Slightly panicking about first date

Whoopsy daisy

I've been single a few years, was in a long relationship and needed some time out, I've been looking but haven't met anyone I wanted to meet With until I meet a guy on a dating site
He's actually really caught my attention we have been chatting a few weeks and after a few false starts( I kept backing out of the dates)we are meeting this weekend
I'm just so nervous, I don't know why as I'm an outgoing person
I just think being single so long I'm anxious
We live a few hours apart, he was suppose to come down to me last 2 weekends I made up excuses and cancelled both times he was ready to leave things As he didn't know what was going on
So I've told him I'll make the effort and come to him this weekend
He's so sweet he couldn't b more accommodating he's offered me his spare room and told me he's not expecting anything just doesn't want me staying in a hotel wasting money and if I really do want a hotel he will pay for one close to his house
He's planned such a lovely time for us, I can tell he's making a lot of effort and wants to actually get to know me and wants me to have a great time, e.g. Booking tables for dinner and taking a spin to really nice places to get to know each other during the day before the alcohol kicks in on the night out

He really is perfect but it's me all I feel is panic and anxiety
What's wrong with me
It feels like it's too much too soon when I know really it's not
I really want to find someone but I can't seem to get past this stage
Maybe it's being close to someone Again I really don't know
Maybe it's the chance there may be some intimacy that scares me
Omg what will I do?

skallywag

Don't think I'd be offering someone the option of a spare room at my place while planning ahead on a first date. Something odd about that.

Whoopsy daisy

skallywag wrote: »

Don't think I'd be offering someone the option of a spare room at my place while planning ahead on a first date. Something odd about that.

Do you think you perhaps he is expecting sex?
He's assured me he's not but I was thinking after a night out he might change his mind

skallywag

I can't tell you for sure what his expectations are, but pre-arranging to stay at his place on a first date strikes me as just not right, you just know him a few weeks you say?

Whoopsy daisy

skallywag wrote: »

I can't tell you for sure what his expectations are, but pre-arranging to stay at his place on a first date strikes me as just not right, you just know him a few weeks you say?

Yeah we met on a dating site and exchanged numbers
We have been chatting everyday since via messages and calls

blairbear

No wonder you're anxious and nervous, OP. I think it's a dreadful idea to stay in his home. Like really terrible.

Many different scenarios could arise;

You could just not fancy each other in real life. Chemistry in person is intangible and just because you get on great over the phone, doesn't mean you'll like him in person. Then you're stuck in a stranger's home for 12 hours of utter awkwardness, and perhaps unable to drive that night either if you've had a few drinks!

You could fancy him but he may presume that a willingness to say in his house translates to a willingness to have sex. You might want to sleep with him, so then it would be a non-issue, but if you don't, or want to wait, again you're in an awkward situation.

And the most obvious issue at hand; you have no idea who this person is. He could be violent or dangerous. You are voluntarily staying in his home.

The best way to solve ALL of the above issues, is to book a hotel and pay for it yourself. You are under no obligation to this man/stranger then, and owe him nothing financially either.

Whoopsy daisy

blairbear wrote: »

No wonder you're anxious and nervous, OP. I think it's a dreadful idea to stay in his home. Like really terrible.

Many different scenarios could arise;

You could just not fancy each other in real life. Chemistry in person is intangible and just because you get on great over the phone, doesn't mean you'll like him in person. Then you're stuck in a stranger's home for 12 hours of utter awkwardness, and perhaps unable to drive that night either if you've had a few drinks!

You could fancy him but he may presume that a willingness to say in his house translates to a willingness to have sex. You might want to sleep with him, so then it would be a non-issue, but if you don't, or want to wait, again you're in an awkward situation.

And the most obvious issue at hand; you have no idea who this person is. He could be violent or dangerous. You are voluntarily staying in his home.

The best way to solve ALL of the above issues, is to book a hotel and pay for it yourself. You are under no obligation to this man/stranger then, and owe him nothing financially either.

