How to get over old friendship?

oldfriend213sf

When I was a teenager I had a best friend from school during what was a difficult time for me. School was a tough time in general and there was a bereavement in the family, needless to say her friendship meant the world for me at the time. We'd known each other all our lives, from the toddler birthday parties right through our teenage years and became quite close mid-way through secondary school. I thought the world of her.

Anyway life moved on, we went our separate ways to college and both ended up living abroad, busy lives on both parts and fell completely out of touch. Any contact we've had since school has been sporadic and pretty meaningless, facebook messages once every few years, that kind of thing.

Suddenly I really miss her. It may be to do with the fact that she got engaged recently and because we come from a small town, I'm hearing about all the plans and what all the family is up to etc through my mother. It's brought all the memories of our friendship flooding back and suddenly I feel like I'm eighteen and mourning the loss of her presence in my life all over again.

I've sent her a quick message congratulating her on her engagement, she replied back initially but stopped replying and I guess there's a world between us now which means we're essentially strangers at this stage. She's not someone who's been good at staying in contact with friends, she sort of floats through life meeting new people along the way and moving on (not that I'm blaming her, I could be accused of being the same), but I'm sort of taken aback with my sudden surge of emotions again and the sudden feeling that I "miss" her to the point where it's left me close to tears at a few stages. I guess it's sort of made me realise we'll never be close like we once we and we're really out of each other's lives now for good. i'm not really sure what it signifies but nor can I shake the feelings. Wondering if anyone has been through the same and has any advice?

Thanks for reading x

Airyfairy12

Ive been through something similar, we started school together and we were inseparable since age 5 or 6, we'd go to Summer camp together every year and lie and say we were sisters, we were best friends as teenagers and had so many memories together, first boyfriend, first kiss, teenage discos, shopping on Saturdays, mitching classes in school, first time drinking was together and we'd hang out nearly every single day.
Our 20's came, I moved away for college and she started a family, when I moved back home I tried to rekindle the friendship but it was never the same, our lives were too different and we had grown apart, she also put very little into keeping the friendship going, like your friend she wouldnt reply to messages ect. Shes engaged too and its weird to think I wont be apart of her wedding, we had always said we'd be each other's maid of honor if we ever got married.

I have also mourned the friendship, it almost felt like a breakup, its really hard to lose someone that you really care about or had a strong connection with, add in all the happy times and memories you really do mourn the friendship, for me there was allot of feelings of nostalgia and coming to terms with how much my own life had changed, how much older id gotten (Where have the years gone??) and realising that nothing will ever be like it was. Maybe your friend reminds you of younger, happier days. It all sounds very depressing lol but I suppose most of us go through it at some point or another.

I feel like ive reached a point where ive let the friendship go but it did take a long time. I think like any lose or end of a close relationship it just takes time to move on.

LegacyUser

I know some people like your friend oldfriend213sf and they can be great friends as teenagers but once they leave home they lose contact with old friends. Some people are better making the effort to keep in contact with people and other people just want to leave the past behind.
I have seen people changing and not always for the better after leaving school.

I had one friend in the past and after we left school I made an effort to keep in contact with her. I was their for her when she went through a few bad times. When she got married she did not ask me to be bridesmaid when I was expecting this. Around the time of her wedding I knew that life was changing again and I was remembering things that happened in the past. She changed a lot in the space of a few years and being honest I don't miss hearing about her life and her complaining about money when they both have good jobs and other income.

I have another friend who I lost contact with her in our early 20's. I meet her by accident a few years ago. We have gone out a few times since then and I am still in contact with her. I enjoy chatting and meeting her even though our lives are different.

I have put out the hand of friendship recently to some one who was a big part of my past. We had a falling out and I won't say it was all my fault. If they don't contact me after this they will be staying in my past.

I think when friendships end or drift apart we think about the good times, the nights out and the long chats. You compare life back then to life now and the plans you had then to the life you are now living. As you get older you get a few knocks in life and you realise what is important and what is not. You find out that some friendships are worth spending time on and some were good for x period of time. You also learn to spot people who are users and you say good bye to them soon rather than later.

zoobizoo

Do you have any other friends from that time who you are still close to?


Are you missing her per se, or are you missing the closeness that you once shared with another?

oldfriend213sf

Thanks for the replies. Glad I'm not the only person who has felt this way and think I just needed to put things in perspective. I know realistically we probably wouldn't have much in common now and I also know that she's not someone who is good at staying in touch, never was and never will be.

Losing her friendship was inevitable really as we live on different continents now. It just sort of stings to see her engaged and to know that I won't be a part of her day, something we talked about a lot as kids - it really hammers home the fact that we are now strangers to each other.

zoobizoo wrote: »

Do you have any other friends from that time who you are still close to?

Are you missing her per se, or are you missing the closeness that you once shared with another?

I have literally only one other friend from that time period, she's the most loyal and lovely person I know and has been there for me through good times as well as bad. I'm very lucky to have her. The rest of my friends are from college and work, I haven't stayed in touch with many people from home. I mentioned school wasn't easy, I didn't have many friends at all and didn't enjoy the place, not that it was traumatic, I guess I just came into myself when I left home and moved away to college.

