Right or wrong?

Hgfgbbcc

Hi,
I am best friends with my partner's brother. I told my partner a funny story that happened to her brother, but said please don't say it back to him. It was nothing bad or said in complete confidence I just didn't want my friend to think I was a big mouth so I asked my partner not to say anything when her brother told her the story. She said she wouldn't say anything.
About 2 hours later I hear her on the phone saying...I heard what happened, her brother had not even mentioned the incident but my partner had to say it to him, she told her brother someone else told her. But of course her brother knows it was me as he had just told me a few hours before. And when I said to her she should not have said it, like she said she wouldn't, she told me I was trying to control what she said to her brother.....I'm not.
I obviously know now I can't tell my partner anything about her brother but am I wrong here to be annoyed, my partner just thinks she is right and I'm completely wrong. I feel like she's trying to manipulate me in to thinking I'm in the wrong....and it's starting to work.

eoinzy2000

You told her something in confidence, she ran blabbing. It's her fault. I just wouldnt tell her anything you don't want blabbed again. Not nice but it's not your fault. Take it as a lesson

RoisinClare6

She was wrong on my opinion. You had asked her not to say anything and she did anyways. I guess you'll just have to be mindful of what you say to her in relation to her brother in future. Not ideal but what can you do

December2012

She was wrong.


Was it something that he would get into trouble or danger for?

Hgfgbbcc

December2012 wrote: »

She was wrong.


Was it something that he would get into trouble or danger for?

No not at all, but he hadn't told many people so think maybe he just didn't want people to know. As soon as my partner said it he said " who told you " It really was just a funny thing that happened.
I should not have said it to.my partner, but lesson learned.

Wesser

You said..... I just didn't want my friend to think I was a big mouth.
But you were.....a big mouth.
You shouldn't have said anything in the first place.... it was shared with you in confidence and you broke that.....

Hannibal_Smith

I think you shouldn't have told her. I'm guessing what you told her might be funny to you and her, but embarrassing to her brother? So you told her something she could jeer her brother over, asked her to say nothing, all the while let's face it people are people and if someone tells us something to slag a sibling over, chances are you won't be able to keep quiet. You were one of few who knew about this incident and you thought it a good idea to tell his sister?

I think you deserve what you got and should perhaps show the brother a little more respect in future.

leggo

When I tell someone something, I always assume I'm telling their partner too. That's their confidante and best friend that they share everything with. So I don't tell someone something I don't want their partner to know. If the brother is angry with you, I'd say it's kinda on him for being a bit naive and assuming you wouldn't tell.

But your girlfriend also should've respected your request to keep it zipped. Rather than decide not to tell her anything, that's not necessarily healthy to have to put up barriers in your relationship, I'd flag this and tell her that if she does that again you're going to have to start filtering what you do or don't tell her. People tend to respond when it comes to the threat of being denied information in the future, it's something we all innately understand. Don't get bogged down in the argument about this, just tell her that's going to be your attitude going forward and see if she respects it.

osarusan

She agreed to your request not to say anything, then just went ahead and said it. She shouldn't have done that.

That thing about you trying to 'control' what she can say to her brother is nonsense, a cheap effort.

HalloweenJack

Hgfgbbcc wrote: »

And when I said to her she should not have said it, like she said she wouldn't, she told me I was trying to control what she said to her brother.....I'm not.
I obviously know now I can't tell my partner anything about her brother but am I wrong here to be annoyed, my partner just thinks she is right and I'm completely wrong. I feel like she's trying to manipulate me in to thinking I'm in the wrong....and it's starting to work.

It all sounds fairly innocuous but, honestly, the parts in bold would give me cause for concern and I've feeling this could blow up into something a lot bigger than it needs to be.

One little incident and she accuses you of trying to control her and now you think she's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about the situation. And, from what you've posted, she seems to refuse to entertain the idea she might be wrong whereas you're making an effort to get somebody else's view. It doesn't sound good at all.

