Help

Siipina

Hi,

I am married, have a three year old son and I am pregnant again. We bought a house last October and as we had some trouble with or Landlady, we moved straight in. We knew we had to do some work but it was worst as we thought so we were living in a building site for 3 month. Its all done now and most rooms are redecorated now as well. I have Symphysis Pubis dysfunction in pregnancy, which means my pelvis joins are loosing and it is very painful. Some days are ok, still painful but I can manage, some days are as bad that I need crutches and end up crying in pain. My Husband is working long hours and I am at home with my son. So far so good. I tried to keep going as long as I could as I had the SPD in the first pregnancy as well and I knew I would end up on the couch sooner or later.
I still do as much as I can, I look after the poly tunnel and my chickens so my husband doesnt have to do that but often I end up crying in pain. Now my husband comes home around half six, mostly seven and needs for nearly an hour his time and complains then that the house is not tidy enough or the dinner is not cooked. We used to eat a warm dinner always in the evening, often cooked together or even he made it and always ate together as a family and now he wants me to cook during the day so he can warm it up for him. We have more and more fights about it and I dont know what to do. I have enough trouble with my little one and the pregnancy, the chickens and the poly tunnel and all this and I really try my best with the house and the washing and the shopping of cause, great fun with a three years old and crutches and now to cook dinner on my own is nothing I really need as well. If I try too hard I hear I overdid it, if I dont, I hear I am not doing enough. I think it is so unbelievable unfair.
I know he has a hard job and it is stressful but I always thought we are a team. I dont expect him to do a lot of house work, the only thing he does is emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes back in. On the weekends he thinks it is more important to pull the weeds on our field, which is not used at all and and it was only used for horses before we moved in, than doing things which need to be done. Like the room for the baby or helping me in the house or even cleaning the chicken coop, he said he would do it but I always end up doing it.
We never had this kind of problems before, we were always a good team and we both wanted a house with land and all but now all he wants is time for himself, no work and even the child is annoying him. There is so much to do but he does the absolutely least necessary thing he can find. Its totally beyond my understanding why the hell does he has to dig up an acre field to pull a certain type of weed if there is so much more a lot more important things to do. I have ten weeks left and nothing is done for the baby.
What me worries now is his parents had the same kind of marriage. His mother is the perfect housewife, all she lives for is house, her children and cooking, one sister is still living at home with 42 and is treated like a 12 year old. His father came home on several occasions, looked into the pot what was for dinner and went back into his car and drove to McDonald's. Just because he wasnt in the mood for it. It feels now for me that my husband wants a wife like his mother but I am not like that and I never was or will be. I like to have a life of my own and I love to build things with timber and be with my animals. I have my son with me most of the time so its hard to get a bit time for myself now anyway especially as I cant do much either. He doesn't see why I would like some time for me either as I am home all day and my son was in play school until last week. Well, I did the grocery shopping and house work in this time as I dont get much done when the little one is around. We have no family around so nobody for help and he would not accept any help anyway. Our neighbor offered to cut our lawn as he is retired but my husband would not have it. The new thing is now that he thinks I should get rid of my chickens as if I am not able to look after them then I cant keep them.
I tried to talk with him so often but its like hitting a wall. He only gets defencive like: I know I do nothing around here blah blah blah. He was never like that. I cant do all on my own especially not with the SPD.
I start to get very low and it feels like I have nothing to look forward to as I am mostly on my own and all the stress and pain is really getting me, I have nobody to talk to and to be honest dont know what to do.

MissShihTzu

Oh gosh! You DO have a lot going on. No wonder you feel stressed and upset. You're going through some of the most stressful things that can happen to you in life and they're all following each other. Let's see:

1. You've got a small baby.
2. You're pregnant again. And having a hard time of it. My sister-in-law had the same SPD issue when she was pregnant and it is no joke.
3. You've moved house.
4. House needed more work than you realised.
5. House is now done.
6. Upkeep of the house is proving hard going, even with your physical issues.

