Recent Break up, cant get my head straight

LegacyUser

36 yr old guy here, had a recent break up which has left me almost sick with sadness. I'm absolutely devastated. Problem is i cant get my head straight... my confidence & concentration is gone, making serious mistakes at work. I feel like I'm walking around like a space cadet. Has anyone got any advice for getting through this stage?

Airyfairy12

can you get back together with your ex? If thats not possible all you can do is keep busy, keep in touch with friends and family and see them as much as you can. Avoid places were you have any memories attached to your ex, delete and block her from all social media, change your routines a little bit.. maybe start trying new coffee shops/pubs youve never been too..sounds really stupid but it actually helps. Takes you out of your routine which subconsciously you can associate with your ex. Go to a therapist to talk it out and get some coping mechanisms and nows a good time to do anything you couldnt do while in the relationship. Try to have some fun, laughing is a great cure.

LegacyUser

It's perfectly ok not to have your head straight, totally normal in the situation and don't add to your problem by pressuring yourself to get it straight. It might take a little time, but it'll come good.

BetsyEllen

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

can you get back together with your ex? If thats not possible all you can do is keep busy, keep in touch with friends and family and see them as much as you can. Avoid places were you have any memories attached to your ex, delete and block her from all social media, change your routines a little bit.. maybe start trying new coffee shops/pubs youve never been too..sounds really stupid but it actually helps. Takes you out of your routine which subconsciously you can associate with your ex. Go to a therapist to talk it out and get some coping mechanisms and nows a good time to do anything you couldnt do while in the relationship. Try to have some fun, laughing is a great cure.

There's not much more that can be said really.
I experienced the worst breakup of my life last year and I know exactly that 'space cadet' feeling you describe. Like you're just existing but not sure what you should actually be doing...

Keeping busy is obviously the thing to do but do let yourself grieve as well.
I needed a few weeks to cry, lay in bed, sulk, sob and process what had happened before I could manage to start doing productive things.
Going for a walk or even tidying the house wasn't even on my radar for a while.

The best I could do was absorb myself in a Netflix binge for the first while.

But in time I realised the best thing to do was get out of bed, get showered and dressed and then force myself to leave the house and do something. Anything.
Friends and family are invaluable at a time like this so make the most of their company.

Hope you're feeling better soon. It does pass in time. I never thought it would but it's been over a year now and I am (mostly) OK.

LegacyUser

OP here again... thanks all for the advice. It helps just reading your replies but i will certainly try to to put that advice in practice. Thank you!

eeguy

Take a few weeks off if you can.

Fill your time as much as possible with hobbies and activities. I used to have trouble sleeping for a week so I'd watch movies till I couldn't stay awake any longer.

donegaLroad

see if you can get a prescription for Xanax.. it will leave you feeling a bit numb, but in a good way. Dont get too fond of it as it is addictive to some people... just use it to get you through the difficult early stages of a break-up.

Doddledoo32

Ok here is my two pence worth ...
be nice to yourself ...
Do whatever makes you happiest at the time
Avoid people you can't deal with (had a really bad break up , it made me realise that sometimes tough love is not what's needed) and some friends love your misery ! Avoid!
If you need a day off , take it , for your sake and for works sake
Make plans , plan something you would never have done with your ex
Laugh, cry and laugh again
Dive into something you love
Don't break anyone else's heart to make you feel better
Don't date till you are ready ... no matter who says it to you
Happiness is out there, you will get through it
But most of all be kind to yourself. Right now that's all you can do
Oh and finally no contact ! If possible, it makes things a little easier.

maccored

When my marriage of 25 years ended at the end of 2015, i as much the same as you described. Best thing i done was took holiday time off work to get my head right, then I went to the docs and got a few weeks off on the sick as my head was just all over the shop and i wasnt fit to focus at all. I thought the world had ended. Now Im just so glad it happened .... I have my life back and its a much more enjoyable and happy one - so genuinely ... keep the chin up. Youre in the very worst of it at the minute.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

I totally understand how you feel. 2 years ago my marriage ended when my ex wife cheated. I couldn't function at all. Felt like i was in a haze constantly.

Some points that helped me will hopefully help you too:

- keep active, run, walk, swim. do something! This just helps clear the head and makes you feel good about yourself.

- Have a few nights out to blow off steam if you want but dont turn to drink. I did for a little while ,not in an addictive way at all but it really doesnt help at all. Makes you more emotional and messed up.

- Meet up with friends and family as much as you can, talk to them. Explain how you are. They will care. Once you open up like this - so many people have had similar experiences. When I started to explain my situation to finds and found many of them had similar experiences and had untold stories they wanted to talk about. It's so good to talk and verbalise your feelings.

