1st Grandchild

kizzykim1

OK here goes nothing, my grandchild was born 2 years ago this month, my son and his partner are addicts (heavily) well when she had the baby who i will name june here, june was born addicted to drugs, the hospital wouldn't allow either my son or his partner to leave the hospital with june (i applaud the hospital on this) june had to be fed through a tube for the first 1 and a half years of her life, the social workers had got involved and said they were going to put june into foster care. i never knew that she already had two children taken from her already due to being an addict, to say i was shocked is an understatement. well my son and his partner wanted me to take june but because i'm now gone back to college and also have a young daughter i told them no that i couldn't take her and to be honest i had to think about my own daughter's welfare, i couldn't take on june with all her hospital needs and have them knocking on my door 24-7 to see her... I get to see her twice a week and she has come on great since the foster careers took her on...now i'm wondering if i did the right thing ??

Teyla Emmagan

It sounds like you did the right thing. That child needs to be kept away from your son and his partner, they have done enough damage. If she was living with you I can't but imagine they would only be a negative influence. And it sounds like she needs a lot of very special help. Sometimes families take a child when they really shouldn't. It really sounds like you acted in her (and your own) best interests. Is there any hope she could be adopted?

neonsofa

You did what you felt best at the time and she has thrived as a result of that decision, so I think you should take peace from that. What ifs are pointless because there are too many ifs, you just don't know how it would have played out, all you can do is continue to play a positive role in her life going forward now. All the best x

kizzykim1

hi teyla
for some reason they both have it in their heads that they are getting her back even though the social worker has told them numerous times that they are not getting her back, they haven't even bothered to go and see her since november last year, and they are still injecting themselves or whatever it is that they addicted to...\i have spoken with the social worker and told her i would love to see june getting adopted by the family she is with as they have had her for a year as she was in hospital for the first year of her life..

kizzykim1

neonsofa wrote: »

You did what you felt best at the time and she has thrived as a result of that decision, so I think you should take peace from that. What ifs are pointless because there are too many ifs, you just don't know how it would have played out, all you can do is continue to play a positive role in her life going forward now. All the best x

thank you for that....i just wish i could have had her without allthe bull**** that comes with it

pc7

God what a sad time for you when it should have been so happy. The fact they are still on drugs and would have been calling and using emotional blackmail and all that addicts do for themselves to get what they need it sounds like you did the right thing at the time.
You needed to protect your daughter from all that too. Is June with the same foster family all this time? Could you maybe look to take her in the future if she's been moved around? It's great you have access and can have a relationship.

neonsofa

kizzykim1 wrote: »

thank you for that....i just wish i could have had her without allthe bull**** that comes with it

Aw of course you do. But they made that impossible for you. It wasn't your choice. Have you looked into talking with someone about this? It seems like it's still heavy on your heart.

kizzykim1

pc7 wrote: »

God what a sad time for you when it should have been so happy. The fact they are still on drugs and would have been calling and using emotional blackmail and all that addicts do for themselves to get what they need it sounds like you did the right thing at the time.
You needed to protect your daughter from all that too. Is June with the same foster family all this time? Could you maybe look to take her in the future if she's been moved around? It's great you have access and can have a relationship.

hi PC7 no she has been with the same family since she left the hospital, they are a lovely couple who unfortunately can't have any children of their own, i honestly don't know if i could have her here knowing what those two are like, they have my heart broken and all my jewleary sold so thats telling you something about what they are like ....

kizzykim1

neonsofa wrote: »

Aw of course you do. But they made that impossible for you. It wasn't your choice. Have you looked into talking with someone about this? It seems like it's still heavy on your heart.

neon i don't know who i could talk to as i'm under pressure with time and no money to pay for any sessions so my only option would be to post here if you get my drift...and yes it is still heavy on my heart as i love her so much and know that i can't take her with me

neonsofa

kizzykim1 wrote: »

neon i don't know who i could talk to as i'm under pressure with time and no money to pay for any sessions so my only option would be to post here if you get my drift...and yes it is still heavy on my heart as i love her so much and know that i can't take her with me

Do you have a medical card? Pop in to your gp and speak with them, they will point you in the right direction. The social worker should also be able to give you information on support services available. There are also support groups for the families of addicts, similar to Al anon. Are you still in college, there are counsellors there sometimes too.

You are keeping her away out of love though. Just remember that.

Rachiee

Im sure it's hard for you to be saying goodbye to her when you love her so much, it's great that you still see her so regularly so she still has a familial contact.
What you need to remember is she is in a safe secure stable and loving family environment. If she is two it is likely that a long term care order was granted so she will be in state care until at least 18. Neither the social workers nor the foster parents will have any interest in ending the placement so she will continue to grow in a stable secure and loving environment and in keeping contact with you she will have the best of both world's, and can be protected from the dysfunction of her parents.
It must be really hard on you emotionally but it sounds like things have worked out well for your grand daughter and that's what you need to remember continue to talk to the social workers about any concerns or questions you have.
I think you would benefit from counselling most services will go by donations of whatever can be afforded even just a fiver have a look for any services close to you and give them a ring.

kizzykim1

neonsofa wrote: »

Do you have a medical card? Pop in to your gp and speak with them, they will point you in the right direction. The social worker should also be able to give you information on support services available. There are also support groups for the families of addicts, similar to Al anon. Are you still in college, there are counsellors there sometimes too.

