Struggling

ShoeSize10

I was seeing a guy for a little while but it didn't work out. While we were with each other I formed good friendships with his friends and actually began to have a Gay social life in Dublin.
Since we split up I haven't been able to form any kind of relationship (really need friends). I've tried the usual - Meetup.com - no one in mid 20's around my age or similar interests, dating apps - endless chats going nowhere, not many looking for friendship, usually NSA or boyfriends.
I'm really struggling here as I just don't seem to enjoy myself with the few straight friends I have here as I do with gay friends. Now that that part is gone from my life, I could really do with some advice on actually making friends in the Gay community and not just for hookups which are not my thing. It would be nice to visit someone in the evening times after work rather than sitting in my bedroom 7 nights a week. Thanks a mill x

baby and crumble

Not really sure what to suggest to you if you've found meetup.com not useful. I've found it great, there's lots of LGBTQ groups based in Dublin so I'm surprised you're struggling to find people in their mid-20's.

There are lots of other groups, depending on your existing hobbies. Wet and Wild, OutSports etc.

Mr.Frame

ShoeSize10 wrote: »

I was seeing a guy for a little while but it didn't work out. While we were with each other I formed good friendships with his friends and actually began to have a Gay social life in Dublin.
Since we split up I haven't been able to form any kind of relationship (really need friends). I've tried the usual - Meetup.com - no one in mid 20's around my age or similar interests, dating apps - endless chats going nowhere, not many looking for friendship, usually NSA or boyfriends.
I'm really struggling here as I just don't seem to enjoy myself with the few straight friends I have here as I do with gay friends. Now that that part is gone from my life, I could really do with some advice on actually making friends in the Gay community and not just for hookups which are not my thing. It would be nice to visit someone in the evening times after work rather than sitting in my bedroom 7 nights a week. Thanks a mill x

I would suggest you contact Outhouse and see when their next PDC course begins and get yourself on it.
It is brilliant, you will meet new friends and learn new stuff as well.I couldnt recommend the course enough

When we were trying to find our feet with our slightly out of the ordinary relationship structure - we immersed ourselves in the gay social scene to meet some people in that culture and make friends and draw on their advice and experience.

Some of the best people we met - some of them still our friends - were from a Dublin based Lesbian and Gay hiking club. Maybe look it up (if memory serves there was 2 of them at the time - might be more or less now).

However you neglected to mention what your interests are - so it is harder to specify options on how to meet people who share them.

imme

There's no magic answer OP

People meet or make gay , specifically gay friends, in different ways

Through friends, through work, through social or sports activities

Best of luck

AllForIt

Can I just say that the OP does have a legitimate problem that is not that easy to overcome.

I lived in London for years where making gay friends was...easy. Especially because of the line of work I was in. No, I'm not a hairdresser

But in Dublin it is not that easy to get into a social circle of gay friends. Simply because the scene in Dublin is actually quite small.

I do feel for the OP who because he split from his boyfriend he was cut out of the circle. That's not really a good thing to have to deal with. I would also say that I don't think that the gay social scene in Dublin is particularly 'mature'.

It's interesting that some ppl want to live on a gay social scene and other couldn't care less and are just happy to pick up on Grindr and live amoungst their hetro society fully. Nothing wrong with that and each to their own.

OP, if your young and adventurous, then the UK has a huge gay scene in Manchester and London and in many other places so if socializing in gay society is important to you then you might consider moving there.

I don't think there is an immediate solution to you problem feeling alone in Dublin. Again Dublin is not just small for a gay, it's small for a hetro as well. So as I say, maybe consider moving to a much bigger city.

JackTaylorFan

Loneliness is loneliness is loneliness... sexuality is irrelevant.

Friendship is friendship is friendship... I hope you get the point.

jobbridge4life

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Loneliness is loneliness is loneliness... sexuality is irrelevant.

Friendship is friendship is friendship... I hope you get the point.

Are you gay Jack?

Do you know what it is like to be gay Jack have not one gay friend?

The Gay Switchboard is doing a "walking tour" in Dublin this Sunday. Starting with a short film being shown in the George at 14:30.

