Is it meant to be this difficult?

LegacyUser

Hey, last year my relationship of 3 years ended. I recently started online dating and I met a guy. At first we met up just as friends (3 times) but it developed into something romantic last week. Since then he has been very demanding for time. We've met up 3 times last week but he's still wants more, even if I tell him I already have plans he'll ask multiple times to meet up. Last night he made a comment about the breakup of my last relationship in relation to how much time I've spent with him, when I told him that the comment wasn't appropriate or in context he apologised but said he had been trying to work out how much I like him by comparing what I was spending doing rather than being with him.

I've been out of the darting game a while but to me he seems fairly intense and I'm not sure whether to walk away. Any advice? To put it in context I'm in my late 20's, he's mid 30's, both live at home ( I'm in the process of buying a house and he moved home when his marriage ended in January.)

Neyite

No.. waaay too intense. More red flags than Chinese new year.

If you continue with this, it wont be a relationship. It will be a full time job for you to reassure and placate a controlling, jealous and insecure person. The comment about comparing time is concerning. Is he asking a lot about what you do in the time you are not with him? Or quizzed you about blokes you work with or are friends with?

He's barely out of a marriage and sounds to me like he's not dealt with it at all, just in a big hurry to make you wifey 2.0. I hope that you are using contraception yourself and not relying on him using condoms correctly as birth control.

Honestly, I think I'd distance myself from him if I were you.

Tell me how

Walk away OP.

He's not ready for a relationship if his marriage only ended 6 months ago.

Even if he was ready, such demanding behaviour is hardly ever acceptable, much less this early.

SozBbz

Walk away now for the sake of your future sanity.

Its way over the top for him to be so demanding of your time, not to mention wildly inappropriate to reference your last relationship. You two hardly know each other and he's already showing himself to be controlling, needy and demanding.

Don't stay with this man so as not to be single!

woodchuck

No, it's not meant to be that difficult. He sounds far too needy and intense! It's only been a couple of weeks right? It's meant to be nothing but fun at this stage!! Walk away...

As an aside, I never understand how people can go from being single to seeing someone 3+ times a week overnight. Did they not have a life before they met the other person

Katgurl

Trust your instincts. This isn't right. I had a similar experience and i am highly relieved i got out fast.

BetsyEllen

Confusedaaa wrote: »

Any advice?

Yes - run!

Block his number after you've ended things as well.

Confused1aaa

Hi all OP here, thank you for all your replies. We've known each other about 3 months, basically just chatting and texting and get on well that way.

Now that I stop and think those of you who have mentioned him not being over his marriage may be right, he mentions the breakup quite a lot, I'm not his first relationship since the breakup though.

He doesn't question me about male friends or where / what I'm doing but does seem to expect an explanation if I say no to meeting him, rather than just accepting if I say I'm busy. For example Saturday we met for lunch, he asked to meet up again that night but I said no as we had visitors coming to the house and I had agreed to drive them home that night, he asked a couple of times and even asked me to meet him after I had dropped them home at 1;30am

Also one thing I didn't mention in the OP which when I discussed it with a friend today they thought it was odd, was that I didn't add him on Facebook, he tracked me down knowing only my first name and hometown

He took some time off work to get over the break up and hasnt gone back yet, so seems to spend his days online gaming, meeting friends etc He always comments about me being too busy and doing too much at work

Bambi985

It sounds like he's desperately trying to replace his wife with someone new, that person being you at the moment. It was probably that other woman he was seeing previously before you. She probably ran for the hills.

It wouldn't be an uncommon behaviour post break-up but screams "NOT OVER THE EX WIFE" to me. Why isn't he comfortable and secure enough in his own skin to not need to shoehorn the next woman he meets into a relationship? Why won't he take the necessary time to be on his own and get his head straight before lining up a replacement? Those are some big questions I'd be asking and some seriously red flags as far as I'm concerned.

BetsyEllen

Look OP, if he's over the wife or not it doesn't matter.
His behaviour (whatever the reason) is not good and it's not normal.

After such a short period of time, if you're having to ask the question 'is it meant to be this difficult' then you probably already have the answer.

miezekatze

Is he maybe bored and doesn't know how to fill up his free time by himself, since he's not working? It sounds very intense anyway and would be too much for me. Tbh it sounds strange to me that he still hasn't gone back to work as well.

