not sure

ntipptop

Hi looking for advice or other opinions

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years
and a couple of weeks ago she declared that she no longer has any feelings for me

we had moved in together soon after we met but I moved back out and into my own house, before xmas but still staying a couple of nights a week
we had plenty of holidays and weekends away we have two children from our past and we all get on great

then out of the blue she announced that she no longer has "feelings" for me but still loves and wants to remain friends
we probably argued 3 times in those years and was over something silly
her own family says that I treated her to well and was too good to her
she like myself is going through divorce and will conclude hopefully this year
I have asked her to try and talk it out and to give it more time to which she says no, she cant make her feelings come back
I have asked her to try counselling or some kind of doctors, yet again no
I have asked her is there someone else or did she have another bloke (even though I am around most of the time, but you wont know) but she told me no and wouldn't do that
so im asking for some advice, what should I do???
is she afraid of something ??
I cant understand why she wont even try !!!

please ask any questions and ill answer as best I can

thanks in advance
ntt

lifeandtimes

Unfortunately she's made her point clear and as she says she can't bring her feelings back.

Best leave her alone and try occupy yourself with something to keep your mind off her and to move on

Airyfairy12

Theres nothing wrong with treating someone well, thats just being a decent person and I wouldnt be using that as a reason or excuse as to why the relationship fell apart. Your partner hasn't done anything wrong, she hasnt cheated, strung you along or abused you in anyway, it sounds like she's being very mature, sensitive and respectful towards you..she's just being honest, she can't help how she feels and sometimes people do simply fall out of love and want to move on which she is every bit in her right to do. This must be really hard for you and it will take time for you to heal and move on but if she wants to end the relationship thats her choice and there's nothing you can do to change that. It doesn't sound like she's 'afraid' of anything, she wont 'try' because she knows she's not in love with you anymore and she doesn't want to continue having a romantic relationship with you. She's been very honest. All you can do is focus on your own future and moving on.

Ursus Horribilis

Looking at the timeline of this, your relationship happened at breakneck speed. How long was her marriage broken up before she met you? Maybe between that and moving in with you very quickly, she never had time to stop and digest what was happening. You also don't know how the divorce proceedings have affected her or if it has made her take stock of things.

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to change her mind. If she no longer loves you, then no amount of counselling or medication will fix that.

ManOfMystery

Counselling, holidays, romance and all that are great things to rekindle a spark - if it's there. 

They can't magic a spark into existence. 

If she no longer feels the same and is adamant that she's 100% sure of her feelings, then I'm afraid you have to accept that. You can't make someone love you in that way, or force them to have feelings they don't have. I'm sure she cares for you deeply but she's made it clear that she is not 'in love' with you at this point and to continue a relationship would simply be prolonging a lie. As has been said above, it may be that the relationship was what she thought she needed after a marriage breakup but perhaps the divorce has forced her to open her eyes and accept the truth of things. 

It sounds like she has been respectful about it, at least - she hasn't cheated, or acted badly/lashed out like some people do when they're struggling to understand how they feel. I know that probably doesn't soften the blow for you, but it is what it is. How you treated her has no bearing on a situation like this, the feelings either exist or they don't unfortunately. It sucks, but you simply have to move on - there is no alternative in a situation like this.

Xterminator

Hi OP

My advice would be to respect her decision & to give her space.

She has a divorce coming up, probably has a bit on her plate and your relationship wasnt (by the sounds of things) working for her.

as you have the children in common, i expect you will still have contact as friends, and that probably for the best for now. Its possible that when her divorce is finished, she will have a different mindset, but you cannot count on this, nor can you force it.

if you still carry a torch for this lady continue treat her with respect. Tell her how you feel, then give her the space she needs.

ntipptop

Thanks all
its hard to swallow
but I think your right
had a good time , now to move on
cant say anymore at the moment as its too hard
thanks again for all the advice