Wedding etiquette

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unregged for this. I need some advice on wedding etiquette.

My partner and I had a long discussion and after nearly 9 years, we would love to get married. We met when we were in our teens. Neither of us want a wedding. My dream day would be to get married in a registry office, take some nice photos, and then rock up at home fully dressed up and take our families by surprise, so that there is no fretting about gifts, outfits, annual leave, childminders etc, who is invited/who is not. Plus I can have some nice photos at home at the xmas tree with all the people who are important to me there!

We have set a date for when we begin our Christmas annual leave so that we can go home and be with our families for a few days after and take each family out for a bite to celebrate etc.

My partner would like his only sibling as a witness. I have a few siblings so I would like to get a friend as a witness so I can keep it a complete surprise for my family. I was bridesmaid for one of my siblings but to be honest, she has a new baby, and at xmas time, I would hate to bother her with taking the trip up to dublin etc. I would rather get her a small token after the fact, similar to the token she gave me for being bridesmaid. Our parents won't be too bothered that they weren't involved. I've dropped loads of hints about not expecting weddings from me and my siblings have done the big wedding thing already.

My worry is whether it is poor etiquette to do this. My cousin got engaged in feb and is due to marry August 2018. She is older than me and I wonder is there some issue here. I would hate to be accused of stealing her thunder or something, but I think it's far enough away. A friend will also marry in Oct 2018, and I'm worried about the same issue. Does anyone her think that this will be a problem and would you be put out?

GingerLily

The surprise party may go down really well, or it may upset a lot of people, it's definitely a gamble BUT I wouldn't worry about the wedding in August.
Taking away the surprise element of your idea, there 's nothing wrong with a couple getting engaged and married 8 months before another family/friends wedding!

Anyone who says otherwise is a bridezilla

freshpopcorn

Most people don't really care to be honest. Some people will get the hump no matter what you do.

s3rtvdbwfj81ch

It's your wedding, do what you (and your partner obvs) want to do

kylith

Just be aware that despite not seeming fussed your family may react badly when they find out that they have been excluded from your big day, even if you don't see it as being all that big. Siblings may be hurt that you got a friend as witness rather than them, especially since your partner's sibling is invited.

You can get married without having a 'wedding'; you could invite only immediate family to the registry office and then just go for a meal afterwards.

ncmc

I think it's a fab idea! If your family has an issue with it, then it's their problem, not yours. I definitely wouldn't worry about the cousins wedding in August '18 or friend in Oct '18. If you're at an age when your peers are getting married, then it's not uncommon to have multiple weddings in the space of a few months. I think that's another reason why your idea is so great, I think a lot of people would be relieved to not have the expense of another wedding! My SIL had 10 weddings over the course of a year recently, she said she could have had the holiday of a lifetime with what the weddings/hens cost.

Congrats and good luck with the planning.

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Xterminator

ncmc wrote: »

If your family has an issue with it, then it's their problem, not yours.

You are correct that its the OPs wedding and their decision. But if their decision hurts other peoples feeling and alienates them; or caused a family rift then it will be a very cold comfort.

OP id suggest you have a little family meeting, and tell them in advance what your thinking. listen to feedback.compromise/dont compromise as you see fit.

however the big surprise idea is IMO an bad idea because it could cause issues that a little forethought and notice will prevent/mitigate.

nikkibikki

Etiquette123 wrote:

My partner would like his only sibling as a witness. I have a few siblings so I would like to get a friend as a witness so I can keep it a complete surprise for my family. I was bridesmaid for one of my siblings but to be honest, she has a new baby, and at xmas time, I would hate to bother her with taking the trip up to dublin etc. I would rather get her a small token after the fact, similar to the token she gave me for being bridesmaid. Our parents won't be too bothered that they weren't involved. I've dropped loads of hints about not expecting weddings from me and my siblings have done the big wedding thing already.

Despite having a new baby, your sister would be hurt at being left out I'd imagine. Esp when your partner is including his sibling.

freshpopcorn wrote:

Most people don't really care to be honest. Some people will get the hump no matter what you do.

Yeah no matter what you do somebody will have a problem with something so just focus on the people closest to you.

Rubberchikken

you'll never please everyone. if you goty married in the biggest cathedral and had the reception in the biggest hotel there would still be those who will whinge so get married the way you and your partner wish to and just ignore the whiners. have a lovely time with those you wish to celebrate with. that's all that really matters.

