To those suffering from depression..How did /does your partner deal with it ?

apple_ blossom

Hi All.
I suppose I'm here looking for different perspectives and other people's experiences to help me deal with my own situation ...
For years, on and off, I have suffered from depression and up until about 2 years ago I hadn't dealt with it but instead was trying to pretend I was fine, outwardly, even though inside I was miserable and lost.
I had done my best not to show my true feelings to the outside world for fear of being seen weak, or otherwise judged . Then a couple of years ago I had a total meltdown, I sought help from my GP (went on antidepressants), got counselling, I started talking about it a bit more openly. Just with a very small number of ppl, a couple of family members, a couple of friends and my partner of nearly ten years.I felt I had to let it out of me, my valve was about to burst so to speak.
My issue is that I feel totally let down by him, I always knew that he ' s not great with emotions and crying but I thought I could rely on him a little bit for some comfort during my darkest hours. How wrong was I ! He literally runs away from me when I'm feeling upset, sometimes I get the half arsed " what's wrong with you " but mostly he just ignores me. Or, as a matter of fact he seems to get even annoyed at me when I happen to cry. I'm not all doom and gloom all the time but when I have my low moments he makes me feel hundred times worse to be honest. I feel quite vulnerable as it is then and his coldness towards me is hurtful. He s not generally good at talking about stuff and he tends to shut me down a lot..
I feel he thinks I'm putting it on because other times I function very well and I can be all laughs...we are both 40 and have been together for a long enough time so I did have certain expectations from him... maybe I just can't see what it's like to be the other person , dealing with the partner's ups and downs, and maybe I shouldn't feel entitled to his understanding ..maybe he's just had enough...
I'd genuinely like to hear what your experiences have been.. I feel myself falling out of love with him, I have always at least tried to be there for him but the favour is not being returned I guess..

LegacyUser

I can almost feel your hurt jumping off the page. I think I can provide a small insight from both points of view.

Firstly, I was very good friends with a person who, in (diagnosed) hindsight, suffered from depression. I wasn't his partner, just a good friend. But tbh the lack of diagnosis didn't help him, and it left me floundering, trying to do my best to listen and help, but it never seemed to make any difference. I'm not proud of myself about this, but I eventually (after years) cut him out of my life because I literally could not cope any more with his seemingly random upsets, and need for support no matter what time of day or night, and no matter what was going on in my life (moving jobs, splitting with a partner, sick parent). I'm not saying that you are exactly like that OP, just trying to give a point of view from the partner/close friend side. It's tough going. Very tough. And in my opinion, tougher when undiagnosed and the person tries to hide it, only for the effect of it to 'pop up' at unanticipated times. Or times where there doesn't appear to be an obvious trigger. Again, not trying to make you feel bad, just to give a little perspective on the 'other' point of view.

Second point: I lost a parent to illness, and a friend to suicide, within a month. I had, what I can mildly describe as 'a bit of a breakdown'. Couldn't drag myself out of bed, couldn't be bothered cleaning / cooking / showering. Thankfully I was able to talk about it to close friends. After I think a month of that, I realised that I couldn't just rant / vent / cry at my friends constantly. I mean with the best and most good-natured will in the world, no other person needs or warns that on a medium term basis. I could never see myself 'getting help', but I did. I want to sort myself out, and not impose on my friends any more. Believe me, I had seriously imposed myself. Tbh, I'd expect a partner to 'put up with' more - but people are only human. There's only so much people can take. And some are better at that than others.

So I wouldn't blame your partner. Having been on both sidesvofvthevfence, to varying degrees, I could only handle so much - of others problems, and then my own. Both situations left me so under pressure that I felt overwhelmed, in different ways.

Cut your partner some slack: you weren't able to be honest with yourself , and your partner is probably still picking up the pieces from that. Now you have a build up of feelings coming out - which is a complete turn about in your relationship. So your partner has gone from you keeping a lid on everything, to you letting lots out - not just 'feelings' or emotions, but depression. That's a hell of a huge change for a partner to deal with. It's like upending the relationship. So of course your partner might be scared / uncomfortable /not knowing what to say or do. Not being harsh, but just because you are now able to let your previously bottled up feelings show does not mean that your partner is ready or able for this change.

I know you really need support right now OP, but in a different way, so so does your partner. Their world has changed. I hope ye can work it out. Xx.

racso1975

Hi OP I cannot talk to you about what its like living with somebody who suffers from depression. The main problem that seems to be here is communication though and you acknowledge he's not good with emotions etc

You too have been together for a long time and during your "meltdown" he was there and still is. I suppose that's a positive in a way. Have you tried talking to him during your good moments about how he can be of assistance during your bad moments?

