Wedding invite conundrum

SozBbz

Hi Boardsies,

I have a conundrum which I'd appreciate some advice with, so hopefully you can help.

I've been invited to a wedding (myself and my OH) of a girl we hardly know. Without saying anything too identifiable, I know this girl as a sister of a friend of a friend and have socialised with her in a group setting a few times over the past few years, but never just one on one of as two couples. Its purely that we know people in common. We'd be friends on facebook etc, but she wouldn't have my address or phone number, if that helps clarify the level of connection.

So to say I was surprised to get an invite to her wedding was an understatement. But not only that, I've since also been invited to her Hen!

Now, the real crux of the matter. I found out through someone who'd be closer to her that the venue she's booked has minimum numbers, so no matter how many people turn up on the day, they're on the hook for a set amount. Obviously I feel this explains why we were invited to the wedding but I don't get why I'm invited to the hen.

I don't want to go to either to be honest, and I'm starting to feel annoyed that I've been put in this position of having to decline. Am I right that this whole thing is just so cheeky or should I try to feel more charitable towards her?

Bottom line is I have no intention of going to either. weddings and Hens are expensive and time consuming and I've a good few others that I'll be going to this year. I don't see why I should have to spend my money/annual leave making up someone elses numbers. It would be one thing if it was local, but its 4hours away, so we'd have to factor in 2 nights accommodation and honestly I think I'd just rather not.

How do I go about handling this without creating drama. I have zero intention of going but I don't want to antagonise the people we know in common. I probably will continue to see this girl and her OH in future and I don't want awkwardness ideally, even though I feel like shes actually created this situation through her own greed.

Thoughts?

Lady is a tramp

"Sorry, I can't make it, have a good one!"

What's wrong with that? People overthink things a lot!

stargazer 68

As above. Simply rsvp can't make it and the same with the hens. She isn't going to know any different

freshpopcorn

Sorry, I am unable to attend the wedding.
Some might give a gift other mightn't. If she gets the hump then that's her baby!

SozBbz

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

"Sorry, I can't make it, have a good one!"

What's wrong with that? People overthink things a lot!

Fine, if I'd only been invited to the wedding, but I need to effectively decline two events (the Hen also).

As I said, I want to handle this diplomatically as possible. Whilst I don't see much of this girl, I do see some of the people we have in common and I don't want things to be awkward. If I say I/we can't go, I will be asked why by the sister of this girl.

stargazer 68

[quote="SozBbz;103784730"

As I said, I want to handle this diplomatically as possible. Whilst I don't see much of this girl, I do see some of the people we have in common and I don't want things to be awkward.[/quote]

Op you aren't going to be the only decline she gets. People can't make every event. Can't see how not going to this would make it awkward.

Lady is a tramp

SozBbz wrote: »

Fine, if I'd only been invited to the wedding, but I need to effectively decline two events (the Hen also).

As I said, I want to handle this diplomatically as possible. Whilst I don't see much of this girl, I do see some of the people we have in common and I don't want things to be awkward. If I say I/we can't go, I will be asked why by the sister of this girl.

And if you are, say "I can't afford it" or "I had other plans made in advance" and leave it at that, don't make it complicated!

GingerLily

I've invited a few people who I am not very close to only because they would be the only person left out of that particular group I don't want to isolate them. If they decline politely that'll be fine and at least then I know I've not excluded anyone.

Don't go if you don't want to, the last thing and couple want is guests who resent them!

freshpopcorn

I'd just say you've other things all ready organised for those dates or you haven't the money and your sorry you can't go. Give a gift and she'd probably be happy with it. If people get the hump their not worth it to be honest.

GingerLily

Please do actually decline though, it'll make it a lot less awkward then her contacting you asking why you haven't RSVPd!
Couples getting married really appreciate RSVPs

SozBbz

Yes I will officially decline - I only just got the save the date but I will when the time comes.

It's not really the official cancellation that's the issue, I just know the girls sister will ask me why.

Oh and I know she's not asking us so that we're not left out or whatever. The making up the numbers thing is the only thing that makes any sense.

Lady is a tramp

You're making it out like it's some massive insulting inconvenience to have been invited.

It was a nice gesture. You're not interested, so decline politely. But take it as a pleasant compliment to have been invited to both events.

_Brian

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

"Sorry, I can't make it, have a good one!"

What's wrong with that? People overthink things a lot!

This X 1000

Be an adult and don't go if you don't want to. Life's too short to worry about the small stuff !

GingerLily

SozBbz wrote: »

It's not really the official cancellation that's the issue, I just know the girls sister will ask me why.

"we couldn't make it - too long a trek for us with the 8 hour round trip, really hope they have a lovely day though, can't wait to see all the photo's"

JennyZ

The invitation is between you and the bride...the sister has nothing to do with it. You're obviously not close enough so decline politely.

