Feel I am missing something- most guys lose interest after few dates

LegacyUser

Hi, posting here with something that has been on my mind lately. It may be a long post but I am writing as it comes into my head and have never discussed this before with anyone.
I'm 29 and the more I think about it, the more I feel that there may be something wrong with me where relationships are concerned and maybe posting my honest feelings and thoughts here might give me some perspective.

I would consider myself fairly sociable, genuine and have never had a problem making friends and I have a good job. I have my interests which include watching most sports, fitness, and music. Lookswise if that is significant I'm no model, but I have a good figure and I have been told I'm physically attractive. My childhood wasn't exactly straightforward but I don't feel this has much of a bearing on my problem so I won't go into it. The only thing I will say is that I am soft when it comes to relationships, maybe it's because of the fact that I never had the normal level of support and treatment one would expect from parents.
Relationship wise, my longest relationship was for 6 months. He was a lovely guy but after about three months he started getting distant, not replying to calls and not making much of an effort to meet up. There were other issues too and after 6 months I felt that we were lacking that spark, and the chemistry that's needed for a relationship to go the distance. His work situation of not being in a steady job and doing odd jobs most weekends didn't help things either. I ended things when I realised things would never change and we wanted different things.
Before and after him, I have had various short lived things (4-8 weeks) and most of these ended up one of two ways. Guy loses interest but won't come out and say it. The contact and meet-ups drop and they use various excuses such as they are really busy, they might be going travelling, they never got over their ex. Eventually I end things as I know these are all just excuses and if the guy was really interested, they would want to continue things. I guess my pride has come into play here too as in a few situations, once I had clear indications the guy wasn't interested, it almost became like a race for me to end it first. While I would consider myself quite soft when it comes to dating and relationships, I am not prepared to wait around for someone who has clearly lost interest in me/us.

The second way things have generally fizzled out is that out of the blue the guy ends it. When I say out of the blue I mean that things were going really well, both of us seemed mutually interested and he would have initiated plans for a weekend away or an event a few weeks/month down the line. Then they would text or call and end things, leaving me fairly confused/hurt.
It seems to me like I am missing that "something" that makes a guy want to be in a relationship. I don't feel like I push things when I am seeing someone. I am generally happy to see how things go, enjoy dates and see what happens. I have probably developed an anxiety about dating and all that goes with it now as in the cases where the guy lost interest but still wouldn't end it, I practically drove myself mad with the "not knowing" and trying to figure out what was going on. When I eventually ended things the feeling of relief that I now knew where I stood was actually more prevalent then the disappointment of things being over. It's only now when I have had a prolonged period of being single that I am thinking back over all of these. It just seems like guys are happy to date me, have the 4 or 5 dates and before things look like we might sleep together, it all just fizzles out. When this has happened so much, I can't help thinking there is something glaringly obvious to everyone except me that I am missing something that makes them want to take things further. Two guys I had been seeing were either seeing someone else at the same time or very soon after and both have ended up married to these girls so I sort of find that a bit hard to take. I'm probably thinking about this a lot recently as most of my friends except two girls are married or engaged to be married to lovely guys and at times I do get a bit down wondering if I will ever have that.
I know this is one big long ramble but I just typed my honest feelings as they came into my head. Thanks for reading.

leggo

OP, rather than give you a big spiel, all I'll say is this: have a scan through topics on this forum alone and click on all the ones with similar thread titles. See how there are so many of them that are similar to yours? You are definitely NOT alone on this. This is dating today and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Granted, it doesn't find you a boyfriend any quicker, but it might offer you some solace that so many others are going through the same thing. Just keep going and trust the process that eventually one day you'll find yourself sitting across from someone where it'll stick, and in the meantime don't put too much pressure on yourself or your dates, just enjoy life, have fun and assure yourself it'll happen when it's meant to. If you do put pressure on it, that's how you create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you start over-reaching and THEN you'll push people away.

LegacyUser

I wanted to reply to this because I feel a lot like you and in some ways it felt like I was reading my own post. But, when I'm thinking rationally and not with my emotions, I know that its not me and wanted to make sure you know that too.

I'm a few years older than you but, like you, (not being big headed) I'm attractive, smart, kind, funny and completely genuine. I have plenty of hobbies - mainly sporting ones - and I'm sociable although I can be quiet in a group until I get to know people.

Also, like you, my childhood wasn't great. My parents were absent a lot and I was also sexually molested on and off (not by my parents!) between the age of 9 and 11.