LegacyUser

Hi All, thanks for the replies. I've considered some of the comments on excluding my sister from being a witness and I'm happy to give her the option of coming down to do it, but I know at this point, she will most likely be busy with work at that time of year. Nevertheless, she will get the option as to how involved she would like to be. In terms of excluding people, it's literally just for the ceremony bit, and we plan to return home immediately after to spend time with our families and celebrate over the Xmas period, including going for a quiet meal with both families at some stage. We don't have any bells or whistles planned for the ceremony, just the basics that we have to say! I've floated the idea out secretly in conversation with them over the last few months ("imagine if..." scenarios) and there have been no objections. My family have done the big wedding thing with siblings already and although they enjoyed it, there was so much fuss and pressure.

Thanks for the advice re the other weddings going on, I suppose I'm just a bit over cautious but I'm sure my stuff will be long forgotten by the time August rolls round.

I'm really excited about this now! I'm enjoying covert dress shopping!

Mollyb60

When I got married to my husband there was a similar discussion between us. We both wanted a small thing with only family members present. Fine for Mr Molly who is an only child so only his parents would be there. But I have 4 siblings and a grandmother who lives with us so my side would've been bigger. This still wasn't a problem till we got to that one difficult aunt who we KNEW would 100% fall out with us if she wasn't invited. She lived with my family for a number of years so she acts like our sibling. There had been previous strops thrown when she wasn't included on an invite to dinner or whatever.
After that things snowballed and we ended up with about 80 people at the wedding. We didn't feel bitter about it because we did enjoy the day anyway and it was lovely to have all our friends there with us but we would've been happy enough with just immediate family there.
What I'm trying to say is what a lot of people say, it's really up to you and your partner to decide how you want to do things. It was important to me to have my family there and it wasn't a huge sacrifice for us to just have a day and include everyone to save on arguments. But I know we would've been just as happy to have a small ceremony with only 10 people there with a small dinner after.
As for keeping it as a surprise, I'm not sure how our families would've taken that. I think Mr Molly's folks would've been more upset than mine seeing as how he's their only child. But that's obviously not a problem for you.

Sono

I wouldn't be worried about upsetting people, you're never going to please everyone no matter what you do so I say go for it if that is what both of you want. It's your day so it's your choice. Best of luck with it.

SozBbz

Hi OP,

Whilst I totally think that your instinct to keep it small is great if thats right for you, I do think that the surprise element might be an issue as it means that if feathers are ruffled, its all done and you've no opportunity to go back and do things differently.

You could keep the wedding to family only (maybe tell them its a party to maintain the mystery) and not tell friends/extended family until after the fact? A school friend of mine did this recently, had a small registry office ceremony with family only and a meal after - 14 people in total and it looked lovely and very her most importantly.

kylith

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But everyone is not excluded equally; OP's partner's sibling gets to go.

Look, we all filter these threads through our own ideas and experience, and I simply cannot get the idea of how hurt my family would be if I just rooked up at the house one day and told them I'd gotten married and not told anyone, especially if my OH had had family members here. Or my siblings finding out that I'd asked a friend to be witness but not one of them. I can just see the look in my dad's eyes as he tried to pretend he was ok with it.

It's easy to say 'it's no-one else's business', but hurt feelings can last a very long time and cause upset and resentment and ruin a relationship, and I wouldn't advise risking it if a 'parents and siblings only' wedding would keep the important people happy without any more expense (Tell them to split the cost of the restaurant as yer wedding present and the only expense would be the registry office).

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kylith

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Well, that's a different situation: you had to change it because of meddling, and I think that what you did was fair enough, and you probably don't have to worry about anyone trying to stick their nose into the rest of the marriage . Hopefully the OP's family would be less controlling.

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We married without a wedding. Arranged it all without telling anyone, and let siblings and parents know a few weeks before but also that we weren't going to have any of them in attendance. Our witnesses were a married couple that are our closest friends.

My side all just chuffed for us. Her side had real problems with it- I am denied the pleasure of her father's company since, alas- but we didn't use this as any reason to depart from what we wanted.

If it's what you want to do OP, then just do it. I would say that if you have a sibling that you would want as your witness, then go for it before assuming she won't want to do it. I think it's a lovely thing to be asked and also balances the siblings as witnesses!

Best a luck.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all the replies. I'm glad to hear that others don't think it is an issue that there are other family/friends weddings a few months after.

In relation to the surprise/inclusion/exclusion stuff, were not really excluding the rest of the family from anything other then the practical ceremony bit! We will be home as soon as possible after it to celebrate with our families over xmas. On reflection, I thought it best to ask my sibling to be a witness, and she was delighted. We agreed that I will dress back up again the following day for a few more photos if anyone has a pressing need to dress up too!

LirW

I just see it from a very rational point of view: If there would be a family meeting held beforehand as someone suggested here, this can kick up more than the OP probably wants. Then it starts the "but you need/you should/you can't" and they might find themselves in the situation of being overwhelmed with something that they absolutely don't want.
Unfortunately a lot of people just can't be cool about it but need to throw in their opinion.