- Do something that makes you happy. A gig, concert, match, holiday, whatever just focus on you.

- Find new hobbies and interests, do something new. New fitness class, new sports, clubs, new friends. Try fill the gap your ex left with new and positive people in your life.

I hope this helps some bit.
Best of luck

daithi7

tkinnealey1234 wrote: »

Hey op,

I totally understand how you feel. 2 years ago my marriage ended when my ex wife cheated. I couldn't function at all. Felt like i was in a haze constantly.

Some points that helped me will hopefully help you too:

- keep active, run, walk, swim. do something! This just helps clear the head and makes you feel good about yourself.

- Have a few nights out to blow off steam if you want but dont turn to drink. I did for a little while ,not in an addictive way at all but it really doesnt help at all. Makes you more emotional and messed up.

- Meet up with friends and family as much as you can, talk to them. Explain how you are. They will care. Once you open up like this - so many people have had similar experiences. When I started to explain my situation to finds and found many of them had similar experiences and had untold stories they wanted to talk about. It's so good to talk and verbalise your feelings.

- Do something that makes you happy. A gig, concert, match, holiday, whatever just focus on you.

- Find new hobbies and interests, do something new. New fitness class, new sports, clubs, new friends. Try fill the gap your ex left with new and positive people in your life.

I hope this helps some bit.
Best of luck

All of this avoid (great advice), and just to emphasise, try to surround yourself with positive, outgoing people doing positive , outgoing things (e.g. activities, sports, concerts, other , etc). You will find yourself slowly letting go of your grief, and gradually embracing your new life and enjoying it hugely. Good luck!!

LegacyUser

Just wanted to hear anyone's similar experience and if and how they go through it. My OH has left and I am in a lot of pain over it. It does seem for me like I'm a complete failure all I see around me are happy couples, friends getting married and having kids and I'm living an absolute nightmare. And at 36 too being a woman I am getting unwelcome comments oh we must fix you up with xx as if it's a curse at my age to be alone. Yes I would not like to end up alone but I certainly don't want other people to perpetuate the notion that I have to desperately go seeking someone else. I hate that I will have to start again and actually trust someone which seems impossible right now.

I am trying to stay positive and really be very rational about the fact that it clearly wasn't working. My ex was abusive and to make matters worse he denies any of it ever happened. He physically hurt me, but the emotional hurt was the worst. He called me every name under the sun after stupid arguments were sparked over nothing, he would misinterpret something but would not back down when I tried to explain it wasn't what I meant, or if I did something not in the particular way he wanted it done around the house, or in any situation. I used to hurry back from work in time to have things in order before he came back in case he'd blow up over the washing not being done or whatever it was. Won't go into details but it was horrendous. And I don't understand why I'm so devastated it's over. I think because he has manipulated it so if I hadn't done this, that or the other he wouldn't be going. And what he means is me crying and begging him to stop hurting me. That's all I ever asked. It was crazy. He said that was me being abusive, asking him to stop hurting me. He said that's why he's leaving it was 'nagging' for me to be crying and saying I wish he wouldn't say those things, the putdowns, the awful overreactions to small things after he dos them. It was messed up. I would shake when he got angry. I'm ashamed at how weak I was. He hated that about me he wanted me to fight back equally as hard. He hated that I would cry.

I always tried to get him to show me clearly what I was doing wrong so I would know. I am open to criticism if it was not aggressive and derogatory. I always wanted things to work. But he would never explain kindly what he wanted. So I was always on the back foot, never quite knowing what was going to anger him. The cycle was him being very abusive, I would get upset and say you can't do that, and he would just say 'see what I have to put up with, you giving out to me.' Can someone please explain this to me it's messed with my head so much. He wanted to treat me like that but never ever hear the emotional consequences it had on me or for me to call him up on it. I don't understand, what did he expect. He genuinely didn't think he did anything wrong, never took responsibility for the abuse, just waited for me to react (I was never angry, always upset) so he could say look at you, see how can I put up with that? He always blamed me for starting a row, I might have asked him a question, or not looked happy, whatever it was (not to do with him) and he would get so annoyed. I would ask him to sit and talk about us fighting, when we were calm and see what the triggers are to try pause before reacting and giving me a chance to explain but he would get defensive, zone out and repeat 'don't give out to me'.

There was so many incidences I've completely lost track. I didn't stand a chance and I still kept up the relationship hoping things would get better but all I've got is 3 and half wasted years and him just walking away when I only ever tried to find ways to not fight and have better communication. He was never interested and I don't understand why he would stay so long but not work to make it better.
I suppose I just need clarity as I don't know what the hell was going on in this. I want to feel happy and relieved it's over, and not scared to be this age and alone. Sorry this is long.