When I meet a guy where I think there is potential, I'm don't play games and I'm probably overly kind and generous and "soft". I've been told by a few guys (when they ended things after a couple of months) that they found it hard to connect with me and I wasn't very open so more recently I've tried to be far my open from the beginning but this has led to me having my heart broken and me still being told that they find it hard to make an emotional connection with me. It's very hard to get breakup texts telling you how amazing you are and that you're almost the girl of their dreams but then stating that he doesn't want to progress the relationship. And then a few months later, he's living with someone/having a baby with someone/in a serious relationship.

Honestly, I could probably just copy and paste most of your post here and it would literally be how I feel. But that just proves my point - it's 100% not you. There is nothing missing from you and there is nothing wrong with you.

Yellow pack crisps

Whether you have worked things out and now understand your upbringing will probably give you answers. Our ability to forge successful, happy and healthy relationships are pretty much formed from birth through to adulthood and they can affect us hugely as adults if we don/t for the better words re-wire our own feelings on them. Have you just put those thoughts of non supportive parents to the back of your mind or have you dealt with them?

As the poster above rightly says, dating today is a mind field of the people you describe in your OP. The question is why are you choosing them? Or even attracted to types like that. Being easy going and going with the flow is nice and cool and only works if you have a clear image in your mind of what type of person you want and don't want. You can be clear about what you want without being thought of as high maintenance or needy. You have your own cards and its up to you how you choose to play them. You did not come across as excited about any of those guys more a case of 'Oh well' and then when you're single for a while that turns into 'It must be me'. It is partly you and seeking someone who you are excited about and not just filling some void we all have occasionally, focus on yourself and making your own life as fulfilling and as happy as it can be and things will happen organically and naturally.

LegacyUser

whatznew wrote: »

My childhood wasn't exactly straightforward but I don't feel this has much of a bearing on my problem

Yes, it does. Everything we bring to new relationships, everything, good or bad, has its foundations in our childhood. The unsupportive relationships that you had in your developing years are affecting your relationships now. You don't see it, the same as most people don't see it, but that doesn't change the fact that your childhood is affecting your choices and behaviour in relationships now. It's years and years of learning and conditioning from the people who gave you life and looked after you, there is no way for any of us to approach adult relationships without being affected by that, no way at all.

Do yourself a favour and address that fact, by counselling, talking with friends, reading up on it or whatever suits you. Do it soon, so when a good opportunity with the right fella comes along, you're more ready.

silverharp

OP , realistically numbers wise it will be more difficult as most men that want the "picket fence and 2.5" or at least long term relationships are mostly either married or will be in the next couple of years so you will have to kiss a few frogs. Curious though was it always an issue? when you were in your early to mid twenties, what was happening then? what kind of guys were you dating? did you reject guys that in hindsight you wish youd thought differently about? did you set the bar too high in a way that you would get dates but they wouldn't hang around?

Bambi985

Are you meeting most of these guys online?

I found the same when I was in my mid-late 20s and doing the tinder/whatever else thing. The online scene has injected a bit of a cultural shift into dating I think, where behaviours such as flakiness and lack of commitment and multi-dating are easy to get away with and I find it general these sites/apps attract people who tend to be avoidant personality types because it's so easy to be that way and not be held accountable for it. It's so easy to date five people at once and the tendency is not to stick around and see how the relationship develops, but rather to chase chase chase get bored move on and chase again.

Just my 0.02c anyway. If you're doing a lot of online dating, maybe think about toning it down and building up your social circle offline instead. I'm sure you're sick of hearing it, but clubs, evening courses, work social events and nights out with friends and friends of friends will take the pressure off and the anxiety away so you can at least begin to have fun again. Start to think about what YOU really want to do - going on a different tinder date every week is probably not it. Any short-term or long-term goals you can be working on? Run a triathlon or learn a foreign language or something? What you need to do now is to build up your confidence and stop from having it quashed by these half-hearted dating scenarios that go nowhere. The better you feel about yourself, the less inclined your self-esteem is to fall into the hands of these guys when it's so much better placed elsewhere.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Regarding the lack of support from my parents and if I have dealt with it. I have in the sense that I've realised things will never change there and I can't rely on them for a whole pile. It doesn't make it hurt any less but at least I don't have unrealistic expectations.
In my teens and early 20s I had no confidence and to be honest if any guy was interested I was flattered. Looking back and comparing guys I was with back then to guys I've been with in the past few years, I realise now that I never really had deep feelings for any of them. I guess when I was younger being in a relationship wasn't the focus and I was more into travelling on my holidays and I felt I had lots of time so it never bothered me.

