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Separating from my wife

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  • 28-06-2017 3:38pm
    #1
    UsBus
    Registered Users Posts: 1,390 ✭✭✭


    Unfortunately my wife and I will be separating after being together the last 9 years. We are both in our late thirties and it has got to the stage where we don't really get on very well anymore. Nothing bad has happened in the relationship just communication has not been brilliant from time to time. The strains of modern life such as job and house moves have caused a lot of stress between us which we haven't been able to get past. I am absolutely gutted it has come to this but I am going to have to come to terms with it.
    My main problem is my lack of friends & family members to confide in and fill the inevitable void that will be left. I have a quite small family but over the years I have lost contact with the friends I socialised with. They all have their own lives now with wives & kids. I never really had a huge number of friends, just some regular pub goers that you meet up with during your teens & twenties.
    I feel like I have botched up the last decade of my life and am struggling to see what I will do now. Both my wife and I have to move out of our rented house and find places to live. This really terrifies me, either getting a place on my own ( hardly possible to afford ) or getting a room in a house with others. I am at a complete loss as to what to do from here, let alone the thought of being single again, as I don't think I am the type to hit the pubs every weekend again even if I did have friends who would want to do that these days.

    I'm not even sure if there is an answer, I'm just trying to put into words the extreme pain and worry I feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.


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    #2
    judeboy101
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭judeboy101


    UsBus wrote: »
    Unfortunately my wife and I will be separating after being together the last 9 years. We are both in our late thirties and it has got to the stage where we don't really get on very well anymore. Nothing bad has happened in the relationship just communication has not been brilliant from time to time. The strains of modern life such as job and house moves have caused a lot of stress between us which we haven't been able to get past. I am absolutely gutted it has come to this but I am going to have to come to terms with it.
    My main problem is my lack of friends & family members to confide in and fill the inevitable void that will be left. I have a quite small family but over the years I have lost contact with the friends I socialised with. They all have their own lives now with wives & kids. I never really had a huge number of friends, just some regular pub goers that you meet up with during your teens & twenties.
    I feel like I have botched up the last decade of my life and am struggling to see what I will do now. Both my wife and I have to move out of our rented house and find places to live. This really terrifies me, either getting a place on my own ( hardly possible to afford ) or getting a room in a house with others. I am at a complete loss as to what to do from here, let alone the thought of being single again, as I don't think I am the type to hit the pubs every weekend again even if I did have friends who would want to do that these days.

    I'm not even sure if there is an answer, I'm just trying to put into words the extreme pain and worry I feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

    Think of the positives

    1. You are young
    2. No mortgage
    3. Soon to have no wife
    4. no kids
    5. In your prime
    6. So many more dishes on the menu than 9 years ago


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    #3
    CeilingFly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,378 ✭✭✭CeilingFly


    Many people have a small circle of friends - but you don't always hear about them. I believe they are in the majority

    I've moved about many times (UK, France, USA) as has my wife, so college / old friends are a past memory, but we see them every now and then. No kids, so no mixing at the school gates.

    Local gyms with classes such as circuit training, spinning etc are great for building up relationships. Old school with a past pupils group, groups with similar interests such as soccer fan clubs / gaa ' golf. Takes time to build friendships especially for guys.


    As for living - one option is to house share or move to a commuter town with good transport links where one bed places are more reasonable. Other advantage of commuter towns is that there are many new faces looking for other new faces


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    #4
    Baybay
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭Baybay


    Do something you've not done before whether it's swimming, golf, a new language, drama, choir, a new job, wine appreciation. It really doesn't matter & it's not so much about meeting new people, well not at the start anyway.
    Challenge your brain so it's not dwelling on your situation 24/7.
    As you see your wife move on in whatever direction she chooses, you won't feel like you're going nowhere by comparison.
    You will be distracted, perhaps learning a new skill & new friends & perhaps romance will follow.
    Do not wallow, however tempting it may be.
    In a year, you don't want her thinking how right she was to move on - you will have moved on.


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,728 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    UsBus wrote: »
    ............

    I'm not even sure if there is an answer, I'm just trying to put into words the extreme pain and worry I feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

    Well if things haven't been great with herself of late you've effectively been alone anyway. I imagine you'll be grand to be honest.

    The void you fear you'll have to deal with might well turn into a whole lot of fun.

    The new place to live etc is a pain in the arse no doubt but quite likely will work out ok too.


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    #6
    tinpib
    Registered Users Posts: 4,478 ✭✭✭tinpib


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    Think of the positives
    2. No mortgage
    4. no kids

    Those are huge to me. I have a friend who got divorced and due to a mortgage will have his ex-wife in his life to some extent for another 30 odd years probably.

    I don't even need to mention number 4.

    Your fears are valid OP but things could be a whole lot worse.


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    #7
    UsBus
    Registered Users Posts: 1,390 ✭✭✭UsBus


    Thanks for all of your very positive replies & feedback. I know my situation is probably not nearly as bad as other people have to deal with.

    I've led a very quiet life as the years have passed. I've given up on hobbies & interests & become more and more reliant on one person. Avoiding the urge to go out and expand my horizons for fear of harming what I thought was a successful relationship. You live and learn...


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You have not botched up the last decade of your life. I know it not easy ending a marriage but you better off apart than staying with someone where your fighting/stressed and unhappy.
    In some ways you are lucky that you have not got a mortgage together or kids other wise you could still be very involved with each other long term.

    I would look for a room in a shared house or apartment. You need to push yourself when you move to your new home to get out and involved in a few things. I would join a gym and do some classes their as it will help you meet new people.
    I would also look into the local school or college evening course as they normally start in Sep/Oct. Not all of these courses are career/exam based. These can be a way of meeting new people with similar interest to you.

    I know it is not easy for you at the moment but things will get better. I would advise you not to start drinking alone or going to the pub every evening as long term this won't help you and booze can make you depressed.

    Rather than looking at the past you need to start looking to the future and make plans to suit your new life.


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    #9
    UsBus
    Registered Users Posts: 1,390 ✭✭✭UsBus


    wise lady wrote: »
    You have not botched up the last decade of your life. I know it not easy ending a marriage but you better off apart than staying with someone where your fighting/stressed and unhappy.
    In some ways you are lucky that you have not got a mortgage together or kids other wise you could still be very involved with each other long term.

    I would look for a room in a shared house or apartment. You need to push yourself when you move to your new home to get out and involved in a few things. I would join a gym and do some classes their as it will help you meet new people.
    I would also look into the local school or college evening course as they normally start in Sep/Oct. Not all of these courses are career/exam based. These can be a way of meeting new people with similar interest to you.

    I know it is not easy for you at the moment but things will get better. I would advise you not to start drinking alone or going to the pub every evening as long term this won't help you and booze can make you depressed.

    Rather than looking at the past you need to start looking to the future and make plans to suit your new life.


    Thanks wise lady,
    Some very helpful steps, I'm already planning to get my gym membership sorted. Whenever I went to the gym previously, i always did my own thing. I think the classes might be a better idea. A room in a shared house is probably my best option for the moment. It feels strange as I have never shared before but it might be what I need at this stage.


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