Child Maintenance

TrumpTower

Hi All, any advice would be appreciated.

I have recently started paying child maintenance and also have an access plan in place for my son. I will be able to take him home for weekends with me. The mother in general has been civil with me but one thing has come up and I am not sure where i stand on it.

I asked her for a change of clothes for when i have him the weekends. She said she thinks I should build up a separate wardrobe for him and keep clothes there for him. I think its a strange request and she is being awkward. There is a difference between just being awkward and being legally wrong however so I haven't challenged it until I inform myself better.

I would have thought my maintenance payments should cover clothes among other things.
If I buy him clothes at any point, e.g as a present I would think it weird that he could not take it with him and have the full value of it.

Does anyone know if child maintenance explicitly covers clothing and whether I can challenge this for being legally wrong or for just what in my opinion is morally wrong

Thanks.

Cortina_MK_IV

To be honest I think there is a practicality in it. Kids being kids will have little accidents and frankly I'd agree with her that you should over a period of time build up a little wardrobe for him.

lollsangel

Both houses should be a home to your imo. Youll pick up a few cheap bits for him for your place in penneys or the like.

I think both of you are being awkward over clothes

m'lady

Sorry op but I think you are being a bit awkward.

Your child should feel at home as much as possible when he is in your house, and if he has to be sent off with a little bag each time he is going there, rather than clothes being there he may never accept it as his house too.

Also it's very difficult to plan clothes in this country in advance, so that would be very difficult for his mother packing to cover every eventuality every time.

He's your son, you are paying maintenance but that shouldn't mean that's the last of the expenses for your child.

august12

TrumpTower wrote:

I would have thought my maintenance payments should cover clothes among other things. If I buy him clothes at any point, e.g as a present I would think it weird that he could not take it with him and have the full value of it.

Cortina_MK_IV wrote:

To be honest I think there is a practicality in it. Kids being kids will have little accidents and frankly I'd agree with her that you should over a period of time build up a little wardrobe for him.

Would agree with all the comments so far in this forum. The most important issue here is the welfare of your child, you need to make him feel as safe and loved as possible, have everything in your new home for your child that would be available to him in his mother's home, security is so important to children.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you see your child as a visitor to your house, or do you see your house as his to enjoy too? Clothes will be something that will pass between the houses. If he comes to you in clothes and gets dirty, you should change his clothes and wash the dirty ones. It might mean that he goes home in "your" clothes, but then you have "her" clothes in your house for the next time he comes.

You shouldn't look at maintenance and contributing towards your child as what is the minimum you can legally get away with! If he lived with you full time you'd be spending an awful lot more than the set amount of maintenance on him, regularly! Incidental things that cost money - new clothes, a new toy occasionally when in town, a day out in a play centre or zoo etc. all cost "extra". Will you never spend money on those things because you think your maintenance should cover it?

Yes she should have sent a change of clothes with him (did she?) But yes, you should also have a few bits in your house for him too. Toothbrush, change of clothes, nappies, wipes, some toys. Just a few bits to make your house home too. It's not going to cost a lot.

myshirt

Build up a little wardrobe for the kid, noting a very important point that has been made here. Your child is not a visitor or a lodger.

It can be hard on a child with parents apart. Maybe this woman is one who uses the child as a weapon. Maybe not. Maybe she is not putting your maintenance money to best use. Maybe she is. Bottom line is the child cannot be growing up in a battlefield of tension, little digs, and petty squabbles. Bite down hard, see the bigger picture, and make the child at home.

RocketRaccoon

I'll echo the sentiments from everyone else, get him a little wardrobe set up, it'll help him settle quicker. I have my 8 year old daughter every weekend and she has more clothes in my house than I do.

jimmycrackcorm

TrumpTower wrote:

I would have thought my maintenance payments should cover clothes among other things. If I buy him clothes at any point, e.g as a present I would think it weird that he could not take it with him and have the full value of it.

Op, do you think your payments pay for everything for your child? Your child's mother is also contributing financially significantly.

You need to get away from this idea that your responsibility to your child ends at paying maintenance.

Big Bag of Chips

If you think you shouldn't provide clothes because your maintenance should cover that, do you also think your ex should send all his food with him because your maintenance covers that too?

He's your son. Your maintenance covers day to day costs. There will always be extras when it comes to children.

thunderduck

Get him a few bits in tescos or pennys will cost very little and will cement in the childs mind that your house is also home

SEPT 23 1989

You don't need to rock the boat over minor things like this

TrumpTower

Thanks for the feedback guys...
I do have things in the house for him, all the bits and bobs, toys, bed, food etc.
I have bought him clothes on top of maintenance but always with the intention of letting him take it with him and certainly don't feel my responsibility stops at maintenance, i applied for guardianship and got it with knowledge of the responsibility that goes with it.

I may be looking at this with too pessimistic a view as I have been through a lot with this woman to the point where I had to get a safety order so I am probably over sensitive and cautious of anything she says or does right now.

I hadn't challenged her on this but thought I should get some independent and unbiased opinions which you have given me and what struck a chord most with me is the psychological side of him feeling more at home and not a visitor which i agree his own wardrobe will help with.

I will build up and maintain a wardrobe for him.

Thanks all.

RocketRaccoon

To make it better for both you and your son, bring him in with you to pick out a few bits to wear. If he's at that age obviously.

august12

TrumpTower wrote:

I hadn't challenged her on this but thought I should get some independent and unbiased opinions which you have given me and what struck a chord most with me is the psychological side of him feeling more at home and not a visitor which i agree his own wardrobe will help with.

It's understandable to be on the defensive given how bitter breakups can be, sometimes the adults lose sight of the innocent children tangled up in this mess, it's lovely to build up a secure and loving home for your child but the most important thing to build is a close bond with your child, a wardrobe of clothes is just that, a close bond with happy memories will last a lifetime. Good luck and hope all works out well.

lifeandtimes

When you build up your wardrobe what will happen is when he comes to you he will be sent home in the clothes you got him. Then you can easy he clothes and when he comes to stay again maybe he'll be in the clothes he left your house with or not but either way there will be some swapping.

My ex and I do an exchange at the end of the month of any clothes that we bought and these are usually washed by the other person.

Your child will grow and the clothes will be bought more frequently

AidanadiA

When my daughter was younger and had only started staying nights I gave a bag of bits so she could have her things in both homes. Bedding, PJ's, a few toys, a few changes of clothes.

My issue started with when I'd send her down in nice clean clothes, she'd come back in dirty(understandable as kids get dirty), mismatched (odd socks, wrong ages/sizes) clothes that no longer fit her, and he'd hold on to whatever I had sent her down in for "Next Time". I asked if he had gotten her anything to replenish the clothes that she'd outgrown and his response was similar to the idea that I needed to supply everything because he was paying maintenance.

So I'm buying clothes and they are being left in his and she can't wear them the rest of the two weeks when she's with me. It's difficult enough to keep them in clothes without the wardrobe being depleted from over nights at her dad, and even her grandparents.

Your Ex might understand this, she might want you to have a stock so that whatever the kido comes home in is good to go, you also get whatever she sends him down in. Instead of a depleting wardrobe you have a rotating one.