Oneitis: anyone else got it?

Resist ZOG

Oneitis is when you become obsessed with that one 'perfect' girl. You can't stop thinking about her, she lights up your world when she talks to you and you become depressed when she ignores you.

I've got this right now and honestly, I can't understand why, as a 30 year old man this keeps happening to me. It's normal if you're an inexperienced 20 year old kid but I should know better.

Anyway I know the madness will pass but still, it's not a great place to be. Feel free to share you stories, you theories on why this happens, or ways to avoid it.

If you need me I'll be in the corner drinking whiskey and listening to my depressing country records.

Used to get it reeeeeeeeeeeal ****in bad. :pac: I suppose the best way to avoid it is to chance your arm nice and early.

As for why it happens, other than just plain naivety I think a large part of it is for want of a better term, boredom. I've found a few times after an extended bout I'd just be left with an emptiness of sorts, there'd be a fairly big gap once something I'd obsessed about was gone and it was that that I really missed, since there wasn't anything real to miss.

Wibbs

I would say just about every man has gone through Oneitis at least once, for different amounts of time and to different degrees. I never had it "at a distance" as it were, or it never lasted long thank god. I've seen that twist a guy's guts in a big way. A very bad plan to get into that habit IMH. And it is a habit, again IMH. A subconscious method of avoidance. IE put woman on "out of my league" pedestal, so that one internally agrees no hope of success, so yay! no chance of rejection, stir in large doses of fantasy of how ye might be, which gives its own feedback. Rinse and repeat. Baaaad plan.

I certainly had Oneitis for women I actually ended up in a relationship with and fell in love with(which is what I thought the term meant TBH ). Expressed in its fullest form after we split. That "maybe she was The One" ballsology. Clearly they weren't, or I'd not be pining for the fjords regarding them. They'd be still around.

Syphonax

Oneitis is a pure bi-tch. I had again at least several times today when out strolling in the sun!

Resist ZOG

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Used to get it reeeeeeeeeeeal ****in bad. :pac: I suppose the best way to avoid it is to chance your arm nice and early.

As for why it happens, other than just plain naivety I think a large part of it is for want of a better term, boredom. I've found a few times after an extended bout I'd just be left with an emptiness of sorts, there'd be a fairly big gap once something I'd obsessed about was gone and it was that that I really missed, since there wasn't anything real to miss.

I'd say you're right about chancing your arm early. Thats what I'm doing from now on. I know from experience the only way to get over this is to cut contact with her. Sad but the only way since she has a 'friend' she regularly sees.

Scary how much power we can let women have over us.

ancapailldorcha

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Scary how much power we can let women have over us.

It's not women who have power over you, it's your own insecurities. Women are flesh and blood, no less flawed and imperfect as the rest of us. I've had my fair few "doses" with this but as I've gotten older it seems to be happening less and less while being exerting a much diminished influence on me.

lazybones32

I don't usually suffer from infatuation but when I do, I go way overboard! It almost always happened with a woman that it was impossible for anything to develop with: either due to physical separation or her having seniority over me.
A college lecturer went through a phase of not wearing a bra to work. A 2 hour boner is painful and very frustrating. Dirty bit*h.

Resist ZOG

lazybones32 wrote: »

I don't usually suffer from infatuation but when I do, I go way overboard! It almost always happened with a woman that it was impossible for anything to develop with: either due to physical separation or her having seniority over me.
A college lecturer went through a phase of not wearing a bra to work. A 2 hour boner is painful and very frustrating. Dirty bit*h.

That's it, it's like a mania that takes grip on you. Only remedy is to tell yourself constantly that she's not special. Cold I know, but that seems the only way to get over it.

Quite frightening really. I wonder do women suffer from it to the same extent as men?

Bambi985

Resist ZOG wrote: »

I wonder do women suffer from it to the same extent as men?

*Holds hand up* I'd say I've spent a good fraction of my adult life having perpetual crushes on people that I would never even talk to much less flirt with or signal any interest in. From college right through to work life and up to a few years ago when I met my boyfriend.