Yes I actually think this is a good idea

Hrududu

That's a lot of time to spend with each other when you've never met. How about you meet half way for a coffee?

notsoyoungwan

Why on earth would you agree to stay in the house of someone you've never even met? You're putting yourself in at best an awkward situation and at worst a dangerous one.

Also, why would you let him pay for your hotel? Pay for yourself, be independent.

Meauldsegosha

It's natural to feel nervous or anxious before a first date especially when you haven't been on one in a while.

However, OP, if I was you there is no way I would accept the offer to stay in his spare room neither would I let him pay for my hotel room.

If you want to meet him, take control of the date. Suggest meeting half way or if you must stay over arrange your own accommodation. If he's not happy with either of these suggestions maybe he's not so "perfect" after all.

bmwguy

Yeah I would be expecting sex if I organised a lovely day and an alcohol fuelled night and the lady was staying in my house 2 hours away from home.

So is he.

What if you have a row or something and you have nowhere to stay.

Book a hotel or leave the alcohol for another time. You are stranded without an exit strategy.

But it could work out well, he could be a lovely guy but plan for everything OP.

Whoopsy daisy

I might just cancel

ally_pally

There's no need to cancel if you do actually want to meet him. He sounds great, people are just rightly advising you to take some sensible precautions.

bmwguy

Whoopsy daisy wrote: »

I might just cancel

Don't cancel just change it up a bit. Get to know him first during the day you don't have to stay.

BetsyEllen

Why cancel?

It doesn't need to be all or nothing.
Instead of staying in his house, which is REALLY weird to plan for a first date, stay in a hotel.
You've been single a while, surely you've learnt some independence!
Why let him pay? Pay for yourself and manage your own safety.

If you have a fantastic night and want to sleep with him, then go back to his then if you wish - but at least you have your own place to escape to though if you don't fancy him or he's a creep.

The amount of guys I've chatted to online and described as 'perfect' to my friends...honestly it would make you laugh! (And none of them were by the way)

You need to cop on a bit here and think about your personal safety.

Why not just meet in the middle for the first date and take it from there? The nerves may not be so bad if you're meeting for just a coffee.

Airyfairy12

I cant imagine staying in a dates house who id never even met in person before. That sounds mental. Can you not meet each other half way and just spend a day together, like meet in a town or city thats roughly equal distance from both of you?

Big Bag of Chips

I think, without ever meeting this fella, you have the whole situation built up in your head. To be honest, the first meeting should probably be short and sweet, with an excuse to get away of it's not going right. That's not to say that if you hit it off that a short meet for coffee couldn't turn into a whole day out having a laugh. But you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself and you're committing to an awful lot, for your first meeting. This seems to be the danger with online dating. If you don't meet up in the very early days of contact, it can seem like you know someone after texting them for weeks/months, and then the expectation is there that you are just going to almost fall into a relationship because you've "known" each other for so long, already.

You don't know him. All you know is what he has told you online. And online you can tell anyone, anything!

I'm not saying he's not genuine. He might be the nicest fella in the world, but if he is, arrange to meet for lunch at a half way point, and take it from there. It shouldn't be a problem for either of you, and it takes an awful lot of pressure off both of you to fill a full 24 hours together, first time meeting.

Meauldsegosha

Whoopsy daisy wrote: »

I might just cancel

Don't cancel, just be sensible. If it wasn't a dating situation would you agree to stay in a strangers house. Probably not. I understand you may feel obligated because you've cancelled on him previously but that shouldn't mean you throw common sense out the window.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should go but be sensible about it. Even if the date doesn't work out, it won't be a wasted effort. You'll have been brave and gone on a date. That takes courage. And if he turns out not to be your type, you won't be wondering what might have been.

rubiesarered

I don't think you should cancel the date but definitely change it.

Personally if I meet someone online I don't consider the first time we meet to actually be the "first date". It's just a coffee/drink/stroll in the park etc to see if we get on at all in real life. Then if we decide to meet again that's the real first date.

I say go and meet him. Spend some time with him in the day and if you both like each other then arrange another date for dinner and drinks.