This incident also shows you can't trust her as she made a promise and broke it very quickly.

How long have you been together?

Re: the incident. You were wrong to tell her. It's not too difficult to imagine that a sister would talk to her brother about some incident, regardless of you asking her not to. She was also wrong to say she wouldn't say anything and then go ahead and say it anyway. I don't either of you comes off any better really.

How has your friend reacted?

Hgfgbbcc

Yes, I realise now I cannot and should not share stories with her about her brother.
It wasn't a nasty story at all, it was just a funny thing that happened.
She apologized this morning so I'm ok about it, but it was frustrating last night when I heard her say it and then I was confused when she tried to turn it in to a control issue, I needed to hear other people's opinions so thanks for the replies.

Hgfgbbcc

HalloweenJack wrote: »

It all sounds fairly innocuous but, honestly, the parts in bold would give me cause for concern and I've feeling this could blow up into something a lot bigger than it needs to be.

One little incident and she accuses you of trying to control her and now you think she's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about the situation. And, from what you've posted, she seems to refuse to entertain the idea she might be wrong whereas you're making an effort to get somebody else's view. It doesn't sound good at all.

This incident also shows you can't trust her as she made a promise and broke it very quickly.

How long have you been together?

Re: the incident. You were wrong to tell her. It's not too difficult to imagine that a sister would talk to her brother about some incident, regardless of you asking her not to. She was also wrong to say she wouldn't say anything and then go ahead and say it anyway. I don't either of you comes off any better really.

How has your friend reacted?

My friend has not said anything, it's more that I asked her not to say anything about it. I feel like I can't really tell her anything as even if she promises not to say anything, I cannot rely on her to keep that promise.

Hgfgbbcc

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I think you shouldn't have told her. I'm guessing what you told her might be funny to you and her, but embarrassing to her brother? So you told her something she could jeer her brother over, asked her to say nothing, all the while let's face it people are people and if someone tells us something to slag a sibling over, chances are you won't be able to keep quiet. You were one of few who knew about this incident and you thought it a good idea to tell his sister?

I think you deserve what you got and should perhaps show the brother a little more respect in future.

Yes I think now I shouldn't have told her, but it's not even something anyone would jeer anybody about. It was just a random funny thing that happened, and I actually assumed her brother would tell my partner about it......which he would have done if she'd given him a chance before jumping in and saying I heard about it.

Hgfgbbcc

Wesser wrote: »

You said..... I just didn't want my friend to think I was a big mouth.
But you were.....a big mouth.
You shouldn't have said anything in the first place.... it was shared with you in confidence and you broke that.....

True!

Airyfairy12

Youre both wrong. You shouldnt have told her what her brother said, if he wanted her to know he would have told her himself. She shouldnt of babbled to him stirring sh!t. Its her brother you both should be apologising to.

freshpopcorn

Was their an agreement between you and her brother regarding keeping the incident a secret.
Sometimes in life you've to say something to somebody and you'll need them not to say it to the person. This incident shows me she's hard to be trusted.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think, from what you say, that the brother told you anything in confidence. It sounds like this was something that happened, that she was probably going to find out about anyway, but you told her before he did. I think that would be very natural in couples.

Also, from what you've posted the brother doesn't seem too bothered that she knew. But you're bothered that she told you she wouldn't say anything (even though there was no reason for her to pretend she didn't know) and then went and told her brother (who doesn't seem too bothered).

So the issue of the "things" itself and you telling isn't the issue at all. It's the fact that she did something you asked her not to, and then tried to turn it around on you.

Honestly, it all sounds like much ado about nothing. But I think you are right to be annoyed that she betrayed your trust. Although if it wasn't that big a deal, if it wasn't a secret, and if he was likely to tell her anyway, then maybe she didn't see what the issue was in saying it.

Move on, I'd say. And keep an eye on your gf and her reaction and "control' arguments in the future.