Scared of long-term commitment because I've never 'played the field'.

LegacyUser

There's not really any way of asking for advice on this without coming across as a bit silly or immature but it's still an issue for me nonetheless. I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 33. We are together two years but we're now in the stage of talking about strengthening our commitment to each other through marriage. I'm a faithful chap and always have been, and this is just the next logical step for us.

My one problem is that I have never played the field, so I feel like getting married and committing to one relationship for the rest of my life is a scary prospect. I somehow feel as if I've missed out on life by not having sex with lots of people. I've only ever had sex with my first love who I was with from 18-21 and my current girlfriend who I've been with since I was 24.

Everyone else goes at it like rabbits in their 20s with lots of different people. I've never been the most confident guy but I know that's it's the societal norm for people to hook up with each other through whatever the dating site de jeour is. I've simply never had the experience of 'playing the field'. When I broke up with the first girlfriend, I ended up kissing quite a number of different girls on nights out and stuff between ages 21-24, but I was never sexually active during that phase.

My question mostly relates to whether I'm missing out on much? My girlfriend is more experienced than me and has been with several guys, which is no problem in and of itself. But I can't help but feel bad that I haven't had the promiscuous phase of life that most people my age have been through. I just don't know what it's like, that level of excitement. Thanks for any help.

Mr. Incognito

Ive done it for 15 years,

Its shallow, soulless, and getting sti checks is not fun.

It gets old fast and the fantasy is better than the reality.

Enjoy your partner

Big Bag of Chips

You were single for 3 years in your 20s and didn't "go at it like rabbits" with lots of different people. Why not? Do you think you would now? I think 26 is very young for a man to be eyeing up marriage and settling down. Your gf is at a different stage to you, but that's ok. It's ok for you to not be there yet.

Only you can decide whether or not you'd risk losing her from your life for a chance at something that may or may not happen.

Also, not everyone is at it like rabbits! A few are, probably similar numbers are not. Don't be fooled by the hype!!

silverharp

unsure2017 wrote: »

I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 33. We are together two years but we're now in the stage of talking about strengthening our commitment to each other through marriage. I'm a faithful chap and always have been, and this is just the next logical step for us.

I couldnt help picking up on this, "normally" a 26 year old man wouldnt be thinking of marriage after just 2 years. is it a genuine joint line of thinking or is it more coming from her side? a problem I see is that assuming you both want kids is its something you would need to get cracking on with after a year or so. So parking missing out on the mythical promiscuous part of your life are you happy to settle down so quick into full on married life with kids, if so good luck to you! just make sure its not a potential source of resentment in the future.

Rekop dog

Your opening line suggest you're settling down before you're ready. It's not silly or immature, you are young. Don't be rushed into anything you're not fully comfortable with, or be made feel older than you are just because your gf's age may dictate that. You're 26, there's ample time for marriage and kids further down the line.

And yes I think it's far preferable to have a few years playing the field so you'll know what truly makes you happy and not be left wondering and then go off and have some kind of mid life crisis further down the road.

I don't think these things rear their head when someone is fully happy with their sex lives tbh, be it the regularity or just getting bored with partner. If you feel like that now it's only going to get worse with time so worth having a serious think at this juncture whether her alone is going keep you interested for the rest of your life. It can be much better with someone else and you'd never dream of questioning it.

Rave.ef

If your really asking the question you already know the answer

cbmonstra

I'm the gf in this situation, going out with a guy 2 years and we are similar ages to you and your oh.

My advice to you is, if you are having these feelings, and you feel you are missing out on these experiences, you might want to think about breaking up with your gf.

I am sure she is well aware of the possibility of you feeling this way, as I am with my bf. If she's anything like me, she would want you to be happy, and enjoy as fulfilling a life as possible. She wouldn't want to hold you back.

The thing is, I don't think it's fair of you to string her along if you aren't getting everything you want out of the relationship. If you are together 2 years already, she may be hoping you guys are settling down. I think it would be best to cut ties now if you want to play the field. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for both of you.

I hope this helps.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You were single for 3 years in your 20s and didn't "go at it like rabbits" with lots of different people. Why not? Do you think you would now? I think 26 is very young for a man to be eyeing up marriage and settling down. Your gf is at a different stage to you, but that's ok. It's ok for you to not be there yet.!

Hey, thanks for your reply. Honestly, I didn't have lots of sex when I was single because of chronic shyness and low self-esteem that worsened after my first girlfriend left me. I was only ever able to attract girls when I was out drinking because I'd lose the shyness temporarily, but the problem was that when drinking sex doesn't really happen for me. Thus, I never had sex when I was single.