You are keeping her away out of love though. Just remember that.

No i'm not entitled to a medical card but i will ask the social worker about groups in my area if there is any...i haven't actually heard of any near me...yes i'm on my last year of college and in the middle of my thesis so my head is all over the place atm

kizzykim1

Rachiee wrote: »

Im sure it's hard for you to be saying goodbye to her when you love her so much, it's great that you still see her so regularly so she still has a familial contact.
What you need to remember is she is in a safe secure stable and loving family environment. If she is two it is likely that a long term care order was granted so she will be in state care until at least 18. Neither the social workers nor the foster parents will have any interest in ending the placement so she will continue to grow in a stable secure and loving environment and in keeping contact with you she will have the best of both world's, and can be protected from the dysfunction of her parents.
It must be really hard on you emotionally but it sounds like things have worked out well for your grand daughter and that's what you need to remember continue to talk to the social workers about any concerns or questions you have.
I think you would benefit from counselling most services will go by donations of whatever can be afforded even just a fiver have a look for any services close to you and give them a ring.

Thank you rachee i believe i hav3 done whats best for her and she has grown up to be a beautiful little girl ...i also know she would nit be that bright ray of sunshine if she had of lived with her parents...

neonsofa

kizzykim1 wrote: »

No i'm not entitled to a medical card but i will ask the social worker about groups in my area if there is any...i haven't actually heard of any near me...yes i'm on my last year of college and in the middle of my thesis so my head is all over the place atm

Check with student services if there is a counsellor or college doctor that you can visit. You poor thing, this is such a stressful time regardless of everything else going on.

kizzykim1

neonsofa wrote: »

Check with student services if there is a counsellor or college doctor that you can visit. You poor thing, this is such a stressful time regardless of everything else going on.

I'll do that first thing in the morning thank you

neonsofa

kizzykim1 wrote: »

I'll do that first thing in the morning thank you

Look after yourself. All the best with your thesis, fair play, it's tough going, you'll be delighted once it's done

pc7

That's great she's with a stable and loving family, hard on you but great for her. You still have access and a relationship. Don't let guilt eat you up

Wesser

You definitely did the right thing.
If you had taken her on there probably would have been rows+++ with the child's parents.
They're too close to you and may have become critical.of how you do this or that a d then there would have been a breakdown in relationships.
With the foster parents there is more distance.

kizzykim1

neonsofa wrote: »

Look after yourself. All the best with your thesis, fair play, it's tough going, you'll be delighted once it's done

Thank you neon that means a lot to me

kizzykim1

Wesser wrote: »

You definitely did the right thing.
If you had taken her on there probably would have been rows+++ with the child's parents.
They're too close to you and may have become critical.of how you do this or that a d then there would have been a breakdown in relationships.
With the foster parents there is more distance.

Thats very true wesser, they are both very argumentative when high on drugs...i'm now thinking that it was for the best for all involved

up for anything

Kizzykim, contact your nearest Family Support Group. They usually meet one evening a week and it's very private but such a relief to speak to others who know what you are going through because they have and are going through it themselves. I've found the meetings better than any counselling sessions.

Family Support Group

Wesser

You sound like an amazing lady.
That baby is lucky to have you as a granny!!!

mrsbeebee

I have no further advice for you other than what has been said but I want to say that you sound like an amazing person. Best of luck with your thesis.

retro:electro

I think you are doing a brilliant job. I can't imagine how tough a decision that was for you and I'm sure it's tormenting- but the most important thing is that the child is healthy and thriving. If she was staying with you, as much as you would be there for her, there are too many risks. Imagine if the two of them arrived in to you one night and decided they are going to take her? I've heard of this happening before. You would be leaving yourself and the baby open to too much risk it just wouldn't be right.

Right now you still have the benefit of being able to see her twice weekly but also do your own thing and focus on college. I commend you for your strength and focus, you sound like a lovely woman, the baby is very lucky to have you.

SimpleDimples

You did the right thing but some many people in this situation; your grandchild, your own daughter & whether they accept it or not by your son & his partner who aren't fit to parent at this time.

Just because it was the right decision doesn't mean it was easy for you. I can only imagine the number of children growing up in unstable homes who would have benefited from a grand parent with the sense of mind you had.

You sound like a great lady & there's so much evidence this was the right decision that there's no reason to doubt yourself. Most colleges have free counselling or even see if the social care team can offer you.

kizzykim1

Thank you all so much, i feel a lot better now knowing that i am not alone....

kizzykim

thanks again for all the advice, i have been to see the college Counseller and she agreed that what i did was for the best as my life would have been hell with those two at my door 24/7...their social worker is going to email me a few groups in my area, so again thank you for all the support...only two weeks left for my thesis to be handed in and i am a free woman to see my grand daughter for more than two days ...god i can't wait

pc7

Best of luck and well done on going to college, this sets a super example for your daughter

neonsofa

kizzykim wrote: »

thanks again for all the advice, i have been to see the college Counseller and she agreed that what i did was for the best as my life would have been hell with those two at my door 24/7...their social worker is going to email me a few groups in my area, so again thank you for all the support...only two weeks left for my thesis to be handed in and i am a free woman to see my grand daughter for more than two days ...god i can't wait

I really and truly wish you all the best xx