner from the last poster.
Pick your time, You should be not in bed when having the discussion, Don't beat around the bush, but be understanding.

creating good communication habits will last you a lifetime - best of luck.

ShaShaBear

Op, you need to talk to him. 5 years is a long time, and of course things do calm down in "that" department after a few years. But you guys are not living together. You might only see each other a few times a week, and it would be totally fair to assume that once a week, he might actually have a "need" to be with you.
Sit him down and tell him that his constant rejections are upsetting you and making you feel unwanted. That you have sexual needs and you want to be with him in that sense. He needs to give you a better excuse than "tired" - as you said, you can't be too tired after a full night's sleep and a sore shoulder shouldn't really stop you lying there and taking it

Mr. Incognito

There are a number of things.

1. He could be seeing someone else.
2. Could have an STI and is awaiting treatment and doesnt want you to get it
3. He might not fancy you any more
4. He might have a sore shoulder.

However, you wont get anything but conjecture on here. Talk to the guy

redfox123

You need to sit down, outside of the bedroom, and approach the subject saying you've noticed he's not interested lately and you need honesty from him. You need to have the discussion, it's a rather sudden change after 5 years so it's only fair you know why. Your needs are important and he's not respecting that and leaving you out in the cold. Maybe he senses the length of time you've been together and the need for development in the relationship is serious, whatever it is he doesn't want sex to cloud the things going on in his head. Things can't stagnate in a relationship, that's how it dies. Talk to him.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

There are a number of things.

1. He could be seeing someone else.
2. Could have an STI and is awaiting treatment and doesnt want you to get it
3. He might not fancy you any more
4. He might have a sore shoulder.

However, you wont get anything but conjecture on here. Talk to the guy

I have to say, I find this reply really very unhelpful for the OP. As a person who has been through the very same issue as the OP, there are numerous reasons as to why her boyfriend may be struggling in the bedroom, and there is absolutely no reason to jump straight to the "cheating/has an sti" or "he doesn't fancy you anymore" conclusions. Those sort of statements can actually be very damaging and counter-productive.

OP, I completely agree with Xterminator in that issues such as increased stress in work or personal life, depression or fatigue could be playing a role in this. There is also the possibility that he may be experiencing physical difficulties in that area which he is embarrassed to talk about- this is a much more common problem than people often realise, and it may be that he needs to visit his GP to get a few simple blood tests. It may be a combination of issues. Absolutely the key here is to broach the subject with him, when the time is right. It is a sensitive area but approaching it in the right way will open up a channel of communication, giving you the opportunity to deal with the underlying issues head on.

As I previously mentioned OP I have been through the exact same scenario and I can completely empathise with the range of emotions you may be experiencing from hurt to frustration, confusion and anger. Take a deep breath, count to ten. Don't underestimate the power of good and open communication. You will get through this. Wishing you well.

Maggiemay13

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

There are a number of things.

1. He could be seeing someone else.
2. Could have an STI and is awaiting treatment and doesnt want you to get it
3. He might not fancy you any more
4. He might have a sore shoulder.

However, you wont get anything but conjecture on here. Talk to the guy

I have to say, I find this reply very unhelpful for the OP and if anything, counter-productive. As a person who has been through the very same issue as the OP, there are numerous reasons as to why her boyfriend may be struggling in their sex life, and there is absolutely no reason to jump straight to the "cheating/has an sti" or "he doesn't fancy you anymore" conclusions. Those sort of statements can actually be very damaging.

OP, I completely agree with Xterminator in that issues such as increased stress in work or personal life, mental health issues or fatigue could be playing a role in this. There is also the possibility that he may be experiencing physical difficulties in that area which he is embarrassed to talk about- this is a much more common problem than people often realise, and it may be that he needs to visit his GP to get a few simple blood tests. It may be a combination of issues. Absolutely the key here is to broach the subject with him, when the time is right. It is a sensitive area but approaching it in the right way will open up a channel of communication, giving you the opportunity to deal with the underlying issues head on.

As I previously mentioned OP I have been through the exact same scenario and I can completely empathise with the range of emotions you may be feeling from hurt to frustration, confusion and anger. Take a deep breath, count to ten. Don't underestimate the power of good and open communication. You will get through this.

Wishing you well.

limnam

Maggiemay13 wrote: »

there are numerous reasons as to why her boyfriend may be struggling in their sex life

That's the point he's making.

Maggiemay13

limnam wrote: »

That's the point he's making.

You think it's reasonable from the OP to assume he is cheating or has an sti? Fair enough. I disagree

limnam

Maggiemay13 wrote: »

You think it's reasonable from the OP to assume he is cheating or has an sti? Fair enough. I disagree

1. Your missing the point of the post.

2. You're assuming I think it's reasonable to assume he's cheating, when that wasn't the point that was been made, nor was it what I said.

BetsyEllen

Maggiemay13 wrote: »

You think it's reasonable from the OP to assume he is cheating or has an sti? Fair enough. I disagree

Of course it's reasonable to assume, just as the possibilities you've discussed are reasonable to assume too.

Until the reason is known to the OP, she can assume anything and cheating or an STI are probably quite likely.
Just as likely as work issues, depression etc as per your post.

I don't really undetstand why you don't think they would be

crossmolinalad

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

There are a number of things.

1. He could be seeing someone else.
2. Could have an STI and is awaiting treatment and doesnt want you to get it
3. He might not fancy you any more
4. He might have a sore shoulder.

However, you wont get anything but conjecture on here. Talk to the guy

Or like me
Didn't want to have any form of sex before we were married

bee06

crossmolinalad wrote: »

Or like me
Didn't want to have any form of sex before we were married

Well he's been having sex with her for the last five years so it's pretty unlikely that he's suddenly changed his mind now without even bothering to tell her.

Augme

Obviously you have to ask him. But I'd also recommend setting a timeline for yourself as when you will need to see improvement, or at least a pro-active attempt on your boyfriends part to fix it, so you don't end up in limbo of endless excuses.

daithi7

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

The lack of sex is a symptom of something. Of what - only your partner knows. and even he may not be overly aware of the effect its having on you. He could be tired from work, be depressed or stressed, it could be something in his personal life, related to or not relating to you ...

I echo the above advice of talking with your partner from the last poster.
Pick your time, You should be not in bed when having the discussion, Don't beat around the bush, but be understanding.

creating good communication habits will last you a lifetime - best of luck.

Bump. Great post, got it one, Great advice, right balance, tone, everything Heed it Op is my advice. Good luck 🍀