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps this neediness was a reason why the marriage broke down? Even if it wasn't, his behaviour's raising a lot of red flags. I'd also be running a mile because of him not being back at work. If he's able to date other women and live what appears to be a life of leisure, then he's surely able to go back to work?

BetsyEllen

miezekatze wrote: »

Is he maybe bored and doesn't know how to fill up his free time by himself, since he's not working? It sounds very intense anyway and would be too much for me. Tbh it sounds strange to me that he still hasn't gone back to work as well.

It's strange to me too...nearly 7 months off work for a breakup?!
Yet he's seemingly felt ready to have a relationship during that time and then start one with you.

Odd.

Confused1aaa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Perhaps this neediness was a reason why the marriage broke down? Even if it wasn't, his behaviour's raising a lot of red flags. I'd also be running a mile because of him not being back at work. If he's able to date other women and live what appears to be a life of leisure, then he's surely able to go back to work?

His marriage broke down because his ex cheated on him. When I questioned him about work he said his job is seasonal, he would usually get another job for the summer so he decided not to this year and just take it off

Confused1aaa

Thank you all for your advice, I just wanted to update the thread. I guess I wanted to give it another few days to see if I could calm the red flags that were going off in my head but I couldn't. He still made me feel guilty about how much time I could spend with him and said that spending a few hours together 2-3 times a week was more like a teenage romance than a proper relationship. Because I stopped in the supermarket on the way home from work he said food was further up my list of priorities than him and when I mentioned that i bumped into my ex and he was extremely uncomfortable with that and didn't think it appropriate that we caught up. So tonight after having words because of arranging a date I finally decided to end it. I feel so bad ending things, he is such a sweet guy and in ways we have a great connection but something just felt off and I couldn't shake that. I've had 148 messages so far tonight, I'm just so drained emotionally from it all, I have work in 4 hours and I haven't had a wink of sleep yet. I feel so guilty and awful, he's texting how I've broken his heart, I don't know what to do

mapaca

148 messages? Sounds like you were absolutely right to go with your gut and finish with him. I would cut contact now, don't reply, and block his number. He is way too full-on and not ready for a relationship yet. Try and get some sleep now. :-)

Steviesol

Yea, you made the right choice, run for the hills, you owe him nothing. The next line of texts will be threatening suicide, block his number and never acknowledge him again, he will find another victim. (Speaking from experience)

bp

Block him on everything and put your phone on airplane mode at night so that is you wake to check the time/ your alarm etc you won't be worried about an onslaught of messages.

He might be a good guy some day but he needs counselling now to help him move on. And he must earn a lot of money to only work summer and be able to afford a whole year off?!

BetsyEllen

Confused1aaa wrote: »

He still made me feel guilty about how much time I could spend with him and said that spending a few hours together 2-3 times a week was more like a teenage romance than a proper relationship

Actually, the clinginess and wanting to be with you all the time is far more reminiscent of a teenage romance.

148 messages? Jesus what the hell...I hope that despite the misplaced guilt you are feeling, you can see that's not normal.

Block his number, it's the best thing you can do.

Katgurl

He is coming across as completely unhinged. Do not block him as you may need to keep the messages. Airplane mode at night-time is a good suggestion.

I have actually dated two men like this. The first one completely traumatised me as a result of me being far too sensitive to his pain. I really felt for him and thought if i ignored him he would stop. But everytime my phone beeped i felt ill. I was constantly walking on eggshells. I only relaxed when i moved country!

The second guy - i dealt with it in the manner below and it ended abruptly. You have to remember this behavuour is about them not you so you should feel neither flattered nor responsible.


I would answer none of the messages for at least two days, the frequency will likely die down but not stop.

Then i would send one message saying "please stop contacting me. I have been clear that i do not want to see you anymore. I am sorry you are hurting but i cannot help you with that. Don't reply to this. I do not want to stay in touch so please delete my number now so you are not tempted to contact me again."

The messages will probably ease off temporarily then start again.

Take your phone to the police and ask for advice.

Respond to subsequent messages by stating you have gone to the police and let them know he will not leave you alone, this is the last request you are making to be left alone and next contact will be from the guards.

If messages persist, ask a guard to call him and have a word.

The above worked for me anyway.

judeboy101

Wait, so you met a married man online who told you his marriage had ended? "Danger,Danger, Will Robinson!!"

zoobizoo

He was looking for something / someone to help him out of the situation he was in (break up / moving home / lonely / single / mid 30s etc etc).

He felt you were his ONE BIG CHANCE to fix everything for him and he put that all on you.

