Dating and not being able to have children

Jenneke87

Hi there,
I'd like to get some advice on this as I'm unsure how to go forward with this.
As the title says: I'm not able to have children. I can get pregnant but cannot carry full-term and after my third pregnancy I was strongly adviced not to try again due to the damage inflicted and risks that involved(there's a long story to it that in the interest of saving time I wont go into now).This all happend in early to mid twenties and at that time I never gave much thought as to how this would impact future relationships. I'm turing thirty this month and I feel now it's becoming an issue.
I'm alright with the fact that I won't have children, but I feel like I've almost become undatable now. The last few relationships al ended because he did want to have a biological family and of course I can't give him that. I also struggle with when it's the right time to tell a guy this: I don't want to chase him off by telling too soon but I don't want to string him along, because I know the issue of children is a dealbreaker in any relationship and it's easier to say goodbye early on that after a few months or a year. I feel like every time I "have to put something on the table" so he can make an informed choice on whether to stay or not but it's not making finding anyone any easier and it's starting to get me down and feeling a little desperate
I know that some will suggest fostering or adopting, but I'm okay with not having children in this life and have no desire to go down that route(at least not at this moment in time) but tbh I don't see it happening like that.
Does anyone have any experience with this?

ash23

Hi OP.
I have been where you are. Early 30s, choosing not to have more children, single and dating.

I brought it up quite early, as in probably the second date.
I was lucky as he felt the same way, as he already had children from a previous relationship. We're still together.

My advice is to address it pretty early on. No point in getting invested in a relationship that can never work (where he wants kids of his own)

There are plenty of men who don't want children or already have children and don't want more. So no point wasting time with men who do want kids, your time or theirs.

wylo

Well Im just one guy but there seems to be two parts to your story.

1. You can't have kids hence cant provide a biological family

2. You dont want to have kids? (fostering , adoption). Maybe Im picking you up wrong?


If I really liked a girl and it was getting serious I can honestly say the second point would be a bigger deal for me than the first.

Either way I am not saying the second point is a deal breaker either because right now, at 34 I still dont know if I want kids. But still being with someone and KNOWING they dont want kids would come into the equation alright.


Anyway I think saying it early is a good idea to be honest. There might be guys out there not like me. But if you dont want kids at all , even adoption, then I would be saying that too.

I have friends and family who are adopted, and as far as I am concerned it is biological family in everything but physical blood. Adoption is something I would most definitely put on the table if I really liked a woman and knew she couldnt have kids.

BetsyEllen

I think you'll be fine OP if you're open to dating someone who already has children.

I came across plenty of guys when I was using dating websites who had kids and didn't want anymore.

pc7

Just on the adoption there is literally no, nada,zilch, none carried out. Most domestic adoptions are within families. Foreign adoptions have fallen greatly due to various conventions, it also takes years and 1000's of euros now if at all. So it's not a real option for most. We looked into it and it was soul destroying, luckily for us we wanted kids and instead spent 1000's in fertility treatment which worked. A lot has changed in the fertility area, you could always get a second opinion now if you did decide you'd like to try, but you seem happy with your decision so it's just about finding someone in on the same page.
You are right to be honest and open with others as it is such a huge thing. Especially for those in their 30's, have you tried dating sites where you can perhaps put this in the bio? I'm married off donkeys years so not up to speed on the etiquette of online dating.

leggo

I'd opt to tell someone earlier rather than later. Kids would be a big deal to me and make a relationship with someone unable/unwilling to have them impossible, so if I found out months into it when real feelings had developed I'd feel a bit betrayed and strung along on top of everything else. If someone brought it up with me on the first/second date, I'd appreciate it personally because it gives me facts and options, but that's me and I'm all about dropping the heavy stuff in before the feels come along, maybe that's not for some people. Definitely sooner rather than later though, for your own sake to save time potentially investing in a doomed relationship as much as other's.

melon_collie

Hi OP. I think you are being far too critical of yourself. . . . Particularly the part where u are claiming to be undateable.

There are loads of guys out there who don't want kids. I would be one of those.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

If I truly loved someone . . . . It wouldn't matter to me whether they could have kids or not.

tara73

melon_collie wrote: »

If I truly loved someone . . . . It wouldn't matter to me whether they could have kids or not.

but this is a tricky one, where I think the propblem the OP has, lies. it's almost no way you can tell after the second or third date you truly love someone. but then you don't want to wait with telling until you've fallen madly for each other, maybe after 6 month.

OP, I would agree with the majority here, tell it in the early stages, after the second date I would say. And also, there are many man out there who don't want kids themselves/ have already kids and don't want any more.

If you do online dating, most of the sites have it that you can tick a box whether you want kids/not want kids/not decided yet, which could make it a lot easier for you.

zoobizoo

Hey OP

I have dated a girl who never wanted kids. That was good news to me. I was in my early 30s at the time.

Friend of mine does not want kids either.

My brother in law didn't want kids either.

You might find that dating guys in their late 30s and 40s who are more settled into their "non child friendly" lives would be a good idea. They'll often be happy to discuss that at an early stage in dating and may have it in their online profiles.

If you are dating guys in their early 30s they often have never thought about it or want to have kids but at a later stage.

via4

My friend is finding the opposite problem she wants kids & only can fund guys that don't want them I defo think it won't be an issue