Tbh I'd be less concerned about staying in his spare room for safety reasons than I would about spending that much time with a person I've never met before with no escape clause!

tara73

can only second all the advice.

maybe one more thing to your own way of thinking: I think you are afraid if you reject his suggestions and offers (spare room, paying for a hotel room), he will want to have nothing more to do with you also. That he has enough so to speak, because you cancelled twice on him already.

but if he's as nice as he sounds or portraying himself via the internet, he will completely understand you booking a hotel room and paying for yourself. by this you show respect and precaution for yourself, as everybody else said, why staying in somebodies spare room you've never met.

besides all this, I think the meeting half way for a coffee is the best idea. But it's also true, if you cancel again, it will be the third time and the,sorry to be blunt, weirdness is in your court then.

woodchuck

There's a lot of scare mongering going on here OP, but don't let that put you off dating.

It's very unlikely that you'll end up in an unsafe situation, but you must take sensible precautions. Trust takes time to build up. As others have said, it would be very foolish to stay over in a complete strangers house the first time you've met in person.

Just change your plans a bit and have fun

leggo

Yeah seconding everyone about staying in his place. He probably is decent and normal, but he probably does have hopes, if not expectations, of sex. Nothing wrong with that but it's not a situation you want to be tied to so best have your get out of jail card as plan A for a first date.

Also, for your anxiety, if this one doesn't turn into a relationship when you're dating online in future, I always find it's best to do a first date earlier rather than later, even a casual thing like coffee or a walk, anything that just gets you face to face so you can see if you're attracted to them and click. You can suss them out as quickly as possible and things don't get built up as this one has. After that you can do fancy stuff like weekends away.

Don't feel bad or pressured into having do something fancy if you get talking to people from a distance because they have to travel: they know about the distance just as you do and, if they're a good un, will understand. You've every right to go through the same precautions etc as if you were dating someone who lived around the corner.

The Princess Bride

It works both ways OP.
There's an online dating forum on boards.ie, and if that man posted that you'd cancelled twice, we'd most likely advise him to move on and delete your details.

Whoopsy daisy wrote: »

He really is perfect but it's me all I feel is panic and anxiety
What's wrong with me
It feels like it's too much too soon when I know really it's not
I really want to find someone but I can't seem to get past this stage
Maybe it's being close to someone Again I really don't know
Maybe it's the chance there may be some intimacy that scares me
Omg what will I do?

It might be too much too soon for you.
I'd be organising a coffee date and not a weekend stay.

This is the 3rd attempt at a weekend trip, what's the rush?
It's no wonder you're feeling anxious.
You're putting yourself under needless pressure.
You've not met, he might be amazing.
But messaging and phoning accounts for very little until you meet face to face.

Take a few steps back and have a think.
You've waited this long, so take it easier on yourself.
Best of luck.

Katgurl

I am not surprised you're anxious, its A LOT for a first date. I know with online dating i alwaus preferred to do a coffee or just a couple of drinks max before committing to a proper night out.

I understand (sort of) that you want to reassure him after cancelling twice but that isnt a reason to not practice common sense. Was the spending the night his idea? What is wrong with getting the train up and back in the same day? Is your reluctance possibly instincts kicking in that you have been talked into this? I second the previous poster who said he could be violent or dangerous. Yes this is highly unlikely but still possible. You need to put safety first, always.

Scale it down to an afternoon date and take it from there.

miamee

I don't think anyone else has mentioned it but going for a spin in his car is also something I'd be wary of with someone you've just met in an area that you don't know very well. He might be wonderful but there is no harm in being cautious until you feel you know him enough to trust him.

mr_edge_to_you

I'd definitely be planning my own accommodation. You may or may not end up needing or wanting it. At least you have the option if you wish.

On a general note, I went on a date like date 11 years ago. It was my first date after a long and very stressful relationship too. Drove up to Dublin to meet a girl on a Saturday morning having only texted and chatted online previously. The plan was we'd just wander around the city for the day - maybe a movie and a bite to eat. Anyway, it turned out to be a great weekend and we're married with two kids now.

But I would definitely have my own place to stay sorted - just as a backup.

I hope you give it a shot and that it goes well. Good luck!