In recent years I guess I met 3 or 4 guys including my ex boyfriend that really interested me. These are the cases I refer to where things never went beyond a few dates. One guy out of these was someone I knew through family and I fell for him badly and we gave things a go twice. He ended it the final time and I found out from family that he had been seeing someone the whole time. He is now engaged to marry her.

It ended the same way with two other guys. We had four or five dates, things were going well and I was enjoying meeting up with them. Then the contact decreased and the effort to meet up seemed to be coming from me alone. I said to them after a week or two of this that I was getting the sense things had changed and if that was the case no problem, just let me know. Both of them got angry and denied they had lost interest, they were just busy and all the usual excuses. I ended things with both of them partly because I'm not prepared to wait around for someone and partly because once I knew their interest had diminished I didn't want to be hurt so felt ending things was my only option.

Bambi- I totally get what you're saying about dating having changed now and this is part of why I posted here. I tried tinder and while I had a few dates and met two of the guys I did like on it, I think I'm too soft for it. I guess I always have it in the back of my head that guys think I'm ok for a few dates but then once they go back on tinder and see someone they prefer they are gone. I don't expect someone to stay seeing me if they don't think it will go anywhere but it just hurts when this has happened before and happens again. I was seeing someone for a while earlier this year and even though he wasn't making an effort he used every excuse under the sun like his job and the distance of an hour between us. He even met up to discuss "us" and told me some personal stuff. He told me that we got on really well on the dates we went on and he laid everything out. I'm not proud that I did this but I replied saying that if we got on as well as he said we did we'd be still seeing each other. I think that experience has left me thinking about something I may be lacking that guys I am genuinely interested in and get on with only like me for so long and then the excuses start. I didn't even try online dating as I think if I had a bad experience it would ruin my opinion of guys which isn't fair. I really like and get on with all my friends boyfriends and husbands and I don't want a bad experience of online dating to make me become one of those women who says "I hate men".

Being honest I find the whole dating thing now sort of baffling. I don't know if it's because I consider myself quite soft, not that I accept crappy behaviour or would settle for just anyone but I find the lack of honesty and the sweatshop mentality too much to deal with.

Emme

silverharp wrote: »

OP , realistically numbers wise it will be more difficult as most men that want the "picket fence and 2.5" or at least long term relationships are mostly either married or will be in the next couple of years so you will have to kiss a few frogs. Curious though was it always an issue? when you were in your early to mid twenties, what was happening then? what kind of guys were you dating? did you reject guys that in hindsight you wish youd thought differently about? did you set the bar too high in a way that you would get dates but they wouldn't hang around?

Talk about rubbing salt into a wound! :eek:

Have you any idea what it is like for women these days? It used to be that older women found the dating scene difficult but from what I see younger women are having just as hard a time of it these days. A lot of them get messed around because they don't set the bar high enough! They ignore red flags and bad behaviour in the hope that he will improve but he doesn't. Most people (male and female) have to kiss a few frogs before they settle down.

How many men in their 20s and 30s can afford the picket fence and 2.5 kids dream with the cost of living these days?

I agree with the poster who suggested that the OP lay off online dating and try to meet people in the real world instead.

silverharp

Emme wrote: »

Talk about rubbing salt into a wound! :eek:

Have you any idea what it is like for women these days? It used to be that older women found the dating scene difficult but from what I see younger women are having just as hard a time of it these days. A lot of them get messed around because they don't set the bar high enough! They ignore red flags and bad behaviour in the hope that he will improve but he doesn't. Most people (male and female) have to kiss a few frogs before they settle down.

How many men in their 20s and 30s can afford the picket fence and 2.5 kids dream with the cost of living these days?

I agree with the poster who suggested that the OP lay off online dating and try to meet people in the real world instead.

ah here, Im not trying to rub salt in, I was just curious about her relative lack of success either in her late teens or early twenties and I certainly wasn't suggesting she should have dated anyone that happened to show up. However I find it odd that in a lot of cases the guys she was dating would slink off after very short periods. On the assumption she wasn't driving them away somehow it might imply that she was dating guys that weren't that into her from the start possibly? or maybe she was dating guys that she kind of knew or ought to have known were flakey.