There is a general consensus out there that fella's need to fix stuff and possibly when it comes to this he hasn't a clue how to make it better and is possibly fearful of saying the wrong thing and making it worse so hence he just closes up all together or as you say you get the old "whats wrong with you?"

Are you still going to counselling?

LegacyUser

He's not your therapist though.
"Being there" for someone with depression isn't like being there for someone with a broken arm, or cancer. Mental illness is different. And it can be focused very much inwardly; "I'm down today, I don't feel great, I'm low, I need him to listen to me, I don't feel like going anywhere". Rather than focusing on creating happiness & good memories for other people in your life, regardless.
He hasn't left you, he's still here. But maybe he needs to preserve his *own* mental health as well? Maybe he simply isn't strong enough to support both of you? That doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Rekop dog

It's impossible to comment on specifics without knowing nuances of the relationship.

I've always given anyone a wide berth who've shown signs of depression in relationships as its not fun to be around and you're setting yourself up for a life sentence as heartless as that sounds. Especially those who take advantage of it and wield it out as an excuse for a multitude of unacceptable behaviours, it can be tiring to be around. Almost like there's such a stigma about ever questioning anything re someone's depression it gives certain sufferers a free licence to completely allow it to define them.

So I'd be cutting him some slack as he's stuck with you for a decade which can't have been easy for him if you've been suffering most of that time. How about his feeling? Your post is all about you. Think you set a record for the number of "I's" in a post of that length.

Airyfairy12

I went through fairly bad depression and anxiety while living with a now ex partner, like you he only made me feel worse and offered no support, similarly my family and allot of my friends weren't helpful or supportive at all, if anything they were the total opposite and some of them completely distanced themselves from me because I was a nervous wreck with allot going on. You really get to see peoples true colours when youre going through something. We're all told to talk to friends/family and loved ones if we're suffering from a mental health problem but unfortunately you can end up realising how little some people care when you try to reach out. All you can really do is accept he wont ever be the emotionally supportive partner you need him to be and instead turn to counsellors and people around you who are supportive. Expecting anything from him in terms of emotional support or understanding will only leave you feeling that much more depressed, drained and frustrated. Look after yourself.

Xterminator

Hi OP

I read your post twice and i can completely understand why you feel let down. He could have done better, and he could have made more of an effort.

Have you put yourself in his shoes though. When you were depressed and not communicative were you easy to live with. Be honest with yourself. From his perspective has he had to put up with things too?

Does he have the tools to help you? He may genuinely not know how to deal with his, and his default (like a lot of people) could be to bury his head in the sand and hope it fixes itself.

You know your relationship better than any random stranger, and hopefully you have a good handle on who your partner is, and if he is basically a good person/partner/parent?

Perhaps professional counselling would help you both deal with these feeling that are brewing inside you, and get them out in the open. I for one wouldn't chuck away a relationship that has endured for 'a long time' without trying to deal with the issues, and seeing if he is willing to meet you halfway.

stargazer 68

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

Have you put yourself in his shoes though. When you were depressed and not communicative were you easy to live with. Be honest with yourself. From his perspective has he had to put up with things too?

Does he have the tools to help you? He may genuinely not know how to deal with his, and his default (like a lot of people) could be to bury his head in the sand and hope it fixes itself.
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I have to agree with this. My partner has bouts of 'down' times and it really is exhausting trying to help. One minute he's fine and then something sets it off. Constantly living on the edge - is he going to wake up 'down', come in from work 'down' or will something set it off in the evening - could be anything at all.


And someone said above you realise how little people care - sorry but that simply isn't true - most just don't know what to say or do.

Airyfairy12

Dovies wrote: »

And someone said above you realise how little people care - sorry but that simply isn't true - most just don't know what to say or do.

I don't think it's expected that people to do or say anything other than just try to be understanding and not make matters worse by being insensitive or uncaring. Im not talking about severe mental health issues like bi polar or someone who has a victim mentality, constant 'poor me' attitude or someone whose negative all the time, completely unaware to how others feel and an inability to take any responsibility for themselves (Which sounds like the case with your partner). We all have ups and downs in life, some worse than others and depression can happen to the best of us. It doesnt sound like the OP is a constant moan,dragging everyone around her down all the time and an unwillingness to improve her situation. She held this in for along time and put on a happy face, she did the work by going to a counsellor and taking meds to improve her situation. Im sure if her partner was in need she'd be the first person to support him. He's not just being unsupportive, he's becoming angry at her if she's even upset.

