Is it always going to be like this?

GroodyL

Is it always going to be like this?

I'm in my early twenties and I'm gay. I think I have known sort of subconsciously for a long time but I only really accepted it last October. And when I say accepted it I don't know if thats the right word because I've often since then not wanted to accept it.

Two of my friends know I am gay and everyone else I'm in regular contact with doesn't know. Since October I have had some of the worst times of my life where I get into such a horrible state over the realisation I am gay and other times its made me so happy.

My parents will not accept me being gay. I know thats a cliche but in this case they really wont. I care a lot more about my moms opinion than my dads and I know she wont accept it or come to terms with it. I'm her only son and shes extremely traditional.

My mams had not such a great time because my dad causes her a lot of problems and I am so worried that I'm just going to make her life worse if she knew.

I just need to reiterate that there is no way my mam will accept me being gay.

This thought is making me so depressed. I am in college but home for summer and I feel like a fraud living here with her when she doesnt know and at the same time I'm like why does she have to know, i dont have a boyfriend or anything so there is no need for her to find out other than my own selfish need to stop being consumed by the secret.

The two friends I have told have been great but I am scared I'm leaning on them too much and dont want to annoy them. I have been essentiallly obsessing and complaining about this since the end of last year.

I cant see this ever getting better, in January maybe I would have thought oh in a few months I will be fine but now its almost July and I'm still in such a bad way over this. I am scared and sad to be gay i would say 95% of the time and I am sick of feeling this way. I hate that I cant change it, i would do anything I could to change it but i cant.

Does it seem like its always going to be like this? I am honestly very stressed and fed up of feeling this way but I dont see a change.

What can I do. I'm going to be here at home until September and the guilt and fear I have over being gay is just getting heavier and heavier. I live really remotely and cant drive or get anywhere other than my house and walks with the dog. I am so upset over this because I didnt ask for it.

baby and crumble

Hey OP.

I probably could have written your post when I was 20. I was in dublin for college but home for summers and my parents didn't know. Like you o figured if I didn't have a girlfriend, nobody needed to know- and tbh I think that's fine. Only you can come out when you feel safe and comfortable to do so.

First off, I know how it feels to hate being gay. I hated it too. I didn't want to be like that. I just wanted to be "normal". I was pretty miserable for most of college and that only changed when I met some other gay folks through a college society (actually not the LGBT soc as it happens!). Only a few of my best friends knew until practically 4th year. I kind of regret that because I closed myself off from a lot of friendships and experiences in college "in case" someone found out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's scary to realise you're gay. Especially if you have a conservative family or live in a rural location. All i can say is I was convinced my folks would throw me out- and it was really weird in the house for a while after I came out- but now myself and my partner are treated the exact same as my brothers and their wives. My Dad has agreed to be a witness for my wedding in a few months. So people can change, given time.

My advice, and what kept me sane when I was in a similar situation, is to use the web to connect with the LGBT community. It was much harder for me as a young person- we'd no smart phones so I had to be super careful to cover my tracks on the house computer! But read about being gay, read about the culture and the progress that has been made. Maybe make some online friends who don't know you from Adam in the street.

Don't worry about "hiding" from your parents. Sometimes that's necessary for safety and protection for yourself. When the time comes- maybe when you've graduated or when you can support yourself if things go tits up with them- you can come out if you want.

reason vs religion

In short, no! Which is good news, obviously! First thing, same-sex attraction would seem to be a lot more common than was previously thought. The results from that and other recent surveys raise the prospect that in the future mono-sexuality, or only ever being attracted to one gender, may become the minority. I dunno about you, but knowing that would've made me feel a lot better a few years ago! (Now I'm kinda resentfully protective of my sexuality!) Yoir sexuality is as natural as any other and only a society-induced self-loathing makes you feel bad about it. Time and an increasingly accepting society will make this current worry seem so so unnecessary in a few years' time - like how you remember being scared of the dark as a child! (That's not to say, obviously, that you're wrong to feel the shame - how could you not? But when the shame is gone you'll struggle to empathise with your current struggles.)

It's a recurring theme that one worries about their parents not accepting. But just as common is the parents who quickly and surprisingly come round because they have love for their child, even if it's not apparent. It must be super scary to fear that you will cause your mother extreme upset and possibly be rejected, but you shouldn't hold off an action because of an indeterminate fear. It seems that your life would hardly be much worse off if they took it badly, whereas, if they are cool after a while (which most are), it seems like it would be transformative for you. Even though you think you do, you actually do not know how your parents will react: human emotion is so so complex that you can't have factored in and accurately weighted all the internal factors that decide that. And you're gonna do it some time, anyway, so why not stop trying to predict how others will react and get one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do over as soon as possible?!? (Also, selfish? Really?? You realise you're sorta suggesting that the impulse for release that the entire LGBT community who has ever come out has felt is ego-centric and self-indulgent? And what about their reaction?! Would theirs not be fūcking selfish if they withheld their love, forcing you to endure immense pain, all because it doesn't agree with their values?!)