Wibbs makes a lot of sense with his theory on it being a sort of avoidance thing or preventing any "rejection" from taking place, I'd say in my case you could throw a few confidence issues into the mix too. I was a right little daydreamer and when you overthink someone you fancy, every little thing makes them seem amazing and out of your reach due to their amazing-ness...thus taking the owness off of you in terms of taking a bit of personal responsibility, asserting yourself and actually doing something about it. "Sure he'd never go for someone like me" whilst simultaneously snubbing the guy just in case he got notions, like :pac:

Maybe it's a thing we do a bit more of as Irish people, as the idea of expressing romantic interest in someone (unless you're half-cut) still seems to be pretty socially unacceptable in Ireland. I've a few male friends who have confessed years after the fact of having a thing for me back in the day too, and I never in a million years would have guessed it - literally none of the signs were there and that's as someone that was skilled in the art of pretending I didn't give a sh1t about some guy I was infatuated with!

Might just be a rite of passage too, a way to kill time when you're single and bored and need someone to fixate on to satisfy those instinctive NEED TO FIND A PARTNER TO REPRODUCE WITH feelz that most of us have

_Brian

Definitely know what your talking about.

Luckily we started going out 28 years ago, were married 22 years ago.

Couldn't ever imagine being with anyone else, she brightens my very existence.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

GLaDOS

XKCD did a humourous run through of the mathematics behind "The One"

https://what-if.xkcd.com/9/

It's summed up quite nicely in this diagram :pac:

Valmont

It's an ironic thing really, as soon as you accept you could move on if you had to, you release a lot of the pressure and can be a better partner for the alleged one you're so worried about losing. Also, after my own affliction with oneitis in my late teens I started pretending I wasn't insecure about romantic attachments and after a while I just wasn't anymore.

H3llR4iser

It happens to the best and yes, as Bambi explained, it does absolutely happen to women as well - I've got at least a couple of (female) friends I witnessed going through it.

I'd mostly agree with ancapailldorcha - with an addition: sometimes it's not just insecurity, it's also hope; Leave it as it is, do not do anything that might result in a direct rejection and/or loss of contact, because "you never know". It's really fooling oneself, but happens.

I've been through it at least a couple of times in the past; It's not happening anymore - sometimes I find my curiosity piqued when I meet (usually at work) a woman which is distinctive or unique in some way; Normally it's connected to some character traits (hobbies, general attitude) or style (breaking the jeans-flats-tshirt mould) rather than looks, but now it never gets past the "oh nice" if I can't see an actual "opening".

Case in point, we've got this new girl in the office - fairly pretty, quite witty and funny in a nerdy/dorky way, very stylish dresser.
A few years ago she'd most likely have triggered "oneitis" for me - now, I can see straight through it - she's about 15 years younger than me, mommy and daddy are loaded beyond sense, boyfriend from an equally rich family...not worth the hassle, really. Behind the smartly dressed, cute sales junior, you could almost certainly find more problems than in a math teacher's notebook.

Basically as you grow older, you don't put people on pedestals anymore - maybe I've become an edge case of "cosmic cynicism" - a couple of colleagues were joking, just the other day, that for me to say something (or someone) is "not bad" is as if another person was saying "fantastic!"

Just realised it's pretty much exactly 10 years since my worst bout of it more or less finished. :P Though it wasn't one of those cases where she didn't know. She admitted she knew though never brought up the coupla times we were drunk and she was all over me. Jaysus I let myself be played big time. :pac: Huh, 10 years. I like to think I've changed a little bit in that time. :P

Resist ZOG

_Brian wrote: »

Definitely know what your talking about.

Luckily we started going out 28 years ago, were married 22 years ago.

Couldn't ever imagine being with anyone else, she brightens my very existence.

That's a nice story and I wish I could relate. I've been with loads of women but the few who I think could have been 'the one' all slipped through my fingers.

Anyway, she's gone back to her home country and I'll never see her again. Crucially I avoided the mistake of adding her on Facebook so she's out of my life. Feeling way better now and a couple of other girls appearing on my radar.

Two things I'm taking away from this:

1. Don't give them any power over you. No matter how wonderful a woman seems, she's just one of a million great women out there.

2. You get ONE chance with a woman. Life is not a romance novel. I had a definite shot with this woman and I chickened out. Next time kiss her, ask her out, do anything! It won't just come to you, you've got to make it happen.

Resist ZOG

Resist ZOG wrote: »

2. You get ONE chance with a woman. Life is not a romance novel. I had a definite shot with this woman and I chickened out. Next time kiss her, ask her out, do anything! It won't just come to you, you've got to make it happen.