Rekop dog

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I don't think it's expected that people to do or say anything other than just try to be understanding and not make matters worse by being insensitive or uncaring. Im not talking about severe mental health issues like bi polar or someone who has a victim mentality, constant 'poor me' attitude or someone whose negative all the time, completely unaware to how others feel and an inability to take any responsibility for themselves (Which sounds like the case with your partner). We all have ups and downs in life, some worse than others and depression can happen to the best of us. It doesnt sound like the OP is a constant moan,dragging everyone around her down all the time and an unwillingness to improve her situation. She held this in for along time and put on a happy face, she did the work by going to a counsellor and taking meds to improve her situation. Im sure if her partner was in need she'd be the first person to support him. He's not just being unsupportive, he's becoming angry at her if she's even upset.

We literally know nothing about it, how often her mood is low, where or when her crying outburst occur, how supportive/neglectful of his needs she's being. To speculate or criticise him on it is unfair.

You say you find out people's true colours but if your ex, family and a lot of your friends took exception to something it would be narcissistic to think they were the ones in the wrong.

via4

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I went through fairly bad depression and anxiety while living with a now ex partner, like you he only made me feel worse and offered no support, similarly my family and allot of my friends weren't helpful or supportive at all, if anything they were the total opposite and some of them completely distanced themselves from me because I was a nervous wreck with allot going on. You really get to see peoples true colours when youre going through something. We're all told to talk to friends/family and loved ones if we're suffering from a mental health problem but unfortunately you can end up realising how little some people care when you try to reach out. All you can really do is accept he wont ever be the emotionally supportive partner you need him to be and instead turn to counsellors and people around you who are supportive. Expecting anything from him in terms of emotional support or understanding will only leave you feeling that much more depressed, drained and frustrated. Look after yourself.

I totally agree with this post a million percent. The problem in Ireland is the advice on the to is talk to family & friends but the truth is when people see you open up & vulnerable that's their opportunity to kick you when your down. I had an awful time with my emotions growing up expressing myself was frowned upon I was called that many names by my family for asking for a little emotional support it was the worst thing I could have done. I know now to just pretend everything is fine & I let others do the talking about themselves I stay quiet. I know the general consensus is oh talk to someone but from my own experience I have found I feel better by just saying nothing to anyone & this prevents the feeling of being let down. I
You don't have to take this advice at all I'm just sharing what has worked for me.
I find eating well & exercising help so much & try to have something to look forward to. I get so so down when I realise the reality is I don't have a friend I can rely on for anything even though I'm the eejit who emotionally supports everyone but I'm pulling back from this and learning to be more selfish.

ahappychappy

Ok my situ is I was the partner co parent with my to be ex husband for 15 years. He has severe depression hospitalised several times irregulaly engaged medical services. On a number of occasions I had to section him for suicide behaviour, while working full time mum of 2.

It was horrific, having to live with depression and the full blown affect on your mental health when you are the healthy one. So typically the partner with depression gets medication, therapies and support and the other is left to fight for their sanity. In my case outside the door he had the mask on, so when I sought support family and friends thought I was losing it.

I dont for one second compare my struggle with his, he still has my support, but I had to decide I am not losing me to his depression, and accept even if I took full responsibility for everything it wasnt going to make it better.

Get the help you need and maybe try getting couples therapy so ye both can speak with support.

I sincerely wish you continued recovery and good health.

Airyfairy12

via4 wrote: »

I totally agree with this post a million percent. The problem in Ireland is the advice on the to is talk to family & friends but the truth is when people see you open up & vulnerable that's their opportunity to kick you when your down. I had an awful time with my emotions growing up expressing myself was frowned upon I was called that many names by my family for asking for a little emotional support it was the worst thing I could have done. I know now to just pretend everything is fine & I let others do the talking about themselves I stay quiet. I know the general consensus is oh talk to someone but from my own experience I have found I feel better by just saying nothing to anyone & this prevents the feeling of being let down. I
You don't have to take this advice at all I'm just sharing what has worked for me.
I find eating well & exercising help so much & try to have something to look forward to. I get so so down when I realise the reality is I don't have a friend I can rely on for anything even though I'm the eejit who emotionally supports everyone but I'm pulling back from this and learning to be more selfish.

One thing it definitely taught me was to be a little bit selfish and stop extending myself to people who couldnt give two hoots about me. I now only give as much as I get back and no longer bend over backwards for people. That in itself has increased my overall wellbeing and happiness.

Keeping active really does help, also what helped me was having a bit of money put away, even just throw in a few euro each week if I have it and it all adds up, if im having a bad week and need some cheering up ill dip into those savings and buy myself something nice, go for a facial or use it for counselling if needs be. Its the little things