For me, more helpful than coming out, first gay kiss, first boyfriend, etc, was making a friendship with another gay guy. I met him online, we chatted by text only and I never saw what he looked like (until we finally met and didn't really like each other!), but it was the formative element of my coming to terms with my sexuality. Just being able to talk freely, share celebrity crushes, realise gay guys could like the Beatles...allowed me to develop self-confidence and a comfort in being who I was; it wasn't apparent at the time - it wasn't a sudden release - but looking back, that gradual development was so significant. As well as that, when you say words like "I am gay" and "I'd love to kiss him" in an accepting environment - the difficulty of saying which was akin to that felt by the magical community in Harry Potter when saying Voldemort - they become soo much easier to say in general.

I hope (and I'm sure) it'll all work out for you in the coming years. You have no reason to be ashamed and should be angry that your society and your family has made you feel that way. But if you do nothing, not much will change. Keeping the secret is stunting your emotional development, so admit it and start dealing with what they actually say rather than what you fear they will!

LegacyUser

Hi,
You'll do great,
It's hard now , but it will get better...
I promise...
😊😀😊😀😊😀

gizmo81

Everyone has their own path, so don't feel pressured into doing something at a time when you're not confident to do so.

It will get better.

I don't want to pry into your life, but i am sure there's not been a gay kid who has not felt at one time that their family won't accept them.

My Mam was great. My Dad didn't talk to me for a couple of years and it was harder on him than me, cause the family were angry at him.

Eventually, it just passed and now i'm really proud of him because he changed his views because of me.

When I was younger the hardest part was being lonely, gay lonely in that I knew no other gay people. So I researched gay history and now it's really important to me because I feel we come from a proud line of people who fought hard for us and our freedoms today.

I wish you all the best, being gay is a gift once you realise it. The difficulties will pass and in the regard will be great.

I don't know your age but Belongto is there for up to 23 then there's some groups, like hill walking, drama.

Just get out there and mix, not the clubs but social groups. I'm not sure you're in Dublin but some links .

https://www.meetup.com/topics/lgbtfriends/

http://www.belongto.org

http://outhouse.ie

https://www.meetup.com/Wet-Wild/

Seamai

Hi GroodyL,

Like Gizmo81 said, it will get better. Looking back at my relationship with my own parents through my teens and early 20's I experienced many of the same things that you mention. My mum is a devout catholic and my dad was an alcoholic, pretty classic I hear you say. Anyway, I lived in fear of them finding out that I was gay, I though that if they knew they would want nothing to do with me. Of course they both had worked it out, as my mum said to me "I had 5 sons, I always knew you were different" I hated feeling different, I was never one of the lads. I know it wasn't easy for them either (this was Ireland in the 80's, a world away from the present day). TBH, I couldn't see much of a life for myself but reactions were never as bad as I expected from anyone. I know it was especially difficult for my dad being the hard man he was but he tried to build bridges and reach out to me, sadly he passed away a couple of years later. My mum has always said that in many respects I am most like him, I'm saddened that our relationship never had the time to grow and flourish. My mum for all her devout faith has never shyed away from standing up for gay people, I'm really proud of her. My parent came from backgrounds no different to most parents of their generation, they knew little about gay life except for maybe a camp comedian on the TV or rumours about some "pervert" who was dangerous around children. What I'm trying to say is to have a bit more faith in your parents, mine surprised me as did others along the way, (a guy in work who would have been the very last person I'd have expected support from was the first to stand up for me when I came out). People will surprise you, and there will come a time when you will look back and wonder why you worried so much at this time of your life.

Mind yourself.

Heebie

A lot of us go through stages of coming out that include wishing we were "normal" thing is.. We ARE normal for us, so it's a strange thought to have.
It's also normal to wish an easier life when you have trials and tribulations that most people don't have to deal with, so again... Normal.

My mother freaked out when I was outed to my folks.
"No 'friend' of yours will ever be welcome in my house" and "I didn't raise my son to be 'one of those people'" as well as "where did I go wrong?" came up repeatedly in the conversations we had after that.
It took years for her to come around and decide that my being myself and having some chance at happiness was more important.
When I told them I was moving to Ireland, twenty years after I was outed to them, her reaction was still "maybe you'll meet the right Irish girl and get married" (to which my response was, "you know perfectly well there is no 'right girl' for me, ma"... She'd come along way and has still come further.