I feel a bit young to marry but there is a complication in that we are in a long-distance relationship and for it to flourish I think we both need to be together in the one place for 90% of the time instead of 40%. I could stay in her country but I'd prefer to settle in Ireland together, and as much as I'll probably get stick for this, marriage makes things a lot easier in that regard (she's from outside of Europe).

The truth is that the relationship is genuine and we've spent a lot of time together in her country over the 2 years because I work a job that could be described as location independent. She's also visited Ireland and met my family etc and they all really like her. The issue is, that there is no other feasible way of allowing us to settle in Ireland than marriage. I would definitely like to marry some day but I feel like the situation calls for accelerating that in order to continue the relationship.

So now that I'm contemplating marriage this other stuff about not playing the field is coming into my mind.

witchgirl26

OP I think you maybe need to reasses what you think everyone is doing in their 20's versus what tv shows. I'm a similar age to your gf and have only been with 3 guys (including my OH). My OH is same age and has only been with 5 including me and a previous long term relationship. Not everyone is "going at it like rabbits". And like someone else said, if you were single for 3 years and didn't during that time, what do you think stopped you? Do you have friends who are single at the moment and you're the only one coupled and are feeling left out of the group for that? I don't mean that in a bad way but it can be hard to be the odd one out in either way.

It's not all about the quantity of partners but the quality.

Look if you're not sure about settling down and getting married, that's perfectly fine but don't use something like that as an excuse. I think having an honest conversation with your gf about where you both are in life and in your relationship is needed. I have friends who are a couple and similar ages who are having their 2nd baby now but the progression of their relationship was discussed thoroughly before they had their first to ensure they both were in the same place relationship wise.

racso1975

witchgirl26 wrote: »

It's not all about the quantity of partners but the quality.

^^^^^ x 1000 times. Look the majority of people have had ONS but I have always found that sex/love making is always better with somebody you are comfortable with or love. Dont get me wrong ONS can be grand if you are not in a relationship and just looking for sex but noting beats that feeling afterwards of cuddling into the one you love and being able to tell them that without a huge amount of awkwardness.

You would be a lunatic to not be scared on some level of committing to one person for the rest of your life but there is nothing wrong with that either. You just need to explore those fears and if having copious amount of sex with random people is one of them then ask yourself why?

1) is it so you can have a bigger "number"?
2) Is your current sex life not satisfying you?
3) What exactly is it you think you'll be missing out on?

Look only you will know if this is an itch too big and it needs to be scratched (Thats not a pun on the STI comment earlier ) but remember the grass will always be greener on the otherside so think hard about what you are giving up too

ibarelycare

I think it's completely understandable how you're feeling. You have a curiosity about "playing the field", there's nothing wrong with that. It's all well and good people telling you that it's not all it's cracked up to be (it is for some people, it's not for others), but it's something you'd have to experience yourself to come to that conclusion. Whether or not you think it's something you can live without experiencing is the real question.

I think the bigger issue is that you're talking about marriage with a woman who you don't even live in the same country as. And you're only 26. She really is at a different stage of life to you. Many 33-year-old women are concerned about their fertility and will be keen to settle down and find someone to have a family with. Are you ready for that?

LegacyUser

I don't think the lack of playing the field is your issue at all, it's a symptom, not a cause.

When relationships are right, people don't look elsewhere and they don't feel they missed out, they're glad they met the right person and everything that led them there was the right thing. You're looking at your relationship now and you're not happy with it and this "regret" is how that unhappiness is manifesting itself for you. You don't wish you had done something different, you wish you were doing something different, you just don't appear to be ready to admit that yet.

Normally I would say age gaps aren't a problem, but they are when they are a stage of life or needs gap. In your case, that gap, along with the fact that you're actually together only a short time overall and really together even less based on your 40% figure, means your relationship is not right. Also, while you don't say it explicitly, you allude to the feeling that the marriage would be in part for immigration reasons.

All in all, you have a problem with the relationship and you need to start having a look at that instead of looking at the past and imagining that's where your problem lies.

kylith

I think that this fear of yours that you have missed out is a manifestation of fear of marrying someone, the possibility of children, and a general feeling of unreadyness.

You say that your word is location independent: why not move to her country for a while so you can live together and try the idea out?

Idle Passerby

2 years together is not a particularly long relationship, added to that it's long distance and the fact marriage is being considered as a logistical solution doesn't sound like a good foundation to me and that's leaving aside your hesitancy to make a long term commitment.

I think you should take marriage off the table for now and find a way to live in the same country for a time before considering it seriously again. You don't sound ready to marry yet. You should be 100% sure it's what you want to commit to before making that decision.