LegacyUser

silverharp wrote: »

ah here, Im not trying to rub salt in, I was just curious about her relative lack of success either in her late teens or early twenties and I certainly wasn't suggesting she should have dated anyone that happened to show up. However I find it odd that in a lot of cases the guys she was dating would slink off after very short periods. On the assumption she wasn't driving them away somehow it might imply that she was dating guys that weren't that into her from the start possibly? or maybe she was dating guys that she kind of knew or ought to have known were flakey.

Just to reply to this. As I said in my reply yesterday I would like to think that I have higher standards nowadays than I would have had in my early twenties but at the same time being in a relationship was never a priority for me then. I travelled quite a bit and enjoyed life and I guess I never met anyone I was interested in enough to make me want to commit to or change the kind of lifestyle I had.
The instances I am speaking about have been over the last three to four years. I met my ex boyfriend on tinder and two of the other guys the same way. I knew the other guy through family for a good while and used to see him on nights out. I do regret going back to him and I can't explain why. It seems like we were really good on paper and while we got on well, there was something probably missing but yet I developed serious feelings for him.
I posted her because I am wondering if there is something I am missing or something blatantly obvious that I am doing it not doing. When things seemed to be going downhill with the two guys where things ended similarly, a friend told me that I was acting very hastily and maybe I needed to leave it and things would work themselves out. I disagreed with this as in one case even though the guy was in England for a few days, I didn't hear from him for a week or more and this was coming from where we were in contact every day or every second day. There is a part of me that has my guard up and once I felt the interest was going on his part I didn't see the point in sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind. Maybe she had a point though.

I spoke to a friend about this recently and she was taken aback that I feel like this. The only way I can describe it is that guys think I'm good enough for a few dates and then once something better comes along I am cast aside. Two guys I was seeing are engaged to the girls they were seeing either at the same time or straight after me. I also can genuinely say that these guys were into me at the start. They left me in no doubt that they were interested in arranging things and we were in contact pretty regularly. One guy mentioned booking a night away together over Christmas and this was the beginning of December. A few days later the contact almost stopped. I guess the fact that I was left in no doubt that the guy was interested that it made it pretty easy to see when they had got bored of me/us as I had gotten sort of used to things and when things changed on their part I knew in my gut "here we go again".
Also I should probably add that I never slept with any of these guys, they seemed to go strange before this happened, as in we would have discussed a night out together or a night in one of our houses where sex might be on the cards and it was after this they went strange.

LegacyUser

whatznew wrote: »

Regarding the lack of support from my parents and if I have dealt with it. I have.....

You haven't dealt with it and here's how I know;

whatznew wrote: »

I guess I always have it in the back of my head that guys think I'm ok for a few dates but then once they go back on tinder and see someone they prefer they are gone.

If you don't think you're good enough for a relationship, how is anyone else going to think it? If you think you're only good enough for a few dates, without you even saying that, it's transmitting itself to prospective partners. People will often tell you that confidence is a very attractive feature and it's a bit of a no-brainer. Think about this, if you met a fella and he told you, even in subtle ways, that he wasn't good enough for you, you wouldn't stick around, would you?

As it happens, for you, the vibe you gave off wasn't so subtle, the messages you sent saying to let you know if it's over will have been seen as quite aggressive and demanding and would generally be met with with an angry or defensive response, as you got. They were a bit much for the early days, if someone ghosts in the first few weeks or months, let them. It says more about them than you and you don't need to know their reasons, you just need to get on with it.

Those messages also weren't aimed at those men, they were a shot at your parents. You were saying things that you couldn't say to your parents when they were letting you down, you were too young. We all do it, mostly without ever realising, that unherd child is still there. Trust me, whether you realise it or not yet and even if you think that all sounds like psychobabble, you're replaying those let downs and disappointments.

As I said in my earlier post, address that childhood before it affects any more of your future.

professore

silverharp wrote: »

ah here, Im not trying to rub salt in, I was just curious about her relative lack of success either in her late teens or early twenties and I certainly wasn't suggesting she should have dated anyone that happened to show up. However I find it odd that in a lot of cases the guys she was dating would slink off after very short periods. On the assumption she wasn't driving them away somehow it might imply that she was dating guys that weren't that into her from the start possibly? or maybe she was dating guys that she kind of knew or ought to have known were flakey.

I know what you mean, I remember seeing girls dating guys and if the guy had a t-shirt saying "I'm not into this girl, it's only a bit of fun for me" it couldn't have been more obvious EXCEPT to the girl in question. Generally guys who have their pick of women act like this. The same thing happens to guys too.