You need to live YOUR life and work to find some happiness. That means being true to who you truly are.
Whether your parents choose to reject you is a choice only they can make. For many parents of LGBTQ people, there is a journey to acceptance and it can take ages. For others it never happens.
Hopefully your folks will choose a journey to acceptance over losing their child.

Some things to remind them of if they're the type that will condemn you with "God says..." or "The Bible says" is that Jesus never said anything at all about homosexuality... not a single word, all biblical mentions are in the Jewish Torah, often referred to as "the old testament" and really shouldn't matter to Christians. Jesus also taught that we have no right to judge each other...
Even if you're not a believer, chances are good that they are if they have that attitude in Ireland. (I'm guessing, but statistics are on my side)

You have to choose:
A. Live your life
Or
B. Pretend to be what someone else wants you to be, and likely be miserable

Good luck to you!

Lmklad

Firstly, you are not alone. Most of us have gone through something similar. Your friends will tell you if you're being a burden and assuming they are true friends you'll never hear them say it.

As previously mentioned please use the above contacts if you are feeling very down.

None of us chose to be gay and if I'm honest I'd probably have preferred not to be, but it does get easier and I'm very happy now.

Feel free to PM me, I'm sure most others here will say the same. As I've said , you're not alone.

Yanker

Hey there. It does get better, but your summer is likely going to suck. Sorry. Next summer get a job away from your family if they're still not cool.

Do well in school, work hard, and be prepared to move to London or someplace for a while. Try not to pick up too many bad habits (which is tough wherever you are as a lot of gay community stuff takes place in pubs or clubs).

Establish yourself as an independent man as soon as you can. It might make a small difference to your family, but it will be a huge boost to your confidence. You'll meet lots of folks in analogous situations. They're the best people.

Remind yourself that gay guys can do anything nowadays. We can have families, be open about who we are, lead major companies, or even be a middling Taoiseach. Yes, none of those will come as easy as to our straight brothers. Make your life what you want. Look after yourself. Work harder. You don't need to compromise. Stand up straight.

fluffybiscuits

GroodyL wrote: »

Is it always going to be like this?

I'm in my early twenties and I'm gay. I think I have known sort of subconsciously for a long time but I only really accepted it last October. And when I say accepted it I don't know if thats the right word because I've often since then not wanted to accept it.

Two of my friends know I am gay and everyone else I'm in regular contact with doesn't know. Since October I have had some of the worst times of my life where I get into such a horrible state over the realisation I am gay and other times its made me so happy.

My parents will not accept me being gay. I know thats a cliche but in this case they really wont. I care a lot more about my moms opinion than my dads and I know she wont accept it or come to terms with it. I'm her only son and shes extremely traditional.

My mams had not such a great time because my dad causes her a lot of problems and I am so worried that I'm just going to make her life worse if she knew.

I just need to reiterate that there is no way my mam will accept me being gay.

This thought is making me so depressed. I am in college but home for summer and I feel like a fraud living here with her when she doesnt know and at the same time I'm like why does she have to know, i dont have a boyfriend or anything so there is no need for her to find out other than my own selfish need to stop being consumed by the secret.

The two friends I have told have been great but I am scared I'm leaning on them too much and dont want to annoy them. I have been essentiallly obsessing and complaining about this since the end of last year.

I cant see this ever getting better, in January maybe I would have thought oh in a few months I will be fine but now its almost July and I'm still in such a bad way over this. I am scared and sad to be gay i would say 95% of the time and I am sick of feeling this way. I hate that I cant change it, i would do anything I could to change it but i cant.

Does it seem like its always going to be like this? I am honestly very stressed and fed up of feeling this way but I dont see a change.

What can I do. I'm going to be here at home until September and the guilt and fear I have over being gay is just getting heavier and heavier. I live really remotely and cant drive or get anywhere other than my house and walks with the dog. I am so upset over this because I didnt ask for it.

Hi OP

Im 35 now and was like that around 21 to 22

My advice is to accept yourself first for who you are and learn to be comfortable in yourself. You have acknowledged you are gay but you just have to accept it as the reality of your existence and that is the first crucial part. In Sept I take it you are going to college. There are excellent support structures. Meet other LGBT people and learn about the struggles and how common a lot of the issues you experience are. It will add context to your experiences. Finally they only need to learn in due course. Work on yourself firsxt and best wishes

CroFag

Talk honestly with mammy, she won't be there forever...