SozBbz

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

You're making it out like it's some massive insulting inconvenience to have been invited.

It was a nice gesture. You're not interested, so decline politely. But take it as a pleasant compliment to have been invited to both events.

Well I don't think it can be interpreted as anything other than her needing to invite X amount of people to make the venue work, when in reality they should have just chosen somewhere that was a better fit for their numbers - I don't believe there's any altruism here. I've literally met her about 5 times in my life, the thought that I'd want to go to her wedding just doesn't add up. I think I'm fairly entitled to think the whole thing is a bit cheeky.
I normally love weddings but this is the first time I've felt like this upon receiving an invitation.
I'm just going to decline, say as little as possible and buy them a token gift.

SozBbz

JennyZ wrote: »

The invitation is between you and the bride...the sister has nothing to do with it. You're obviously not close enough so decline politely.

Well the sister has already been on to me chasing me about the hen. I said that I'd likely be traveling for work around that time (which is somewhat true) and if they needed an absolute answer, best to count me out but thanks for the invite.

GingerLily

SozBbz wrote: »

Well the sister has already been on to me chasing me about the hen. I said that I'd likely be traveling for work around that time (which is somewhat true) and if they needed an absolute answer, best to count me out but thanks for the invite.

If you'd initially refused the invitation the sister wouldn't have had to chase you, a lot of people don't respond to wedding and hen invites, it's not a pleasant job to chase people for responses.

No one thinks you should go, but it's also a waste of energy to be insulted by an invitation

crustybla

It's ok to say no sometimes. You don't have to always go out of your way for people. It's probably a much bigger deal for you than it is for them anyway and if anyone doesn't like it, tough. As someone already said, life is too short to going too much out of your way for people. It's different if it's close family or friends. Nip it in the bud, rsvp and politely decline both, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone else.

Teyla Emmagan

SozBbz wrote:

Well the sister has already been on to me chasing me about the hen. I said that I'd likely be traveling for work around that time (which is somewhat true) and if they needed an absolute answer, best to count me out but thanks for the invite.

Say no clearly or all they will hear is that you're waiting to be talked into it.

Hannibal_Smith

SozBbz wrote: »

Yes I will officially decline - I only just got the save the date but I will when the time comes.

It's not really the official cancellation that's the issue, I just know the girls sister will ask me why.

Oh and I know she's not asking us so that we're not left out or whatever. The making up the numbers thing is the only thing that makes any sense.

Why are you over thinking this? Why does it matter why you got the invitation? Decline and forget about it. It's of no relevance to you. Maybe she only asked you so that there wouldn't be any awkwardness pointed at her when you cross paths again and so her work is done. Maybe she won't be that put out if you don't go?

dubrov

You are way overthinkng this.

Most places have minimum numbers to cover themselves. You probably just got an invite as you are part of a group that is going

Just decline politely.
She probably won't give a toss either way

AvonEnniskerry

You're definitely making a mountain out of a mole hill. So what if they've got minimum numbers... If they don't meet them they just pay the same cost. Honestly at my own wedding there were people invited that meant little to me but a lot to someone close to me.
It's an invite. It's nice to have been thought of. If you don't want to go politely decline the two events. Stop getting offended about the fact that someone thought of you enough to try and share their day with you. It's a bizarre post.

Toots

SozBbz wrote: »

Yes I will officially decline - I only just got the save the date but I will when the time comes.

It's not really the official cancellation that's the issue, I just know the girls sister will ask me why.

Oh and I know she's not asking us so that we're not left out or whatever. The making up the numbers thing is the only thing that makes any sense.

You've only just got a save the date, so you don't need to do anything yet. I know a couple of people who got save the dates and assumed they were getting an invite, and ended up just getting invited to the afters (one girl didn't end up getting any sort of invite which was a bit crappy after getting a save the date)

It could be a case that she knows she has to have a minimum number in the venue, so she's sent save-the-dates to all and sundry so she has enough people for a second/third round of full day invitations if she gets a lot of declines from the first round. Or she could be sending save the dates to everyone, even people who might only be getting an afters invite.

You've already declined the hen, so that's half the battle. I don't think you declining the wedding (if you get invited to the full day) will cause drama - loads of people decline for various different reasons - just RSVP in a timely manner, say you're sorry you can't go, but you hope she has an amazing day and you can't wait to see some pics when ye next meet. Send her a card if you want.

Reati

It's really not a big deal for the couple either. It's no like the rest of their lives will be ruined.

I for the life of me can't remember who declined the invites to my wedding and it was only a few years ago.

Ghekko

If the girls sister asks you why you're not going you simply say it doesn't suit you - no further explanation needed. When the official wedding invite arrives I'm sure they will enclose a RSVP card. Again, simply tick the 'cannot attend' and post it back. Don't bother with text or email reply. If there isn't a reply card with invite you can buy one. That way you don't have to give an explanation or engage further with them.