I think I'd only partially agree with that point. Though at the same time any time I've seen someone wear the other party into submission it's usually the chaser who submits quite quickly then. :pac:

titan18

Yup, girl I work with. She's perfect

Burial.

Never had it properly...some friends have had it bad and some still do. I've had some mad crushes on women and have fancied the f*ck out of them but never had the oneitis feeling I don't think. I'm still young and I'm still like a dog with two dicks which helps I guess...

Nowadays for me it's more of a case of seeing a girl and thinking jeez she looks proper healthy and wanting to know what she's about. I don't recall the last time I actually had a proper crush on a girl. I do believe that a lot of oneitis comes down to you not having other options on the table.

Mister Vain

I had a bad dose of oneitis recently. The most stunning redhead I have ever seen works behind the deli counter in the petrol station I go to. I used to think about her constantly. We often made idle chit chat while she buttered my sausage. She seemed really sound too. I contemplated asking her out but thought it would be a bit awkward in a busy petrol station and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in work.

So I added her on facebook. I wouldn't normally ask a girl out on facebook but decided to take a chance. I told her I liked her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She immediately unfriended me.

Klonker

I got it once. I'd barely spoken to her ever but I used to see her around and had it in my head that she was the perfect woman for me, I don't know what I was basing this on because I'd never spoken to her but I guess that was the effects of my oneitis.

I'm a very shy person, particularly talking to women, so it was very difficult for me to try talk to her but I knew I'd regret if I didn't for the rest of my life so I made forced myself talk to her. Turns out she was the perfect girl for me and the timing was perfect as she had just split with an ex and now she is my wife

I don't know if my personal experience adds to the discussion but my advice would be go for it, at least that way you'll know or not if there's a chance of something there, if you don't I'll think you'll end of regretting it and having a case of the what might have been's.

TerrorFirmer

Mister Vain wrote: »

I had a bad dose of oneitis recently. The most stunning redhead I have ever seen works behind the deli counter in the petrol station I go to. I used to think about her constantly. We often made idle chit chat while she buttered my sausage. She seemed really sound too. I contemplated asking her out but thought it would be a bit awkward in a busy petrol station and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in work.

So I added her on facebook. I wouldn't normally ask a girl out on facebook but decided to take a chance. I told her I liked her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She immediately unfriended me.

No harm there really....sure, it's a bit awkward now if you want/need to go back to that filling station but at least you went for it, and you'll not have to wonder about it going forward - I find the torment simply wondering about 'what if' in relation to the whole 'oneitis' thing is the biggest killer.

Not hugely susceptible to it but it has happened me twice so far in life. In both cases I ended up dating the girls - one, about 5 years later, the second, around 3 years after we first met (in both cases romance was not on the cards at all for various circumstances).

Neither worked out obviously in the longer term but mostly because I was an arrogant self-centred dickhead, and it actually bothers me now how easily either relationship could have been perfect if not for me and me alone.

But at the same time I'm glad they happened, I know it's a horrible cliche but the whole 'loved and lost' thing is something I believe in - because I at least know I had a shot and ruined it, rather than being eternally tortured by that 'what if'.

Resist ZOG

Mister Vain wrote: »

I had a bad dose of oneitis recently. The most stunning redhead I have ever seen works behind the deli counter in the petrol station I go to. I used to think about her constantly. We often made idle chit chat while she buttered my sausage. She seemed really sound too. I contemplated asking her out but thought it would be a bit awkward in a busy petrol station and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in work.

So I added her on facebook. I wouldn't normally ask a girl out on facebook but decided to take a chance. I told her I liked her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She immediately unfriended me.

Fair play for asking her out, more than most would do. Would have been better for you to do it in person though, more difficult for her to reject you that way

Passenger

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Fair play for asking her out, more than most would do. Would have been better for you to do it in person though, more difficult for her to reject you that way

But sure if she's not interested then she's not interested. No point dragging it out for the lad and getting his hopes up. Fair play though. As another poster said, the whole "loved and lost" cliche is apt.

Resist ZOG

Passenger wrote: »

But sure if she's not interested then she's not interested. No point dragging it out for the lad and getting his hopes up. Fair play though. As another poster said, the whole "loved and lost" cliche is apt.

