Is she having an affair?

LegacyUser

Hey All

Very quick question.
Last couple of times my Girlfriend has been out, she hasn't come home til around 5/6am

I've been suspicious that something has been going on but have no proof.

I wake up this morning and she's not here, at about 6:30am I get a text saying she's on her way home and that she stayed over at her mates.

I just don't get why she'd stay over instead of coming home?
Also she's not really a drinker, the clubs close at 2am right? Where could she be?

Maybe it's all innocent, I'm not sure.

Opinions?

ManOfMystery

Need some more context. How long have you been together? Has she done this in the past at all, or has it only started recently? None of us can answer for sure.

It's not implausible to think that (big drinker or not) her and some mates have gone back for a house party as many of us have, and just lost track of time/dozed off/couldn't be bothered trying to get a taxi. I find it happens more this time of year when the evenings are so bright and you're leaving a bar at 11 or 12 and it doesn't feel that late because it's only been dark for a short time. 

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the extreme conclusion that she's having an affair unless there are other tell-tale signs: has her behaviour changed, has your love life changed, is she more guarded with her phone, is she going out more often in the evenings or making excuses to go out more, etc.

Airyfairy12

Clubs close at 3, it can take a good hour to get home after clubs close with ending up in takeaways, chatting with friends, trying to get a taxi... she could just be going back to house parties but if you think that more is going on you should say something. Trust your gut.

kylith

I've frequently been out with friends who don't drink and we've wound up only going to sleep at 6am because we've been chatting, playing games, and watching movies.

Talk to her. Tell her your worries without being confrontational.

judeboy101

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MissShihTzu

Why don't you just talk to her? You're not going to get an answer posting here. The only person who knows what's going on is your GF.

So - talk to her. No argument, accusations or anything. Be calm and have a chat. Ask her what's up.

LegacyUser

Unsure2017 wrote: »

Hey All

Very quick question.
Last couple of times my Girlfriend has been out, she hasn't come home til around 5/6am

I've been suspicious that something has been going on but have no proof.

I wake up this morning and she's not here, at about 6:30am I get a text saying she's on her way home and that she stayed over at her mates.

I just don't get why she'd stay over instead of coming home?
Also she's not really a drinker, the clubs close at 2am right? Where could she be?

Maybe it's all innocent, I'm not sure.

Opinions?

Sounds very iffy to me , yes of course it could be innocent but when you read that 40% of women cheat and near 60% of men do who knows .

jlm29

Seriously? Track her movements? Or, he could talk to her. They're not married, he doesn't mention kids, it should be relatively easy to dissolve the relationship if there is an issue. If you're going down the line of tracking someone's movements, it's time to get out.

OP, I presume you're together a few years if you're living together? Is this staying out all night a totally new behaviour? If it is, it would probably raise a red flag for me. But the best thing to do is to have the conversation

gline

How's everything else in the relationship? Is this behaviour recent? It definitely sounds like you need to talk to her and voice your concerns.

Tokyo

Mod:

judeboy101 - no we won't be recommending dubious to illegal activities on this forum. Please don't post in this thread again.

King of Kings

without more context I can't tell

But i;ve experienced similar

split with my ex wife for the same reason
she always staying with some other girl from work ...never a friend I'd know.
no real evidence but trust was lost and I ended it

that was 13 years ago and looking back at it in hindsight I'm more convinced something was going on than at the time. The signs were there I just didn't process them immediately

LegacyUser

Ok to add more context

We're both in our 40's and we have 2 kids.

She doesn't go out that often, but when she does, she often doesn't get home til about 5am/6am depending on the people she's out with.
On those occasions when I ask her the next day what time she got in at, she once or twice said 2/3am (maybe she was drunk and didn't, realise the time).

She does very occasionally disappear in the evening, but she tells me where she's going.

Our sex life isn't great at he moment, once every 2 weeks, but I put that down to having 2 small kids in the house.

I'm quite a disengaged person, I don't notice little changes in a persons behavior. So it is difficult for me to comment on this.

I will state this though, if the roles were reversed and I came home at that time, she would got ape s**t crazy, She'd probably accuse me of all sorts and possibly kick me out.
In her mind, the only reason I'd stay out til that time would be if I was with another person. IE that's what she'd be doing if she was out til that time.
Note: I've never been unfaithful.