Just to add, if you don't attend a wedding there is no obligation to buy a gift - you didn't ask to be invited! It would be different if it was a close friend who you would see regularly but in your case it's unlikely you'll see them soon.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

SozBbz wrote: »

I'm starting to feel annoyed that I've been put in this position of having to decline.

Seriously???

EndaHonesty

I miss the days when being invited to someone's wedding was a privilege...

SozBbz

Well look aren't you all perfect people, it must be great to be impervious to awkwardness. Despite what I thought was a quite clear explanation, I don't think there a lot of understanding how little I know these people, and to me it feels weird to be invited and yes, suspiciously I think we're invited as it suits their purposes for reasons that aren't entirely altruistic, basically rent a crowd.

Of course I'm normally quite delighted when I get an invite because they're usually from people I know and actually have a relationship with. I would describe this girl as someone I know to say hi to at best. Its 4 degrees of separation and we've met only a handful of times. We've never had a conversation of any depth and have only ever interacted as part of a much larger group. Honestly if the rest of you go around being privileged at receiving invites from basically everyone you've ever met, you must be at weddings every weekend.

If it was local and/or maybe an afters invite then yeah, you might just say its a nice gesture but thats not the case here. And if it turns out to be just an afters invite (I'd be very surprised for the reasons already stated) but great, that makes declining even easier, because who in their right mind would travel the length of the country for just an afters. I'm just going to decline and say as little as possible, and send a gift just as its the decent thing to do.

GingerLily

You were given advice that posters thought would be useful to you, moaning about a couple we don't know isn't going to help your situation. If you want a b*tch and a moan about wedding invites I'd recommend after hours!!

jlm29

I don't think anyone here thinks they're perfect. You came on here and asked for opinions, and now you're getting ratty because you got some you didn't like.
You asked in your op if you were right to be annoyed, and many people have said no. You asked in your op how to handle the situation without creating drama, and you've been told, multiple times: there's no drama, there's not even any potential for drama. You've mentioned several times that the brides sister will ask why you're not going- but you're not even friendly with that girl either, so it hardly matters if you don't go into detail for her.

i don't particularly like getting wedding invitations in many situations, and I hate hate hate hen parties. If it's the wedding of a close friend or family member, I'm often happy with going for the day out, But sometimes I'd rather not. if the person getting married is a less than close friend, a work colleague, etc, I don't make any issues, I just send an appropriate rsvp declining the invite. If anyone were to ask, a simple "I can't make it that day" has never been insufficient. Same goes for a hen.

SozBbz

GingerLily wrote: »

If you'd initially refused the invitation the sister wouldn't have had to chase you, a lot of people don't respond to wedding and hen invites, it's not a pleasant job to chase people for responses.

No one thinks you should go, but it's also a waste of energy to be insulted by an invitation

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Say no clearly or all they will hear is that you're waiting to be talked into it.

To clarify, the hen invite was just an email blast saying what was planned and when. They didnt ask people to indicate if they could go or for a deposit, just that more info would follow shortly. Of course I will decline as soon as any actual request comes through. I felt a bit put on the spot by the sister so thats why I fudged it somewhat. I've not just been radio silent and making people chase me.

GingerLily

SozBbz wrote: »

To clarify, the hen invite was just an email blast saying what was planned and when. They didnt ask people to indicate if they could go or for a deposit, just that more info would follow shortly. Of course I will decline as soon as any actual request comes through. I felt a bit put on the spot by the sister so thats why I fudged it somewhat. I've not just been radio silent and making people chase me.

Your making such a drama over this, all you have to do is decline, why is that so hard?

SozBbz

GingerLily wrote: »

Your making such a drama over this, all you have to do is decline, why is that so hard?

I'm sorry that answering your point is so dramatic for you. For the (at least) 4th time, I will be declining.

CeilingFly

EndaHonesty wrote: »

I miss the days when being invited to someone's wedding was a privilege...

But that was when a nice toaster or kettle was considered a gift and you didn't need to dress as if you are meeting the Queen.

Now you almost need to give €200 + spend another €300-€500 on the day itself unless its a taxi ride away from your home.


Add another whack for hen / stag and you're well overa grand for one boring day of mediocre food, people getting too drunk and second rate music.


Compare that to 2 tickets to Depeche Mode, overnight in Gibson hotel + dinner in nce restaurant costing less than €500 for myself and herself. - Guess where most invites go where we don't know the bride/groom well? BIN

XsApollo

I wouldn't go to the wedding myself I would just decline on the rsvp.

For the hen if you have close friends going but you don't really know the Hen you could still go,
Been on a stag or 2 myself where m8s were going but I didn't really know the stag, you might end up knowing her better after the hen.
At the end of the day a hen or stag is just a night out and a piss up.