I still think of home fondly though and so many of my memories are wrapped up in this particular friend, which I've probably been ruminating on too much lately in light of recent events.

I'll just need to process the feelings and get over them I guess. Maybe I miss the closeness too. At 32 I find myself with lots of acquaintances and a few good friends who live in a different country - no-one solid to make plans with really besides my boyfriend. That's probably a factor too alright.

zoobizoo

oldfriend213sf wrote: »

At 32 I find myself with lots of acquaintances and a few good friends who live in a different country - no-one solid to make plans with really besides my boyfriend. That's probably a factor too alright.

It's an age when many of us take stock of friendships and where we are at.

Weddings can be a time when we choose who we are closest to... either by not being invited or by who we do and don't invite as well as who decides not to come.

Ursus Horribilis

oldfriend213sf wrote: »

Maybe I miss the closeness too. At 32 I find myself with lots of acquaintances and a few good friends who live in a different country - no-one solid to make plans with really besides my boyfriend. That's probably a factor too alright.

You just answered the question I was going to ask of you. As I read the thread I thought you sounded a bit lonely. It's nice that you still have these other friends but they're abroad. Perhaps it's time to try harder to make friends where you live now? Sorry if it sounds like me stating the bleedin' obvious Does your boyfriend have any friends? Is there anything the two of you could do to meet more people and hopefully make new friends?

charlietheminxx

I think this is unfortunately quite common OP. I'm happy I read your thread as I've had quite a sad end to a long friendship myself. Im 30 now and was friends with someone from when I was 6 until I was about 25. We had some explosive rows over the years as we were more like sisters than friends but we always found a way back into each others lives.

Around the age of 25 things started to change, we were just becoming very different people, she moved to a new area about an hour away and while I was forever inviting her out with my other friends or my boyfriends friends or just myself for a girls night out, she had started to move in a different circle and the invitations were not reciprocated. I'm shameless so I even said to her once or twice that I felt a bit left out because she never asked me anywhere with her new friends and it was always "well it's not really your scene is it?" or "we all live in the area but I know it'd be a nightmare for you to get home from there". I started to feel like an unwelcome visitor in her life so I just stopped trying. Even though I have a full and happy life with great friends, family and a wonderful other half, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. When I saw recently she got engaged, I felt an awful pang as I always thought we would be each others bridesmaids but here we are, and she's marrying someone I've never even met.

Still, you do have to take stock. Your time and energy is precious and you can't pour it into a friendship with someone who doesn't bother to stay in touch/write back to your messages/make an equal effort. I know it's hard, I don't think you can ever replace a friendship that happened throughout your youth when everything was less certain and deep bonds are formed. Years of cringey memories and in-jokes are a hard thing to let go of. I think all you can do is wish them well and think fondly of the good times. Sorry I don't have better advice but I just wanted you to know you're not the only one to feel this way.

zoobizoo

Weddings are a time when we find out a bit more about our relationship with others.

Who do you want to invite
Who do you have to invite
Who invited you
Who did you invite who then turned you down
Who invited you and you turned diwn

And when you don't get an invite you realise that you are not as close as you thought you were.


I've seen people go off and make new friends and dumping old friends because the new friendships has no baggage.... No bad times, no history because they were fun, exciting and shiny.

They had none of that teenage and twenties drama and were easier for them.

Ursus Horribilis

I had a best friend all through school and as a teenager thought we'd be friends forever. It didn't happen that way of course. We started to drift a bit once we went our separate ways for college but really lost touch once we started working. Although she's the one who phased me out I don't wish her ill. We no longer had much in common we'd changed a lot as people and she'd secretly started to annoy me a bit. I'm sure if you asked her she'd probably say the same things about me. If we ever happen to meet these days we make polite small talk and go our separate ways. I'm not sure we'd have become friends if we met for the first time now.

That's not to say I don't look back fondly on our times together. I'm glad she was my friend at a certain time of my life and it's a shame we drifted. It's not something that bothers me though because I went on to make good friends afterwards and I've managed to hold on to some of them.

RagsOBrien

I think it's a very universal experience OP- it is sad and we feel bad and guilty for not being able to sustain these relationships but life changes like moves, job changes, relationships and different experiences in the world mean we don't have as much in common with friends over time.

I have thinking back recently to four or five years and the friends I had then versus now. Of the ones I was in regular contact with, I would say I still speak to about 3 of them. The friendships either withered due to moves, marriages, job changes or just plain misunderstandings and personality mismatches.

I am in my late twenties and unfortunately, it seems this age upwards is where friendships from teens, college and early work years really dwindle. I do meet new people and some friendships are developing but not as intense or close because we are now bogged down by stresses of work, bills, children or significant others that take up nearly of our energy.

You are not alone in that we are all going through this. On the plus side, you never know what interesting people or person will come into your life in the future and the great memories that have yet to be created.

Look back fondly I say but it's ok to feel sad about it as well. Xx