They way I see it, asking her out online or via text makes it too easy for her to reject you. If you ask her out her in person it's harder for her to come up with an excuse or she might just feel too awkward to say no.

Of course later she might flake, but I reckon you've a better chance this way.

Mister Vain

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

No harm there really....sure, it's a bit awkward now if you want/need to go back to that filling station but at least you went for it, and you'll not have to wonder about it going forward - I find the torment simply wondering about 'what if' in relation to the whole 'oneitis' thing is the biggest killer.

Ohh absolutely. I've had my fair share of 'what if's' and its a much worse feeling. At least now I know. I still go to the same petrol station but don't use the deli. I think it would have been really awkward for both of us If I had of asked her out there.

Wibbs

Resist ZOG wrote: »

They way I see it, asking her out online or via text makes it too easy for her to reject you. If you ask her out her in person it's harder for her to come up with an excuse or she might just feel too awkward to say no.

Of course later she might flake, but I reckon you've a better chance this way.

God no way would I see this as a prudent approach. If she's looking for excuses to say no you're already on the back foot. You might get a sympathy date out of it, but beyond that...

For me anyway with the "oneitis" being described here - going gaga over a woman you don't know yet* - is up there with "love at first sight". Conformation bias on those few occasions when it works, but mostly magical thinking and worse potentially damaging thinking. It's all about projection. Falling for a fantasy based on what she looks like. Down the years the men I've known more prone to this are men who feel they've few enough options in the whole relationships thing/have less experience. They build up a fantasy in their heads and then when a woman comes along that ticks some of the boxes they let off the brakes on their inner fantasy and out it tumbles. The woman is usually only the trigger. It's all about the man.





*like I said I've had "oneitis", but it was with women I'd had a romantic/sexual relationship with and knew them.

titan18

titan18 wrote: »

Yup, girl I work with. She's perfect

She's not, and if you ever got into a relationship with her it's doomed from the start if that's an expectation, because she can't live up to it.

She's a flawed human like the rest of us. She's got her issues, her bad days, her less likable aspects, and those are all part of what makes her unique. If you expect too much of anyone you'll only invite disappointment into your life.

Nobody is perfect for anyone, and I think unrealistic expectations are a killer for a blossoming relationship from the get-go.

I think the tendency to see someone as perfect is what makes some relationships to fall at the first hurdle, if anyone expects a perfect partner or relationship, they need to examine their expectations or spend their lives alone.

Resist ZOG

Candie wrote: »

She's not, and if you ever got into a relationship with her it's doomed from the start if that's an expectation, because she can't live up to it.

She's a flawed human like the rest of us. She's got her issues, her bad days, her less likable aspects, and those are all part of what makes her unique. If you expect too much of anyone you'll only invite disappointment into your life.

Nobody is perfect for anyone, and I think unrealistic expectations are a killer for a blossoming relationship from the get-go.

I think the tendency to see someone as perfect is what makes some relationships to fall at the first hurdle, if anyone expects a perfect partner or relationship, they need to examine their expectations or spend their lives alone.

Are you a robot? No one thinks like that when they fall in love with a woman. Love is not logical

JackieChang

Best thing to do is close your eyes, think about this one girl. Can you see her clearly in your mind? Now imagine her sitting on the toilet and squeezing out a massive turd. Could be a bit watery and gaseous from the curry she has the night before.

Now open your eyes. She is no longer the one. She's just a regular girl.

Carry on.

Mister Vain

JackieChang wrote: »

Best thing to do is close your eyes, think about this one girl. Can you see her clearly in your mind? Now imagine her sitting on the toilet and squeezing out a massive turd. Could be a bit watery and gaseous from the curry she has the night before.

Now open your eyes. She is no longer the one. She's just a regular girl.

Carry on.

Well that's my lunch break ruined anyway.

Wibbs

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Are you a robot? No one thinks like that when they fall in love with a woman. Love is not logical

The feeling of love isn't particularly logical no, if anything it's a damned powerful drug, but the subject is logical enough. And is often if not usually a choice, subconscious or no. Anybody falling "in love" at first sight or at a distance, or before anything happens(worse if they chose to avoid it happening) is on a hiding to nothing. It's entirely one way and a fantasy. Actual love is mutual, or should be.