Maybe I'm overthinking or worrying about this to much.
It's probably nothing, but for some reason I can't explain it just doesn't add up.
Maybe it's not an affair just a one nighter (feel sick writing that)

leggo

Step one is saying it bothers you anyway. See if she respects that. You can't wreck your head regarding this stuff, you need actual evidence before jumping to that, there are a million things it could be aside from that. You either trust her or you don't, and if you don't trust her then you've got bigger problems. It actually doesn't matter that much in these situations if someone is doing something or not, it's awful I know obviously, but what I mean are the answers are to be found within the relationship itself. Other people etc are just symptoms and unwelcome details resulting from bigger issues.

eviltwin

If it bothers you ask but ask, don't accuse. I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign, I would sometimes stay over in a friend's house after a night out because we are chatting or because it's easier than waiting for a taxi.

WarpAsylum

Unsure2017 wrote:

I will state this though, if the roles were reversed and I came home at that time, she would got ape s**t crazy, She'd probably accuse me of all sorts and possibly kick me out. In her mind, the only reason I'd stay out til that time would be if I was with another person. IE that's what she'd be doing if she was out til that time. Note: I've never been unfaithful.

This speaks volumes, from my own experience.

She'd stay out (and she was cheating I later found out) and if I did the same (whilst not cheating) she'd absolutely lose the plot, call me every name under the sun, and accuse me of all sorts.

Take from that what you will.

Colser

From experience I think if you mention it she will deny it and be more discreet ,if she genuinely isn't doing anything then she'll probably pissed off that you're suspicious.

The fact that you usually are pretty unobservant would make me think that you might be right..gut instinct is everything in this situation imo.

My advice would be to say nothing at the moment and maybe gauge the situation a bit more...way easier said than done unfortunately.Hopefully you're wrong but I'd be thinking the way you are...it was a series of small things that tipped me off in my situation ,it's a horrible feeling .

December2012

Do you think your disengagement has made you less connected (which may in turn,lead to relationships breakdown?)

It maybe part of the problem of you having a bad sex life

An affair is a sign of a disconnect

Augme

Given your updated post it really doesn't look good at all. The question is do you want sit down and talk or just investigate it privately. Given her behaviour I doubt sitting down and talking will help tbh, if she is having an affair she ain't going to admit that.

LegacyUser

Can you check her phone discreetly . Sure she could delete anything but if you're that laid back she might drop her guard every so often .

team_actimel

Unsure2017 wrote: »

Ok to add more context

We're both in our 40's and we have 2 kids.

Our sex life isn't great at he moment, once every 2 weeks, but I put that down to having 2 small kids in the house.

I think once every 2 weeks is completely normal, I'd say more than the average couple considering you have 2 small children.

elefant

FlushFletcher wrote: »

Can you check her phone discreetly . Sure she could delete anything but if you're that laid back she might drop her guard every so often .

Yeah, don't do this. Obviously.

nikkibikki

team_actimel wrote:

I think once every 2 weeks is completely normal, I'd say more than the average couple considering you have 2 small children.

I wouldn't agree with this at all. Is twice a month more than average? At least that's one thing I'm above average at if it is.

If either partner isn't happy with the frequency of sex, then they need to discuss it.

GingerLily

nikkibikki wrote: »

I wouldn't agree with this at all. Is twice a month more than average? At least that's one thing I'm above average at if it is.

Normal and average are not the same thing!

starWave

Its strange that she's coming home at 6am. I'd imagine if she was staying with a friend, she'd at least get a night's sleep, instead of getting up at 5am to go home. Would ring alarm bells for me.

nikkibikki

GingerLily wrote:

Normal and average are not the same thing!

Agreed. That's why I suggested that they need to discuss it if he's not happy with the frequency.

nikkibikki wrote:

If either partner isn't happy with the frequency of sex, then they need to discuss it.

LegacyUser

Sounds very iffy , strange time alright to come back in . There would surely be other signs if she's having an affair . Be interesting to see what happens .

Squall Leonhart

Erasmus101 wrote:

Sounds very iffy , strange time alright to come back in . There would surely be other signs if she's having an affair . Be interesting to see what happens .

It's not a soap opera.. its a man's marriage.