SozBbz

XsApollo wrote: »

I wouldn't go to the wedding myself I would just decline on the rsvp.

For the hen if you have close friends going but you don't really know the Hen you could still go,
Been on a stag or 2 myself where m8s were going but I didn't really know the stag, you might end up knowing her better after the hen.
At the end of the day a hen or stag is just a night out and a piss up.

Yeah I see what you're saying but this is actually a weekend away and since I've don't want to go to the wedding, I think it might be pointless to go to the hen. I would maybe know any of the other girls that well, just the sister a bit, but none of the others.

SozBbz

CeilingFly wrote: »

But that was when a nice toaster or kettle was considered a gift and you didn't need to dress as if you are meeting the Queen.

Now you almost need to give €200 + spend another €300-€500 on the day itself unless its a taxi ride away from your home.


Add another whack for hen / stag and you're well overa grand for one boring day of mediocre food, people getting too drunk and second rate music.


Compare that to 2 tickets to Depeche Mode, overnight in Gibson hotel + dinner in nce restaurant costing less than €500 for myself and herself. - Guess where most invites go where we don't know the bride/groom well? BIN

Yep, I could easily see this costing that amount, as I mentioned previously its not exactly local. Thats why I find it hard to understand why you'd invite people who you're not close to, its a lot to expect. I've never been in this position before, I wasnt aware that it was apparently not abnormal for people to cast the invite net so widely so to speak. I've maybe heard of it for country weddings where you have to invite the neighbours or where the parents invite people, but thats not the case here.

Finding out about the minimum numbers (and its a big minimum) has made me suspicious of the motives. As the poster above says, most people give €200 per couple, so every acquaintance they can get to go offsets that big minimum somewhat.

My OH had the exact same reaction when I showed him the save the date - at first confusion and then cynicism. I just feel like people make this decision to have a big party and then in this case are working backwards to make everything fit, including the guest-list.

XsApollo

You right in being cynical.
Why would you invite someone you don't know to your wedding.
The hen if you had friends going I could see why, even then there is nobody going to that either.

Just decline, if the sister asks just say you don't know them or anybody going so it would be awkward.

lazygal

RSVP in a timely manner and go on your way. Same with the hen party. I dislike them so much I didn't have one myself when I was getting married.

You never see her, so it can't be awkward.

SozBbz

lazygal wrote: »

RSVP in a timely manner and go on your way. Same with the hen party. I dislike them so much I didn't have one myself when I was getting married.

You never see her, so it can't be awkward.

I thought I was the only one who didnt like hen parties - I think that might be feeding into how irked I was feeling about this.

rainbowtrout

Ya it probably is a profit making exercise. A neighbour of mine had 500 to their wedding 6 or 7 years back, yet there was only 3 guys and the groom on the stag party which was more reflective of how many close friends he had - nothing wrong with that of course. But pretty much everyone they had ever spoken to had been invited, I'm sure in the Eddie Hobbs guide to wedding planning there is a cut off point where the wedding 'breaks even' and then each extra guest is 'profit':mad: Decline straight away when you get the hen/wedding invites with a simple, sorry I can't make it, enjoy your day.

Hannibal_Smith

In other words, be careful when preparing your guest list as sending invites may cause offense :pac:

GingerLily

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

In other words, be careful when preparing your guest list as sending invites may cause offense :pac:

I've just sent mine out and I'm wondering if I should follow up with an apology letter, lol

pilly

Toots wrote:

It could be a case that she knows she has to have a minimum number in the venue, so she's sent save-the-dates to all and sundry so she has enough people for a second/third round of full day invitations if she gets a lot of declines from the first round. Or she could be sending save the dates to everyone, even people who might only be getting an afters invite.

A second/third round of invites? Seriously?

This is why people get pissed off at invites.

That's like having a reserves bench.

bmwguy

Weddings are a pain in the hole. I posted about a week ago about friends of friends, neighbour's, cousins I never talk to inviting me. Sick of weddings at this stage.

Every wedding.
Exactly.
The.
Same.

GingerLily

bmwguy wrote: »

Weddings are a pain in the hole. I posted about a week ago about friends of friends, neighbour's, cousins I never talk to inviting me. Sick of weddings at this stage.

Every wedding.
Exactly.
The.
Same.

Why do people who hate weddings post in the wedding forum? I don't like cars but I don't bother to moan on the motor forum about it - I just find it so odd

Toots

GingerLily wrote: »

Why do people who hate weddings post in the wedding forum? I don't like cars but I don't bother to moan on the motor forum about it - I just find it so odd

No idea, some people just seem to be drawn to it.

Anyhoo, I think this thread has run its course at this stage, so I'm locking it.