What I can't understand is why your husband seems to think all he does is to put the money on the table and expect you to do the rest. This is not the 50's for God's sake. Cooking in the day, so he can warm it up when he comes in and expecting you to wait hand and foot on him, all the time struggling with a small baby, big house, land and a pregnancy? I don't think so!

I think you need to sit him down and speak calmly to him. Tell him the room needs to be ready for the baby, and you can't do it alone. Tell him is he doesn't want to accept the offer of help from your kind-hearted neighbour, then either he cuts the lawn himself, or you will pay someone to do it. He needs to step up and start to pull his weight.

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

nikkibikki

I had SPD too. The pain is unreal and the only solution is rest.

It's a time for prioritising for both of you. You are overwhelmed with all you have on your plate. Look at what is essential and cut out the rest. Both of you. If that means getting rid of the chickens for 6 to 12 months, then so be it. He needs to stop weeding the bloody field. Neither of those are essential right now.

Do your grocery shopping online and get it delivered.

If he wants dinner at a certain time, tell him go home to his Mammy! And that you are not her!

Sit down and talk it out before another row erupts. Ye both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet with 2 small kids.

BetsyEllen

Is there any chance you could chat to your nice neighbour, say you want to take up the offer of him doing the grass but could he keep it to himself?

Your husband wouldn't have to know, he'll come home and it's done.

With regards to the food side, would your husband be open to doing some cooking with you over a weekend?
You could maybe prepare a weeks worth of meals that can go into the freezer and just be heated up during the week.

And the 3rd suggestion is could you get a cleaner to come in and help maybe just for an hour a week?
Some charge around €10 per hour.

I'm not sure if your finances would stretch to this but again, you could get someone in during the day and your husband wouldn't necessarily need to know.
A lot can be done in a hour - they could hoover, mop the floors, change the beds...or any other tasks that you find particularly difficult at the moment.

As already mentioned, do your grocery shopping online and get it delivered.

With regards to the land he is constantly weeding, is there any scope to rent it out for a while? If it was being used for horses before, is there a possibility of renting it out for this again?
It would then take away the need for weeding all the time and bring in some extra income to go towards a cleaner.

You need to really put your foot down and stop letting him walk all over you.

The way his father treats his Mother is all down to how she lets herself be treated.
If I cooked dinner for a man and he turned his nose up and went to McDonalds...well he'd think twice before doing that again let me tell you.

kylith

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Is there any chance you could chat to your nice neighbour, say you want to take up the offer of him doing the grass but could he keep it to himself?

Your husband wouldn't have to know, he'll come home and it's done.

With regards to the food side, would your husband be open to doing some cooking with you over a weekend?
You could maybe prepare a weeks worth of meals that can go into the freezer and just be heated up during the week.

And the 3rd suggestion is could you get a cleaner to come in and help maybe just for an hour a week?
Some charge around €10 per hour.

I'm not sure if your finances would stretch to this but again, you could get someone in during the day and your husband wouldn't necessarily need to know.
A lot can be done in a hour - they could hoover, mop the floors, change the beds...or any other tasks that you find particularly difficult at the moment.

As already mentioned, do your grocery shopping online and get it delivered.

With regards to the land he is constantly weeding, is there any scope to rent it out for a while? If it was being used for horses before, is there a possibility of renting it out for this again?
It would then take away the need for weeding all the time and bring in some extra income to go towards a cleaner.

You need to really put your foot down and stop letting him walk all over you.

The way his father treats his Mother is all down to how she lets herself be treated.
If I cooked dinner for a man and he turned his nose up and went to McDonalds...well he'd think twice before doing that again let me tell you.

While I would agree with getting someone in to help there's no way I'd do it without the husband's knowledge for the reason that if he thinks she's capable of doing it by herself he'll expect her to do it by herself: If she can clean the house on Thursday then why can't she clean it every other day?

OP, can you get your doctor involved here. Bring your husband to a check up and let the doctor impress on him the fact that he needs to step up and take care of his family while you are incapacitated. It sounds to me like he has no idea how hard you're finding things and I would suggest that you don't try to put a brave face on things. You need help, whether that be him or a family member.