Might be the kind of thing to go along to with no expectation - and just see what comes from it.

JackTaylorFan

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Are you gay Jack?

Do you know what it is like to be gay Jack have not one gay friend?

I'm trans actually, thanks for reminding me

and I really don't think you want to compare levels of isolation with me - 'cause you'll lose =D

Also, my point stands: if it's "friendship" you desire, what does sexuality or gender have to do with it?

jobbridge4life

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I'm trans actually, thanks for reminding me

and I really don't think you want to compare levels of isolation with me - 'cause you'll lose =D

Also, my point stands: if it's "friendship" you desire, what does sexuality or gender have to do with it?

No is comparing levels of isolation. I was trying to see where you were coming from in being so dismissive of gay persons desire to find a connection with members of his own community.

I find that attitude very perplexing.

AllForIt

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Loneliness is loneliness is loneliness... sexuality is irrelevant.

Friendship is friendship is friendship... I hope you get the point.

Sexuality can be the sole reason for loneliness.

Making friends, good friends, can be as a result of one not having sufficient outlets to make those friends, as for example in one were living in a city with only 3 or so gay bars, where if one frequents them for any length of time you see the same ppl there every weekend.

A heterosexual in a small town in Ireland will have a wealth of straight bars to frequent and pick one or two bars where they feel comfortable socializing with ppl they like or feel they fit in with. The clientele may not become one's best friend but at least it provides a place where for a few hours of so that can get some social interaction.

I don't think gay bars work like that. In gay bars especially Dublin gay bars, either one is in a clique of friends and if your not your stood there on your own the whole night.

TazCon

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The Gay Switchboard is doing a "walking tour" in Dublin this Sunday. Starting with a short film being shown in the George at 14:30.

Might be the kind of thing to go along to with no expectation - and just see what comes from it.

This sounds interesting! Thanks!

baby and crumble

I would have had the same opinion as Jack Taylor Fan a few years ago- I had pretty much all straight friends and was like "well friends are friends" but then I started to socialise with more LGBTQ folks and realised how nice it was to have lesbian friends I could talk to about issues that my straight friends just didn't get. A lot of it was cultural stuff- like The L Word, Melissa Etheridge etc.

Now I'd actually love to have more butch female friends, as I grow into myself that way. Doesn't mean I don't love my straight friends but it's nice to have common ground with others.

Everyone is different though

AllForIt

baby and crumble wrote: »

I would have had the same opinion as Jack Taylor Fan a few years ago- I had pretty much all straight friends and was like "well friends are friends" but then I started to socialise with more LGBTQ folks and realised how nice it was to have lesbian friends I could talk to about issues that my straight friends just didn't get. A lot of it was cultural stuff- like The L Word, Melissa Etheridge etc.

Now I'd actually love to have more butch female friends, as I grow into myself that way. Doesn't mean I don't love my straight friends but it's nice to have common ground with others.

Everyone is different though

I've gone full circle on this. I used to live on a big gay scene for over a decade and a half. Now I'm back living in a big town and I just love going out on the straight scene even by myself but that is largely because ppl are very accepting of who I am now compared to 20 years ago.

A funny incident last month in a straight club, I spend 10 mins talking to a straight woman, her husband looked over at us and then finally came over to her giving out. She informed her husband I was gay and then we all laughed out loud for the longest time. Plus it's nice to go out for a drink and not feel that the ppl around you are thinking your on the pull or desperate to meet someone.

It's great to have queer friends but I don't think it's necessarily great if the whole reason one has those friends is just to have someone to go out on the gay scene with all the time. I've had a couple of gay friends in my lifetime that used me that way.

Anyway my point is diversity is great. Whether it be straight or gay friends or straight or gay social venues to frequent.

PS I think all this warm weather is getting me, I'm feeling all philosophical.
PSS I realized it's not the warm weather, it's the vino I'm drinking as a result of the warm weather.