You were his safety net from despair and because you've moved from beneath him, he is floundering.


He has the issues. Big issues regarding his confidence, esteem etc and being in a relationship was a short term fix for those issues.


It's not up to you to fix him.

Neyite

It's not your job to fix him or be responsible for his broken heart. You can't be that person because you are his ex now. That job is for his friends. Don't let him try to guilt you into it.

Heartbreak is a fact of life - very few folk avoid it, many of us have experienced it a few times, but it's temporary (and in this case a tad over-dramatic!) and everyone gets over it sooner or later. Besides, someone this intense and insecure will find another mug quickly. They always do. They are unable to be alone.

148 messages is creepy and abnormal behaviour and he may switch between guilt trips to sadness to anger/insults etc if he's not already done so. Just another red flag to reinforce to you that you made the right call here breaking up with him. Hold firm, take the advice about messages and blocking him above and stop feeling so guilty - you have NOTHING to feel guilt about.

Sephiroth_dude

Confused1aaa wrote: »

Because I stopped in the supermarket on the way home from work he said food was further up my list of priorities than him and when I mentioned that i bumped into my ex and he was extremely uncomfortable with that and didn't think it appropriate that we caught up.

Christ on a bike :eek: that's waayyy too intense and controlling, you made the right decision, block him everywhere now.

Augme

Confused1aaa wrote: »

Thank you all for your advice, I just wanted to update the thread. I guess I wanted to give it another few days to see if I could calm the red flags that were going off in my head but I couldn't. He still made me feel guilty about how much time I could spend with him and said that spending a few hours together 2-3 times a week was more like a teenage romance than a proper relationship. Because I stopped in the supermarket on the way home from work he said food was further up my list of priorities than him and when I mentioned that i bumped into my ex and he was extremely uncomfortable with that and didn't think it appropriate that we caught up. So tonight after having words because of arranging a date I finally decided to end it. I feel so bad ending things, he is such a sweet guy and in ways we have a great connection but something just felt off and I couldn't shake that. I've had 148 messages so far tonight, I'm just so drained emotionally from it all, I have work in 4 hours and I haven't had a wink of sleep yet. I feel so guilty and awful, he's texting how I've broken his heart, I don't know what to do

Sorry, but wtf at the bolded parts? I'd honestly recommend you avoid dating for awhile and work on your ability to analyse and judge people. If you think this guy is a "nice sweet guy" then I just can't imagine how you'll be successful dating.

The guy sounds is an emotionally manipulative, self-centered nut case.

Confused1aaa

Augme wrote: »

Sorry, but wtf at the bolded parts? I'd honestly recommend you avoid dating for awhile and work on your ability to analyse and judge people. If you think this guy is a "nice sweet guy" then I just can't imagine how you'll be successful dating.

The guy sounds is an emotionally manipulative, self-centered nut case.

To be honest I think most people would feel a bit bad about having someone texting saying they're in floods of tears / heartbroken etc

Phoenix Wright

I wouldn't feel guilty about this in the slightest, you gave him multiple chances and handled everything as best as you could imo. I think the fact that you felt the need to post here says it all.

miamee

Confused1aaa wrote: »

To be honest I think most people would feel a bit bad about having someone texting saying they're in floods of tears / heartbroken etc

His reaction was way over the top including saying he was broken hearted - in your very first post here on 3rd July you said that things had only turned romantic "last week" so at the most you were in a romantic relationship together for 2-3 weeks (probably less) and he's heart broken?? I find that very hard to believe. A bit upset and disappointed perhaps but heart broken is him trying to pull at your heart strings to feel sorry for him instead of being angry at his ridiculous amount of messages. You don't have to think he's a bad person or an idiot but you do need to stop dancing to his tune.

groovyg

Confused1aaa wrote: »

T I've had 148 messages so far tonight, I'm just so drained emotionally from it all, I have work in 4 hours and I haven't had a wink of sleep yet. I feel so guilty and awful, he's texting how I've broken his heart, I don't know what to do

148 txts :eek: !!! and texting you in the middle of the night non stop- he needs to get a job and life, that's stalker behaviour.

daithi7

groovyg wrote: »

148 txts :eek: !!! and texting you in the middle of the night non stop- he needs to get a job and life, that's stalker behaviour.

Serous stalker behaviour. Op move on, line in the sand now, stop wallowing in this. Block his number and move on pronto... for all your sakes!!