OP just go with whatever the both of you want. If you're 100% sure about it, just do it, there is no real etiquette. Some have the 250-people bash and some elope. Go with what's right for you.

Congrats and good luck with the planning!

Calhoun

Weddings bring out the crazy in people, I can tell you this right now the registry office is boring as hell.  There is none of the real pomp or ceremony you would get with a celebrant led event. 
Realistically they arent really missing anything, just two people signing a form in a boring old council office.  I don't know what you have planned for when you go down to your families ect but i should think without even trying it will be much more memorable than the the registry office. Why not arrange a joint family dinner at somepoint?
The only thing i would say is that just be aware there maybe a little bit of hurt from your families side if they find out that your partners family was involved but they werent.  That would be the only land mine id be concerned about.

Witchie

I think it is a lovely idea, but then I got married on a beach in Barbados with just the 2 of us there and strangers for witnesses, so am probably not best placed to judge.

I have 2 regrets though. 1...he was the wrong man and 2...as my parents are getting older now, I regret them not getting a chance to be there to share the love that was part of the day. If I was doing it again, it would be immediate family only on a beach.

We had a surprise party thrown for us a few days after we came home, by my family, and it was nice but we had no control over who was there and hardly any of our friends were invited! So some friends organised another party in a pub a week later and that was great craic.

Basically, think seriously about whether you want to do it completely alone or as someone suggested, just invite immediate family to Dublin for the day for the ceremony, head back home and have a lovely relaxed time with your family. I know that it is just my opinion, but yeah I do regret my parents not being there. My brother got married in Spain and we all went and the joy and love on my parents face brought it very much home to me what they had missed when I got married. I think I have been super daughter ever since, doing everything for them, in part to make up for the feeling of depriving them of something important!

Minera

Tbh op you are going to offend someone especially if your fiance is asking his brother to be there. It's likely you will hurt your parents and sisters. Be prepared for some kind of comeback. Please don't use the excuse that you don't want to bother people with booking time off and spending money that is just offensive. Take responsibility for your decision to have a private marriage ceremony.
That said I know of 2 different couples who did exactly what you are planning and you know what people got over it and life carried on.

ShaShaBear

No matter what way you do things, you will offend someone. Small, big, registry, church, secret, public - someone close to you will get the hump!

We originally planned a small affair in a registry office very local to me - his parents and siblings, my mother and siblings and no-one else. Including us, this would have been 9 people.
Things snowballed and we ended up arranging a wedding for 150 in a hotel.
1 week before the wedding, our decision to uninvite members of my husband's family (due to unforgivable behaviour going on behind our backs for years), his entire family, immediate and extended, refused to attend. Not one of them told us. We simply found out the day before that a number of rooms were cancelled, and none of them were seated at the ceremony.

The more people you involve, the higher the chances of something going tits up (although I'm aware our issue was extreme). If your family and his truly love and care for you both, they will not find issue in you getting hitched without them!

jtkpenguin

We were living in UK at the time & after only being together for <1yr herself & I started 'hinting' to both families (my parents + sister & her aunts as both her parents had passed) that we were thinking of getting married, each family starting to plan the wedding over here in Ireland for us, including things that we didn't want. Many said it'd never last, give ourselves time to be sure, etc.

So, we told our families that we were going to have a longer 'engagement' than we'd planned & were putting off the wedding for another year.

Without their knowledge we went ahead & booked a UK registry office; stunning wedding outfits; big flash limousine; hairdresser; makeup artist; photographer; flowers; musicians; balloons; wedding cake & reception; hotel room etc, etc... in fact everything you can imagine & more :-)

Witnesses were my best friend & his wife, we only told them the day before & I'd already arranged for them to have the day off work :-)

BUT, how did we tell our families? we designed a 'Wedding Card' which showed a Vintage car saying our names & 'Just Married' on the outside, inside it basically said 'Think of us at 3pm when we say our wedding vows' & posted them out to arrive on our Wedding Day which, amazingly, each one did.

ALL except my Ma-in-Law was ecstatic! Everyone was delighted that it had happened without any fuss!

Even after 18yrs my Ma-in-law hasn't forgiven us but she is the only one who has ever moaned about us doing it 'our way', lol

Jasper

Spanish Eyes

I know from my sister's wedding that it is either all or nothing.

All - invite everyone including the next door neighbour and the second cousin ten times removed, or incur the wrath of the parents/aunts etc.

OR,

Nothing - just the two of you with strangers as witnesses (no one's nose is out of joint), and have a get together later.

Sis did the nothing thing, just the two of them and unknown witnesses. We had a great party a couple of weeks afterwards in the local pub. At night. No bother, was great.