ShoeSize10

Thanks for the advice. It's absolutely fascinating to hear more experienced people's stories at times like this. I guess I'm just bummed out this week with it being Pride and all, but there are plenty more weeks to meet people

AllForIt

ShoeSize10 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. It's absolutely fascinating to hear more experienced people's stories at times like this. I guess I'm just bummed out this week with it being Pride and all, but there are plenty more weeks to meet people

You'll be grand. We all have to deal with these kinds of issues at one time or another. So do hetro ppl as well re having friends at all. I'm sitting at home not giving a second thought to pride where you are getting your knickers in a twist about it : ) If you do go by yourself, don't expect the world, just go and experience it, have confidence in yourself. Everyone goes though a period as a young person finding their feet.

Just an hint, if you do want to participate in pride and you are by yourself, forget the parade, just go to the pubs in the later part of the evening from 6pm onwards. By that stage all the political speeches will be over and it will be all one big booze up

JackTaylorFan

baby and crumble wrote: »

I would have had the same opinion as Jack Taylor Fan a few years ago- I had pretty much all straight friends and was like "well friends are friends" but then I started to socialise with more LGBTQ folks and realised how nice it was to have lesbian friends I could talk to about issues that my straight friends just didn't get. A lot of it was cultural stuff- like The L Word, Melissa Etheridge etc.

Now I'd actually love to have more butch female friends, as I grow into myself that way. Doesn't mean I don't love my straight friends but it's nice to have common ground with others.

Everyone is different though

The difference, perhaps between your mindset and mine then is, I don't want to be defined by my connection to LGB and especially "T". It's a small part of who I am, and I certainly would not go looking for circles that spend most their time obsessing over TV shows, books (or whatever it may be) that revolve around these issues that I already know more than enough about. I can take forums like this in small doses, but, a social group that spends a lot of time bonding over things like that? God no!

JackTaylorFan

AllForIt wrote: »

Sexuality can be the sole reason for loneliness.

Making friends, good friends, can be as a result of one not having sufficient outlets to make those friends, as for example in one were living in a city with only 3 or so gay bars, where if one frequents them for any length of time you see the same ppl there every weekend.

A heterosexual in a small town in Ireland will have a wealth of straight bars to frequent and pick one or two bars where they feel comfortable socializing with ppl they like or feel they fit in with. The clientele may not become one's best friend but at least it provides a place where for a few hours of so that can get some social interaction.

I don't think gay bars work like that. In gay bars especially Dublin gay bars, either one is in a clique of friends and if your not your stood there on your own the whole night.

I don't know what your point is really.


There are many types of loneliness - yes - but the OP wants friends not relationships. Again, what has one's sexuality got to do with making friends, if all else is compatible?

As for hanging out in a pub and making friends. What's stopping a gay man going to a straight pub and talking to a stranger, if a stranger is just a friend you haven't met before? The same thing probably stopping a straight person from talking to a complete stranger in any other bar, is the answer.

Truth is: people don't make friends in pubs: gay or straight. People have pre-existing friends they happen to go to bars with, not the other way 'round. I think you have a naive/romantic idea of how people interact in straight bars, to be honest. It's just as cliquey as the gay bars you mention. People keep to themselves and the people they came with.

AllForIt

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Truth is: people don't make friends in pubs: gay or straight. People have pre-existing friends they happen to go to bars with, not the other way 'round. I think you have a naive/romantic idea of how people interact in straight bars, to be honest. It's just as cliquey as the gay bars you mention. People keep to themselves and the people they came with.

True Story; the very first day I arrived in London on a Saturday I went into Soho and got talking to a British national of Chinese heritage in a Soho gay bar. We went bar hoping and he was happy to show me around the area. We became best friends from that day and later even rented a room of him for a few years. I would regard him as one my closest friends. I got to know some of his friends and became friends with one of them too.

That might be a somewhat rare event but the point is ppl do make friends in bars.

I agree that some ppl can be cliquey in straight bars as in gay bars. I'm chatty when I have a few on me and I don't get the point of just chatting with one's 'pre-exisiting' friends all night without mixing in a bar or a nightclub. The whole point of going out to a bar is to meet new ppl, otherwise one might just as well stay at home.