A previous poster alluded to the whole 2.5 kids and picket fence thing, this is the female equivalent of that guy who only wants a girl with massive boobs or whatever. It is a massive turn off to think some girl is into you because you tick all these boxes. Then when you go through a rough patch in life she is gone because you have to sell the picket fence house.

I'm so happy I met my wife in my mid 20s when I was completely broke, all my worldly goods fit in 2 large sports bags, fresh out of college and no job, and we built everything together. Would be a nightmare to be a "mark" like that.

I've probably gone massively rambling off course here, but the point is maybe OP you are giving off vibes like this, perhaps unconsciously?

silverharp

whatznew wrote: »

Just to reply to this.....

it might be just the whole tinder thing, guys in their 30's that have their sh1t together will know the dating scene has moved in their favour , they are probably dating other girls at the same time and when it comes to the crunch they back off, you are probably best getting involved in some social stuff where if you meet a guy you are less likely to be on a "short list".

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies here. Just a few more points that I've realised over the past while that may or may not affect things
Looking back on past relationships or when I was seeing guys for a month or more, I think back on some of the stuff I have said and the way I behaved and honestly I just cringe and am embarrassed for myself. The only time I am not embarrassed over things I said or the way I acted is with my ex that I ended it with. The guy I knew through family ended it with me and I was really upset and instead of pretending it was ok and trying to save face because we see each other pretty often, I actually asked him if he was afraid of sleeping together or was it an issue for him. I told him how I really liked him and I was very upset over it. I did the same with another guy when I ended it with him as he seemed to have lost interest. I was confused at how things changed so much and one night a few weeks later I texted him to know what happened as things just changed so quickly. I don't seem to be able to act like a normal person when these things end. I find the rejection really hard and if you were a friend of mine you probably wouldn't believe that as I come across quite together generally. So that's another thing I guess I would like to change. I saw the guy I knew through my family at a wedding before Christmas and I honestly felt sick all day and was so anxious at seeing him. I know this isn't normal but I don't know how to change it.
I genuinely look at other girls my age and they are so happy with their partners and I'm ashamed to admit but I sometimes wonder what's so wrong with me that nobody ever really wanted to stick around. Even the fact that I didn't even get to the stage of sleeping with these guys has to mean something. They obviously don't see me as very attractive because normally if a guy has a chance of sleeping with a girl he goes for it, that's what we are told anyway.
Is there any way I can change this pattern of thinking as at the moment I could think of nothing worse than having to go on another date, or start seeing someone for the same thing to happen. I know this is so defeatist but I've never really spoke about this to anyone and the longer it's gone on, the more it bothers me.

Emme

professore wrote: »

I know what you mean, I remember seeing girls dating guys and if the guy had a t-shirt saying "I'm not into this girl, it's only a bit of fun for me" it couldn't have been more obvious EXCEPT to the girl in question. Generally guys who have their pick of women act like this. The same thing happens to guys too.

A previous poster alluded to the whole 2.5 kids and picket fence thing, this is the female equivalent of that guy who only wants a girl with massive boobs or whatever. It is a massive turn off to think some girl is into you because you tick all these boxes. Then when you go through a rough patch in life she is gone because you have to sell the picket fence house.

I'm so happy I met my wife in my mid 20s when I was completely broke, all my worldly goods fit in 2 large sports bags, fresh out of college and no job, and we built everything together. Would be a nightmare to be a "mark" like that.

I've probably gone massively rambling off course here, but the point is maybe OP you are giving off vibes like this, perhaps unconsciously?

I posted about the 2.5 kids and picket fence. What I meant was that it is difficult for young couples who want to buy a house and start a family. It has nothing to do with a guy being a target because he has a house, car and all the trimmings.

Women have a relatively short period of time in which to have children. Men can wait for a much longer time. If a woman doesn't met the right man in time she can have a child on her own by using a sperm donor if she wishes but it is not easy to be a one parent family.

I would advise the OP not to date for a while but join clubs and get involved in activities she enjoys. That means that if she doesn't meet Mr Right she won't have wasted her time in fruitless searching.

silverharp

whatznew wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies here. Just a few more points that I've realised over the past while that may or may not affect things...

you are a bit of a puzzler alright , based on what you said so far it might be a communication issue with how you carry yourself. if you are anxious maybe you show this in some way? too talkative, too serious or over sharing, poor flirting skills. Maybe not listening to what the guy has to say /not taking an interest. All I can imagine is that you are coming across as very reserved or a bit cold, so whatever the guys liked about you to ask you out kinda faded.