H3llR4iser

Wibbs wrote: »

The feeling of love isn't particularly logical no, if anything it's a damned powerful drug, but the subject is logical enough. And is often if not usually a choice, subconscious or no. Anybody falling "in love" at first sight or at a distance, or before anything happens(worse if they chose to avoid it happening) is on a hiding to nothing. It's entirely one way and a fantasy. Actual love is mutual, or should be.

Couldn't agree more with you, if nothing else due to personal experience in the above situation.

That said, I think there's a distinction to make - while oneitis is illogical in its own existence, the reasons behind it are, almost always in my experience, entirely logical.

The few times I've experienced it myself, it wasn't borne out of some weird hyper-idealization of the subject of the fixation; It was due to specific characteristics, more often combinations thereof, that were otherwise difficult to find in other people; Basically stuff that brought the person within the "Venn Diagram" of what an ideal partner would be in my mind.

Then maybe, it's just me being an INTJ.

Wibbs

H3llR4iser wrote: »

That said, I think there's a distinction to make - while oneitis is illogical in its own existence, the reasons behind it are, almost always in my experience, entirely logical.

Oh sure. I would agree there. Like you say if you meet someone who ticks enough of your personal Big Mad Ride Boxes™ you will naturally have good reasons to pursue. Or should pursue. I think with oneitis of the type being mostly discussed here, the man(generally more men do it IME) doesn't pursue. Then gets caught up with the fantasy.

The other type is where the guy does pursue and gets with the object of his desire and with the love drug running hard in his veins thinks she's The Only One For Me. Ever. ™ Sub groups of that would be men who have little experience so she becomes The Only One That Will Ever Want Me. She's outa my league™

Funny enough I have found down the years that the two types of men most vulnerable to this type of Oneitis are those at opposites ends of the scale. IE the Near virgin or the Player. Maybe because I have also found both the Near Virgin and Player men tend to have the most naive/romantic notions about women/love. Even though players can come across as hard cynics about love/women it nearly always comes from a place of original optimism and they're usually keeping an eye out for the One who is not like others. In many ways that's why they're players in the first place. They haven't found it.

Then maybe, it's just me being an INTJ.

ENTP here, feck knows what that means for me mind you.

H3llR4iser

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh sure. I would agree there. Like you say if you meet someone who ticks enough of your personal Big Mad Ride Boxes™ you will naturally have good reasons to pursue. Or should pursue. I think with oneitis of the type being mostly discussed here, the man(generally more men do it IME) doesn't pursue. Then gets caught up with the fantasy.

The other type is where the guy does pursue and gets with the object of his desire and with the love drug running hard in his veins thinks she's The Only One For Me. Ever. ™ Sub groups of that would be men who have little experience so she becomes The Only One That Will Ever Want Me. She's outa my league™

Funny enough I have found down the years that the two types of men most vulnerable to this type of Oneitis are those at opposites ends of the scale. IE the Near virgin or the Player. Maybe because I have also found both the Near Virgin and Player men tend to have the most naive/romantic notions about women/love. Even though players can come across as hard cynics about love/women it nearly always comes from a place of original optimism and they're usually keeping an eye out for the One who is not like others. In many ways that's why they're players in the first place. They haven't found it.


ENTP here, feck knows what that means for me mind you.

I've actually known quite a few "players" who, in reality, were really just moving from one "oneitis" to another one; The big difference with the other guys is that, somehow, they always or almost always managed to be successful in their pursues...in a nutshell, they wouldn't really be "players" in the strict sense, but just have a different new "wannabe LTR" every few months.

I would add a third scenario - the one where the guy pursues, gets rejected, and then enters a vicious circle where every new woman he meets gets "measured up" to the subject of his fixation, almost invariably falling short or the target. That's the shape it took for me any time it happened - again, maybe it's more common for people whose brain is enslaved by logical, consequential thought processes.

Case in point: back when I was younger and stupider (about 11-12 years ago, give or take), I met someone at work I developed "oneitis" for. She was taken, and anyway said she didn't like me. Fast forward a few months, I started casually dating a different girl - classical "fairytale" beauty (the whole long-blonde-hair-blue-eyes-soft-features thing), lively, smart; She was a theater actress, pianist and dancer, no less. Great, right? Yes. But for the whole time, I kept thinking that she wasn't as tall as "ms. the one". In hindsight, I should have kicked myself in the nuts .